Armed Forces Jokes
38 armed forces jokes and hilarious armed forces puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about armed forces that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Armed Forces Short Jokes
Short armed forces jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The armed forces humour may include short armed services jokes also.
- President Trump's greatest accomplishment was making us give the Coast Guard the respect that it deserves as a branch of the Armed Forces. He accomplished this by creating the Space Force.
- French president Emmanuel Macron is bringing back national service for their armed forces. French teenagers aren't too worried though. How hard can waving a little white flag actually be?
- Seasick jokes What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?
The Navy blues
What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time?
The Dock
- Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.
- America's army is the most powerful army in the world, French Armed Forces is No. 5 in the world, Lebanese Armed Forces is... Lebanese Armed Forces is the most powerful army in Lebanon.
- Apparently the Israeli armed forces are trained in Krav maga for CQC I always assumed they were taught Jew Jitsu
- What's the difference between the armed forces and Comcast? Nobody ever says "Thank you for your service" to the latter.
- What would fat Dracula say if he joined the U.S. Armed Forces? Navy I'll have just one more cookie!
- UGH I was just forced to watch a s**... commercial about something called a Snuggie... I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.
- Two Canadians leave for Iraq, one with the Canadian Armed Forced, the other to join ISIS The Liberals cut support for the soldier and created a new program to welcome the t**....
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Armed Forces One Liners
Which armed forces one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with armed forces? I can suggest the ones about military and air force.
- Which armed forces do horses join? The neigh-vy
- What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit
- Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces? Submarines.
- My dog forcefully jumped into my arms. He left me no choice... I had to put him down.
- What do you call a member of the armed forces in the north sea? A navy seal.
- Why did gravity get a gun? So it could join the armed forces.
- What do you call 222,215 Frenchman with their arms up? The active french armed forces.
- Why are the British armed forces by bitchiest? Because we have the **SAS**s
Heartwarming Armed Forces Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about armed forces you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean us military jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make armed forces pranks.
The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...
And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...
For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,
For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,
And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."
Nice pigs sir
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
Old Clinton joke
President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder.
As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, "you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?" ... "No sir, I have not. If I may ask, sir, why did you get the pigs?" Clinton responds, "well I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." ... "Excellent trade sir!!"
A man gets woken up by intruders in his house.
He phones the police and says "There's people robbing my house, please send help".
They dispatcher says there's no cars or police available.
The man hangs up and phones back 2 minutes later.
"I just shot the guys. They're both here with bullets in them"
2 minutes later, police cars, helicopters, armed forces, counter-t**... police turn up and raid the house, catching the burglars in the act.
The police looked confused and asked "You said you shot them!"
The man replied "You said there were no police available."
President Clinton shows up to Air Force One
President Clinton shows up to Air Force One with a pig under each arm.
The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"
Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think about that?"
The sergeant salutes again and shouts: "Nice trade, sir."
Couldn't sleep
So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.
Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?
Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.
How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!
If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:
The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
a jewish lady and her boy were at the beach...
the boy is swimming in the sea, quite a way out. the mother looks on from the shore. after a while its clear the boy is in trouble. he's struggling to keep his his head above and he goes under.
his mother cannot swim at all so with no other option she drops to her knees and prays to God.
"GOD, Hear me! please help my boy! help my little bubala!"
sure enough the boy raises from the sea, levitating in the air he begins to float to the shore. it is clearly an act of god. the invisible force delivers him right into his mothers arms where he spits up sea water and takes a deep gasp of air...
his mother looks up at the sky and shouts to God:
"Excuse me!! I believe he was wearing a hat, hmm?"
WHY I AM SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.
A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.
Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."
Kudos if you get the joke
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other outside materials. The researchers leave the three to their own devices, then come back after an hour.
The physicist is first to be checked on. The researchers find him mouthing out complicated formulas in his head. After a moment, he swings his can into a wall with the proper amount of force and at the correct angle to split the can open.
The engineer is next. His cell is covered in dents, and he is eating from the remnants of a banged-up and broken can when the researchers find him.
Finally, the researchers visit the mathematician's cell. They find him huddled in a corner, cradling the can in his arms, and muttering, "Assume a can opener, assume a can opener, assume a can opener..."
A religious lady is in her house when a flood is approaching...
Her neighbor came by with his pick up truck and said "hey myrna, i have room for you you and your chair, the flood is coming, lets go!"
She answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her to the second floor, a policeman in a boat came by and said Ma'am, c'mon, it's time to go."
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
When the water had forced her onto her roof, the coast guard lowered a man down to her who said "ma'am i'm here to rescue you, put this rope under your arms"
She again answered serenely, "no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"
After she drowned, she met St. Peter and insisted on speaking to the Big Guy, whom she asked "Why didn't you come to save me?"
God replied "look lady, I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter ..."
(heh)