The Best 84 Arrives Jokes

Following is our collection of Arrives jokes which are very funny. There are some arrives pulls jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these arrives occur puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.

"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?" he asks.

"No, just visiting for a few days."

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel...

An Indian man arrives at the reception of a hotel and asks for a room for the night. The receptionist says "of course, sir, do you have a reservation?"
To which he replies "I'm not that kind of Indian!"

The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"

With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."


Always on duty

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,

"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."

"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Whats your name?

An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.

The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."

Asian Keanu

Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.

Top Arrives Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore arrives hurriedly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean arrives depart dad jokes. There are also arrives puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Old tourist joke

German tourist arrives at a French airport. Immigration officer asks him: "Occupation?" The German replies: "No, no, just visiting."

"Tom Jones Syndrome"

A man is in the waiting room at his Doctor's office and finally, the Doc arrives.

"Hello Jim what seems to be the problem today?"

Jim replies "Doc, you've gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'She's a Lady' by Tom Jones!"

The Doc says "oh yes, that is 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"

"Is it common?" Jim asks

"Well it's not unusual"

First post.

First joke I ever learned

An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"

He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

A woman is at a cafΓ© orders the soup de jour, which happens to be alphabet soup that day. But when it arrives it just has ordinary noodles...

She says to the waiter, "Hey, I thought this was supposed to be alphabet soup."

The waiter replies, "It's in *cursive* ma'am."

A new monk arrives at the monastery.....

and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night

- "Sister Andrea, it's already dark and we are still quite fare from the covent"

- "Yes Sister Dulce and did you notice that a man is following us??"

- "Yes! and what do you think he wants ?"

- "logical, rapes us... what should we do??"

- "logical: we split way, you on the left me on the right"

The man starts following Sister Dulce. Sister Andrea arrives to the Covent, and is worried because Sister Dulce is not arrived yet. After 1 hour here she comes.

- "What happened??"

- "Well I started running and obviously as did the man"

- "and??"

- "Logical: he reached me.."

- "Oh dear god! And what did you do??"

- "Logical: I lifted my dress up"

- "And what did he do??"

- "Logical: He dropped his pants"

- "god.... and??"

- "Logical no? A nun with her dressed up runs faster than a man with his pants down"

ps: Sorry my english is not my first language :)

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

A monk decides to become a scribe...

When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.

The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...

"It says 'celebrate'."


A Jew is stuck in a well.

A Jew is stuck in a well. Three men pass by at different times and notice this.

The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.

The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.

Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.

Two engineers are meeting for lunch

Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.

"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.

The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."

"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree first....shoot the chihuahua."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...

"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.

Customs Officer: "Name?"

Putin: "Vladimir Putin."

Customs Officer: "Nationality?"

Putin: "Russian."

Customs Officer: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."

A man gets on a train to go to Scotland for business...

When he arrives, it's raining. He stays for three whole weeks and the rain never stops. When he finally returns to the train station, he see's a young boy. He goes up to him and says "Excuse me, does it ever stop raining here?" The boy replies "I'm not sure, I'm only 5 years old."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"

I ordered a book called "How to relieve stress"

My goodness, for the life of me I really hope that it arrives on time.

And that it's useful.

And that the delivery man doesn't dislike me.

A guy arrives home late from the pub....

His wife is waiting for him when he gets home and she starts giving out to him and shouting at him him for being drunk. He mumbles 'I'm not drunk I swear, I only had 2 or 3 pints'.

'You are drunk', she says, 'you can barely stand up'. He stands up straight and again says 'I'm not drunk'. 'Can you tell the time?' she asks. So the man turns around and looks at the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

Husband: Guests are coming tonight.

What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."

*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.

* loud sound comes from the kitchen *

Wife: Everything alright, honey?

Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

A dead lawyer

lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.

Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.

Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."

"Sure thing, sweet pee."

A photon arrives at the airport

As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, that's at home. Here, the chef actually knows how to cook"

An inspector arrives at murder scene of an obese man by a cannibal

It was a lot to digest

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

A man arrives home from work to see his mother-in-law being attacked...

... on the street outside his house by six men. He gets out of the car and watches for a second when his neighbour calls from the window "Hey, aren't you going to help?"
To which the man replies, "No, I think six is enough."

A pessimist arrives at a restaurant for his date.

He says, "A table for one, please."

