Hilarious Armed Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
Short armed and dangerous.
Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
You wave at her.
Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...
They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.
The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"
"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.
"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."
"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."
Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?
Submarines.
(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.
Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...
And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."
What's the best part of dating a one armed girl?
At least she probably won't give you the clap
I ran into a one armed fisherman
I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"
This joke works better in person.
How do you get a one armed newfie out of a tree?
Wave.
Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark?
The octopus because it is well armed.
You can explore armed guns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean armed firearm dad jokes. There are also armed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member.
You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed...
Martial arts
The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.
A First Mate turns to his Captain and says...
"Captain! There is a light ahead and we are receiving a transmission that we should veer to the left."
The Captain grabbed the radio and said, "This is a fully armed battleship. Veer right or be destroyed."
The voice on the radio responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your move."
How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?
Wave to him!
Not guilty
Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo?
a force of habit
How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?
A Brazilian.
Drive through counter was being robbed...
While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o
Why was the couch afraid of the chair?
The chair was armed.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days
I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.
It's shift work.
The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.
In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"
Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?
It was armed.
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)
How do you get a 1 armed man out of a tree
Wave
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.
My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...
Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
People often misuse the word "chivalry."
I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.
He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.
He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.
He asked me "did you see my face?"
"No, but the wife did"
A man was killed by an assassin
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.
Which armed forces do horses join?
The neigh-vy
An octopus was killed in a shootout last week
Police say he was heavily armed
Bank Robber
A masked armed robber runs into a bank and up to the first teller. As he begins to tell her to give up the cash, his mask falls off. He puts it back on and then asks her if she saw his face. She replies yes, so he shoots her dead. Next teller is asked the same thing, replies yes and bang, dead. He then turns to a couple standing in line and asks the man if he saw his face. The man replies "No, but my wife did."
In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .
Could still have a better punchline than this.
The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.
Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.
His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work
American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A one armed man enters a store and asks:
"Is this a second hand shop?"
Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?
He was armed.
News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,
as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because he was well armed
I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus
They said he was armed and dangerous
Last week I got a picture framed
Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent
What do you call an amputee with a gun?
Armed.
In the middle of a war...
A group of soldiers are making their way through thick grass when an explosion goes off.
One of the soldiers shouts Be careful it's an armed bush
An armed panda bear and a scientist walk into a bar.
The panda orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the scientist, and walks out of the bar.
The scientist explains while dying: a panda bear eats chutes and leaves
A party of adventurers walk into a tavern
fully armed and sit down at a table. The bartender comes over and asks, "Hey, why do you guys have your weapons ready?"
The party leader replies, "Mimics."
The bartender laughs.
The party laughs.
The table laughs.
What do you call 100 well armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge
Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings
The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...
When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.
A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.
He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".
They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.
The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.
"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"
2 minutes later, police cars, helicopters, armed forces, counter-terror police turn up and raid the house, catching the burglars in the act.
The police looked confused and asked "You said you shot them!"
The man replied "You said there were no police available."
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband
One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"
Just flew in from a vehicle weaponization convention
And boy are my tires armed
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
a Partial artist
How did the one armed man save the world?
Single handedly!
Did you hear about the armed man who ran into the real estate office and shouted,
"NOBODY MOVE!"
Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...
....cereal offenders.
President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.
He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank
Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank when a gang of armed men burst in. Some of them start threatening the cashiers while two more go along the line of customers collecting watches, wallets, phones, everything.
As they get closer to the two lawyers one turns to the other and presses a wad of cash into his hand.
"Hey man, here's the $300 I owe you."
When a Tyrannosaurus Rex went missing from a Zoo meant for Dinosaur...
It was reported to be "**Armed & Dangerous**".
officer Training School
Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.
