JokoJokes

Armed Police Jokes

55 armed police jokes and hilarious armed police puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about armed police that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Armed Police Short Jokes

Short armed police jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The armed police humour may include short armed guards jokes also.

  1. I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette. The police arrested her for waving a firearm.
  2. This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire... When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.
  3. Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport, as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
  4. Why did T-rex have to register with police? He was a small arms dealer.
    I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out.
  5. (Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen. Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
  6. My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him... Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.
  7. I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus They said he was armed and dangerous
  8. Rio Police to Ryan Lochte: "so you said the men were armed?" Ryan Lochte: Yeah, they had arms.
  9. Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as... ....cereal offenders.
  10. police and public Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places!
    Officer: Then stop going to those places.

Share These Armed Police Jokes With Friends




Armed Police One Liners

Which armed police one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with armed police? I can suggest the ones about police man and policeman.

  1. An octopus was killed in a shootout last week Police say he was heavily armed
  2. What did the analogic clock said after the police told him to put his arms up? "*12:00*"

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about armed police can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of armed police puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Armed Police Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about armed police you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean police uniform jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make armed police prank.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed.


She could see the light was on from the bedroom window.
As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things.
The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back.
"Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works.
Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer.
One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
b**...!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo.
"Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.
They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"
She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation.

He sends out an ad in the newspaper to get someone to ring the bell in his place. Unfortunately, no one responds, but just as he leaves, a man with no arms is at the door. Quasimodo asks why he's there. The man says, I want the job. Quasimodo counters this, saying that he couldn't possibly ring the bell with no arms. The man says, just watch. So, Quasimodo decides to give him a chance. He brings him up the tower to three bells. Quasimodo says, alright, ring the short bell. The man takes a few steps back, prepares himself, and runs right at the bell, jumping at the bell and ringing it! Quasimodo is extremely impressed with this display. Alright, try the medium bell, Quasimodo says. The man takes a few more steps, runs at the bell, jumps, and rings it! Quasimodo is more than impressed. Okay, you've done great. Now I just need you to ring the high bell, and you've got the job, he says. The man walks all the way to the back, runs at the bell, and jumps right out the window! Quasimodo races down the stairs, and by the time he gets to the bottom, the police are on the scene. Quasimodo, do you know this man? The officer demands. After thinking for a little, Quasimodo responds, no, but his face rings a bell.

so the hunchback of notre dame died yesterday

and so today they are looking for a new guy to ring the bell.So they interviewed a few guys until the very last one but they were shocked to see he had no arms or legs so they asked "how are you going to ring the bell". He said "easy ill use my head" so they hired him and the next day he rang the bell with his head. But he fell off and died and everyone crowded around him and asked "anyone know him" and a "police man said no but his face sure rings a bell".

Homeless Girl

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place.
He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were n**... and in bed together. The old man tried and tried harder, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped... "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."

Seatbelt

The police, several ambulances and news crews arrived at a car c**.... As the police were taking photos of the scene, one of them was being interviewed by a reporter. This was a terrible accident and he wanted to remind people to be cautious:
"Most of these people died because they didn't wear their seat belts. Look at this guy here, he didn't wear his seat belt and he flew through the windshield and his arms are nowhere to be found. Look at that girl there, she didn't wear her seat belt and she's missing her arms and legs. Look at that guy there, he didn't wear his seat belt and half of him is in the car while the other half on the street. Now let's check the other car. See, everyone had their seat belts on and they all look like they did when they were alive."

I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he says. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?'
The lawyer looks down in horror.
'FUCKING h**...!' he screams........'My Rolex!!!'

A police officer pulls a man over for driving all over the road...

...and discovers the man has clearly been drinking.
Officer: "You'll have to come with me for a breathalyzer test, sir."
Man: "I'm afraid I can't do that officer, I'm ams-- *hic* alths-- I'm asthmatic. I could have an episode."
O: "I see. In that case, I'll need to take you down to the station for a blood test."
M: "I can't do that either, see, because I'm a helmpho-- a hemophiliac. I could bleed out."
O: "*sigh*... okay, just stand right there and hold your arms out to your sides, tilt your head straight back, and touch your nose with your right index finger."
M: "I'm afraid I can't do that either, because I.................."
O: "What, you have vertigo?"
M: "Yes! Sorry, I can't think very fast after 14 beers!"

A police officer in Alabama finds...

...a black man with his arms and legs chopped off. He reports "the worst case of s**... he's ever seen."

Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the Subway Diet , but didn't lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.
In New York City, a health department worker was suspended for using a robotic-sounding voice when answering the phone. During the man's suspension, his phone will be answered by an actual robot.
A Maryland man has been charged with sending an email that threatened to kill President Obama. Obama said it was the nicest email he's gotten in months.
In Texas, a man called the police after a woman broke into his home, and performed o**... s**... on him without his consent. Police arrived on the scene, and the man was arrested.

A police officer shoots a black man..

but is not charged by the Grand jury as the defense claims that it was dark all around making it difficult to see the victim who got shot as the officer missed the target.
The Grand jury does add a cautionary note asking police officers to remove sunglasses during armed confrontations.

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."

Which fairy tale character would be most likely to be shot by the police?

An un-armed gingerbread man

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"

A woman calls the police claiming a one armed man is trying to kill her...

They say to her "don't worry about him mam, he's hARMLESS."

Why did the police officer hate wearing condoms?

Because his dad was killed by armed rubbers.

An armed robber, fleeing from the police, ran into a s**... club

It turned into a h**... stage situation.

Police Shooting

A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm

A lady was putting gas in her car today while smoking a cigarette.

Unfortunately, the lady caught her arm of fire. She was frantically moving her flaming arm in the air until a police officer brutally slammed her to the ground and handcuffed her. "Why are you arresting her?" I said. "She was waving a firearm" he responded.

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

I got robbed in a weird way today

I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely n**... and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into me, knocked me over and ran off into the distance with my wallet.
So I took my report to the police and they asked me to give a summary of what happened, so I said
"I got hit by, I got struck by a smooth criminal"

I heard about a tourist that visited a religious site once.

He climbed all those steps and wanted to ring the bell at the end, but the poor guy had no arms, having lost them in an industrial accident year previous.
But being no stranger to overcoming adversity, the tourist insisted on ringing the bell anyway, so the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. The first two times were fine, but on the third attempt, he tripped, stumbled and fell to his death to the rocks below.
When being interviewed for the accident, the police asked the monks Do you know this guy?
The monk responded, No, but his face rings a bell.

The police were tracking down a serial killer.

The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack p**... whack, give a dog a bone.

I was pumping gas and, a lady caught her arm on fire, police came and arrested her.

For possesion of a fire arm

Ever heard of Spontaneous Human Combustion?

I have a friend named Sally. Well... she's not really a friend, but I knew her in high school. Anyways, one day she went out shopping. As she was strolling through the aisles, her arm caught fire! Just her arm and nothing else. It was a fascinating sight to see. A young woman flailing about the cereals and pancakes with flames spewing from her arm. Finally, the police show up. They immediately throw her in cuffs and send her to jail. What was her charge?
Possession of an Unlicensed Firearm.

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your s**... BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".
Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.
"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven't even noticed your left arm has been ripped off!». The lawyer goes: «What!? Where's my Rolex!?»

I'm a police officer, and like a midget hosting poker night in a blanket fort...

I'm going undercover as a small arms dealer.

An armed robber had just finished robbing a mansion.

As he got out, he noticed a random guy staring at him with his jaws dropped.
Robber: Did you see anything!?
Man: Y..yes..
The robber shot the man. Unfortunately, another person passing by at that exact moment witnessed this.
Robber: Did you see anything!?
Man: Yes! And I am calling the-
The robber shot him before he could say anything. Unfortunately a married couple walking by witnessed both of the murders.
Robber: Did you see-
Before he could finish asking his question, the man replied: No. Not at all. But my wife did! And she threatened to call the police!

A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit

"I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".

When his wife went missing...

... her husband searched everywhere for her. As well as filing a missing persons report with the police, he contacted all her friends and family in a bid to trace her, but no luck. Then two days after she vanished, he returned home to find her standing in the bathroom.
He threw his arms around her and cried: "Where have you been? I've been worried sick."
"These four masked men kidnapped me," she said, "tied me up and took me away to their place, and then had wild s**... with me for a week."
"A week? But it's only been two days," said the husband.
She answered: "I'm just here to get my toothbrush and make-up."

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.
As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.

A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.

He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".
They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.
The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.
"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"
2 minutes later, police cars, helicopters, armed forces, counter-t**... police turn up and raid the house, catching the burglars in the act.
The police looked confused and asked "You said you shot them!"
The man replied "You said there were no police available."

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!
The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.
The guy looks down where his arm used to be and wails Oh, my god, my precious Rolex!

A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.

A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these armed police jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.