The Best 54 Assassin Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Assassin jokes. There are some assassin hitmen jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assassin hired puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Assassin Jokes and Puns

What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job

Assassin joke, Being an assassin would be so cool

How do assassins pay for stuff on the internet?


What do you call a metrically inclined elderly assassin?

A Killograndma.

What do people say when they hear about the assassin from Wales?


Have you heard about the homeless assassin?

Well... I don't know anything for sure. But I heard he's a roofless killer!

Assassin joke, Have you heard about the homeless assassin?

I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer...

I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

I hired a frisbee assassin last week, but he hasn't made a single kill.

He keeps getting stuck on the roof.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

You can explore assassin landscape reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assassin kill dad jokes. There are also assassin puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin.

It eats shoots and leaves.

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

There was just an assassination attempt against Donald Trump...

the terrorists found out that he was going to be appearing with Chris Christy and they replaced his bronzer with BBQ sauce.

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.

I guess he had tequila.

Assassin joke, A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat.

Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president?


What do you call a bacterial assassin?


I don't think I'm going to be much hood at my new job as an assassin

But I'll give it a shot

Have you heard about the storytelling assassin?

He specializes in surprise endings

Did you hear about the assassin who killed his girlfriend?

He took her out on a date!

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.

Long Range Sniper Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.

Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.

After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,

"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."

"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

Skyrim joke

What did the Dark Brotherhood assassin say after him Mom tucked him in?

Night, mother.

Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

A man went to an assassin because his wife was cheating

Why are assassinators evil?

The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

Did you hear the one about the assassin that Trump sent?

He was tasked with blowing up a car, and he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

It was really difficult to come to terms with the death of my ex.

But eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

State troopers arrested an alleged assassin accused of bludgeoning a man to death with two small porcelain figurine in a rice fieldβ€”

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

An assassin was apprehended for murdering a farmer's cow with the trinkets he had stolen from the farmer's wife's china cabinet.

It was the first recorded case of a knick knack paddy whack.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

What's the opposite of an assassin?

A dickdickout.

How do male homosexuals play duck duck goose?

They play assassin.

What do you call an assassin that attacks from above?


The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

What do you call an italian assassin?

A provo-lone gunman

What kills people with an attitude?

An assassin

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?

Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?


I'm still working on this one

What do you get when cross a mobster with an assassin?

Killed most likely.

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo

When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the hell made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An assassin

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assassin gun jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assassin murderous piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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