Following is our collection of facilities humor and arrange one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arrangements puns for adults, dirty placement jokes or clean bereave gags for kids.
There is an abundance of commission jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 24 funniest jokes on arrangements. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any rents witze you can hear about arrangements.
She keeps asking what I'm doing
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"
At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing next to me who had overheard our conversation tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"Don't get too excited. What she really said was: 666136429."
This is a long one, and a groaner, but it's worth it.
There once was this town that was known for it's flowers. There were three florists who would make the best flower arrangements people had ever seen, and the town received many awards for them. The three florists enjoyed the competition, and didn't resent each other.
One day, a friar moved into the town and started his own flower shop. He made cheap bouquets and undercut the other florists. They soon started losing customers and money. The three original florists got together and decided to hire an assassin to kill the friar. They found one name Hugh, and he agreed to kill the friar.
Hugh killed him, and the three florists got there customers back, and were happy. Which just goes to show,
Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the necessary arrangements.
The grave digger says "I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for $1000."
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned "Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in the Holy Land?"
The man gets very close and whispers "A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he came back, I cant take that chance with her."
*
They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
and he was unable attend the funeral. But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the funeral home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all the best and be buried in a beautiful casket and in a lovely cemetery at the top of a hill.
Well, the next month, he gets a bill for a considerable some, which seemed fair, so he paid it. But then the next month he got another bill. He decided, sure there was probably some residual balance, so he paid it as well.
The following month he got yet another bill from the funeral home, which seemed odd. So he called them to ask about it. "Didn't you say you wanted your father to have all the best when he was buried?"
"I did."
"Well we rented him a tux."
They may cremate, they Mayberry
His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a hooker for a final hurrah.
They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man Your friends sent me here to give you some super sex!
The man contemplated a bit and carefully replies to the woman I think I'll have the soup.
It's called "Oediple Arrangements."
The funeral director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. "Well," he said to the wife, "why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?"
"No way," she replied, "He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years to get him to wear a blue suit, so now I can finally have my wish. I don't care what it costs, just find a blue suit for him and put it on the bill."
So, the service comes and goes and the banker looked great in a crisp, blue suit. As the widow is looking over the funeral bill, she notices that the cost of the suit isn't listed anywhere. "Excuse me, but you didn't include the cost of the suit," she tells him.
"Oh, don't worry about it," he replied.
"No, sir, I'm an honest woman and I pay my debts. How much do I owe you?"
"The truth is," he replied, "the same day your husband was brought in, a broker came in wearing a blue suit-"
"*You switched their suits??*" The widow interrupted, disgusted.
"No, no, of course not...we just switched their heads."
Three men are new recruits on captain Blackbeard's ship. They each get to ask 1 question before they start work. The first two ask about sleeping arrangements and food, only to have captain Blackbeard yell back at them out of frustration. The third man asks "Why is the steering wheel attached to your pants?"
"Argh, it drives me nuts!"
Oedipal Arrangements
During the meeting he asked me about funeral arrangements. I told him I was thinking of having an open casket funeral. Remains to be seen.
Daughter:
" Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your cheque book.
Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings good wishes and a big wedding."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay.
Two gay men went to a funeral director to make their final arrangements. "We want to be cremated and have our ashes mixed together." said the men.
The funeral director said "Well we have a fine selection of...umm."
"Urns?" asked the men
"No, fruit jars." said the funeral director.
Apple watch features
2018 : ECG
2019 : Angioplasty
2020 : Bypass Surgery
2021: Funeral arrangements
#AppleEvent
First stop is the creamertorium.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.