The Best 71 Ass Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ass jokes. There are some ass butt jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ass bumhole puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ass Jokes and Puns

Hooker: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

Hooker: You're a man of class :)

Man: Class my ass, I want it five times on grass

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.

So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"

"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my ass again ....

Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?


Without women sex would be

a pain in the ass

Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

My friend said, That's a nice-ass shirt you're wearing.

I said, Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

So dad beat my ass again

You can explore ass stick reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ass suppositories dad jokes. There are also ass puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting...

30% of women think their ass is too fat,

10% of women think their ass is too skinny,

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

My new party trick...

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

My Brother was a Bad Ass Doctor

Which sounds so much better than Incompetent Proctologist.


A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"

what would a world without women be like?

a real pain in the ass

BREAKING NEWS: A man was presented into the ER after shoving 6 plastic horses up his ass...

Doctors say that his condition is stable.

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys ass and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

Him: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.

Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

Two brothers

Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say Damn and you say Ass." The younger brother agrees.

Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some damn Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.

She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

What's the difference between a burro and a burrow?

If you don't know, you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground.

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

What's the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser?

Depth perception.

Four surgeons

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

Living in the northeast, I don't normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

How does a blindman know if he is done wiping his ass ?

It starts to taste like toilet paper

A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor's exam, just gleaming with happiness.

Her husband, being a grump, asked: What's got you so happy!?

The woman says, The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!!

The husband scoffs.
Then asked, Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?

She responds, I don't know. He never asked about you.

Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck

Because I'm never enough.

A wife is looking in the mirror at her breasts...and sighing. The husband asks what's bothering her, and she tells him she wished she had a larger bosom...

He says, "well here's what you should do. Every day, take some toilet paper, ball it up, and rub it between your breasts."

Excited...she asks, "and that'll make them bigger?"

"It might" he replies. "It sure worked for your ass".

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

What do you call a woman without an ass?

Divorced

You know what sucks the most about being a democrat in a republican household?

If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself

Yo mama so fat...

When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Gimme your best yo mama jokes.

Today I saw a kid getting his ass beat by 4 other kids, so I decided to help.

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

Did you sit on the F5 key?

Because your ass is refreshing

A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.

Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!

My wife wanted to get a boob job but it's expensive

I said try rubbing toilet paper between your tits. She said will that make them bigger. I said, well it worked on your ass.

My boss just referred to me as "A real pair of butts"

He said I am "A major ass set to the company"

A blonde was driving down the highway and noticed another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field

She pulled over to the side of the road and yelled,

It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!

And continued, you're lucky I can't swim, or I'd come over there and kick your ass!

Johann Sebastian Bach finds a time machine...

Johann Sebastian Bach finds a finds machine and comes to present time. He walks into a bar and finds a beautiful woman and introduces himself. He asks to buy her a drink, and she says okay, sure. When he gets to the bar he tells the bartender that he actually doesn't have any American money. The woman hears him and scoffs, I knew I shouldn't have talked to your Baroque ass.

Why did the limp Donkey cross the road ?..ahh forget it

.. sorry for such a lame ass joke.

One morning a man came into the church on crutches

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water."

Take good care of your ass

It's your only body part that gives a shit

My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

Tokyo Jetz joke

I'ma George Floyd your mutha**ckin’ ass.

Why should make sure your donkey is well rested?

Because a tired ass could spell disaster

An old Irish woman is naked starting at herself in the mirror

Her husband walks in and asks what in the hell are you doing?

I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.

Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?

You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.

(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)

I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

Whoever said technology will replace paper

..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

How do you keep a horses ass from talking?

Suspend his Twitter account

My grandma died surrounded by her family

She took a couple of us down with her but we got her ass

"Look, Mommy! I'm a popsicle!"

"That's not funny, son, get that stick out of your ass."

Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day..

..it would come back and bite me in the ass.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates.

It's more like a jar of jalapeΓ±os. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

A guy walks into the Doctor's office

A guy walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.

The Doctor looks at him and says "So what seems to be the problem?"

The duck says "Get this guy off my ass!"

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

My donkey just ate the last of my French bread

It's a pain in the ass situation

A blonde is driving down the road when she spots another blonde in a row boat in the middle of a dirt field.

She pulls over, jumps out of her car and screams You're the reason us blondes get a bad name! I should swim out there and kick your ass!!

It's really hard to have a serious conversation while you're eating ass

Since everything you say is tongue-in-cheek.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ass yeah jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ass rump piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes