Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Asked puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
I responded, "How about now?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
I said, No. Is that still required?
He said "inflation"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
They arrested me
I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.
We've updated our privacy policy
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
My boss asked what companies?
Gas, water and electricity.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
I said, Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead.
She said - why would we choose you..
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
You've given me one too many I said.
That one is a freebie
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
"I am not Master Akira."
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
I made sure to fill her in
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
He said I don't know. I'm not really into politics.
They promptly arrested me
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
She whispered: "They're right behind you."
They arrested me.
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.