Hilarious Armed Guards Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days
I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...
They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.
The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"
"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.
"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."
"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"
I replied, "Single-handedly."
President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces.
He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...
They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.
Bunch of mainly old rich white folks gathered in a big fancy room guarded by armed guards to discuss about coloured people
So how was Oscars y'all?
When I was in the coast guard, I saw a man in the water who had had his arms cut off by the mafia.
Apparently, throwing a lifesaver at him was the wrong thing to do.
h**...
h**... sits by a cliff. Calls a jew over and tells him to extend his arms in forward, and then throws him over. He then calls another jew and tells him to extend his arms upward, and again he throws him off the cliff. Then a guard asks him: "Hitlar, vat arr yu duing?" and h**... says: "I'm playing Tetris"
You can explore armed guards reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean armed guards dad jokes. There are also armed guards puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
