Following is our collection of funny Ass jokes. There are some ass butt jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ass bumhole puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Hooker: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my ass, I want it five times on grass
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my ass again ....
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.
If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?
a pain in the ass
ass skin for a friend
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.
I said, Thanks. They are called pants, not an ass shirt.
"I really need to shave my ass"
But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.
I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.
The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.
We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
So dad beat my ass again
You can explore ass stick reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ass suppositories dad jokes. There are also ass puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
It was a pane in the ass.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.
I shit you knot.
Which sounds so much better than Incompetent Proctologist.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of ass everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
a real pain in the ass
Doctors say that his condition is stable.
Ass skin for a friend.
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys ass and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Two brothers, ages 8 and 5, wake up one morning, and the older of the two says, "Today we're going to start cursing. I'll say Damn and you say Ass." The younger brother agrees.
Soon, their mother calls them down for breakfast. She asks the older brother what he would like to eat. He replies "I want some damn Cheerios." His mother is horrified, slaps him across the face and sends him to his room.
She turns to her younger son and asks, "Well, what do you want for breakfast?" He replies, "I'm not sure, but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.
If you don't know, you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground.
The doctors describe his condition as stable.
Depth perception.
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."
The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."
It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.
But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.
It starts to taste like toilet paper
Her husband, being a grump, asked: What's got you so happy!?
The woman says, The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the breasts of a 20 year old!!
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old ass!?
She responds, I don't know. He never asked about you.
Because I'm never enough.
He says, "well here's what you should do. Every day, take some toilet paper, ball it up, and rub it between your breasts."
Excited...she asks, "and that'll make them bigger?"
"It might" he replies. "It sure worked for your ass".
Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye
Divorced
If you try to address the Elephants in the room, you end up making an ass of yourself
When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Gimme your best yo mama jokes.
He had no chance against all 5 of us.
Because your ass is refreshing
Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. It's women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!
I said try rubbing toilet paper between your tits. She said will that make them bigger. I said, well it worked on your ass.
He said I am "A major ass set to the company"
She pulled over to the side of the road and yelled,
It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!
And continued, you're lucky I can't swim, or I'd come over there and kick your ass!
Johann Sebastian Bach finds a finds machine and comes to present time. He walks into a bar and finds a beautiful woman and introduces himself. He asks to buy her a drink, and she says okay, sure. When he gets to the bar he tells the bartender that he actually doesn't have any American money. The woman hears him and scoffs, I knew I shouldn't have talked to your Baroque ass.
.. sorry for such a lame ass joke.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water."
It's your only body part that gives a shit
It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.
\- Gary Delaney
A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."
I'ma George Floyd your mutha**ckin’ ass.
Because a tired ass could spell disaster
Her husband walks in and asks what in the hell are you doing?
I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.
Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?
You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.
(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)
It turned out not to be my strong suit.
..has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad!
Ass crack
Suspend his Twitter account
She took a couple of us down with her but we got her ass
"That's not funny, son, get that stick out of your ass."
..it would come back and bite me in the ass.
It's more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
A guy walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.
The Doctor looks at him and says "So what seems to be the problem?"
The duck says "Get this guy off my ass!"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
It's a pain in the ass situation
She pulls over, jumps out of her car and screams You're the reason us blondes get a bad name! I should swim out there and kick your ass!!
Since everything you say is tongue-in-cheek.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ass yeah jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working ass rump piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.