The Best 69 Arm Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Arm jokes. There are some arm ankle jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these arm no arms and legs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Arm Jokes and Puns

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

I was sexually active at 12

It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.


My husband said our infant son could microwave...

And then shook his arm really fast.

(True story, please groan with me.)

So God creates Adam...

...and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

Adam hesitates..

"What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

God responds "An arm and a leg."

Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times.

She said her arm got tired.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

You can explore arm biceps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean arm humerus dad jokes. There are also arm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Proud Dad momemt

My 10 year old daughter just asked me "Dad, what do you do when you break your arm in several places?" I was in the middle of going over some work and said " I'm not sure" her reply was " You stop going to those places."

***Happy tear follows***

I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris

Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.


I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

I want you to sell this to me.

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, Bring my laptop back now.

I said, £200 and it's yours.

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?

God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.

Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impaired.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer

The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

Son walks in on his dad masturbating

Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".

The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"

To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player?

A tattoo.

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.

He asks for one beer, and one for the road.

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

Vader has a pretty sweet suit.

It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.

As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.

Granddad could tell a tale

He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.


To me that always seemed far-fetched.

What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer?

A Tattoo.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today

He told me not to go back to those places

What is brown and has got four legs and an arm?

A Rottweiler on a children's playground.

An alterboy walks in while a priest masturbating.

The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.

Why is that Father?

Because my arm is getting tired.

A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.

"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.

"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.

"But it's his birthday!"

A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.

The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.

Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"

The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.

Serves him right.

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.

Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.

Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.

Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?

A severe speech impediment.

How much does a red lightsaber cost?

An arm and a leg

^^

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.

He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".

The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".

The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an illegal fire arm.

What do you do if you break your arm in two places?

Don't go back to those two places.

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .

Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me

An arm and a leg

….what can I get for a rib?

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

A Salmon under his arm

Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm...

He asked the barman if they sold any fish cakes. The barman said no and the man pouted. That's a shame, he said, pointing to the fish, it's his birthday!

A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm.

"do you make fish cakes?"
"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...
"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"

Why is Def leppard the best band to listen to while driving?

Because you only need one arm to drum along..

Why snakes avoid hospitals in US?

Because it "cost an arm and a leg" to enter one !


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Note: this is first dad joke I write and make ... hope it can put some smiles on some of people faces .. have a good evening guys


PS : in a second thought .. I should had made it " **Why snakes can't enter into hospitals in US?** " LOL

A man walks into a seafood restaurant carrying a fish under his arm

He approaches the owner of the restaurant and says, Does your restaurant serve fish cakes?

The owner responds, Yes, of course!

And the man with the fish says, Good, because it's his birthday.

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

A woman is woken up late one night to the sound of her husband coming home.

He crashes into the bedroom reeking of booze, with a duck under his arm.

"What the hell's going on, Steve?" asks the woman.

"What do you think of the pig?"

"That's not a pig, it's a duck."

"I wasn't talking to you."

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

A woman with hairy armpits enters a bar..

She sits at the end of the bar and raises her arm to call the bartender and a drunkard would say, "Hey, bartender.. give the ballerina a beer on me.."

This happened two more times and the bartender finally asks, "Tell me, I'm curious.. What makes you say that the woman at the end of the bar is a ballerina? "

The drunkard shrugs and says, "Any woman that could lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."

A man walks into the bakers...

A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"

The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"

The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"

So I met a Jewish girl at the bar last night...

She asked me for my number so I wrote it on her arm. Haven't heard from her since...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the arm crutch jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working arm armless piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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