Ars Jokes
110 ars jokes and hilarious ars puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ars that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ars Short Jokes
Short ars jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ars humour may include short jokes also.
- An 18 year old walks into a bar with an AR-15 He gets kicked out as he is below the drinking age
- An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country... ...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
- What do Marco Rubio and an AR-15 have in common? They're both really easy to buy in Florida.
- A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Isn't that uncomfortable?"
The pirate responds, "Ar, it's drivin' me nuts." - Several years ago, the military upgraded the AR-15 to an AR-18, but quickly abondoned the new weapon. When asked about what happened to the new guns, a general replied,
" They Argon." - My girl classmate complimented me on my looks ar school today Then I remembered it was the first of April
- They didn't take too well to my latest AR videogame sales pitch... Frogger Live, Ultimate Edition
- I was talking about schools earlier today Facebook apparently overheard and I found a great deal on AR-15's when I logged in later
- Its useful having a muslim friend He's handy at school when the police are coming and your AR-15 is out of ammo.It's like having a human RC-XD at your disposal.
- There was such a relief when our classmate pointed his AR-15 on us. It was just a robbery.
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Ars One Liners
Which ars one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ars? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What does a Trump supporter use to load his/her AR-15? A MAGAzine.
- Yeah the gender reveal started a wildfire... ... but we did it for ar-son!
- Police: We're looking for pirates Me (a southerner): Y'ar?
- What did the daddy fire say to the mommy fire when their child graduated? "That's ar-son"
- Why don't any pirates live in Kansas? Because they all live in *Ar*kansas.
- What did the parents say when they forgot someone in their burning house? AR-SON!!!!
- How do you make a journalist laugh? By giving them ar-ticles!
- Where are the Noble Gasses? Ar~gon
- Did you hear about the guys who stole Ar off the periodic table? They Argon and got away.
- The pen is mightier than the sword. That's why school shooters use the ar-15
- Where did the Pirate from Kansas move to? Ar-Kansas
- Where Do Pirates From Kansas Go? AR-kansas
- My dog said the sunset was beautiful today... But I thought it was arful
- Did you hear about the thief who performed ar his local theatre? He stole the spotlight
- What's the preferred gun of pirates? The AR
Ars Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about ars you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ars pranks.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years
I don't have 2020 vision
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney world and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
Given that a radiator is essentially a vital o**... to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie cars is called "Radiator Springs."
It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: 'in charge of scheduling, I was'
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during m**...?
His ears.
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?
Because if he chose SpaceY he'd land on 14 year old boys.
In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Boy: What's a palindrome?
Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
I changed the tags of my mother's herb jars. She hasn't notice it yet..
But the thyme is cumin
If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....
Space x.
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years
Lose an election.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed.
I've had a Canon printer for years.
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places....
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.
So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad
I guess it will be 5050
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
I love "technically true" jokes, like:
If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.
Or
Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?
Or
There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
What else you got? (It doesn't *have* to be water-related...)
Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.
Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.
Now they're spreading like wildfire.
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
Why were the star wars movies released 4,5,6,1,2,3,7,8
In charge of planning Yoda was
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...
They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
If I had a dollar for every gender
I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits
I want my 11780 dollars.
Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.
He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
An Irish man frees a genie
and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.
The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."
So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.
"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"
"I want two more of these, then!"
Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."
China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.
One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
I found a wallet what do i do?
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
Alligators can live up to 100 years...
Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.
I bought a theremin
But I haven't touched it in years.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets it.
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."
My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time
So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!
Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.
Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.
The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
Why are women so bad at parking cars?
Because for the last 200 years they've been told that three inches are actually six.
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...
the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable
My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.
Dirty b**....
This subreddit is 10 years old now.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
Sir, your son was smoking m**... at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's f**.... A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his t**..., says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.
After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!
And it only took me 14 years
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....
Turns out her sister had it all along...
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain
He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.