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Army Navy Jokes

32 army navy jokes and hilarious army navy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about army navy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Army Navy Short Jokes

Short army navy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The army navy humour may include short navy jokes also.

  1. In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
  2. In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys? - With a crowbar.
    And What's the worst thing in a woman?
    - A Marine
  3. My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.
  4. Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500 I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
  5. When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
  6. Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.) And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space b**..." from here on out.

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Army Navy One Liners

Which army navy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with army navy? I can suggest the ones about army air force and in the navy.

  1. If the Army has chaplains, what does the Navy have? Ship monks.
  2. Navy football Go army!
  3. What is an army of blue babies on horseback called? A navy infantry cavalry

Hilarious Fun Army Navy Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about army navy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean army jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make army navy pranks.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

officer Training School

Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

Can I buy the building?

The reason why the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."
After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."
Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."
Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."
Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

A navy and army soldier walk into the toilet

They both take a p**... into the u**.... As they exit, the army man goes toward the sinks to wash his hands, while the navy man goes straight for the door.

The army man says: "In the army, they taught us to wash our hands after peeing!"

to which the navy man replies: "In the navy, they taught us not to pee all over our hands!"

Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.
Navy Admiral turns to his s**..., "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.
Marine General turn to his men all c**..., "You know what to do. Kill!"
The marines all charge towards the enemy and end up over run and dead.
Air Force General looks at his men, "Fellas, it's time for an attack."
The airmen go into their barracks and wake up the officers to get ready for wheels up in 5.

An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.
On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"
The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

After spending 90 days in the Persian Gulf, a sailor goes to complain to his master chief.

"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." The master chief replies, "Sailor, the Earth is 75 percent water. The navy showed you that, if you want to see the other 25 percent, join the army."

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "

Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

When asked to secure the building, the different branches of the military all took unique approachs.

The Army set up a defensive perimeter. Surrounding the building with 50cal implacements, tanks, sandbags, barbed wire and strategically placed snipers.
The SAS approached under the cover of night and stormed the building with a hard and fast two pronged ground and air assault.
The Navy ensured the lights the were out and the doors were locked.
And...
The airforce took out a 3 year lease with an option to buy.

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to
If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.
If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch
If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

What time is it?

In some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Air Traffic Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**
Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"
* THE ARMY will go in k**... down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny'

s class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."
So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."
By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."