The Best 52 Assassination Jokes

Following is our collection of Assassination jokes which are very funny. There are some assassination president jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assassination elect puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says, "I'll have some H20."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of water, too, Wh.. why did you say H20? Like, I know it's the chemical formula for water and all. but it's the end of the day and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of work."

The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

Two Chemists Walk In A Bar...

One chemist says to the bartender, "I would like some h2o please." The other chemist says, " I would also like some water, too. " The first chemist excuses himself to the bathroom and hangs his head in shame. His assassination plot had failed.


How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?

(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

Why was the President broke after the assassination attempt?

Secret service charges.

A classic

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? It's the end of the day and there's no need to talk about work."

The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

80s rock fan and popular assassination target Kim Jong Un recently stipulated the soundtrack for his funeral...

... Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.

Helen Keller Assassination Joke

If Helen Keller was assassinated, she wouldn't have seen it coming... in fact she wouldn't have even sensed it

Last night was like the Kennedy assassination...

...nobody is sure how many shots there were

Top Assassination Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore assassination kill reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assassination downfall dad jokes. There are also assassination puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Two scientists walk into a bar...

...The first one says:

"I'll have some H2O"

The second one says:

"I'll have some water too"

The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed.

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...

the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...

the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

George Lopez Trump joke.

Iran had an $80 million bounty on Mr. Trump.
"We'll do it for half." said Lopez on Instagram.

On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

I guess one possible bright side of trump getting elected would be...

Maybe I might live in an age where an assassination happens.

There was just an assassination attempt against Donald Trump...

the terrorists found out that he was going to be appearing with Chris Christy and they replaced his bronzer with BBQ sauce.

Fidel Castro survived assassination attempts, coups, plagues....

....but was like, "Nah, I can't do a Trump world. Good luck y'all, I'm out."

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016


Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."

The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.

Two chemists walk into a bar

The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"

The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"

The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"

The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassination attempt

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:

"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The other then says to his companion:

"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"

The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

The bodyguards of the POTUS used to shout "Get down, Mr. president!" during assassination attempts

Now they just say "Donald, duck"

What do you call a failed vampire assassination?

A missed stake

Two scientists walk into a pub

Two scientists walk into their local pub.

"I'll have H2O" says the first.

"I'll have water too," says the second, "but why are you saying it like that? We're not a work anymore man."

The first scientist excuses himself and goes to the bathroom to inform the motherland his assassination attempt had failed.

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,

"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."

"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"

The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

JFK Assassination Document Release

From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

Did you hear about the Al Gore documentary on the Abraham Lincoln assassination?

"An Inconvenient Booth"

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"

The other says "I'll have some water too please"

He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.

Two chemists walk into a bar..

The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

How do you mess up an assassination and sushi at the same time?

You forget to put the ricin

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work, they sit down at there table and order drinks. The first chemist says, "I will have some H20", the second chemist says, "I will have a glass of water, and dude why are you referring to it so strangely, we aren't at work anymore."

The first chemist then goes into the bathroom and cries as his assassination plot has failed.

How do we know the CIA wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?

TIL John F. Kennedy used to be called John Kennedy until he died.

The F was added after his assassination to pay respects.

I went to the JFK memorial museum and got to simulate his assassination in VR

It was mind blowing

Which nation does US presidents fear the most?

Assassination

What do you call it when two donkeys take down the president and become the new ruler of a country?

Assassination

How do you avoid a Presidential assassination?

Stand in the rain, he won't come after you if it's wet outside.

Did you guys know it has already been 55 years since JFK's assassination?

Blew my friggin mind!

I was asked earlier how i felt about the assassination of east sides most notorious rapper

I responded ehh no biggie

An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.

It was an assassination attempt.

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

I was watching a miniseries about the Kennedy assassination on Netflix...

I had to use the bathroom and realized I just missed the end of the last episode. I really wanted to see it and wondered how to do this.

Then it struck me, I just needed to go back and to left.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Just a thought. How important/famous do you have to be

For your death to be considered an assassination instead of a murder?

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assassination murder jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assassination impeach piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes