The Best 55 Ashes Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Ashes jokes. There are some ashes loved jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ashes yews puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Ashes Jokes and Puns

How do you trap an elephant?

Start by digging a big hole in the ground then fill it with ashes. Take some peanuts and place them around the edge of the hole. When the elephant comes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash-hole.

How Kids Got Their Names

3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.

The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."

The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was born my parents dropped ashes on me."

The third one, a boy named "Brick" says "AHHHUUUUAUUAUUAAAA HUUAAA HURRRR"

If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

Will she be Rivers Phoenix?

Ashes joke, If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"

"My husband's ashes", the client replied.

"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."

"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

To catch an elephant (my favourite joke when I was a kid):

First off, you're going to need to dig an elephant-sized hole.
Next, fill the hole with wood and set it ablaze.
When the fire dies down to ashes, surround the hole with peas (elephants love peas).
Wait for an elephant to come take a pea.
Then kick it in the ash hole.


How to trap a Bear.

1.) Dig a Hole.
2.) Put Peas around the Hole.
3.) Put ashes inside the Hole.
4.) When the Bear comes to take a Pea Kick him in the ash hole.

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a funeral director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The funeral director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the funeral director.

Ashes joke, Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

How to Catch a Bear.

Have you ever wanted to catch a bear? If you have, there are 4 simple steps to follow.

Step 1) Dig a big hole to catch the bear in.

Step 2) Cover the bottom of the hole in ashes so the bear doesn't get hurt when it falls in the hole.

Step 3) Sprinkle berries around the ring of the hole, because bears love berries.

Step 4) When the bear comes to eat the berries, kick it in the ash-hole.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

You can explore ashes undertaker reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ashes cremator dad jokes. There are also ashes puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How to catch a bear.

You dig a hole, fill it with ashes then line the brim with peas.
When the bear comes to take a pea; kick him in the ash-hole.

How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole
Fill it with ashes
Sprinkle peas on top
When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.

How do you catch an Elephant?

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and line the outside with peas.

So when the Elephant comes to take a pea, you can kick him in the ash hole.

Why do so many Jews enjoy smoking?

The ashes reminds them of their parents.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

Ashes joke, If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

How do you capture an elephant?

You dig up a hole, put ashes in it and surround the hole with peanuts. Then, you kick him in the ash hole.

Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.

So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.

Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.


It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

How to catch a bear...

1st - Dig a huge hole and fill it with wood

2nd - Light the wood on fire and burn it until there is nothing but ashes

3rd - Place peas all around the outside of the hole

Now, when the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him right in the ash hole.

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"

How do you catch a bear?

You dig a hole, and fill it up with ashes. Then you line up frozen peas around the hole.

And when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

What do you call an old person swimming in the ocean?

Ashes

I was doing some good coke...

When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Next you put peas around the hole. When it comes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.

One of the guys I'm training just jokingly told me I heard your mom is loose .

I immediately responded ashes usually are after they're spread .

I wonder what will be said at the Chuckle Brothers funeral...

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
To me to you to you

My Jewish friend and I live in California where there were a lot of wildfires recently, and suddenly ashes started raining from the sky.

He said, "oh look, a family reunion!"

I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Hitler wasn't against smoking for health reasons

Its just that there were already to many ashes lying around

My uncle Frank always wanted his ashes stored in have favorite beer mug from Germany.

God rest his soul.

Frank-in-Stein.

We were happy to hear that grandpa has finally stopped smoking.

The crematorium said we could pick up his ashes tomorrow.

Where are all the good men?

Buried in the cemetery or being turned into ashes at the crematory.

The only good man is a dead man.

A man was born a street sweeper and dies a street sweeper. What do they say at his funeral?

From ashes to ashes, to dust to dust. Sweep dreams, old friend.

My moms' creepy uncle's ashes were spread across the beach because that's what he wanted...

So all the hot girls would lay on him...

i snorted my nans ashes once

not all of it, just half a gran

What does Pikachu and 6 million jews have in common?

They're both Ashes

A man was walking through town

A man was walking through town when he saw a crowd of bystanders watching a funeral parade. He asked a bystander what's going on. The bystander said that they're going to scatter the ashes of Clark Gable so he's truly Gone With the Wind.

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I'll go out on a high.

My grandfather's last wishes was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

Before he died, my grandfather's last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes ..."

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealthβ€”never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you'll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

My pornstar friend recently passed away.

Per his request, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ashes crematory jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ashes cremate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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