Artist Jokes

Following is our collection of portrait humor and canvas one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Artist puns for adults, dirty abstract jokes or clean sketchy gags for kids.

There is an abundance of art jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on artist. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any illustrator witze you can hear about artist.

The Best jokes about Artist

R Kelly is really changing the rap game





He takes the art out of rap artist

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.


So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

An old Soviet joke..

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.


A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wings."

The child replied, "Then why did you call it a horse?"

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"

A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.

The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"

What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?

Condescending

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

A woman goes to get a tattoo

The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey.

Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos

The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.


The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

A guy asks for a tattoo on his........

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.


He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

The results for The Disaster Artist are in.

Overall, it's received Hi Marks.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.


Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"


The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he bought all the 15 paintings hanging here!''
''That's wonderful!'' the artist exclaimed, ''What's the bad news?''
''The bad news is that the guy was your doctor''

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."

What do you call an artist who has no money

baroque.....

(I'll just see myself out)

What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"

The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

[offensive] Why didn't Hitler become an artist?

Because he hated mixing colors...

Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

A critic goes to an art gallery and finds the artist of the pieces there.

Critic: "Would you like to know what I think of your art?"
Artist: "Oh, yes please"
Critic: "It's useless"
Artist: "I know, but I would still like to hear it. "

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Sculpter, artist or window cleaner

But which of the three do you want to be the most?

I don't care as long as i get to see naked women

The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"

"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.

Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."

They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

You know, Hitler must have been a pretty great artist.

There are a ton of museums dedicated to his work, after all.

What's the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...

to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street artist perform.

The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.

The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"

They each reply:

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Si"

"Ja."

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's

Carlos Mencia

An artist, architect, and engineer are at a bar...

...talking about having a wife vs. a mistress.
The artist declares that he prefers a mistress because he finds them more spontaneous and exciting.
The architect says, "no, I much prefer a wife because I enjoy building that foundation with one woman and love the security that comes with marriage."
The engineer says, "I prefer to have both and to spend equal time between the two of them... eventually, they both get used to you not being around and you can sneak off and get some work done."

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

What do you call a Mongolian swindler?

A Khan artist.

The Pickup Artist

Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it.

The bartender walks back, and Ted says, "There's a guy who's leaving alone tonight!" Even as he speaks, the hottest girl in the room walks up to the homely guy. They chat a minute, then leave arm-in-arm. "Man!", says Ted, "what luck!"

"He's a regular", says the bartender. "Every night, the same thing, he leaves with a different woman, never here for more than five minutes."

"No way," says Ted, "What's his secret?"

"Beats me. He just walks in, orders a beer, and sits there licking his eyebrows."

I've just found out that one of my best friends is a mime artist.

He kept that quiet.

There's an apartment with 4 floors...

... on the first floor there is an artist, on the second there's a plummer, the third there is a blind man, and on the fourth there is a woman taking a shower. The woman taking a shower hears a knock on the door, she gets out of the shower, puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the artist, "I just sold a painting for thousands of dollars!" he exclaims.
"That's wonderful, congrats!" she replies. Then the woman closes the door and gets back into the shower. A few minutes later she hears another knock. She puts her robe on and opens the door. It's the plummer.
"I finally opened my own pluming business, and will be making much more money," the plummer says.
"That's great, congrats!" the woman replies. she then gets back into the shower. Just a few moments later she hears another knock. She thinks it must be the blind man. So she gets out of the shower but decides not to put her robe on. She opens the door and it's the blind man.
"Guess what?" the blind man yells.
"What?" the woman asks.
"I can see again!"

A graphic designer is working on a website...

...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"

So he makes the color a little bit more green.

But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."

So he makes it a little less green.

The client says, "No, it's still a bit off."

So the artist, losing his patience, shouts, "On a scale of 0 to 255, how green do you want it!?"

Lenin in Poland

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting.

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

An Artist, an Architect, and an Engineer...

...are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect says, "A wife, of course. A good marriage is the foundation of a happy life."

The artist says, "No, a mistress. She will add intrigue and excitement to your life."

They turn to the engineer to ask his opinion. The engineer says, "I have both. The wife thinks I'm with the mistress. The mistress thinks I'm with the wife. And I can go down to the plant and get some work done."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes