Humorous Arms Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."
"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"
"Because my arms are getting tired."
Where did sally go when the bomb went off?
- everywhere.
Why did sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms..
Knock knock..
Whose there?
-not sally.
What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?
Whatever you want
TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-u**... from the Arms Store...
Whoops, wrong sub.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
Funniest thing my gf has ever said
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
You are what you think you are
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
You can explore arms armless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean arms arm dad jokes. There are also arms puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A boy walks in on his dad m**......
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I would like to thank my arms
For always being by my side
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them
"The neighbors hate us."
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?
Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate
He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"
I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.
He's a small arms dealer.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: Cancer.
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...
Completely pale, no arms.
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer.
I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me
My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
A kid asks his mom:
- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.
One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"
The other boy said, "How?"
"Tell people you know their secret"
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Happy Mother's Day!
Three little old ladies were on a bench when a n**... man walked by
The first little old lady... Had a s**...
The second little old lady... Had a s**...
But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
A husband died
A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .
Awwww
If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings
The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
"Mom what's dark humor?"
"Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"
"But mom I'm blind..."
"Exactly!"
Did you know "T-shirt" is short for "tyrannosaurus shirt".....
because they have short arms?
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt...
Because of the short arms
The neighbors hate us.
"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career
He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job security.
"I'm as surprised as you are," wrote the vampire. "It was not a job I could see myself doing."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?
Bob.
How to increase your strength
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
—Beverly g**...
Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?
His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
I just flew in from a Ravioli convention.
Boyardees arms tired.
I just flew back from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.
Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
There was a guy in a hospital, and finally woke up.
The guy said, d**... i cant feel my legs. The doctor said to him, well thats because we amputated your arms.
My girlfriend looks like a Roman Goddess..
Pale, No arms.
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.
*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident
He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."
My cat is very fat
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet. "My cat is very fat, she says. "Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him." The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears. Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down." "Oh no! Because he's so fat?" "Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed
I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms
(Yes, this is actually happening)
Agatha Christie
Agatha Christie would write one mystery novel after another without pause until her arms ached.
She was diagnosed with Marple tunnel syndrome.
Sherlock Holmes returned to 221B Baker Street
He was carrying a box of lemons in his arms.
When Doctor Watson saw the box, he asked "Well where did those come from?"
And Holmes answered "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
Ego and superego walk into a bar
Bartender folds his arms and says I'm gonna need to see some id
Some say...
Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.
