Article Jokes

A Brazilian people killed.

One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.

She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".

He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.

She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"

Check out this article:

The

Poor kid

Was reading the news this morning and saw an article about a kid in Denver born without any eye lids.

The doctor decided that since the parents were having him circumcised, the f**... could be made into eye lids for the kid.

The surgery actually turned out really well, kids just a little cockeyed.

My first drink with my son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

I wanted to learn about amputees on Wikipedia

But I didn't learn much, because the article was a stub.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

Which article of clothing is the most ghetto?

A Hoodie.

s**... after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's almost over!'

I was reading in the paper...

And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
I thought to myself, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.

Number 3 will shock you.

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left?

There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

I've been to the year 3000...

Nothing much has changed but Article 50 still hasn't been triggered.

What is a chromosome's favorite article of clothing?

a pair of genes.

How did the editor fix the writer's article about appreciation for a certain valuable mineral?

I once read an article about how a midget got pickpocketed...

How could anyone stoop so low

What is a pornstar's favorite article of clothing?

A jack it

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

I just read that article about Robot s**... Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

Found a news article saying that millions of people die annually from doing yoga.

I think that's a stretch.

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun

Walk into a bar

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."

If I had a vaccine for every b**... news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that's why they call him the Supreme Reader.

Anyone read the article about how m**... will make you go blind?

I'm going to need one of you to read it to me.

I read a Buzzfeed article called "The Top 10 Things You Didn't Know About Explosive Diarrhea"....

number 2 surprised me.

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

A man and a and his wife are having breakfast

As the wife is reading the newspaper, she comes across a strange article.
It says here that they've found a 12,000 year old skeleton frozen in a glacier, and evidently it's a woman. Now how do you think they knew it was a woman?

The husband replies with:
Well it's simple.

How is it so simple?

It's mouth was still open.

The executioner asked, "Any last words?"

The criminal replied, "I just want one more clickbait article".
Executioner: "What happens next will shock you"

Best thing about article 13...

No more TikTok.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You're in for a n**... surprise -
No one knows yet. But we're keeping count.

I'd make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!

An American explains to a Russian...

that the United States has freedom of the press, and their journalists won't get pushed out of windows, for example, if they write an article that says Donald Trump is a liar.

The Russian says that this is nonsense, because journalists in Russia can easily write an article without fear of retribution that says Donald Trump is a liar.

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?

It was 1959 , says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

What's a mass m**...'s favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".

I read in an article that women should kiss and nibble on a man's earlobe in bed to turn him on.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren't sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

Wow said someone in the back. Imagine the score he could've gotten if he wasn't sick

When he was a teenager, little Johnny's father caught him reading one of his older sister's magazines. Son, why are you reading that s**... magazine? he asked.

There's an article that tells women where to meet men, Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine's cover. I need to know where I'm supposed to be.

I read an article the other day. It was rather specific but i hope you all enjoy it too.

The

What is a f**... fetishist's favorite article of clothing?

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Windbreaker

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the b**... pram.

I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

I read an article about a half-goat, half-man.

But when I saw it was from The Onion I realized that it was satyrical.

So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.

Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.

A husband and wife are sitting together at breakfast...

The husband is reading a paper and says "Look honey, according to this article, it's impossible to be happy and sad about the same thing." She thinks for a second and says "Oh yeah? Between you and all your brothers, you're "the biggest.""

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus' death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

Due to the cost of living crisis, a paramedic has had to take a second job as a Buzzfeed writer.

Their first article was on the 2 best forms of resuscitation.

Number 1 was CPR,

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Number 2... WILL SHOCK YOU

A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I make sure to put on tights.'

'I see, why did you only start doing that three years ago?'

'Well lass, was about three years ago that my wife found a pair of tights in the back of my car.'