arse Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious arse puns

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!


Just relax. I said, You might like it.


Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

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My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

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I was in bed last night with my wife

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, "You can't do this to me!"

I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her.

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My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist

He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing

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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

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I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face.

That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.

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Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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Man goes to the doctor (NSFW)

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate check.

The doctor is examining him when he discovers bank notes in the man's rectum.

He pulls them out and counts them, he says to the patient; "You're not going to believe this, but I've just found £1950 up your arse."

"Ah, that makes sense," the patient says; "I thought I wasn't feeling too grand."

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My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

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A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

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A girl brings her boyfriend to meet her dad...

Dad: Of all people, you choose to be with this stupid and lazy arse?

Boyfriend: ...

Girl: Dad, don't say things like that about him! You don't even know him yet. He's currently studying to get a doctorate in physics while working a full time job.

Dad: (to Girl) I wasn't talking to you.

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My wife said she wanted to have sex like in the movies..

..so I fucked her in the arse and came on her face and in her hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

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What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse

A mechanic

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Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't shearin' my sheep wuth innyone!"

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Little Johnny was in class one afternoon

And the teacher asked him to come to the front and tell the class what he had done that weekend, hoping that it would be a nice clean story (ok...)

"Well miss, me and my mate grabbed a frog from the stream and shoved a firecracker up his arse th-"

Feeling a bit flustered and trying to inject bit of proffesionalism into the situation she inturupts him and stammers "R-rectum Johnny!"

"Wrecked 'im miss? We blew his fucking balls off!"

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When I heard they'd found a cure for dyslexia,

It was music to my arse.

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I had a little car accident

On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny..

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

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A Husband and Wife were getting ready for bed...

A Husband and Wife were getting ready for bed one evening. The woman was looking at herself regretfully in the mirror and stated her wish that her boobs were bigger.
"What you should do" said her husband "Is rub toilet paper between your tits every day".
"How is that going to help?" she asked.
His reply -
"It's been working pretty well on your arse".

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When I heard they found a cure for dyslexia

...it was like music to my arse

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NSFW A man tells his doctor he's got a lettuce up his arse

The doctor tells the man to turn around, drop his trousers, and bend over. The doctor begins looking and says he can see a few leaves. The man replies, 'I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

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I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together...

I shit you knot!

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My Uncle Eric was a shit Ventriloquist...

He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything.

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I went for my prostate examination this morning.After inserting a finger into my arse and having a good feel around, the doctor looked at me and said,

"that should be my finger, not yours"

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I STARTED MY NEW JOB....


I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

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Hot chicks and Control

So i'm with this smoking hot chick the other day. She's lying there naked in front of me. Perfect tits, arse cheeks like fresh peaches. She's trying to act cool,like she's not interested in me, but it get's to the point where i just can't take it anymore. So I whip out my cock and start masturbating furiously. Before i know it she's leapt up from the table, picked up her clothes and stormed out of the room.

"Oh fucking well done!" says the guy next to me. "What are we supposed to draw now?!!"

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John's arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff's arse.

At this point everyone starts laughing. The queen is perplexed. She asks what's funny? Jeff says, Josh is on the way with a watermelon!

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A group of young men are having a quiet drink in the pub...

when an absolutely wasted older guy starts shouting towards the group.

"I fucked your mum!"

The group ignore him.

The guy continues, "Your mum takes it up the arse!"

The group can no longer ignore him, but try not to become agitated.

"Your mum loves my cock!"

Finally, one of the group snaps and leaps to his feet.

"For fuck's sake! Go home, dad, you're drunk!"

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Jimmy Savile was a terrible ventriloquist.

He stuck his hand up my arse and told me not to say anything.

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Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his arse, doctor was umming and umming, guy says doc what is wrong? Doctor says.

This is only the tip of the iceberg.

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What are the most funny Arse jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Arse? Well, here are the best Arse dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Arse pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes