The Best 72 Asleep Jokes

Following is our collection of Asleep jokes which are very funny. There are some asleep awake jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these asleep unconscious puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Asleep Jokes and Puns

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

At this time of the year....

....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.


Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas funeral

Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.

Dreams.

3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"

The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"

The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."

A priest and a nun ...

... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,
...
...
"GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN DAMNED BLANKET YA HARPY!"

Paddy has sex for the first time

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.

"It was amazing," Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."

"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.

"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," Paddy replied.

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

Chinese 69

As told to me by the father of the groom at a wedding last weekend; he apparently offended the parents of the bride with the same joke the night before. He was getting my opinion as to whether it was really all that offensive.

> A Chinese guy is having trouble falling asleep. Finally at 2am he shakes his wife and asks her for a 69. She replies, "Who eats beef with broccoli at this hour?"

You can explore asleep blanket reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean asleep keyhole dad jokes. There are also asleep puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


It was an accident

A father is driving with his young son who is asleep when he bumps the horn, waking his son. The father apologizes, saying it was an accident. The boy tells him he knows it was, to which the father asks how he knew it was an accident. The son replies "well you didn't yell dumbass when you honked"

My Welsh Friend

I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.

Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle.

They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother".

Last night after we had sex I asked my wife if she was faking it

and she said "no, I really was asleep."

A man comes to a doctor and says...

— Help me, please, I can't fall asleep. Every time I go to bed there are a million thoughts in my head...

— I see, — replies the doctor, — I'll prescribe you a laxative.

— Will it help me fall asleep?

— Probably not but there sure will be only one thought on your mind.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.


Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?

Floyd Mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep

Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?

Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had sex...

He started counting then fell asleep.

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend [NSFW]

A Welsh man is in bed with his girlfriend, and they're thinking about getting it on. As they're getting ready, the girlfriend asks the man how many sexual partners he's had.

He begins to count, and soon he falls asleep.

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Kutz

(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)

Girl are you a dishwasher?

Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents.

Apparently you can't lie on your resume.

I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

Today I woke up to a blow job..

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer?

Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.

I just got my prostate examined.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.

A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.

When laying in her bed

Looping round in her head

Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

My hamster died...

He fell asleep at the wheel.

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had.

But he fell asleep while counting.

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she's toast.

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.

I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

A man asks his Welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

Did you hear the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.

-came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They don't come until you're asleep.

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women, she charged.

You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts.

Been thinking about this all night.

I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.

Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick?

Because the Windows were open.

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep?

A bulldozer.

I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"

"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"

Church is like sex

I fall asleep right after I come

Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony...

Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster

This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep

Fox News seemed to do the trick.

I had my prostate exam yesterday.

It's the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway.

I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
You beep when you sleep.
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
*beep*
*beep*
*beep*
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.

What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear?

Everyone would fall asleep

Russia has too many time zones

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones. -"Why"? Putin asks

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me she had it yesterday"

"I wish the Chinese President a Happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Well, these are just minor issues", Putin answered him.

"Minor issues? Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the President? I call them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!"

"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor

"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies

"And how died your grandfather?"

"He fell asleep"

"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"

"The way that my grandfather's friends died"

"And how died your grandfather friends?

"They were in the car with my grandfather when he fell asleep"

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.

The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"

The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

You're running around with other women, she charged.

You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone **poking** him in the chest. It was Eve.

What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded.

*Counting your ribs!*

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the asleep snooze jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working asleep groggily piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes