Armed Jokes

Following is our collection of guns humor and no arms and legs one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Armed puns for adults, dirty firearm jokes or clean disarm gags for kids.

There is an abundance of amputee jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 64 funniest jokes on armed. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any duel witze you can hear about armed.

The Best jokes about Armed

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.

It's shift work.

People often misuse the word "chivalry."

I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.

The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat

Turns out I'm the better jouster.

Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.


I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

How did the octopus go to the war?

Well armed...

What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?

Gloves!

Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

A farmer has three daughters who all have dates tonight...

The doorbell rings and the farmer, armed with a shotgun answers the door to find a boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks that the boy is very clever so he calls to Flo and sends her off with Joe

The doorbell rings again a little later and it's another boy. He says, "Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, do you know if she's ready?" The farmer thinks that Eddy is just as clever as the first boy so he calls for Betty and sends the couple on their way.

The doorbell rings a third time and at the door is another boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Chuck..." So the farmer shoots him in the face.

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!

(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)


News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark?

The octopus because it is well armed.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

A captain and his crew are standing on their boat...

...when suddenly another boat comes along, and they don't look too nice. "Get me my red shirt!", says the captain to one of the crew. "Why, sir?" the man responds. "Because if I get shot, they won't see the blood, because it will blend in with the shirt!" "Good idea, captain! I'll get the shirt right away!" Eventually, the violent-looking boat ends up sailing off, not being too violent after all. However, later that night, 5 boats, all armed with many cannons on their side, come to surround the captain's ship. "You there," the captain yells, "get me my brown pants!"

It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public

Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?

He was armed.


Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

You wave at her.

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

Which armed forces do horses join?

The neigh-vy

How do you get a 1 armed man out of a tree

Wave

What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo?

a force of habit

A man was killed by an assassin

An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.

Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,

And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

Why was the couch afraid of the chair?

The chair was armed.

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."

"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."

Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the Subway Diet , but didn't lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.

In New York City, a health department worker was suspended for using a robotic-sounding voice when answering the phone. During the man's suspension, his phone will be answered by an actual robot.

A Maryland man has been charged with sending an email that threatened to kill President Obama. Obama said it was the nicest email he's gotten in months.

In Texas, a man called the police after a woman broke into his home, and performed oral sex on him without his consent. Police arrived on the scene, and the man was arrested.

You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":

Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.

Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.

Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.

Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.

Drive through counter was being robbed...

While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.

Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.

Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"

Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o

An octopus was killed in a shootout last week

Police say he was heavily armed

Short armed and dangerous.

Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.

I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up

I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.

(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.

Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.

Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?

Submarines.

In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .

Could still have a better punchline than this.

I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.

He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.

He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.

He asked me "did you see my face?"

"No, but the wife did"

For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.

Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.

The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a banging at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.

Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.

Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member.

You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?

It was armed.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

An armed robber walkes into a bank

... after he collected the money he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing this bank?" The customer says "Yes" and so the robber shoots him. He turns to a 2nd customer and asks: "Did you witness me robbing that bank?". The 2nd customer also says "Yes" so the robber shoots him. He now turns to a 3rd customer and asks:"Did you witness me robbing that bank?" The 3rd customer says: " I havent witnessed anything but my wife witnessed it all".

Sorry for bad english.
Sorry if its a repost.

I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus

They said he was armed and dangerous

I ran into a one armed fisherman

I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"


This joke works better in person.

Last week I got a picture framed

Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent

How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?

Wave to him!

Bank Robber

A masked armed robber runs into a bank and up to the first teller. As he begins to tell her to give up the cash, his mask falls off. He puts it back on and then asks her if she saw his face. She replies yes, so he shoots her dead. Next teller is asked the same thing, replies yes and bang, dead. He then turns to a couple standing in line and asks the man if he saw his face. The man replies "No, but my wife did."

A one armed man enters a store and asks:

"Is this a second hand shop?"

The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.

In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"

What do you call an amputee with a gun?

Armed.

In war, a general sees an enemy soldier who has his arm in a hole filled with water

"Let's avoid him", he tells his adjutant. "He's well armed."

What's the best part of dating a one armed girl?

At least she probably won't give you the clap

Rio Police to Ryan Lochte: "so you said the men were armed?"

Ryan Lochte: Yeah, they had arms.

An armed robber had just finished robbing a mansion.

As he got out, he noticed a random guy staring at him with his jaws dropped.

Robber: Did you see anything!?

Man: Y..yes..

The robber shot the man. Unfortunately, another person passing by at that exact moment witnessed this.

Robber: Did you see anything!?

Man: Yes! And I am calling the-

The robber shot him before he could say anything. Unfortunately a married couple walking by witnessed both of the murders.

Robber: Did you see-

Before he could finish asking his question, the man replied: No. Not at all. But my wife did! And she threatened to call the police!

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

How do you get a one armed newfie out of a tree?

Wave.

Why are octopuses so dangerous?

They're heavily armed.

The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."

The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red jacket."

The first mate is confused and asks the captain why he needs a red jacket. The captain replies "Arr, if I am shot and the crew sees that I'm bleeding they're liable to be afraid."

The first mate admires the captain's bravery, so he goes off to the captain's quarters to fetch his jacket. Once he comes above deck to find the captain, however, he realizes that just visible on the horizon is an enormous armada of ships - hundreds and hundreds of Royal Navy vessels coming towards them from every possible direction. They are completely surrounded.

The captain whispers to him:

"Aye, matey, find me brown pants."

Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?

He Wanted to be Armed.

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald's with a plastic knife.

I'm currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes