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Arms Jokes

173 arms jokes and hilarious arms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about arms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? This article has arms jokes galore! From no arms to big arms, and even small and long arms, if you're looking for some laughter, come read these jokes about people with an abundance, or lack, of arms. Here you'll find jokes about Sally No Arms, T-Rex arms and more! Get ready to chuckle at these silly limbless and armless jokes!

Funniest Arms Short Jokes

Short arms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The arms humour may include short armed jokes also.

  1. The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
    Happy Mothers' Day!
  2. The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
  3. My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
    (True story, please groan with me.)
  4. The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Happy Mother's Day!
  5. Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
  6. Where did sally go when the bomb went off? - everywhere.
    Why did sally fall off the swing?
    She had no arms..
    Knock knock..
    Whose there?
    -not sally.
  7. A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
    The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
  8. My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a greek statue... Completely pale, no arms.
  9. Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He's dead.
  10. A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

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Arms One Liners

Which arms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with arms? I can suggest the ones about armor and legs.

  1. If We're Going to Arm the Teachers All I ask is that the librarians get silencers
  2. Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
  3. I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
  4. I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms leg.
  5. What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
  6. EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
  7. I have a T-Rex who sells me guns. He's a small arms dealer.
  8. A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
  9. What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
  10. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea? Bob.
  11. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
  12. What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A happy pitbull
  13. I just flew in from a Ravioli convention. Boyardees arms tired.
  14. T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt... Because of the short arms
  15. What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate? a Partial artist

No Arms No Legs Jokes

Here is a list of funny no arms no legs jokes and even better no arms no legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.
  • Awwww If you watch Jaws backwards it is a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.
  • Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.
  • Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs? A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.
  • I would like to thank my arms For always being by my side
    I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me
    And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them
  • What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.
  • I have 3 eyes, 5 legs and 6 arms, what am I ? A liar
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
  • Shout out to my arms for always being by my side... & my legs for being there every step of the way
  • A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
    "We had to amputate your arms"

No Legs No Arms Jokes

Here is a list of funny no legs no arms jokes and even better no legs no arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg
    ^^
  • A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs! The doctor replies I know, I amputated your arms.
  • I saw a guy at an ATM with no arms, and a peg leg He asked if I would help him check his balance... so I pushed him over
  • I have 2 heads, 5 arms, 372 legs, and 6684324 eyes. What am I? A liar
  • Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  • If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!
  • I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.
  • What do you call the boy with no legs and no arms? Names.
  • What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
  • What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads? A person on a horse holding a chicken.
Arms joke, What has eight legs, two arms, two wings, and three heads?

No Arms And Legs Jokes

Here is a list of funny no arms and legs jokes and even better no arms and legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes? A beginner
  • Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski? Skip.
  • What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs? A headbanger
  • What has four legs and one arm? An attack dog in an elementary school.
  • The hitchhiker A guy with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is hitchhiking. Suddenly a nice English gent pulls over and says "eye, eye, eye, you look 'armless, hop in."
  • Ordered some Christmas presents online the other day and used my donor card instead of my debit card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
  • My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg. Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.
  • I tried joining the American Paralympics team didn't make it in though. entry costs an arm and a leg.
  • Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
    A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
  • What has 4 arms and 4 legs and never works out? Marriage

Small Arms Jokes

Here is a list of funny small arms jokes and even better small arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why was the Tyrannosaurus rex selling handguns? Because he was a small arms dealer.
  • "Where'd you get that gun?" "This? I got it from T-Rex"
    "T-Rex?"
    "Yeah he's a small arms dealer nearby"
  • What kinds of guns do T-Rex's prefer? ...mainly SMALL ARMS.
  • What is the job of a T-Rex? A small arms dealer.
  • Why was the T-Rex selling handguns? He was a small arms dealer.
  • What do you call a T-Rex that works in a casino? A small arms dealer!
  • Names T Rex and I can meet your needs for handheld weaponry​... I'm kind of a big deal in the small arms trade
  • I sell prosthetics to midgets who are amputees... I'm a small arms dealer.
  • What do you call someone who sells prosthesis to kids? Small arms dealer.
  • I sell prosthetics for children... I'm a small arms dealer

No Arms Jokes

Here is a list of funny no arms jokes and even better no arms puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
  • You are what you think you are Her: What do you do?
    Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
    Her: So you're an artificial limb salesman?
    Me: I prefer 'international arms dealer'.
  • Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.
  • Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
  • What do you call an Italian with a broken arm? Speech impaired.
  • What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms? Whatever you want
  • "Mom what's dark humor?" "Do you see that guy over there without arms? Ask him to clap his hand"
    "But mom I'm blind..."
    "Exactly!"
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
    "and how about one for the road?"
  • What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
  • A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
Arms joke, A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

Humorous Arms Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about arms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hands jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make arms pranks.

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down
I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

After 3 failed marriages, an old woman decides to try an online dating site..

She sets up an account with all her info and says she is looking for "a man who will not beat me, Will not walk all over me, and is great in bed." After 2 weeks no one has replied. Then, one day some one rings the doorbell. The woman gets up and opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs sitting there. He says "Hello, I'm here about your online dating profile." the woman says to him, "well I want a man who won't beat me.." the man says "I have no arms, therefore I can not beat you." the woman says "well I want a man who won't walk all over me." the man replies "I have no legs, so I can't even walk." the woman says "well, I want a man who's great in bed.." the man replies "hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

Mom takes her sick daughter to the doctor.

The doctor asks the girl, "How old are you?"
Girl: "I will be 7 in two days."
Doctor: "Aww, look how optimistic we are."
--------------------------------------------------------
Totally unrelated joke
Son: "Dad, can I cross the street when the red light for pedestrians is on?"
Dad: "Yes, but make sure your arms are up in the air over your head."
Son: "Why is that?"
Dad: "Because it will be easier to t**... shirt in the morgue".

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

I try to tell this joke in english :]

There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)

Three statisticians are bow hunting in the woods and see a deer...

The first shoots his arrow and misses to the right by three feet.
The second shoots and misses three feet to the left.
The third throws up his arms and yells, "We got him!"

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"
"Because my arms are getting tired."

TIFU by buying an MP5K instead of a Mini-u**... from the Arms Store...

Whoops, wrong sub.

A widow puts out an ad for a man...

She put out an ad for a man that would not beat her, not run away, and could satisfy her s**.... A few days later the doorbell rings. And in the doorway is a man with no arms or legs. He told her he was there to answer her ad, and she asked him why he thought he fit the criteria.
"Well, I have no arms so I will never beat you. I have no legs so I can't run from you."
"How do you suppose that you can satisfy me s**...," she asked with a puzzled face.
"Well, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

I just flew in from the gender neutrality conference....

And boy or girl are my arms tired

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, s**... little arms can't reach anything

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

A boy walks in on his dad m**......

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.

She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!

Johnny

A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're s**...!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're s**...?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.

"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"
-- "Yes, I'm alive."
"Did you break your legs?"
-- "No, my legs are fine."
"Did you break your arms?
-- "No, they're OK."
"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"
-- "I can't."
"Why not?"
-- "I'm still falling."

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Do you know how the blonde broke her arms?

She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

UGH I was just forced to watch a s**... commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

A blonde student catches her teacher at his desk after class

She puts her arms on his desk and pouts saying "this class is hard, I would do anything to get a good grade on the final. Anything."
He leans in close and says "Anything? Anything at all? Would you.... Study?"

Literally the guy you asked for

A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?

Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?

Because they have the right to bare arms

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

I bought a new deodorant yesterday.

The instructions say "Remove cap and push up bottom." Wouldn't it be better to put it under your arms?

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A husband died

A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven

The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"
"Tell people you know their secret"
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15"
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

Three little old ladies were on a bench when a n**... man walked by

The first little old lady... Had a s**...
The second little old lady... Had a s**...
But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.
As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

What did the kid with no arms get for christmas?

Gloves.
Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Did you know "T-shirt" is short for "tyrannosaurus shirt".....

because they have short arms?

Why do Americans wear sleeveless t-shirts?

Because they have the right to bare arms

Speaking of a big fat b**...!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast s**.... After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.
"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

Arms joke, A blonde is in a swimming competition.

jokes about arms