Army Jokes

Following is our collection of marines humor and frontline one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Army puns for adults, dirty sergeants jokes or clean navy gags for kids.

There is an abundance of lieutenants jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on army. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any battalion witze you can hear about army.

The Best jokes about Army

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege


In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?

They only had 2 vans

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)


"How many volunteers do we have for the army?"

"384 sir"

"okay round them up"

"400 sir"

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?

they only had one pickup

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry.

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"


What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?

An army.

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

A drill sergeant and his cadet..

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day.

He was a really nice guy.

Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

What's the best way to serve Turkey?

Join the Turkish Army.

I was kicked out of the army when they caught me masturbating.

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.



I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Why does no one like the swiss army?

Because they are all a bunch of tools.

What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?

One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence.

The other is an Iraqi Army base.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

It would suck to be named Will in the army.

"Fire at Will"

My other brother-in-law died.

He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
Hitler's not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

They helped.

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...

Multi-porpoise!

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"

Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.

Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

I asked my dad if he was ever shot in the army.

He replied: "No, but I've been shot in the leggy."

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.

The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.

The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

My grandfather was a baker in the army...

...he went in all buns glazing.

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

I was a baker when I was in the army.

When I went to war, I went in all buns glazing.

a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house

This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate

One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What's that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent

Captain: it's so hard! How do you do it?

Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are.

What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?

You turn off the carousel.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

β€”Henny Youngman

1916 in France

The germans and the french sat in their trenches. The german army suffered from great losses, so the german general had to come up with a plan. Because he couldn't find a solution for their problems he decided to ask his soldiers. Only one had an idea.

'We should find out the most common french name, shout it over no mans land and kill whoever is stupid enough to react to it.'

Since it was the only idea, the german general gave the order to find the most common french name and use this information to kill as many french soldiers as possible. One of his officers discovered that the most common french name was Pierre.

The germans tried this tactic and, surprisingly, many french soldiers were stupid enough to stick their head out of the trench when they heard their name.

Over the next couple of weeks the french lost uncounted men to the german tactic so they decided to copy it. They assumed the most common german name must be Hans. Their first attempt to try this tactic went as followed:

French soldier: 'Hans!'

No reaction

French soldier: 'Hey, Hans!'

German soldier: 'Hans is away!'

French soldier: 'Where is he?'

German soldier: 'Shitting! Is that you, Pierre?'

And the french soldier stuck his head out of the trench

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fell out of the sky and knocked out her new puppy. Later they come across a little boy who is also crying. They ask him what's wrong and he says a bag fell from the sky and knocked out his new kitten. Then they come across a little girl who's laughing really hard. They ask her what's so funny and she says "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"ο»Ώ

What do Pavlov's dogs call storefront bell-ringers?

The Salivation Army.

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'

What's the motto of the Greek army?

Never leave your buddy's behind.

The wire brush

One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:

During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

"Gonorrhea, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"

"The wire brush, Sir!"

"What is your fondest desire?"

"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"

The general then turns to another soldier.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"

"The wire brush, Sir!"

"What is your fondest desire?"

"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"

The general then turns to a third soldier.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"

(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"

"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"

(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."

William Hated His Time in the Army

He was always worried for his life when they yelled Fire at Will!

It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."

A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."

He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"

The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said
"Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next.

The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said
"Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.

They got to the final general, who promptly said
"I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut"
The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut"

The general said with a big smile on his face:
"I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"

Three Army Lieutenants have to cross a river for infantry training.

The first one prays to God and says "Lord give me the strength to cross this river." There is a flash of light and he is granted stronger arms to swim.

The second one says "Lord give me the endurance to cross this river." Another flash of light and he is granted strong lungs to help him swim.

The third one says "Lord, remove this obstacle from my path." There is a flash of light and the young lieutenant turns into a woman. Crossing a Water Obstacle is no longer part of her test and she is applauded by the media for being so strong and independent. She has a loyal group of male followers who dote on her every day and she lives happily ever after.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?

I heard he was diploid.

(I'll show myself out...)

When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit.

But by the end I was a seasoned veteran

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

The time Newfoundland went to war with Quebec

One time Newfoundland and Quebec went to war. A Newfie, being patriotic, signed up to fight and went into basic training. Now, Newfoundland was a poor province and the army didn't have enough guns so the guys was told to just pretend to have gun and shout "bang, bang".

Eventually he finished training and his unit was deployed. He still didn't have a gun so when they went up against the Quebeckers he did the only thing he knew, he pretended he had a gun and went "Bang, bang." Amazingly, when he did this the Quebeckers he was aiming at would fall down. So he kept going "Bang, bang" and was very effective as a soldier. He was a good shot.

Then, he looked up and saw a big Quebecker coming down the hill towards him. So he aimed and went "Bang, bang". The guy kept coming. "Bang, bang" - no effect. "Bang, bang" - no effect.

Eventually the Qiuebecker ran right over him and continued down the hill going "Tankity, tankity, tankity".

I can't find the army base, so I've typed the address into my GPS.

Apparently I need to go left, left, left, right, left.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes