Asleep Jokes

154 asleep jokes and hilarious asleep puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about asleep that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Asleep Short Jokes

Short asleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The asleep humour may include short sleepy jokes also.

  1. Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex? Because they still need to drive home
  2. Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
  3. I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had. But he fell asleep while counting.
  4. I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
  5. What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
  6. Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.
  7. What do you call a German barber? Herr Kutz
    (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
  8. CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately Trump says it's all just fake snooze.

    Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.
  9. A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
    When laying in her bed
    Looping round in her head
    Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
  10. Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
    Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

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Asleep One Liners

Which asleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with asleep? I can suggest the ones about awake and slept.

  1. Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
  2. I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
  3. What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
  4. My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.
  5. There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
  6. I once woke up mid surgery. Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
  7. How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly? You don't.
  8. My daughters fall asleep to white noise. So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.
  9. Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep? He was resisting arrest.
  10. I fell asleep during surgery My patient unfortunately passed away
  11. In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed. I must have fell asleep.
  12. What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear? Everyone would fall asleep
  13. What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
  14. What do you get when your feet fall asleep? Coma-toes
  15. I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!

Falling Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny falling asleep jokes and even better falling asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Girl are you a dishwasher? Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
  • Did you hear the one about rim jobs? It's very tongue in cheek.
    -came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC
  • I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
  • What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep? A bulldozer.
    I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.
  • I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp
  • I had my prostate exam yesterday. It's the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway.
  • What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork? Bob.
    Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.
  • I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep Fox News seemed to do the trick.
  • I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.
  • There is an old Scottish proverb that says.... If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.

Falls Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny falls asleep jokes and even better falls asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake?
    Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.
  • What's the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'? Guys can fall asleep with a light on....
  • The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams... but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.
  • What do you call it when your foot falls asleep? Coma toes.
  • Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!
  • If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end They would all be a lot more comfortable.
  • What do you get when paper towels fall asleep? Napkins!
  • What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep? A kidnapper
  • The day before an important meeting I always make sure to fall asleep on top of my watch. That way I wake up on time.
  • More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides Probably because their main courses are enormous
Asleep joke, More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides

Fall Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny fall asleep jokes and even better fall asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Do you ever wake up, make love to the person next to you and be thankful you're alive? I did this morning, I have to stop falling asleep at the morgue.
  • Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues? Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."
  • How I fall asleep People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...
  • I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
  • I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had. Kept falling asleep trying to count them.
  • When people's feet fall asleep, why don't their toes signal for help? They're coma-toes.
  • I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me but each time, I kept falling asleep
  • Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job? He had narcolepsy
  • A man, his girl and his nights. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
  • I made this joke up when I was falling asleep! What do you call a blind optometrist?
    "Eye-rony" !!!!

Fell Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny fell asleep jokes and even better fell asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick? Because the Windows were open.
  • Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony... Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.
  • My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she's toast.
  • I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep. So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.
  • I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life... he started to count and he fell asleep.
  • I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party... and she woke up with more clothes on.
    (Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)
  • Did you hear about the hamster who died? He fell asleep at the wheel
  • The shepherd woke up one afternoon... "Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep.
    Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*"
  • Why was the shepherd fired? He fell asleep during inventory
    Why was the sheep girl fired?
    She was sleeping with the shepherd too.
  • I fell asleep in the shower last night I guess you could say I had a few wet dreams
Asleep joke, I fell asleep in the shower last night

Gather Around for Heartwarming Asleep Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about asleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean awoken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make asleep pranks.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

At this time of the year....

....there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that's why I'm no longer a fireman...

I've come to the conclusion that my s**... life s**....

I was m**... the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

what's the difference between a crack head and a p**... head?

If a crackhead overdoses you find them dead in the gutter, if pothead overdoses you find them asleep in the fridge.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins...

could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way
back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting
gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas f**...

Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.


3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting j**... off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky b**.... I just dreamed I was skiing."

A priest and a nun ...

... are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm cold!" The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she's OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
This time he's starting to nod off when he's again awoken by the nun, "Father, I'm still cold!" So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he's almost asleep this time she calls again, "Father, Father, I'm sooo cold!" The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?" The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, "Yes Father, I'd like that!" To which the priest responds,

p**... has s**... for the first time

After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

It was an accident

A father is driving with his young son who is asleep when he bumps the horn, waking his son. The father apologizes, saying it was an accident. The boy tells him he knows it was, to which the father asks how he knew it was an accident. The son replies "well you didn't yell d**... when you honked"

My Welsh Friend

I asked my welsh mate how many s**... partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.

Wife: "Hey s**..., the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."

So a Scottish man is talking to his angry girlfriend....

She goes, "How many other girls have you had s**... with?" The Scotsman starts counting in his head, but after the 12th sheep, he falls asleep.

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle.

They came across a beautiful, n**... girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother".

Last night after we had s**... I asked my wife if she was faking it

and she said "no, I really was asleep."

A man comes to a doctor and says...

— Help me, please, I can't fall asleep. Every time I go to bed there are a million thoughts in my head...
— I see, — replies the doctor, — I'll prescribe you a laxative.
— Will it help me fall asleep?
— Probably not but there sure will be only one thought on your mind.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed

Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
Floyd Mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

I asked my Welsh friend how many times he'd had s**......

He started counting then fell asleep.

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to our local fish market, saying, "Shhhh... they're all asleep."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many s**... partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.

Today I woke up to a b**.....

..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little b**... to fall asleep

I asked my Welsh mate how many s**... partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

Woke up to a b**... earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

A man asks his Welsh friend how many s**... partners he's had to this day

The Welshman starts counting but falls asleep.

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
You're running around with other women, she charged.
You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded. Counting your ribs!

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was m**... and my hand fell asleep.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"

Church is like s**...

I fall asleep right after I come

What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?

They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the b**....

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!

I asked a kiwi how many s**... partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.

A clever way of telling if your kids asleep.

A man tells his kid,
You beep when you sleep.
The dad ends up convincing his kid that he actually beeps when he sleeps.
The next night the dad peeked into his kids room to see if he was asleep.
Now his kid makes beep noises when he fake sleeps.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"

"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor

"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies
"And how died your grandfather?"
"He fell asleep"
"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"
"The way that my grandfather's friends died"
"And how died your grandfather friends?
"They were in the car with my grandfather when he fell asleep"

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some s**... woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.
The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"
The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tomorrow morning, but I do!"

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
You're running around with other women, she charged.
You're being unreasonable, Adam responded. You're the only woman on Earth.
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone **poking** him in the chest. It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing? Adam demanded.
*Counting your ribs!*

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.
She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your w**... for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her c**... and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?
Wife: I lost my w**... like You said
Husband: did it hurt?
Wife: didn't feel anything but it hurt like h**... when I put it back in.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep or . . . .

if you operated on the right patient.

An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their s**... prowess.

The Englishman boasts he's gotten laid with 27 different partners this year.
"What about *you*?" he asks the Welshman, who promptly falls asleep.

Asleep joke, An Englishman and Welshman were in a pub discusing their s**... prowess.

jokes about asleep