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

A man and a woman are in a restaurant...

When their food arrives, the man exclaims Well this looks delicious! Let's eat

But don't we have to say prayer first? Says the woman

Honey, we do that at home. Here the chef knows how to cook

A father and his three daughters...

are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
Hi, my name is Lance, I'm here for Nance. We're going to the dance.
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
Hi, my name Joe and I'm here for Flo. We're going to watch the show.
Flo left with Joe
A third young man arrives.
Hi, my name is Chuck- the father shot Chuck

A blonde crashes a helicopter

A policeman arrives shortly and helps the blonde out from the wreckage. "How did this happen?",questions the policeman. The blonde replies,"It got chilly so I turned off the fan."

An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle

Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"

"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."

The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."Β 

Santa comes to the White House....

Santa arrives at the White House and hands Donald Trump his Christmas present. Trump excitedly tears open his gift then looks up at Santa in shock. "What?", Santa exclaims. "I thought you LOVED coal.

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.

The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

Saint Peter has a day off...

... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.

Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.

After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.

Jesus: DAD?!

Man: PINOCCHIO!

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.

Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.

"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!

The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?

Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tighten that rope of yours because I don't know how to swim."

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.

When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for sex"
Then when the daughter arrives the parrot says: "A new face has come"

Then when the father comes home, the parrot says: "John, I haven't seen you in weeks, would you like the usual?"

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland.

The Scottish waiter arrives carrying a tray with many cakes on it. Queen asks, Is that a scone, or a meringue?

The waiter replies: Naw, yer quite right, that's a scone.

A duck and a beautiful woman

A duck and a beautiful woman are sitting on a hotel room bed when the duck realizes he has no condom not wanting to take any chances he calls room service. Room service arrives he asks "Do you want me to put this on your bill?" "No what do you think I am some kind of pervert?"

Smoked pot in my car and a cop arrives......

Cop : How high are you ?
Me : No officer! It's hi how are you ?

A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.

The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.

He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed"









Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"

A nurse, who works in the ER, arrives for her shift

she spots a little boy, who is sitting in the hallway, crying his eyes out.
She asks him: "What happend? Can I help you?"
Boy: "My mother just died from a traffic accident."
Nurse: " Iam so sorry, shall I get you a priest?"
Boy: "No, thank you, Iam not in the mood for sex."

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

"I'm a turtle", he says.

"Oh... who's on your back?"

"That's Michelle", he replies.

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?

Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?

Idk where i heard it

A man flies to Australia, when he arrives the lady at the airport asks him if he has a criminal record, the man answers ''crap are those still required?''

A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happy.

Three months pass. She's really worried about her youngest when finally a message arrives. It's addressed in shaky handwriting and contains an ad for British Airways. "London to Paris: Seven days a week, three times a day, both ways."

She fainted.

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."

"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with this pole. He's gonna fall, and my dog is trained to bite the crouch, so when the gorilla protects his groins, I handcuff him and bring him back to the wild. Hold this gun, please". The man asks "what do I do with it?", and the guy "If I fall from the tree, shoot the dog".

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his colleague says, "I don't think you'd look good in a dress".

"Can I use your WiFi?"

An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.

When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".

The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."

A guy arrives home early...

Father: you're home early...

Son: *sigh* yeah, I got kicked out.

Father: What?! Why?!

Son: the prettiest girl in my math class offered to give me a handjob and I just couldn't say no

Father: I don't think they're going to let you teach there anymore

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"

"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"

... An old joke in honor of the great man.

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she better work to forget about the trouble.
Five minutes later the boss finds the blonde crying even louder.

"What else happened?" he asks her.

To which she responds:
"My sister just called and told me her mother died too."

The Bad News - I've been suffering from chronic Insomnia

The Good News - Only 2 more sleeps until Santa arrives.

When January finally arrives we'll find out whether we've defeated the evil year 2020 or not. According to my calendar...

Twenty-twenty won.

People may have hope for the year after that, but I hear it'll be twenty-twenty too.

A man can't decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.

He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.

When the day of his girlfriend's birthday arrives he gives her the handpicked bouquet of the flowers. The girl blushes and says Oh, thank you honey! These flowers are so pretty! They almost make me forget that someone destroyed my garden!

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

Boss, he says, we're doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.

COVID has us short-handed, the boss replies. I can't afford to give anyone a day off.

The man says, Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!

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