Asleep Jokes

Funniest Asleep Short Jokes

Short asleep jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The asleep humour may include short sleepy jokes also.

1. Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex? Because they still need to drive home
2. Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
3. I once asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he's had. But he fell asleep while counting.
4. I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
5. What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep.
6. Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.
7. What do you call a German barber? Herr Kutz
   (This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
8. CNN says that Trumpists have been falling asleep at Trump rallies lately Trump says it's all just fake snooze.
   ​
   Credit where credit is due I stole this from YouTube comments.
9. A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
   When laying in her bed
   Looping round in her head
   Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;
10. Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"
    Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Share These Asleep Jokes With Friends

Asleep One Liners

Which asleep one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with asleep? I can suggest the ones about awake and slept.

1. Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence
   
2. I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
3. What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
4. My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.
5. There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
6. I once woke up mid surgery. Thankfully the patient was still asleep.
7. How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly? You don't.
8. My daughters fall asleep to white noise. So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.
9. Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep? He was resisting arrest.
10. I fell asleep during surgery My patient unfortunately passed away
11. In the morning, I woke up on the floor next to my bed. I must have fell asleep.
12. What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear? Everyone would fall asleep
13. What do you call a royal pig that is falling asleep? Prince Nodding Ham
14. What do you get when your feet fall asleep? Coma-toes
15. I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!

Falling Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny falling asleep jokes and even better falling asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Girl are you a dishwasher? Because I would like to fill you with my dirty load in the evening, turn you on, and fall asleep before you finish
• Did you hear the one about rim jobs? It's very tongue in cheek.
  -came up with this while trying to fall asleep. Pretty sure it's OC
• I was fired after falling asleep on personal documents. Apparently you can't lie on your resume.
• What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep? A bulldozer.
  I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.
• I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp
• I had my prostate exam yesterday. It's the last time I will ever fall asleep on the subway.
• What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork? Bob.
  Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.
• I needed to have some white noise on in the background to help me fall asleep Fox News seemed to do the trick.
• I once met a Welshman who bragged about his virility I asked him how many partners he'd had and he said 'I dunno, everytime I count them I fall asleep'.
• There is an old Scottish proverb that says.... If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.

Falls Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny falls asleep jokes and even better falls asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why do all the other number work to keep 8 awake? ​
  Because when 8 falls asleep it's forever.
• What's the difference between 'Light' and 'Hard'? Guys can fall asleep with a light on....
• The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams... but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.
• What do you call it when your foot falls asleep? Coma toes.
• Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!
• If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end They would all be a lot more comfortable.
• What do you get when paper towels fall asleep? Napkins!
• What do you call a machine that makes kids fall asleep? A kidnapper
• The day before an important meeting I always make sure to fall asleep on top of my watch. That way I wake up on time.
• More than 50% of Americans fall asleep on their sides Probably because their main courses are enormous

Fall Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny fall asleep jokes and even better fall asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Do you ever wake up, make love to the person next to you and be thankful you're alive? I did this morning, I have to stop falling asleep at the morgue.
• Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues? Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."
• How I fall asleep People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I'm going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey...
• I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
• I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had. Kept falling asleep trying to count them.
• When people's feet fall asleep, why don't their toes signal for help? They're coma-toes.
• I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me but each time, I kept falling asleep
• Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job? He had narcolepsy
• A man, his girl and his nights. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.
• I made this joke up when I was falling asleep! What do you call a blind optometrist?
  "Eye-rony" !!!!

Fell Asleep Jokes

Here is a list of funny fell asleep jokes and even better fell asleep puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Why did the man who fell asleep in front of his PC got sick? Because the Windows were open.
• Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony... Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.
• My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she's toast.
• I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep. So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.
• I asked my Welsh friend how many partners he's had in his life... he started to count and he fell asleep.
• I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party... and she woke up with more clothes on.
  (Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)
• Did you hear about the hamster who died? He fell asleep at the wheel
• The shepherd woke up one afternoon... "Oh no! I fell asleep! I hope nobody stole my sheep.
  Let's see 1, 2, *Zzzzzz*"
• Why was the shepherd fired? He fell asleep during inventory
  Why was the sheep girl fired?
  She was sleeping with the shepherd too.
• I fell asleep in the shower last night I guess you could say I had a few wet dreams

Gather Around for Heartwarming Asleep Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about asleep you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean awoken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make asleep pranks.