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Arranged Marriage Jokes

44 arranged marriage jokes and hilarious arranged marriage puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about arranged marriage that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Arranged Marriage Short Jokes

Short arranged marriage jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The arranged marriage humour may include short arranged jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess So I arranged her marriage with Philip VI of Valois to strengthen the alliance with France.
  2. A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage. English man: How could you marry a woman
    before knowing her?
    Indian man: How could you marry a woman
    AFTER knowing her?
  3. What do you call a surprise party in India? Arranged marriage
    p.s. I'm an Indian living in India.
  4. What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists? The so be it union.
  5. What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other? A so-be-it union.
  6. Indian parents don't usually throw surprise parties for their kids... But when they do, it's called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
  7. Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast? Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.
  8. I always wonder why an arranged marriage isn't called an arraigned marriage... Talk about a life sentence
  9. A proposal was sent for arranged marriage. The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."
    Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do?
  10. I can't marry my girlfriend because I have an arranged marriage coming up It was a previously scheduled engagement.

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Arranged Marriage One Liners

Which arranged marriage one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with arranged marriage? I can suggest the ones about married life and traditional wedding.

  1. Why don't jews have arranged marriage? They have no 'forced kin'.
    I'm so sorry
  2. What fruit has an arranged marriage? A cantaloupe
  3. What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage
  4. Why do Jews not support arranged marriages? Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".
  5. Why are melons stuck in arranged marriages? Because they cantaloupe.
  6. Why did the Composer marry the Musician? It was an arranged marriage.
  7. What's the best way to stop an Indian "arranged marriage" Shuffle the photos around
  8. You know you're an Indian r**... when you have an arranged marriage.... to your cousin.

Howlingly Hilarious Arranged Marriage Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about arranged marriage you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean marriage jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make arranged marriage pranks.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Just write spaghetti

For two years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. He said, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18, and also pay for college. She ......agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back in the message area. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' She gave it to him and then watched as her husband turned white, then fainted after he read the card. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Please send extra sauce!!

Pre-nup.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s**...?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.

"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.

"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Spaghetti

For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Did you know Jesus actually got married after he was resurrected and ascended into heaven?

His dad surprised him with an arranged marriage by having Marry Magdalene crucified as well. It was one of those *nail order brides*.

How do you feel about s**...?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

A couple decided to get married

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s**...?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

I said to my son, "You will be forced into an arranged marriage."

He said no. I replied with, "It is Bill Gates' daughter in law." He said yes.
I called up Bill Gates and said, "Your daughter will marry my son." He said no. I replied with "I am the CEO of the World Bank." He said yes
I called up the world bank and said, "Make me CEO." They said no. I replied with, "Bill Gates is my brother-in-law." They said yes.

Someone asked an Indian girl how she got married?

"I used to work at a pharmacy and my would-be husband came and asked for an XXXXXXL c**....
It was only after the arranged marriage I found out that he has a stutter."

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her father and you need to know that she has acute angina."
To which the future husband replies, "Oh thank the gods, because her face is pretty ugly."

In a British bar,

a discussion about arranged marriages took place as follows:
English gentleman: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?
End of the discussion.

jokes about arranged marriage