Armless Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man sees an armless woman crying on the beach...

He walks over to her and says "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice you were crying, what seems to be the problem?"
The woman replies "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been kissed"
So the man, being the smooth gentleman that he is, bends down and kisses her softly on the lips.
The woman cracks a smile but then goes back to crying.
The man asks, "oh no, what seems to be the problem now my dear?"
The woman replies, "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been fucked"
So the man reaches down, and picks her up in his arms, and swiftly tosses her into the ocean saying "well your fucked now!"

There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy.
She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down next to her and gives her a hug. She continues to cry and he asks what's wrong now. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed by a real man." The man plants a kiss on her lips. She cries even harder. He asks what's wrong a third time. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been fucked."
The man picks up the girl in his arm and walks towards the ocean. He throws her as far as he can into the water and says, "Now you're fucked."

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach. A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.

"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"

So the man picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean. He calls out, "Guess you're fucked now!"

Credit goes to my dad.

Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

Little man dancing with no arms

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

An armless, legless girl is lying on the beach crying when a man walks up and asked her why.

She says I'm crying because in all my life I've never been kissed. So the man leans down to give her a kiss and then stands back up and begins to walk on his way. Then she starts crying even louder. So he turns around and asks her, why are you crying now? She says, I'm crying because in all my life I've never been fucked. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and yells "you're fucked now!"

A Classic

A woman puts a love wanted ad in the local paper: She says she is looking for 3 things. First, a man who will treat her nicely. Second, a man who won't leave her, and finally a man who is a great lover. Some time goes by and the woman begins to give up hope.  A few more days go by when the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, I am here about your love wanted ad. He explains. I don't have any arms so I will never be able to hurt you. I don't have any legs so it will be very hard to leave you. She looks at him, and how are you as a lover? He answers, how do you think I rang the doorbell?

An armless legless girl laying on the beach.

There's an armless legless girl laying on the beach. A man walls by and notices she's crying.

"what's wrong?" He asks.

"I've never been hugged!" She sobs. The man picks her up and hugs her and says, "now you've been hugged" and goes on his way.

A while later another man passes and sees her crying as well.

"hey what's wrong?"

"I've never been kissed!" She weeps.

He picks her up and kisses her and says "now you've been kissed" and resumes his day.

Later, a third man passes and sees her crying again.

Again, "what's wrong lady?"

"I've never been fucked!" She cries.

He picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and says, "There! Now you're fucked!"

An Armless Man on the Beach

Three women see a man lying on the shore of a beach and decide to approach him. The man has no arms or legs. Feeling sorry for the poor man, the British woman of the bunch goes over to him.
"Have you ever been hugged?" The British woman asks.
"No." The man replies, sadly. So the British woman goes down to him and hugs him. The man smiles. Next, the Welsh woman goes over to him and asks, "Have you ever been kissed?".
"No" the man replies. So the Welsh woman bends over and kisses the poor man on his lips. Lastly, the Scottish woman goes over to the man. At this point the man is very excited, and can only imagine what this last woman will do to him.
"Have you ever been fucked?" The Scottish woman asks.
"No!" The man says, excitedly.
"Well you will be when the tide comes in!"

Why did the armless man fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a washing machine at him

A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was standing on the side of the road

An Irish man pulls up and says " eye,eye eye you look armless, why don't you hop on in?"

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

There was once a man born with no arms...

So his family gave him to the local church. At first they had a hard time figuring out what to do with an armless guy, so they just had him teach choir. But one day, It was time for mass, and no one was there except the armless man. He knew the bell had to be rung to summon the people, so he walked up the stairs to the bell tower. After contemplating for a bit, he ran straight up to the bell and rung it with his face. When the minister and everyone else returned, they were so amazed with his performance that they designated him the official bell ringer. So he went on like that every day, slamming his face into the bell to ring it. One day, however, he slipped and fell off the bell tower to his death. Citizens crowded around him in horror. "does anyone know this armless guy?" a man called out. " I'm not sure," said another guy, " but his face sure rings a bell."

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

Joke about infected penis

A man who appear to have no arms stands outside a public toilet for a long time.

A man uses the toilet notices him, and asks why is he standing there. He says he wants to pee, but the lack of hands is preventing him.

He decides to relieve the armless dudes plight, and helps him. He unzips his trousers, and direct his cock to the urinal. However he cant help notice some green puss oozing out from his cock. After the guys done pissing, he cant help but ask him if he knows about his infected dick.


"Of course i do" says the guy. He then takes his arms out from his shirt and says

"Thats why I'm not touching it!"

Have you guys ever tried Krokodil?

It's a pretty armless drug.

There's an armless, legless woman sitting on the beach...

... A man walks by and the woman says,
"Excuse me sir, I have never been hugged before can you do me a favor and hug me?"

The man being a nice fellow stops and gives the woman a hug.

As the man is walking away the woman says, "Excuse me sir! I'm sorry but I have never been kissed before, can you kiss me too?"

The man is irritated but still a genuine guy so he bends over and gives her a kiss.

