Comical Army Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
"That's not it."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins...
Multi-porpoise!
One soldier
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
Everyone thinks..
Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
h**...'s not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day.
He was a really nice guy.
When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
You can explore army marines reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean army sergeants dad jokes. There are also army puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?
they only had one pickup
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans
The captain and the p**...
A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
A drill sergeant and his cadet..
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Why does no one like the swiss army?
Because they are all a bunch of tools.
A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
"How many volunteers do we have for the army?"
"384 sir"
"okay round them up"
"400 sir"
What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?
One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence.
The other is an Iraqi Army base.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea
It was a dishonorable discharge
Guy joins the Army...
... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"
"That's right" replies the German teacher.
What's the best way to serve Turkey?
Join the Turkish Army.
It would s**... to be named Will in the army.
"Fire at Will"
My other brother-in-law died.
He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Army Wargames
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege
king: Ok, round them up
Squire: 400 my liege
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.
There was a father and son..
The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"
Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?
To minimize casual tees...
A telecoms engineer joins the army...
On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger clean off and shouts back:- "It's leaving here ok - the problem must be at your end!"
I was kicked out of the army when they caught me m**....
They said it was a dishonorable discharge.
What do you call an army of babies?
An infantry.
Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?
They were all fired at.
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?
He wanted to say he had large privates.
I asked my dad if he was ever shot in the army.
He replied: "No, but I've been shot in the leggy."
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?
B flat.
What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?
An episode of Top Gear.
When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.
I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.
High command asked a new recruit:
"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"
When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.
"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace.
"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.
I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one
Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship
In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.
He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private."
I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
Old McDonald's son joined the Army
G-I-G-I-Joe
2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,
then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......
My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.
Back then they called it the US Army.
Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.
It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.
My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.
He's a terrible nurse.
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...
It's called "The Salivation Army"
What's the only job where you get to shave your privates at work?
Army barber
2 men discussing why they joined the army....
"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?
A seasoned veteran
A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
A little boy runs up to his father with a question.
"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"
The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."
"...but I did get shot in the leggy."
Why does the army need people under the age of 5?
For the Infantry
Borrow a dollar
An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.
"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
In the Irish army there is a s**... famous for eliminating targets by bouncing his shots off of rocks and other hard surfaces
His name is Rick O'Shea
Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?
Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.
During the course of a couple of weeks, Russia went from the 2nd stongest army in the world ...
... to the 2nd strongest army in Ukraine.
Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...
... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.
I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army
They called me loo tenant
When I came out as gay in the army, my supervising officer discharged me immediately.
Then I discharged him, then he discharged me again
My daughter just walked into the living room and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother. Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Lakers"
What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?
He became an army man.
A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran
A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.
The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, ¡Muchas gracias, señor!
Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll p**... on my grave"
And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"
Well now that the BTS boys are going to the army i guess they'll come back with
BTSD
officer Training School
Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.
A s**... Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have s**... ?
Colonel:1955.
She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?
The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!
Where does the Colonel keep his army?
Up his sleevey
I'm in an army of even numbers
It's a battle against the odds
Why does the French army surrender so quickly?
They have nothing Toulouse.
Why did the Alphabet Army lose the war?
They just didn't have the numbers.
After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen
But alas, she was not very happy.
What is wrong, my love?
It's nothing.
Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you're not happy. He pleaded.
It's nothing.
I'm pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Achiles himself to see that smile again! Please, for the love of Zeus, why are you sad?
Well, it's just…
Yes? What is it?
If you must know…
Yes? Yes? He asked, encouraging her.
I only count 999 ships.
