Arrive Jokes

Following is our collection of eagerly humor and layover one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arrive puns for adults, dirty arrival jokes or clean come gags for kids.

There is an abundance of decide jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 86 funniest jokes on arrive. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any greet witze you can hear about arrive.

The Best jokes about Arrive

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

I think weekends are made in China

They don't last very long, and they take forever to arrive.

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport

He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport

"Good morning, First time in Germany?"

"First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"

"Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"

"T-34, I was the gunner"

Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

Why do they name all hurricanes after women?

Because when they arrive they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....






Son, you are adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!

Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.

A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?

The husband said: I've heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.

After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where's the girl?
She responds with: you'll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?


Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

The Pearly Gates and the Brothers

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.

St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who. The black guys?" asked God.

"No. The Gates."

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."

The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.

The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.

The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

An Arab student e-mails his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

your Dad

Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?

Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.

Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.

A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....

A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.

They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.

He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,

"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"

What about the mad cow?

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and
go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."

The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."

The waiter, a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"

The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."

A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.

As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.

Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.

Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive...

A dad is waiting with his shotgun for his daughters' dates to arrive.

The doorbell rings and the father opens the door to the first young man who says "Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Strange kid but harmless, thinks the dad, and he lets the boy in.

The doorbell rings again. The dad answers the door and the new young man says, "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father lets him in.

The doorbell rings for the third time. When the father opens the door, the date says "Hi, I'm Chuck..." KABLAM!

A meeting at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.

They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.

Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.

Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming I'm the mouse! I'm the mouse!

I always arrive late to work...

...but I make up for it by leaving early.

Martians arrive on earth...

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.

"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond

The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer

"Pardon me?" the pope asks

"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.

However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get into heaven? All she did was pee!" St. Peter says, "A flush always beats any pair."

The exchange student

A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"

Three nuns arrive at the gates of Heaven...

St Peter is there to meet them and explains that before they can enter, they each need to answer a question.

He turns to the first nun and asks her "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?"

The first nun immediately answers "Eve!"

"Congratulations!" says St Peter, "You're in!"

St Peter then turns to the second nun and asks her "Where did Eve live?"

The second nun immediately answers "Garden of Eden!"

"Congratulations!" says St Peter, "You're in!"

Finally, St Peter turns to the third nun, who happens to be the Mother Superior.

"Now, since you're the Mother Superior," he says, "your question has to be a little more tricky. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

"Ooh..." says the third nun, "That's a hard one..."

"Congratulations! You're in!"

A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."

The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?'

The lawyer looks down in horror.

'FUCKING HELL!' he screams........'My Rolex!!!'

I asked my phone what its favorite joke was: What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?

"One day my prints will come."

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.

The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.

The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.

Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

The Pain Machine

A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.

"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."

She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get cocky when he still feels fine.

"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."

The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"

The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.

"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"

Praying and Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O'Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O'Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O'Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?

Barbara replied, You'd better jack off. I've got a headache.

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, the nurse realized that she had forgotten to place tags on the different sheets. She informed the doctor of her mistake and that she was unable to recall which baby was which. The doctor was something of a scientist and believed that there was a parenting instinct which would allow them to identify the babies. He said they would let the couples go in, look at the babies, and take whichever one they identified as their own through this inherent, natural drive.

The English couple went first, returning almost immediately carrying the darkest skinned child. The nurse, recognizing this, approached the English couple to inform them;.

"Sir, no offence, but I believe that this child belongs to that Pakistani couple over there"

"Yeah, I know mate, but I heard that the other couple over there is Irish and I'm not taking any chances"

Before marriage vs. after marriage

Before marriage:

Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!

Her: Is it still possible to call it off?

Him: No, don't even think about it!

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Of course!

Her: Will you betray me?

Him: No. Why would you even think about that?

Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?

Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: Never!

Her: Can I trust you?

For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.

An Irishman has a drinking problem...

..that causes him to almost never arrive to work on time. His boss, frustrated by the man's lack of punctuality, warns him that if he is late to work one more day, he'll be fired.

The next day, the man makes sure to arrive to work on time, but is surprised to find that he can't find a space to park his car in. After ten minutes of circling the parking lot, and his job nearing termination, the man desperately looks up and says, "Oh, Jesus, I promise, if you give me a spot and I get to work on time, I'll give up drinking forever."

Lo and behold, he turns the next corner to find a parking space right in front of him, and the man quickly looks up and says, "Nevermind! I found one."

I'm going on a date with a delivery man.

He said he'll arrive between 3pm and 7.30pm.

An eldery couple goes to heaven together

When they arrive, they notice there are two pearly gates for men.
Above the first gate is a sign that says:
"Please come here if you wore the breeches in your relationship!"

And above the second gate is a sign that says:
"Please come here when your wife told you what to do!"

There is a huge queue at the second gate, so the husband walks over to the first gate. When he tries to enter, the bouncer asks:
"Are you sure this is the proper gate for you?"

"I have no idea, my wife told me I should come here..."

1000 Years.

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory.

The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room, inside were hundreds of women fully nude. The man runs in the room excited as can be as St. Peter says " Ill be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."
The second man was a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, "Ill be back in 1000 years to see of you've learned your lesson."

The third man was a chronic pothead. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, " I'll be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson."

1000 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sex addict inside is so releived, and repents. St. Peter allows him into heaven.

The alcohol speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in.

St. Peter opens the potheads door only to find him joint in one hand pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says " You got a light, man?"

A woman and her daughter are hosting a dinner party.

When all the guests arrive, the woman asks the little girl to say grace. She says, "But Mommy, I don't know what to say?" The mother says, "You've heard me pray. Just say you've heard me say." So the girl says, "Jesus, what was I thinking inviting all these people over to my house?"

A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...

thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have sex." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's sexy time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a condom, nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the condom, but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time

... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, "welcome to heaven good sir!" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa.

Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, "you'll do" before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment.

The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he, a priest, is getting this second hand treatment while a cabbie gets the best of the best. St. Peter looks at him and says, "When you preached, people slept; when he drove, people prayed."

Two blondes are at a bar celebrating

as soon as the drinks arrive, they give a quick toast, exclaiming **21** then turn up their glasses. The bartender thought this was odd, considering they both looked to be close to 30. Time passes, another round ordered, and other celebratory cheers stating **21**. The bartender again ignored them and moved on. On the third occasion with the same celebration, the bartender decided to ask what the big occasion was. Was it 21 years as friends? 21 some sort of big number for work? 21 months married? What. One blonde was all too happy to explain that it was none of those. She went on to say "we just finished one of those puzzles that said 7-10 years and it only took us 21 days."

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed when I arrive at university in my Lamborghini every day, whereas my fellow students and even the profs come here every day with a subway train, I stick out like a sore thumb."

The next day, his father replies:
I've transferred $100 million to your bank account. Go buy yourself a subway train, too - don't you be a disgrace to us!"

Russian prisoners

Three guys find themselves in the same cell in a Soviet prison. They ask each other what their crimes were.

The first guy says that he used to report 15 minutes late to work everyday. He was charged with laziness and thrown in jail.

The second guy says that he used to report 15 minutes early to work everyday. He was accused of being a spy and thrown in jail.

They look at the third guy who says, "I used to arrive exactly on time at work every day."

"What sort of a crime is that?" the other two ask.

"I was accused of owning an American watch."

Needed: Eyelids

A baby is born with no eyelids. The doctors need a solution, and fast. The best solution, and the one they arrive at, is to use his foreskin for his new eyelids. They successfully attach his foreskin as eyelids, with only one complication. Now hes a little cock-eyed.

An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.

There was a Gay guy named Billy

Billy was dating a bisexual guy named Jordan. Recently, however, Jordan has started going to parties on Friday nights without inviting Billy. Billy, thinking that Jordan was ashamed of dating a guy, asks to go with him one day.

When they arrive at the bar, he notices that Jordan is not holding his hands like he usually does. When they walk in, a short, drunk blonde girl who wraps her arms around his waist. Jordan introduces the girl as Jean, who tells Billy that she's heard a lot about him. Billy wonders if he told her about their relationship and starts to get jealous. He tells Jordan that he's going to go home early.

Jordan follows him to the door and asks why he is leaving. Billy just says that he is not having fun and tells him to have fun with his "friend". Jordan realizes what this was all about and tells him that the girl was just someone he used to date. She recently had a child and he wanted to know whether the child was his or not.

Billy doesn't believe Jordan's story. He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. However, Jordan stops him and looks him right in the eye. Then, he says, "Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just some girl who said that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."

If you arrive fashionably late in crocs...

you're just late.

Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says 'you will be careful won't you?'

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks 'Why?'

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storms out of the room.

At home his mother is surprised to see him back so early and asks 'what's up son?'

He says 'she's a virgin Maw'

The mother says 'you done did right boy… if she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours'

An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...

... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:

A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.

"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."

E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communistο»Ώ

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip. The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.

Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"

He said "Sure, lady. Which way was it heading?"

A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man

A gay man, a fat man, and a rich man all die and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them they may stay in heaven, but only if they can resist their favorite earthly temptations. The three men agree and begin to walk through paradise. They soon come to a McDonald's. The fat man begins to run toward it and disappears. The two remaining men continue walking.
They soon come upon a $100 bill laying on the ground. The rich man bends down to pick it up and the gay man disappears.

A boy is going to buy tickets to prom...

...for him and his girlfriend. The line for the tickets is very long, but he waits it out. He then goes to rent a limousine and again there was a long line and again he waited it out. He needs one more thing, a tuxedo. So he goes to buy one and there's a long line, but he waits this one out too. So now comes the prom he and his girlfriend arrive in their newly rented limo, him in his tux and his girlfriend in her beautiful dress. They get into the prom and his girlfriend asks him to get her some punch. So he walks over to where the punch is, and there's no punch line.

Racist St. Peter

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter:

"How many times do I have to tell you?
You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved.
All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, Well, they're gone."

The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.

As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"

The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four of you sit right there at the back"

They sat down and started writing their test, only for the teacher to get to them and say: "there's been a change in the exam for the four of you. Question 1: which tire was flat?"

I just arrived at my "Premature Ejaculators Anonymous" when I noticed...

... no else was there. I came too early, again.

Four students plan to arrive late to their final exam so they can take it the next day.

By the time they arrive the exam is almost over, so they head over to the professor to ask if they can take it the next day. They tell him they tried their best to come on time, but their tire blew out and it took too long to replace it.

The professor tells them, "Don't worry about it. You can take it today and, since there's almost no time left, you only have to answer one question. If you get it right, I'll give you an A on the test." The students, thinking this is even better than they thought, excitedly take their seats and look at the question:

Which tire blew out?

Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates

...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there.

The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the street below I saw a man running while putting on his jacket and straightening his tie. Well, in my rage I was able to lift our refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him. Unfortunately, the strain gave me a heart attack and I died."

"Wow, that's quite a story," said St. Peter. "What about you?" he asked the second man.

"I was late for work again and knew that it was nip and tuck whether I could catch my bus. I wolfed down some coffee and ran out the door carrying my jacket and doing up my tie. Next thing I know a refrigerator landed on me. Needless to say it was fatal."

St. Peter said "I see." Looking at the third man he asked "What's your story?"

"I'm really not sure," said the man. "I was just minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator."

So three nuns have passed and are at the pearly gates..

When they arrive, Gabriel is there and says "Each of you must answer a question correctly to enter heaven."

His question to the first nun was "What was the name of the first woman?" and she replies "Eve!" And of course thats right, so on she goes.

His question to the second nun was "Where did Eve live when God created her?" to which she replies "Eden, of course." Another correct answer and on she goes as well.

His third question to the last nun was a bit trickier as she was a nun for the longest. "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" The nun mumbles "Oooh, thats a hard one.."

So in to heaven she went as well.

Why did the Spanish police wake up and arrive early?

So they could beat the crowd

A few fresh snails

Tom's wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment's before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down some fresh snails for the party.

On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he'd stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails. One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn't gotten his wife those snails.

Quickly he hurried down, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party.

Tom, looked towards the snails and said C'mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we're there!

Two poets die and go to heaven.

When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first poet says, "I looked upon the golden land, I looked upon the golden sand, a golden ship came in to view, its destination was timbucktoo." The secound one looks a bit worried due to how good the other poets poem was. After think a while longer the secound poet goes "Tim and I a walk we went, saw three women by a tent, they were three and we were two, so I bucked one and Tim bucked two".

When I tell the joke I let the person I'm telling it too decide who gets let in.

Is god Black or white?

A black guy and white guy are arguing over whether God is
black or white. They cannot agree and finally decide to
fly to Israel, climb the highest mountain and shout the
question to God. After they arrive and reach the summit
of the holiest mountain, the white guy shouts out, "God,
what are you, black or white?"

Soon, dark clouds gather, the wind picks up, lightning is
flashing and this thundering voice replies: "I am what I

The white guy turns to the black and says, "See, I told
you He was white."

"How do you know?" asks the black.

"Because," says the white guy, "If He was black, He would
have said "I is what I is.""

Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar

Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.

John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?

The bartender replies: For your beer?

To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!

The skiers

Three friends decide to go to a ski resort for the weekend. When they arrive at the lodge, they're dismayed to learn that there's only one room left. What's worse, it only has a single bed. Figuring that it's their only option, they decide to take the room.

After a full day of skiing, the tired friends head up to their room and sleep in the one bed. They all wake up in the morning after a good night's sleep.

The guy on the left side says, "I had this dream that I was getting a hand job."

The guy on the right says, "No way! I had the same dream!"

The guy in the middle says, "That's weird, I dreamt I was skiing."

Two kinda oldish guys visit a casino...

And they arrive at the Roulette table. "Hey, what number should we bet on?" "I dunno. How often do you have sex in a week?" "12 times." "AWESOME! Me too! Let's bet on 12!".

The ball spins around and around and finally settles on the Zero.

Moral: Be honest.

On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.

The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"

"I reckon the roller coaster."

two sean connery jokes for the price of none........

**q:** what time does sean connery arrive at wimbledon? **a:** tennish --- **q:** when sean connery sprays febreze in his bathroom, what does it smell like? **a:** shitrus.

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."

"Don't thank me," the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. "I'm a lawyer."

Tough choice

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

My British fathers signature Dadjoke

There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.

Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"

Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"

Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"

Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"

Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"

and so they went on their way

A month or so goes by and they meet once again

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"

Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."

Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"

Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing

After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.

One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"

Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"

"But... you are the president..."

Donald Trump nods. "Exactly! So where's my present!"

17 blondes decide to go to cinema...

But when they arrive they don't enter the cinema because it says you have to be 18 to get in.

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted What the hell, man as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

No offense, the kidnapper responded as he ran away.

Nun taken! the officer reported into his radio.

My friend was flying with Delta airlines

I told him: "Don't expect luggage to arrive".

He later informed me his luggage didn't even leave the airport.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes