The Best 84 Arrest Jokes

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I got arrested last night for murder...

I can't remember too much, I was out drinking till late. Once I left the pub I saw two young men fighting. It took some effort but I successfully managed to separate them.

The judge says they were Siamese twins conjoined at the head.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

It's funny because it's true. It's frustrating because it's true.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Police, open up, you're under arrest

"Police open up you're under arrest" who?

Alright, now you're charged with resisting arrest too.

A Mother's Day joke.

A recruit at a police academy is asked some difficult questions when it comes to the job. He is asked,

"If you pulled over your mother, and had to arrest her, what would you do?"

The recruit replies, "I'd call for backup"

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

I got arrested on New Year's Eve.

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The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot.

My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

I got arrested at the airport last week.

Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

April 1st, officially the worst day of the year to have a cardiac arrest.

I got arrested while jamming on my guitar..

Apparently, I was fingering A Minor.

I got arrested today

I got arrest today, apparently you aren't allowed to do doughnuts within 200ft of a school zone... the frosting worked as great lubricant though

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

I got arrested the other day for stealing full stops.

I'm looking at a long sentence.

If you were arrested for masturbating on a plane...

....they would have to charge you with hi-jacking

I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They've sent me to the Small Claims Court.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl...

...i thought she was a couple of years older than that, I suppose that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father.

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke.

I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist

Turns out I bombed the test

I got arrested today for masturbating in public

My lawyer then told me that we'd beat this together.

An old soviet joke.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.

I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

I killed a black guy....

I thought I would get arrest for murder, but I got arrest for impersonating a cop.

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on my street...

And to top it off, the cops took away my potato gun.

I just got arrested for using my iPhone

It looks like I'm going to Face Time

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar

I was charged with child molassation

A police officer called his station back on Radio.

He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor.

Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ?

Officer: Not yet.

Dispatch: ?

Officer: The floor is still wet.

A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer

Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

A black person is walking down the road...

When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.

"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.

"But I didn't even do nothing!"

[original] Why don't you serve police unfiltered coffee?

Because that's grounds for arrest.

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

How do you stop serial killers?

Just arrest one of them, and all of them stop.

This wouldn't work if they were parallel killers.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

I got arrested the other day for stealing six cans of Sprite.

They didn't realise I picked 7 up.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

The police officer inspected my drivers license carefully.

"Driver, I see you have a class 3 license that requires you to wear glasses whilst driving. I can't help but notice you are not wearing glasses."
"I've got contacts," I explained.
"I don't care who you know, driver," declared the officer. "You're under arrest."

:-P

I was arrested for being awake too long

The cops said i was resisting a rest

I got arrested at a hospital yesterday.

Apparently, the stroke patient sign is not a request one.

Why did the police officer arrest the popcorn?

It was guilty of all salt and buttery.

Me, to the cop: You can't arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

Arrested at the airport

I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said 'Enter Juliet from behind'.

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Why did the cop arrest the sick bird?

He was ill-eagle.

I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don't think I'll have a problem getting myself off.

One secret policeman asks another, What do you think of the regime? ...

Nervously, the second policeman replies, The same as you, comrade. At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.

I got arrested for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia.

But I should be fine. I can explain everything in court.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Officer: "the floor is still wet."

RoboCop: you are under arrest!

"before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them?"

**RoboCop:** I'm going to let you off with a warning

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

I got arrested for illegally downloading the whole of Wikipedia

I told them I could explain everything.

I got arrested for fishing without a license at a dubstep festival.

The arresting officer yelled "drop the bass!"

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

Why didn't the police arrest the amputee?

He was unarmed.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything.

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

Why did Soviet policemen always walk around in groups of three?

One could read, and was needed to read ID documents in case of an arrest.

One could write, and was needed to write down the names for punishment.

The third one was needed to keep an eye on these two dangerous intellectuals.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia.

I told them I could explain everything

My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!

Him: I can explain everything!

(It's his best joke yet I think)

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."

The police said they'd arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

A KGB agent meets a friend

"How are you doing?" the KGB agent asks

"I'm fine, I'm working as a teacher. How about you?"

"I'm a KGB agent"

"Oh, what is it that you do?"

"I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime"

"There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?" the friend asks in shock

"Yeah, but they are the responsibility of the anti-corruption department"

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They're calling me a petaphile

Did you see there's an arrest warrant out for Schrodinger's Cat?

He's wanted dead and alive.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn't charged.

I can lead a horse to water...

But the police told me if I drown another one they'd arrest me.

A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police...

made a speech at the funeral and said may he arrest in peace