ass Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ass puns

Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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Women's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses and the results were pretty interesting.

30% of women think their ass is too fat,
10% of women think their ass is too skinny,
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world

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I'm an ass man. Addicted to ass.

It's like crack to me.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

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To avoid being raped when I am in jail...

I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.

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Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

.When asked why he answered, If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have finished second.

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I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom.

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I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in her ass and said "yeah, you like that Steve?"

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A translated Norwegian joke

Two guys meets in the middle of nowhere, trying to find their wives.
They decide to help each other out, by describing their wives.

The first man goes on: "My wife is tall, well fit, blonde, got big firm breasts, thight bouncy ass, a massive lust for sex and a face of a model. How about yours"?

The second man replies: "She can go F**k herself, lets search for yours instead!"

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2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW]

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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I was walking by a car filled with black people...

..and they locked the door when i came near, I felt like a bad ass



then i realised that it was my car

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My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world.

Me

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A man comes home from a long day at work and asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!" She replied. "Well" He said "I just won 2 bucks on a scratch off. Here's a dollar, now get the fuck out."

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My wife is leaving me

I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it.

It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.

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Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim...

he's got a great ass.

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I once persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her ass.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

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A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

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A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

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My boyfriend asked for a nude pic (NSFW)

My boyfriend asked for a naked picture.
I asked him if he wanted to see tits or ass.
He responded "surprise me"

So I sent him a picture of my dick

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For a guy i think i have a nice butt,

Because evertime i walk away from a conversation i hear, "What an ass".

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

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I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I'm gonna kick your ass.

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My wife has a whale tattooed on her ass...

It used to be a dolphin.

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

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My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said

"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

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What are the most funny Ass jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ass? Well, here are the best Ass dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ass pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes