The Best 20 Army Officer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Army Officer jokes. There are some army officer lieutenant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these army officer troops puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Army Officer Jokes and Puns

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

When I came out as gay in the army, my supervising officer discharged me immediately.

Then I discharged him, then he discharged me again

Borrow a dollar

An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.

"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

They helped.


A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."

"I know..."

"Then what's the problem if I do it?"

"Because I already sold the other half."

A man in the army walks up to the General's office...

A man in the army walks up to the General's office and knocks. The General says "Come in". The man enters the office, salutes at the General, and says "Sir, I'd like you to demote me from my rank, all the soldiers make fun of me!"

"Sorry, but demotion is not something we carry out in the army, Major Failure"

When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt.

I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.

The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.

"How do you say civilians?"

"Acceptable casualties."

a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "You know what to do. Kill!"
The marines all charge towards the enemy and end up over run and dead.

Air Force General looks at his men, "Fellas, it's time for an attack."
The airmen go into their barracks and wake up the officers to get ready for wheels up in 5.

You can explore army officer officers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean army officer forces dad jokes. There are also army officer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Australian in the US army

A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.

Officer: did you come here to die!!!

Private: no sir I came here yesterday.


(Must say in Australian accent.)

Hitler gave his orders

...and his army set off. They spent all day attacking and capturing the Jews. After 4 camps were filled, they returned to Hitler's base. He closed the door and completely went off on his officers. "Damnit!" he roared. "I said I wanted concentrated juice, not concentrated Jews!"

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

Before an army officer can get married,

they need to know the rules of engagement.

If you're in the army and your commanding officer comes up to you when you're near your camping equipment, what do you do?

Kill yourself.

Or, y'know, stand at atTENTion.

An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops.

"Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"

"You said to send Gren aid."

The army officer was waiting for his commander

..so he asked him for the bill.
_serve and protect_

Why did Mr. H. Macy, Forte & Hung never join the army?

The officers kept ordering the troops to fire at will.


The second career

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job,
but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Army.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the army officer infantry jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working army officer military piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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