Ashes Jokes

Following is our collection of undertaker humor and loved one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Ashes puns for adults, dirty cremator jokes or clean yews gags for kids.

There is an abundance of crematory jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 46 funniest jokes on ashes. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cremate witze you can hear about ashes.

The Best jokes about Ashes

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

I like my women like I like my marijuana...

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*ck do you think?"

Father's ashes!

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no... Oh!!! I just....."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

How do you trap an elephant?

Start by digging a big hole in the ground then fill it with ashes. Take some peanuts and place them around the edge of the hole. When the elephant comes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash-hole.

How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole
Fill it with ashes
Sprinkle peas on top
When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.

Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Funeral Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.

So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"

"My husband's ashes", the client replied.

"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."

"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

To catch an elephant (my favourite joke when I was a kid):

First off, you're going to need to dig an elephant-sized hole.
Next, fill the hole with wood and set it ablaze.
When the fire dies down to ashes, surround the hole with peas (elephants love peas).
Wait for an elephant to come take a pea.
Then kick it in the ash hole.

How to Catch a Bear.

Have you ever wanted to catch a bear? If you have, there are 4 simple steps to follow.

Step 1) Dig a big hole to catch the bear in.

Step 2) Cover the bottom of the hole in ashes so the bear doesn't get hurt when it falls in the hole.

Step 3) Sprinkle berries around the ring of the hole, because bears love berries.

Step 4) When the bear comes to eat the berries, kick it in the ash-hole.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

How Kids Got Their Names

3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.

The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."

The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was born my parents dropped ashes on me."

The third one, a boy named "Brick" says "AHHHUUUUAUUAUUAAAA HUUAAA HURRRR"

How to catch a bear...

1st - Dig a huge hole and fill it with wood

2nd - Light the wood on fire and burn it until there is nothing but ashes

3rd - Place peas all around the outside of the hole

Now, when the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him right in the ash hole.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Next you put peas around the hole. When it comes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.

One of the guys I'm training just jokingly told me I heard your mom is loose .

I immediately responded ashes usually are after they're spread .

How to trap a Bear.

1.) Dig a Hole.
2.) Put Peas around the Hole.
3.) Put ashes inside the Hole.
4.) When the Bear comes to take a Pea Kick him in the ash hole.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

My grandfather's last wishes was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

How do you capture an elephant?

You dig up a hole, put ashes in it and surround the hole with peanuts. Then, you kick him in the ash hole.

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I'll go out on a high.

How do you catch an Elephant?

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and line the outside with peas.

So when the Elephant comes to take a pea, you can kick him in the ash hole.

I was doing some good coke...

When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.

My Jewish friend and I live in California where there were a lot of wildfires recently, and suddenly ashes started raining from the sky.

He said, "oh look, a family reunion!"

It's been a long time cummin'.....

Cremated Husband....

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

Why do so many Jews enjoy smoking?

The ashes reminds them of their parents.

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a funeral director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The funeral director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the funeral director.

A man was walking through town

A man was walking through town when he saw a crowd of bystanders watching a funeral parade. He asked a bystander what's going on. The bystander said that they're going to scatter the ashes of Clark Gable so he's truly Gone With the Wind.

How do you catch a bear?

You dig a hole, and fill it up with ashes. Then you line up frozen peas around the hole.

And when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

Will she be Rivers Phoenix?

What does Pikachu and 6 million jews have in common?

They're both Ashes

My uncle Frank always wanted his ashes stored in have favorite beer mug from Germany.

God rest his soul.


Hitler wasn't against smoking for health reasons

Its just that there were already to many ashes lying around

I wonder what will be said at the Chuckle Brothers funeral...

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
To me to you to you

Where are all the good men?

Buried in the cemetery or being turned into ashes at the crematory.

The only good man is a dead man.

i snorted my nans ashes once

not all of it, just half a gran

My moms' creepy uncle's ashes were spread across the beach because that's what he wanted...

So all the hot girls would lay on him...

A man was born a street sweeper and dies a street sweeper. What do they say at his funeral?

From ashes to ashes, to dust to dust. Sweep dreams, old friend.

We were happy to hear that grandpa has finally stopped smoking.

The crematorium said we could pick up his ashes tomorrow.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes