arms Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious arms puns

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

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A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

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I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs.

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What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

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I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

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A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

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"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

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A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

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A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"

His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."

The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"

His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

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Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

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A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

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New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

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I walked into my roommate's bedroom and saw him hanging from a rope

On the floor he had left a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

Laying in my arms, his eyes slowly opening, I said:

"You spelled criticism wrong."

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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"

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A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident

He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

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My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

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A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

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A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

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You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?



Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

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TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-Uzi from the Arms Store...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

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A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs.
He says Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away.
She says, What makes you think you are so great in bed?

He smiles and says how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?

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I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

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What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?

Whatever you want

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The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

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A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

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Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

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What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs, and an eyepatch?

Names

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

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I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

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What are the most funny Arms jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Arms? Well, here are the best Arms dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Arms pick up lines to share with friends.

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