Armor Jokes

Following is our collection of squire humor and merlin one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Armor puns for adults, dirty lancelot jokes or clean combat gags for kids.

There is an abundance of guinevere jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 42 funniest jokes on armor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any samurai witze you can hear about armor.

The Best jokes about Armor

Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.

Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

Why is leather armor the best for being stealthy?

It's made of hide.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

I keep having this recurring dream about a horse wearing a suit of armor

Actually, it may be more of a knight mare.

Did you hear about the guy from Prague wearing armor?

The Czech's in the mail.

Why is leather armor great for sneaking?

It's made of hide.

Battle of the kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Gay men make sure you're using protection

You know: body armor, pepper spray, concealed carry-hand gun, first-aid kit, maybe a flare gun too.

What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight's new armor?

You've got mail

Why do Chinese knights have a low rate of survival?

They all have chinks in their armor.

If you're starting a stealth build in skyrim

Make sure to use leather armor, because it's made of hide.

I had a dream about a horse in a suit of armor.

Pretty sure it was a knightmare.

the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor?

Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there! Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"

He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war. I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad. My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."

I said, "Oh wow, you're a true hero Sergeant...."

He said, "Thanks, but you don't have to call me Sergeant anymore, now it's just Bob."

What is the strongest part of Batman's armor?

The plot.

God allows animals to ask him one question...

The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.

The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.

The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explain! You make the hole bigger or the egg smaller.

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend over to show it to her.
The friend saw it and said, "Wow this is really great! But I have just one question, why was this painted mostly in red?"
"Well I used my menstrual blood to paint most of it." The painter replied. Her friend just stared at her in horror. She continued to explain, "Its a period piece you see."

Why are Samurai so easy to kill?

There are only chinks in the armor

Why do thieves and rogues use leather armor?

Because it's made of hide.

What do you call Iron Man without his armor?

Stark naked.

A Japanese man wished to join the knights of England.

The recruitment official turned him away, however, stating that there can not be any chinks in their knights' armor.

Even the best men in the Chinese military

Have chinks in their armor

What do you call a mummy on a horse?

A knight in Charmin armor.

there's two cannibals in a tree

a knight in armor comes around the first cannibal says to the other "dude canned food again?"

Realizing that the AT-AT doesn't have enough armor around the back, the Empire released a new batch with increased armor...

and called them the PHAT-ATs

A Scot, an Australian, and a Czech attended a medieval combat tournament.

At first they each had some difficulties getting prepared.

The Scot was detained by police because of mistaken identity. The Australian got lost on the tournament grounds. And the Czech was having some trouble finding armor that would fit.

But it all worked out, and a mutual friend of all three inquired about their situations with a tournament official.

"Oh, yes, I've seen them. Their problems have been sorted out. The Scot is free, the Australian is out back, and the Czech is in the mail."

What does a gay knight wear?

A fruit of armor.

Do you know why leather armor is the best for stealth?

Because it's made of hide

What's an empty old suit of armor doing in a driver seat of an empty car?

Maybe he went out for the knight.

What do you get when you put a suit of armor on a city map?

A knight on the town

Why did the female warrior prefer the armor smith over the weapon smith?

The weapon smith was a bit rapier

Why are the Terracotta Warriors so ineffective?

Their armor is full of chinks.

A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings

"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."

A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said


Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?

Thats why they call it plate armor.

If Batman wears kevlar armor and a bulletproof cape, why does Robin have to wear a bright-colored spandex outfit?

For the same reason: Batman doesn't like getting shot.

What would you write on the grave of a knight in shining armor?


What did the armored personnel carrier (APC) driver say to the attendant at the gas station?

Fill 'er up, full tank.

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes