Arrest Jokes

Following is our collection of custody humor and criminals one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arrest puns for adults, dirty jail jokes or clean cops gags for kids.

There is an abundance of detain jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes on arrest. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any detention witze you can hear about arrest.

The Best jokes about Arrest

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"


After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.


I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!


How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

I got arrested at the airport last week.

Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

I was arrested for being awake too long

The cops said i was resisting a rest

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.


got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.

I'm looking at a long sentence.

If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane...

....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking

I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.

They didn't realise I picked 7 up.

How do you stop serial killers?

Just arrest one of them, and all of them stop.

This wouldn't work if they were parallel killers.

I just got arrested for using my iPhone

It looks like I'm going to Face Time

I got arrested while jamming on my guitar..

Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and shot the man. He's not going anywhere. Within minutes the place is swarming with police, helicopters, cars, dogs, etc. They find the man breaking into the shed and arrest him.

The police go to the man, "I thought you said you shot him!" The man responds "I thought you said you had no one available"

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from behind'.

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

I got arrested at a hospital yesterday.

Apparently, the stroke patient sign is not a request one.

Materialist Lawyer

A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges. A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.

The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"

The lawyer responds, "Of course not you fricking idiot! Did you see what that guy just did to my Jaguar? You're going to arrest him, right?"

The cop just shakes his head, "You lawyers are so materialistic. I'll bet you haven't even realized your arm is missing."

The lawyer looks down where is missing arm should be and screams, "Oh my god, my Rolex!"

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke.

Italian guy on a bus

Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady was shocked to overhear an Italian say to another, "Emma come-a first. I come-a next. Two ass-a come-a together. I come-a again. Two ass-a come-a together again. I come-a once more. Peepee twice. Then I come-a for the last time."

When the Italian was finished, the red faced old maid turned to a policeman sitting nearby and said, "Are you not going to arrest that terrible old man?"

"What for?" asked the policeman. "For spelling Mississippi?"

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in their patrol car.

I asked the officers what they were arresting her for. The officer looked me square in the eyes, and said, "WAVING AROUND A FIRE ARM!"

I got arrested today for masturbating in public

My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

One secret policeman asks another, What do you think of the regime? ...

Nervously, the second policeman replies, The same as you, comrade. At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.

I killed a black guy....

I thought I would get arrest for murder, but I got arrest for impersonating a cop.

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

A Mother's Day joke.

A recruit at a police academy is asked some difficult questions when it comes to the job. He is asked,

"If you pulled over your mother, and had to arrest her, what would you do?"

The recruit replies, "I'd call for backup"

I got arrested on New Year's Eve.

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The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and dig in the hot desert with no water till he finds another well. Martin, figuring he has no chance of surviving the digging, takes on the sheik.

The sheik, an expert fighter, pities him and offers him a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before facing his death. Martin, in his drunken stupor, takes up the sheik's sword and lops the sheik's head off with no warning. The whole oasis cries out in joy at the death of the tyrannical sheik and informs him that now he had become sheik himself, but Martin had already dozed off and not heard any of it, so they left him alone till he came to.

And on that day, the Vodka'd Martin, he was sheik and not stirred.

A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer

Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.

I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist

Turns out I bombed the test

[original] Why don't you serve police unfiltered coffee?

Because that's grounds for arrest.

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

I got arrested today

I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though

I got arrested for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia.

But I should be fine. I can explain everything in court.

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.

A police officer called his station back on Radio.

He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor.

Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ?

Officer: Not yet.

Dispatch: ?

Officer: The floor is still wet.

Why did the cop arrest the sick bird?

He was ill-eagle.

It's funny because it's true. It's frustrating because it's true.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Police, open up, you're under arrest

"Police open up you're under arrest" who?

Alright, now you're charged with resisting arrest too.

A black person is walking down the road...

When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.

"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.

"But I didn't even do nothing!"

I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don't think I'll have a problem getting myself off.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.

My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest?

A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

Just got arrested for masturbating with weed when I was on a plane.

Apparently, I was High-Jacking.

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

Never arrest a guy with acne

They're good at breaking out

A red blood cell was found stealing oxygen...

They had to make a cardiac arrest.

Did you hear about the girl who stole my heart?

The police placed her under cardiac arrest!

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

Why did the police arrest the musician who homemade his instruments?

Domestic violins!

I got arrested at an airport.

Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.

I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

Sex joke

Wife dressed up as a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and said I was under arrest for being a sex god.

Was released 2 minutes later with no charge.

I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

I've been arrested for robbing a bank dressed as a frog.

It's the first time I've ever kermitted a crime.

I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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