Assassinated Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?

One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.

Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.

And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."

And you leave it there.

And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.

And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"

To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."


A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.

God - With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.

Conspiracy Theorist - God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?

God - well, that was Lee Harvey Oswald, he worked alone and assassinated JFK

The conspiracy theorist, with a look of shock on his face responds - Oh wow, this goes even higher up than I thought

My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess

So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.

What did the gamer say when he assassinated the Pope?

360 NO POPE!!!!

Kennedy, Lennon, Gandhi

If you don't want you kids assassinated, don't name them after an airport.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

What happened when Franz Ferdinand was assassinated by a Serbian Terrorist?

Their countries had to Duke it out.

Why did the smoothie get assassinated?

He got mixed up with a few bad apples.

Everyone knows JFK was assassinated

That's a no brainer

Long Range Sniper Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.

Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.

Did You hear about the Italian mob boss who had a famous Broadway star assassinated in an explosion?

He told his hit man to rigatoni.

Did you hear about the blind man that got assassinated?

He never saw it coming

What did the Call of Duty player say when he assassinated the pope?


Helen Keller Assassination Joke

If Helen Keller was assassinated, she wouldn't have seen it coming... in fact she wouldn't have even sensed it

What are the funniest assassinated jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Assassinated? Well, here are the best Assassinated puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Assassinated pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes