Assassin Jokes

Following is our collection of landscape humor and hitmen one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Assassin puns for adults, dirty kill jokes or clean hired gags for kids.

There is an abundance of gun jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on assassin. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any murderous witze you can hear about assassin.

The Best jokes about Assassin

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts Mickey Mouse! This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor asks him, Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?

Blushing, the agent replies, I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!

The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

I was a little anxious when I hired an assassin to kill my best friend,

...but the veterinarian said they do this all the time.


What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists โ€” two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

CIA final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."

Headline

A man wanted to kill his wife, so he got a hold of a notorious assassin named Arty. The man tells the assassin that his brunette wife shops at the market every Thursday afternoon wearing the same leopard print coat. Since Arty really just enjoyed assassinated people for the fun of it, he only charged the man what he could afford, five dollars.

The next Thursday, Arty stakes out the small market until he spots a brunette woman walk in wearing a leopard coat. He sneaks up behind her while she is in the back corner of the market, and wraps his hands around her neck until she is dead.

Nobody sees him, and he is about to walk out, when another brunette woman walks in wearing a similar leopard print top. To be safe, he walks up to her and strangles her as well. A stock boy see this and alerts the police, who apprehend Arty. He confesses the entire plan, the husband is arrested, and the next day the newspaper reads:

"Arty Chokes at the Market, 2 for $5"

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

Being an assassin would be so cool

People would kill to have that job


After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi,

"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."

"Ach," the rabbi replied, "I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the chimneysweeps."
"Why the chimneysweeps?" asked the befuddled official.
"Why the Jews?" responded the rabbi.

Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

What do you call a Swedish assassin?

Jason Bjorn

It was really difficult to come to terms with the death of my ex.

But eventually the assassin and I agreed on a fee.

I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer...

I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

FBI Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from
her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him
to death with the chair.'

A Mexican was having a drink in his living room before a lady assassin walked into the room.

He reacted by immediately grabbing a knife next to him and throwing it into her chest.

I guess he had tequila.


The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president's body guard shouts Mickey Mouse at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if Mickey Mouse is a secret service code word or something..
 

The body guard says * I'm sorry sir I must admit that in the heat of the moment I got confused, I meant to shout Donald Duck!! *

My friend from Hollywood always told me, "Shoot for the stars."

He was an assassin.

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

Why are assassins so good at dates?

Because they know how to take someone out.

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

I want to be an assassin someday

They make a killing.

I assassinated my friend...

I gave Miguel a cigar and lit the end. When it began to fizzle, he looked at me, puzzled.

"What brand of cigar does this?" he asked.

I answered, "Red Herring, of course."

And his chair exploded.

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

What do you call an italian assassin?

A provo-lone gunman

State troopers arrested an alleged assassin accused of bludgeoning a man to death with two small porcelain figurine in a rice fieldโ€”

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin.

It eats shoots and leaves.

the job description of a fart who is also an assassin?

Silent but deadly

Did you hear about the assassin with no nose?

He retired. Couldn't handle the scentless violence.

Did you hear the one about the assassin that Trump sent?

He was tasked with blowing up a car, and he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

Have you heard about the storytelling assassin?

He specializes in surprise endings

What can you say when you are about to assassinate someone but are very busy?

Ambushed.

I'm still working on this one

How do assassins pay for stuff on the internet?

hitcoin

There was just an assassination attempt against Donald Trump...

the terrorists found out that he was going to be appearing with Chris Christy and they replaced his bronzer with BBQ sauce.

What do you call a metrically inclined elderly assassin?

A Killograndma.

Long Range Sniper Rifle: $5,000. Hiring an assassin: $10,000.

Having Mike Pence assassinated? Viceless.

So an assassin named Arty went his high school reunion

... He saw his bet friend who he hasn't to talk to in years, and asks "I'm having trouble with my wife, do you think you can do the job for me, I'll pay you," Arty says, "I'll do it for free because you're my best friend," and the friend says, "I have to pay you, it wouldn't be right if I didn't." So Arty charges his friend $1 per person killed and goes to kill his friends wife. Arty saw her at the grocery store parking lot and he chokes her to death, there was a witness so he choked the witness and saw his name on the local newspaper: Arty Chokes 2 for $1.

An assassin was apprehended for murdering a farmer's cow with the trinkets he had stolen from the farmer's wife's china cabinet.

It was the first recorded case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Skyrim joke

What did the Dark Brotherhood assassin say after him Mom tucked him in?

Night, mother.

Why are assassinators evil?

Did you hear about the assassin who killed his girlfriend?

He took her out on a date!

A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat.

Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president?

Cr

Have you heard about the homeless assassin?

Well... I don't know anything for sure. But I heard he's a roofless killer!

What kills people with an attitude?

An assassin

What do you call the Mexican assassin?

Tequila

What's the opposite of an assassin?

A dickdickout.

What do you call a assassin that kills with sounds?

Ezio Audiotore

How do male homosexuals play duck duck goose?

They play assassin.

What do you call an assassin that attacks from above?

Altai-air

What do you call an assassin from the Soviet Union?

assassRass

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes