The Best 65 Armed Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Armed jokes. There are some armed no arms and legs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these armed disarm puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Armed Jokes and Puns
Short armed and dangerous.
Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
You wave at her.
Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...
They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.
The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"
"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.
"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."
"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."
Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?
Submarines.
(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen.
Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
What did little no armed Jimmy get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Haha I'm joking. He hasn't opened it yet.
The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...
And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."
What's the best part of dating a one armed girl?
At least she probably won't give you the clap
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
I ran into a one armed fisherman
I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"
This joke works better in person.
How do you get a one armed newfie out of a tree?
Wave.
You can explore armed guns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean armed firearm dad jokes. There are also armed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark?
The octopus because it is well armed.
You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member.
You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed...
Martial arts
The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.
How do you get a one armed Canadian out of a tree?
Wave to him!
Not guilty
Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo?
a force of habit
How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?
A Brazilian.
Rio Police to Ryan Lochte: "so you said the men were armed?"
Ryan Lochte: Yeah, they had arms.
Drive through counter was being robbed...
While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.
Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.
Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"
Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o
Why was the couch afraid of the chair?
The chair was armed.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days
I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.
It's shift work.
The Secret Service has come up with a new plan for protecting our president-elect.
In the event of an armed attack, they will yell "Donald, duck!"
Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security?
It was armed.
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)
How do you get a 1 armed man out of a tree
Wave
Why are octopuses so dangerous?
They're heavily armed.
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up
I did, however, get six years in jail for armed robbery of a petrol station.
My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...
Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
People often misuse the word "chivalry."
I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
I went to the bank with my wife when an armed robber walked in, pulled on a balaclava and pulled out a gun.
He went up to a customer and asked "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes", so the robber shot him.
He asked another customer "did you see my face?" The customer said "yes" so the robber shot him.
He asked me "did you see my face?"
"No, but the wife did"
A man was killed by an assassin
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.
I got a new job helping a one armed typist write in capitals
It's only shift work, though.
Which armed forces do horses join?
The neigh-vy
An octopus was killed in a shootout last week
Police say he was heavily armed
In war, a general sees an enemy soldier who has his arm in a hole filled with water
"Let's avoid him", he tells his adjutant. "He's well armed."
Bank Robber
A masked armed robber runs into a bank and up to the first teller. As he begins to tell her to give up the cash, his mask falls off. He puts it back on and then asks her if she saw his face. She replies yes, so he shoots her dead. Next teller is asked the same thing, replies yes and bang, dead. He then turns to a couple standing in line and asks the man if he saw his face. The man replies "No, but my wife did."
In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .
Could still have a better punchline than this.
The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.
Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.
His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work
American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?
He Wanted to be Armed.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald's with a plastic knife.
I'm currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.
A one armed man enters a store and asks:
"Is this a second hand shop?"
Why was a man kicked out of the Amputee ward?
He was armed.
News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.
Librarians will be issued silencers.
Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,
as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because he was well armed
I heard on the news that the police were looking for a runaway octopus
They said he was armed and dangerous
Last week I got a picture framed
Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent
What do you call an amputee with a gun?
Armed.
During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.
"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."
In the middle of a war...
A group of soldiers are making their way through thick grass when an explosion goes off.
One of the soldiers shouts Be careful it's an armed bush
An armed panda bear and a scientist walk into a bar.
The panda orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the scientist, and walks out of the bar.
The scientist explains while dying: a panda bear eats chutes and leaves
A party of adventurers walk into a tavern
fully armed and sit down at a table. The bartender comes over and asks, "Hey, why do you guys have your weapons ready?"
The party leader replies, "Mimics."
The bartender laughs.
The party laughs.
The table laughs.
An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…
"Nobody move!"
What do you call 100 well armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge
Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings
The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.
One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...
When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the armed amputee jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working armed duel piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.