Arranged Jokes
59 arranged jokes and hilarious arranged puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about arranged that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article covers the unique humour found in the manuscript of a sombre arranged marriage. Read on to find out how a series of jokes and riddles were included in an envelope to bring laughter to the occasion.
Quick Jump To
- Short Arranged Jokes
- Arranged One Liners
- Arranged Marriage Jokes
- Arranged Alphabetical Jokes
- More Arranged Jokes
Funniest Arranged Short Jokes
Short arranged jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The arranged humour may include short arrangements jokes also.
- I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7. The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
- I told my wife I'm going to arrange the herb in alphabetical order from now on. She said, Where would you find the time? I said, Easy. Right next to the sage.
- My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up It was a diss appointment
- My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It's an extremely rare dish order.
- I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned.
- My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess So I arranged her marriage with Philip VI of Valois to strengthen the alliance with France.
- A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage. English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her? - I arranged a fundraising event for victims of land mines last week. Total waste of time though!! Only half the people turned up.
- I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn't like my critter sizing.
- What do you call a row of women all arranged in order of attractiveness? [oc] A broad spectrum.
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Arranged One Liners
Which arranged one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with arranged? I can suggest the ones about organised and rearrange.
- What's Shia LaBeouf's favorite kind of choral arrangement? DUETS
- An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Chinese man arrange to go camping... k
- What's the best way to arrange caviar? In a roe
- My wife arranged the plates by color and size... It's a rare dish order
- Why don't jews have arranged marriage? They have no 'forced kin'.
I'm so sorry - What do you call re-arranging the layout of your network? LANscaping.
- Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher? They are flexible.
- What fruit has an arranged marriage? A cantaloupe
- What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage
- Why do Jews not support arranged marriages? Because the Torah doesn't allow "force kin".
- Why are melons stuck in arranged marriages? Because they cantaloupe.
- What do you call a business that sends MILFs to your house? Oedipal Arrangements
- Why did the Composer marry the Musician? It was an arranged marriage.
- Menacing Florists: That can be arranged.
- If I could re arrange the alphabet.... I'd put the D in U
Arranged Marriage Jokes
Here is a list of funny arranged marriage jokes and even better arranged marriage puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a surprise party in India? Arranged marriage
p.s. I'm an Indian living in India. - What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists? The so be it union.
- What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other? A so-be-it union.
- Indian parents don't usually throw surprise parties for their kids... But when they do, it's called an ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
- Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast? Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.
- I always wonder why an arranged marriage isn't called an arraigned marriage... Talk about a life sentence
- A proposal was sent for arranged marriage. The girl's parents said "we don't like your son."
Guy's parents: we don't like him either, but what can we do? - What's the best way to stop an Indian "arranged marriage" Shuffle the photos around
- I can't marry my girlfriend because I have an arranged marriage coming up It was a previously scheduled engagement.
- A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"
Arranged Alphabetical Jokes
Here is a list of funny arranged alphabetical jokes and even better arranged alphabetical puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tag line outside a Breast Implant Clinic: If nature has given you "lemons"
we will re-arrange the alphabets & convert them into "melons" !!
Delightful Fun Arranged Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about arranged you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean designed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make arranged pranks.
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into s**... position
Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.
God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and h**....
"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."
"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Making the arrangements for my wife's f**... is tough
She keeps asking what I'm doing
Back in the USSR
In the days of state control, a Russian man saved and saved and saved until he finally had enough money to buy a car.
He took the bus to the state car agency to arrange the purchase.
After an hour of filling in paperwork, he handed over the money and asked when he could pick it up.
The agent looked at a book and replied "exactly one year from today."
The man thought for a minute and asked "morning or afternoon"?
The agent, surprised, said "morning or afternoon! It's next year. What difference does it make?"
The man replied "The plumber is coming in the morning..."
A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.
One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."
Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."
The third guy said, "You're not gonna believe this but I had a business and it was destroyed by a flood and I was able to retire here with the insurance settlement."
After a pause, the first guy asked the third guy, "So who do you call to arrange a flood?"
I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a s**... suggestive way
Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".
A husband was in big trouble...
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
f**... arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Nescafe and the Pope
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."
A man walks up to a bar...
... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5
Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The o**... was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another o**.... As Billy began to play, the o**... also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another o**... for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.
At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.
"The cause of death appears to be multiple o**... failure."
Last Request
Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, 'Do you have a last request?'
The convict says, 'Yes, I'd like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.'The Warden says, 'OK, I think we can arrange that.' Then he says to the second convict, 'How about you?' The second convict says, 'Yeah, kill me first.'
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
I arranged a t**... on the weekend.
Had two no shows, but I still had fun
A boy works up the courage to ask the girl he likes on a date
The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.
The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."
The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.
They go out to dinner and the girl orders a steak while the boy eats an arrangement of insects he brought from home.
In the parking lot after dinner the two lock eyes, lean in, and slowly kiss each other. After the kiss the girls eyes are lit up with magic and she asks the boy how their first kiss felt.
The boy replies "I've got butterflies in my stomach."
How do you feel about s**...?
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about s**...?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
Talented Octopus
A man walks into a bar with and octopus under his arms. He then stands up on the bar and shouts for everyone inside to hear. "I will bet anyone here 200 dollars that this octopus can play any instrument you give it". Everyone is a buzz and the bartender hands him a guitar that was hanging on the wall. The Octopus takes the guitar and strums on it with great enthusiasm and plays a beautiful arrangement. Another man pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and again, the octopus plays it superbly. A jazz band hands him all of there instruments and the octopus plays them all with amazing skill. Then, a Scottish man wearing a kilt comes up to the octopus and hands it his bagpipes. The octopus, looks at it confusingly then begins to fumble with the instrument. "Ay, you can't play er, can ye" The Scotsman says with a thick accent. The octopus responds "Play her? I'm going to screw her as soon as I get these pajamas off"
A blonde calls her boyfriend...
One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.
"Hey Babe!"
"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."
The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.
He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."
A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.
When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.
-Let me have a look, the angel says.
After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:
-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
The bride asks:
-What if we cannot get along and want to divorce, can you arrange that too?
The angel roars in rage:
-IT TOOK ME 4 MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST IN HERE, HOW MANY MORE DO I NEED TO FIND A LAWYER DO YOU THINK?
When he dies my dad's arranged to be liquidized.
He won't go to any f**... he can't get drunk at.
It was my dad's f**... last week.
We all walk into the chapel and there's a huge floral arrangement on the coffin that says: 81.131.11.216
My mother hisses to me, What is *that*?
I shrugged. What you asked for: our IP in flowers.
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
My girlfriend wouldn't let me play orchestral music during s**......
We eventually came to an arrangement.
