Arms Jokes

Following is our collection of armless humor and perch one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arms puns for adults, dirty arm jokes or clean no arms and legs gags for kids.

There is an abundance of torso jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on arms. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any firearm witze you can hear about arms.

The Best jokes about Arms

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs.


The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Happy Mother's Day!

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer.

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."


A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"

His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."

The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"

His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.


A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident

He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...

Completely pale, no arms.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"

The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

You are what you think you are

Her: What do you do?

Me: Global prosthetics distribution.

Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?



Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.

TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-Uzi from the Arms Store...

Whoops, wrong sub.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?

Whatever you want

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.

As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Three little old ladies were on a bench when a naked man walked by

The first little old lady... Had a stroke

The second little old lady... Had a stroke

But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ?

A liar

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.

After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.

Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.

St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.

The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!

St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...

When he drove, people prayed.

Shout out to my arms for always being by my side...

& my legs for being there every step of the way

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're stupid!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're stupid?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg

He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I?

A liar

Do you know how the blonde broke her arms?

She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes