Assassin Jokes
69 assassin jokes and hilarious assassin puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assassin that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Assassin Short Jokes
Short assassin jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assassin humour may include short traitor jokes also.
- JFK Assassination Document Release From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information
- [WP] You are an assassin in wwii trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
- John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon... History shows if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
- Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have h2o"
The second scientist says "I'll have a water"
The first scientist goes back home and rethinks his assassination plan. - What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
- Why are hipsters such great assassins? Because they hide the bodies in places no one has ever heard of.
- Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing... It was also mind blowing.
- Whats the worst thing about the new Assassin's Creed movie? You have to sign in to U-play to watch it.
- On the bright side of the election There hasn't been a presidential assassination in a while.
- Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months. Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.
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Assassin One Liners
Which assassin one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assassin? I can suggest the ones about bandit and gangster.
- What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing? Halving the time of your life.
- Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
- What kind of contract killer has two butts? An assassin
- My friend got killed by a donkey Some say he was assassinated
- What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin? Killed most likely.
- "Killing them with kindness is a lot harder than I thought" said the assassin
- What do you call a lizard that's an assassin? A cold-blooded killer
- What music do assassins listen to? Hits.
- I knew my life was over when the fourth assassin shot me… It was a four gun conclusion.
- What's an assassin's favourite type of restaurant? A take-out restaurant
- What do you call a Swedish assassin? Jason Bjorn
- What did the gamer say when he assassinated the Pope? 360 NO POPE!!!!
- I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer... I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.
- My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars." He was an assassin.
- What do you call a boring assassin? A Drycleaner
Comedy Assassin Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about assassin you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ninja jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assassin pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.
"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."
Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.
Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" and some people say, "oh my god, he *did?*" People always say something.
And then *you* say, "he did, he was assassinated. Someone from a drug cartel shot him with a golf gun. Bizarre story."
And you leave it there.
And if someone presses further, perhaps mention how terrible it must be to get shot by a golf gun.
And you'll eventually be asked, "what's a golf gun?"
To which you say, "don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"
There was one similarity between Lincoln and Kennedy's assassination that everyone overlooked...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe
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What happened when Franz Ferdinand was assassinated by a serbian t**...?
Their countries had to Duke it out.
How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?
Well he's dead, isn't he?
(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...
Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
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Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Being an assassin would be so cool
People would kill to have that job
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Why can't you have s**... after playing Assassin's Creed?
Because Ubisoft
Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?
He had some time to kill.
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My girlfriend told me that on valentines day she wants to get treated like a princess
So I got her assassinated in a French underpass.
Two chemists walk into a bar
They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:
"I'll have a glass of H2O."
The other then says to his companion:
"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"
The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Church of Scientology try to assassinate the non-binary feminist?
Xenu too much.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,
...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.
After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,
"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was killed by an assassin
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack p**... whack, give a dog a bone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line for bread...
After waiting for an hour, we shouts, "I've had enough of this! I'm going to assassinate Gorbachev!" He walks off to the Kremlin.
Twenty minutes later, he comes back and the crowd asks if he succeeded. "No," he says, "the line to assassinate him was even longer."
I went to the JFK memorial museum and got to simulate his assassination in VR
It was mind blowing
A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...
A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin's Creed III...
I told him that it's a pretty revolutionary game.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:
A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for v**..., decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for v**....
My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.
Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.
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What has 2 butts and kill people?
An a**...-a**...-in
Laugh, d**... it
Why do assassins and thieves always wear leather armour in videogames?
Because it's made from hide!
An assassin is running towards Trump
His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a government official assassinates a citizen?
A Car c**...
Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...
Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.
She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People dancing. They are wearing historic Ukrainian peasant outfits. There are floats and bands. You die on a Ukrainian holiday.
"Yes, but when" Putin says. "Which holiday?"
She says (of course) "Any day you die will be a Ukrainian national holiday."
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What has two bottoms and kills people?
An assassin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call a death by someone k**... your b**...?
*Assass*ination