As he is walking away the woman says,"One more thing sir! I have never been fucked before, can you fuck me?"

So the man walks over, picks her up, tosses her in the ocean and says;

"NOW YOUR REALLY FUCKED!"

Finishing up in a public bathroom...

Steve is alone in the men's room, finishing up and about to leave. A stranger walks in with no arms. The armless stranger looks at Steve sadly, nods down towards his own pants and says, "Sir, can you please help me." Steve sighs, but decides to be nice and maybe pick up some karma along the way.

The two men walk over to one of the urinals together, Steve unzips the man's pants, and out flops the nastiest dick Steve has ever seen. There are open wounds seeping pus. There are raised black scars coursing along the sides. It smells diseased. At this point, Steve is fighting back nausea, but he gently holds the guy's penis until he finishes, shakes it off, puts it back in and zips the guy's pants back up for him.

Afterward, the guy sincerely thanks Steve. Steve says, "No problem, but I have to know... What's wrong with your pecker?" The guy pushes his arms through his shirt sleeves and responds, "I don't know but I'm not touching the fucking thing."

What do you call a armless, legless man in water?

Bob.

What did the armless math teacher have to do in order for his students to understand geometry?

Toe the line....

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man steps up to bell, and just savagely bangs his head against the side of it until he falls over, dead. The clergy, clearly shocked, run down to the congregation gathered and ask,

"Did any of you know that man?"

And some else shouts, "No, but I think his face rings a bell!"

What do you call a legless, armless amputee wiggling around in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a mute italian?

Armless!

What did the armless warrior say to his opponent before battle?

You're about to meet da-feet!

A man with no arms walks into a public restroom...

and comes up to the urinal. He looks to the guy at the urinal beside him and says, "Hey man, I know this is weird but I really need to pee and obviously I can't get my own dick out. Could you please help me out here." The other man, seeing there is no one else in the restroom, decides to be a good samaritan and helps him out. After a couple of minutes the guy with no arms looks at the good samaritan and asks if he can help him put it away now. The second guy obliges again under the condition that the armless man never tell ANYONE about this. As they're leaving the second guy looks at the armless man and asks,"By the way, when I was down there I noticed some green stuff all over your penis. What was that?" "Man I have no idea I just didn't want to touch it."

In high school I got sent to the principal for making fun of the paraplegic kid.

He asked if I would like to explain why I would do such a thing. I replied "It was just some armless teasing."

A Woman With No Legs and No Arms is Crying on a Beach

A man was walking down the beach when he saw an armless, legless woman sitting in the sand sobbing. Feeling bad for her, he approached the woman and asked her why she was crying. She said, "In my entire life, I've never been hugged by any man other than my father." So, feeling particularly friendly, the man reaches down and gives her a big bear hug then starts to leave. Before he can leave the woman starts crying again. "What's wrong now?" he asks. "In my entire life, I've never been kissed by a man other than my father." A little reluctantly this time, the man bends over and plants a big kiss right on her lips. Pleased with his good deeds, he starts to make his way down the beach again. A few steps away he hears her start sobbing AGAIN. He turns and asks, "What's wrong NOW?" "In my whole life, I've never been fucked." answered the woman. So the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean and yells, "Now you're fucked!"

How do you call an armless assbowl with a hunchback ?

A madeleine

Zookeepers lie about their exhibits

Woman: Sir, are these geese harmless? I would like to go in and pet one of them

Zookeeper: yes, they are armless, but I strongly recommend you shouldn't go in.

Woman: nonsense, if you say that they are harmless, they must be.

Zookeeper: okaaaaay

The Zookeeper proceeds to open the gate to allow the woman to enter. She walks up to 1 of the geese to pet them, but they attack her.

Woman: YOU SAID THEY WERE HARMLESS!

Zookeeper: I NEVER SAID THAT THEY WERE HARMLESS, I SAID THEY WERE ARMLESS!

Bus stop

A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg is waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up. The driver opens the door and says, "Eye eye eye, you look armless enough, hop on!"

Amputee porn

It's just a bit of armless fun

What do you call a group of amputated soldiers?

An armless.

A russian finds an armless bride

Russian: No handjobs?
Bride: No.
Russian: Blowjobs?
Bride: Yes.
Russian: Vaginal? Anal?
Bride: Yes, and OH YES.
Russian: I give you prosthetic then hand jobs?
Bride: OK. I do for you.
Russian: What else you need?
Bride: A magnifying glass.

Did you hear about the southern armless guy?

He couldn't wait for arm-a-getten'

A traditional Fijian joke

A villager loses an arm from a snake bite. He can't provide for his family so they leave him. He comes to the conclusion that he's utterly useless and decides to jump off a bridge. On his way there he spots an armless man who has just the biggest grin and a jovial jump in his step. He stops the armless man and asks:

"You must tell me how you can be this happy without any arms"

"Oh ok yeah sure buddy anything!" He says as he turns around.

"But first could you scratch my ass?"

What are the funniest armless jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Armless? Well, here are the best Armless puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Armless pick up lines to share with friends.

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