Assassination Jokes

67 assassination jokes and hilarious assassination puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assassination that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the dark humor of assassination jokes. From the assassination of JFK to the popular anime series 'Assassination Classroom', explore how people joke about murder and death. Discover why this humor exists and how it can have a surprisingly positive effect.

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Funniest Assassination Short Jokes

Short assassination jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assassination humour may include short manslaughter jokes also.

  1. Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
    Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
    Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed
  2. JFK Assassination Document Release From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information
  3. [WP] You are an assassin in wwii trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
  4. John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon... History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
  5. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
    The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
    The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan.
  6. I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend, ...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.
  7. What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
  8. Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
  9. Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing... It was also mind blowing.
  10. Whats the worst thing about the new Assassin's Creed movie? You have to sign in to U-play to watch it.

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Assassination One Liners

Which assassination one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assassination? I can suggest the ones about massacre and assassinate president.

  1. The opposite of an assassin is a dickdickout
  2. What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing? Halving the time of your life.
  3. What has two butts and kills people ? An assassin
  4. Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
  5. What kind of contract killer has two butts? An assassin
  6. What has two butts and kills in the dark? Assassin
  7. What has 2 butts and kill people? An assassin
  8. My friend got killed by a donkey Some say he was assassinated
  9. What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin? Killed most likely.
  10. What has two bottoms and kills people? An assassin
  11. "Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought" said the assassin
  12. Being an assassin would be so cool People would kill to have that job
  13. What do you call a lizard that's an assassin? A cold-blooded killer
  14. What music do assassins listen to? Hits.
  15. I knew my life was over when the fourth assassin shot me… It was a four gun conclusion.

Assassination joke, I knew my life was over when the fourth assassin shot me…

Silly & Ridiculous Assassination Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about assassination you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean genocide jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assassination pranks.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe

How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?
(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

A classic

Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have a glass of water too. Why did you say H2O? It's the end of the day and there's no need to talk about work."
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

Why can't you have s**... after playing Assassin's Creed?

Because Ubisoft

2 scientists walk into a bar

the first one says: I´ll have a glass of H2O...
the second one says: i´ll have a glass of water too.... Wh... why did you say H2O ? Is there any reason to use the chemical formular outside the lab ?Doesn`t this just over-complicate things for no reason ? I really don´t think that was very smart...
the first scientists stares at his drink, angry, that his assassination plan has failed...

On the bright side of the election

There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."
The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.

Two chemists walk into a bar

The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"
The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"
The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"
The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassination attempt

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

Why did the Church of Scientology try to assassinate the non-binary feminist?

Xenu too much.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"
The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."
The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack p**... whack, give a dog a bone.

Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"

The other says "I'll have some water too please"
He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An a**...-a**...-in
Laugh, d**... it

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."

Two chemists walk into a bar

Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I'll have some water also.
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.

What do you call a boring assassin?

A Drycleaner

What do you call a death by someone k**... your b**...?


Assassination joke, What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

jokes about assassination