Ashes Jokes

61 ashes jokes and hilarious ashes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ashes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of lighthearted jokes about the Ashes urn, from the perspective of a tear rolling down an undertaker's face after a cremation. Laugh at these jokes about the treasured symbol of the England vs Australia cricket rivalry.

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Funniest Ashes Short Jokes

Short ashes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ashes humour may include short dash jokes also.

  1. Did you hear that auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go? They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
  2. I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking..... We can collect her ashes tomorrow.
  3. My favorite pokemon joke What did pikachu say when ash fell off a cliff? Pikachu, that's all he can say.
  4. Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod... The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.
  5. How many superheroes can you fit in one car? Five
    Two in the front
    Two in the back
    And Peter Parker in the ash tray
  6. The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE! (Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
    Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
    I had only myshelf to blame.
  7. Before he died, my grandfather's last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond. That's a lot of pressure.
  8. How to catch an elephant Dig a big hole
    Fill it with ashes
    Sprinkle peas on top
    When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole.
  9. Did you hear about the guy who lit his pants on fire? He made an ash of himself!
    ^^how ^^ember ^^assing...
  10. My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond There's a lot of pressure

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Ashes One Liners

Which ashes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ashes? I can suggest the ones about shell and tails.

  1. This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokémon trainer? Ash.
  2. I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire... I've only got Ash now.
  3. What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash
  4. Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.
  5. itsnate joke tiktok What's jewish favorite Pokemon character ?
    Ash !
  6. Which character of Pokemon is a jew? Ash
  7. I lost all my pokémon cards in a housefire.. All I have now is Ash.
  8. I lost my favorite ash tray. Child Protective Services took him.
  9. Who's the most famous jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash
  10. I like mountains. But volcanoes are ash holes.
  11. Hagrid spreading Dumbledore's ashes into the winds. "You're a blizzard Albus."
  12. What did 1 volcano say to another volcano? That ash.
  13. What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
  14. A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes. She snorted half a gran.
  15. Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains? To catch a Peek-at-you

Ashes joke, Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains?

Unearthly Funniest Ashes Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about ashes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ashes pranks.

How do you trap an elephant?

Start by digging a big hole in the ground then fill it with ashes. Take some peanuts and place them around the edge of the hole. When the elephant comes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash-hole.

How Kids Got Their Names

3 Kids are taking about how they got their names, and why their parents named as such.
The first one, a girl named "Rose" says "I was named Rose, because when I was born my parents dropped rose pedals on me."
The second one, a boy named "Ash" says "I was named Ash, because wedge I was born my parents dropped ashes on me."
The third one, a boy named "Brick" says "AHHHUUUUAUUAUUAAAA HUUAAA HURRRR"

If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes....

Will she be Rivers Phoenix?

An insurance agent was talking to a prospective client at her home.

When she noticed a beautiful vase. She asked her client, "do you keep anything in it?"
"My husband's ashes", the client replied.
"I am so sorry", apologized the agent, "I did not know he was deceased."
"He isn't - he's just too lazy to hunt for an ashtray."

To catch an elephant (my favourite joke when I was a kid):

First off, you're going to need to dig an elephant-sized hole.
Next, fill the hole with wood and set it ablaze.
When the fire dies down to ashes, surround the hole with peas (elephants love peas).
Wait for an elephant to come take a pea.
Then kick it in the ash hole.

How to trap a Bear.

1.) Dig a Hole.
2.) Put Peas around the Hole.
3.) Put ashes inside the Hole.
4.) When the Bear comes to take a Pea Kick him in the ash hole.

Not PC anymore, but it made my grandfather laugh so I'm sharing it.

Two gay men went to a f**... director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The f**... director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the f**... director.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

How to Catch a Bear.

Have you ever wanted to catch a bear? If you have, there are 4 simple steps to follow.
Step 1) Dig a big hole to catch the bear in.
Step 2) Cover the bottom of the hole in ashes so the bear doesn't get hurt when it falls in the hole.
Step 3) Sprinkle berries around the ring of the hole, because bears love berries.
Step 4) When the bear comes to eat the berries, kick it in the ash-hole.

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that b**... I promised you? Well, here it comes"

How do you catch an Elephant?

Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, and line the outside with peas.
So when the Elephant comes to take a pea, you can kick him in the ash hole.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

How do you capture an elephant?

You dig up a hole, put ashes in it and surround the hole with peanuts. Then, you kick him in the ash hole.

f**... Plans

When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in the sea.
So when my family eats sushi they'll think of me.

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.
Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.

It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

How to catch a bear...

1st - Dig a huge hole and fill it with wood
2nd - Light the wood on fire and burn it until there is nothing but ashes
3rd - Place peas all around the outside of the hole
Now, when the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him right in the ash hole.

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

A salesman knocked on a suburban door...

...and was greeted by a nine-year-old boy puffing away on a long black cigar. Stunned for a brief moment, he managed to regain his composure and say "Good afternoon. Would your mother or father be home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes onto the carpet, and replied "What the f*c**... do you think?"

I was doing some good coke...

When my Grandma caught me. She asked me what am I doing with grandpa's ashes.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Next you put peas around the hole. When it comes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.

One of the guys I'm training just jokingly told me I heard your mom is loose .

I immediately responded ashes usually are after they're spread .

My Jewish friend and I live in California where there were a lot of wildfires recently, and suddenly ashes started raining from the sky.

He said, "oh look, a family reunion!"

I like my women like I like my m**......

Chopped into tiny pieces and burned to ashes without the police ever finding out.

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with c**...

That way, I'll go out on a high.

My grandfather's last wishes was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That's a lot of pressure.

A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that b**... I promised you?
Here it comes ..."

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the f**... home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a p**... of chili, so he can tear my a**... up just one more time."

How do you catch an elephant?

First, you'll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

My pornstar friend recently passed away.

Per his request, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.
She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.
The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."
Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor where it shatters and spills the ashes everywhere. "Oh no! OH NO!! I'm SO sorry!" they exclaim.
"Don't worry about it. We'll just clean it up, my Dad can tap his cigarettes into a mug until he buys another jar from Walmart."

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.

She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of f**... service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."

Someone invites their friend over to their house for the first time and shows them around.

Admiring an ornate jar with a lid, the friend picks it up and asks about its importance.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes." comes the reply which startles them, causing the jar to slip between their fingers and shatter on the floor in a cloud of grey dust.
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY!" profuses the panicked friend, but they're reassured- "Relax! My dad can put his smokes out in a mug until he buys another one."

Ashes joke, Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.

jokes about ashes