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Army Jokes

184 army jokes and hilarious army puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about army that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with this collection of the best army jokes! From army jokes about the marines to army jokes about the navy, get ready to chuckle at these funny military jokes. Gather up the platoon and hear these hilarious jokes about armies!

Funniest Army Short Jokes

Short army jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The army humour may include short armed forces jokes also.

  1. Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world... ... It turns out it's only the second best army in ukraine.
  2. King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege

    king: Ok, round them up
    Squire: 400 my liege
  3. In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
  4. My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s. Back then they called it the US Army.
  5. When I came out as gay in the army, my supervising officer discharged me immediately. Then I discharged him, then he discharged me again
  6. Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup
  7. My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people. He's a terrible nurse.
  8. 2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight, then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......
  9. I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was. He said, "It's Private."
    I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
  10. During the course of a couple of weeks, Russia went from the 2nd stongest army in the world ... ... to the 2nd strongest army in Ukraine.

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Army One Liners

Which army one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with army? I can suggest the ones about soldier and military.

  1. Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...
  2. I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army They called me loo tenant
  3. Where does Obama keep his armies? In the Baracks.
  4. Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
  5. "How many volunteers do we have for the army?" "384 sir"
    "okay round them up"
    "400 sir"
  6. What do you call an army of babies? An infantry.
  7. What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands? He became an army man.
  8. Why does the army need people under the age of 5? For the Infantry
  9. What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.
  10. What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper? A seasoned veteran
  11. I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day. He was a really nice guy.
  12. Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will? They were all fired at.
  13. What's the best way to serve Turkey? Join the turkish Army.
  14. Why does no one like the swiss army? Because they are all a bunch of tools.
  15. Old McDonald's son joined the Army G-I-G-I-Joe

Us Army Jokes

Here is a list of funny us army jokes and even better us army puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army. Even though he was a colonel he didn't want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.
  • How many US Army personnel does it take to change a lightbulb? [CLASSIFIED]
  • What is the difference between the US Army and US schools? They both get shot at but only the Army gets to shoot back
  • Two marines are flying into an unfamiliar airport The put the flaps up and descend lower, lower, lower and finally touch down. The brakes of the plane screeches and howl unlike anything you've ever heard. The plane comes to a stop just inches from the terminal. The pilot exlaims "that's the shortest d**... runway I've ever seen". The co-pilot looks to the left, then looks to the right and says "Yea, but it sure is wide"
  • Australian in the US army A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.
    Officer: did you come here to die!!!
    Private: no sir I came here yesterday.
    (Must say in Australian accent.)
  • How far away is the US Army's website? Just a few klicks away.
  • The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed. The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."
  • I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen.... .....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
    'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
  • NASA just announced discovery of oil on Mars Humans* are finally going to Mars
    * US Army
  • Will was killed during his first battle with the US army His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: "Fire at Will!"

Army Navy Jokes

Here is a list of funny army navy jokes and even better army navy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys? - With a crowbar.
    And What's the worst thing in a woman?
    - A Marine
  • My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.
  • Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500 I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
  • If the Army has chaplains, what does the Navy have? Ship monks.
  • Navy football Go army!
  • What is an army of blue babies on horseback called? A navy infantry cavalry
  • When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
  • Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.) And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space b**..." from here on out.
Army joke, Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

Army Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny army officer jokes and even better army officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
  • Before an army officer can get married, they need to know the rules of engagement.
  • If you're in the army and your commanding officer comes up to you when you're near your camping equipment, what do you do? Kill yourself.
    Or, y'know, stand at atTENTion.
  • An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops. "Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
    "You said to send Gren aid."
  • The army officer was waiting for his commander ..so he asked him for the bill.
    _serve and protect_
  • Why did Mr. H. Macy, Forte & Hung never join the army? The officers kept ordering the troops to fire at will.
  • What was the name of the gay Army officer? Major Bumsore.
  • A prospective army man walks into a recruitment office without pants. "Is there a draft in here?"
  • What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking w**...? Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

Army Recruiter Jokes

Here is a list of funny army recruiter jokes and even better army recruiter puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad? He wanted to say he had large privates.
  • When I joined the army to fight the cannibals, I was a fresh recruit. But by the end I was a seasoned veteran
  • A recruiter asks an octopus if he wants to join the Army The octopus says no thanks I'm army enough as it is.
  • The Army now has an entire platoon of female-to male and male-to-female recruits. It's a complete trans formation.
  • Apparently the army is actively recruiting strippers. They are experts on setting up booby traps.
  • What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive? Jew-Jitsu.
  • Why was the army recruiter in the nursery? To find more people for the infantry!
    I'm sorry.
  • The Catholic Church has decided to recruit an army of the faithful They're going to use Mass Conscription.
  • Recruiter: "You should join the army" Octopus: " Buddy I'm army enough as it is "
  • Why did the Sergeant of the new army recruits, regret buying his own leg insurance? Because it doesn't cover damage to the private's parts.
Army joke, Why did the Sergeant of the new army recruits, regret buying his own leg insurance?

Comical Army Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about army you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean troops jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make army pranks.

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

What's the motto of the Greek army?

Never leave your buddy's behind.

A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...

Multi-porpoise!

French Joke

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Where does the army keep fish?

In a tank.

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
h**...'s not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.


I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

g**... in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?

You turn off the carousel.

A drill sergeant and his cadet..

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

What do Pavlov's dogs call storefront bell-ringers?

The Salivation Army.

A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.

What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?

One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence.
The other is an Iraqi Army base.

So the French army has recently installed rearview mirrors to their tanks.

That way, they can watch the fighting!

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

Guy joins the Army...

... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

I was a baker when I was in the army.

When I went to war, I went in all buns glazing.

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?

I heard he was diploid.
(I'll show myself out...)

I haven't had s**... since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

My army buddy was jerking off one night.

He was discharged by dawn.

What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infantry.

It would s**... to be named Will in the army.

"Fire at Will"

My other brother-in-law died.

He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A father came home from war...

His son was overjoyed to see him.
Running up to him, the son asks, "Dad! Did you get shot in the Army?"
The father, with a weary look on his face, looks down at his beloved son and says, "No son, I got shot in the legy."

My grandfather was a baker in the army...

...he went in all buns glazing.

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.

A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"

The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."

Why is it easy to defeat an army of s**... b**...?

There are no experienced ones

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list

A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

My hairline is like the French Army...

It's been ordered not to retreat, but nature is taking its course anyway

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

I can't find the army base, so I've typed the address into my GPS.

Apparently I need to go left, left, left, right, left.

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"

I was kicked out of the army when they caught me m**....

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Boy asks his father...

"Dad, did you get injured in the army?"
Dad replies, "No son, I got injured in the leggy".

William Hated His Time in the Army

He was always worried for his life when they yelled Fire at Will!

I asked my dad if he was ever shot in the army.

He replied: "No, but I've been shot in the leggy."

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents
One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house
This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate
One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don't celebrate Christmas

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?
B flat.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?
An episode of Top Gear.

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

If gay men were allowed in the army back in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be a lot shorter...

Because there is no way it would take 3 hours for a group of gay men to find Matt Damon.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What do you call a s**... in the red army?

A Marxman

Army joke, What do you call a s**... in the red army?

jokes about army