Armed Guards Jokes
19 armed guards jokes and hilarious armed guards puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about armed guards that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Armed Guards Short Jokes
Short armed guards jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The armed guards humour may include short security guard jokes also.
- It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
- My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?" I replied, "Single-handedly."
- President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces. He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
- Bunch of mainly old rich white folks gathered in a big fancy room guarded by armed guards to discuss about coloured people So how was Oscars y'all?
- When I was in the coast guard, I saw a man in the water who had had his arms cut off by the mafia. Apparently, throwing a lifesaver at him was the wrong thing to do.
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Hilarious Armed Guards Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about armed guards you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean armed police jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make armed guards pranks.
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...
They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.
The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"
"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.
"What do you mean?" Said the second guard, "It's not curfew for another hour."
"Yeah, but I knew the guy," Said the first guard, "He could never have made it home in time."
You can tell a lot about the different branches of the armed services by their use of the word "secure":
Order Marines to secure a building and they'll attack it.
Order soldiers to secure a building and they'll post guards around it.
Order airmen to secure a building and they'll buy it.
Order sailors to secure a building and they'll turn off the lights, lock the doors, and go out drinking.
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
Prisoners actually have a lot in common with Presidents...
They're both fed and housed by tax payers, surrounded by armed guards 24/7, neither can leave the gates without attracting attention, and both are often hated by the general public. It seems to me that the only difference between them is that we often catch the criminal that's responsible, but we keep putting the wrong guy in office.
h**...
h**... sits by a cliff. Calls a jew over and tells him to extend his arms in forward, and then throws him over. He then calls another jew and tells him to extend his arms upward, and again he throws him off the cliff. Then a guard asks him: "Hitlar, vat arr yu duing?" and h**... says: "I'm playing Tetris"
A knight and a bunch of his men-at-arms were holding a castle.
Suddenly, one of the soldiers guarding the gate yells out:
-SIR, WE SEE A BATTALION IN THE DISTANCE!
The knight goes up the gatehouse and asks the soldier.
-So, what do you think? Friends or foes?
The soldier takes a look at the distant mass of men coming towards the castle, about a mile away.
-Well sir, I think they're friends.
-And what makes you think that? - Asked the knight.
-They wouldn't be huddling up together if they hated each other's guts would they?
A beautiful black woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn't paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn't that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards.
The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so.
The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye.
The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!"
The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!"
The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family."
Christ is on the cross
He's calling out to Peter. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. 'Peter! Peter!' Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. 'Peter! Peter!' calls Christ. Peter makes one last desperate effort. He hops up to the guard, evades his hacking sword and knocks him out with a head-but. He then hops to the top of the hill and stands panting at the bottom of the cross. 'Yes, Lord!' shouts Peter. 'I am here!'. Christ says,'Peter, I can see your house from here.'
Two guys named Bob are walking by a nuclear reactor.
Bob starts talking about how his great uncle twice removed worked at a nuclear plant and grew an extra arm.
Other Bob says, "well that would be awesome, I could use an extra arm."
Bob says, "oh, I think it could only happen to me, it's in my genetics."
Other Bob gets mad. "b**..., I could grow an extra arm before you could!"
So they both hop the fence and start running around the reactor. The security guard chases them, but he's 83 years old. Bob dives in the cooling tank, while other Bob licks the giant tower. Other Bob swallows a spent fuel pellet, while Bob rolls around in some yellow powder. Suddenly, and simultaneously, third arms sprout out of both of their chests. They look at each other. "God d**..., a tie?"
At this point the old security guard hobbles up. "When will your generation learn," he wheezes. "There are never any winners in a nuclear arms race."
A religious lady is in her house when a flood is approaching...
Her neighbor came by with his pick up truck and said "hey myrna, i have room for you you and your chair, the flood is coming, lets go!"
She answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her to the second floor, a policeman in a boat came by and said Ma'am, c'mon, it's time to go."
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her onto her roof, the coast guard lowered a man down to her who said "ma'am i'm here to rescue you, put this rope under your arms"
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
After she drowned, she met St. Peter and insisted on speaking to the Big Guy, whom she asked "Why didn't you come to save me?"
God replied "look lady, I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter ..."
(heh)
From Memphis Belle
A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the n**... on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a b**... mission?"
The n**... figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
"We think you are trying to escape!"
Tom, Walter, and Mike are building a skyscraper...
Suddenly a stiff wind blows through and catches Tom off guard. He falls to his death. Walter and Mike rush down to the street level where a crowd has gathered around Tom's body.
"I suppose one of us should tell his wife", says Mike.
Walter sighed. "Well, I used to give him a ride home. I know where he lived and I'm good a delivering bad news. I'll do it."
So, Walter leaves Mike to help clean Tom off the sidewalk. About an hour later Walter comes back with a case of beer under his arm.
Mike says, "Hey! Where'd you get that?"
"Tom's wife gave it to me!"
"What? Why?"
"Well, when she answered the door, I asked her 'Are you Tom's widow?' She said "No, I'm not!' And I said "Bet you a case of beer you're wrong!'"