Arkansas Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush.

Got this from my dad tonight...You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas?

They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.




Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas

what is 40 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

What has 10,000 feet and one tooth?

An unemployment line in Arkansas.

Wife's Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home.

The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was cleaned and the dishes were done, and food was on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

What does a young girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity?

"Careful, dad, don't crush my smokes."

Yee-haw





Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



Lost in Arkansas

Bob a young journalism graduate from the University of Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Dick replied, One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.

I can't print that, said Bob the reporter, Is there another event that made you really happy?

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, Well, I got lost once".

So one day, Hillary Clinton was going to an elementary school to talk aboit her job.

She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"

3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone and my bare hands."
This is obviously impressing the group. The first 2 cowboys look over at the cowboy from Texas, waiting for his tall tale.

The cowboy from Texas doesn't say a word. Just keep stirring the coals of the fire with the tip of his penis.

The blonde and the ventriloquist (someone with a dummy on his knee)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!' Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies… Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.

What do wheat, gluten, and Arkansas have in common?

They're all in bread.

A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they all say good-bye.

As Bill pulls the car onto the road, he turns to Hillary and says: "Now aren't you glad you married me and not him? You could've been the wife of a grease monkey!"

To which Hillary replied: "No Bill. If I would have married him you'd be pumping gas, and he would be the President."

What do kids in Arkansas call pedophiles?

Dad

The devil's offer

One day, a number of years ago, the devil visited Hillary Clinton at her law office in Arkansas. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. One day, I might even make you President. All I require in return is that your husband's soul, your daughter's soul, and her children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

Hillary thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" she asked.

TIL that the toothbrush was made in Arkansas.

If it was made anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

Bill Clinton and his razorbacks...

Bill Clinton steps off a plane with two Arkansas razorbacks under each arm and then is greeted by a Marine who is saluting him. Bill tells the Marine "Son I would salute you but as you can see I got my hands full with these succulent hogs. I got one here for Hillary and one here for Chelsea." The Marine replies "A mighty fine trade, sir!"

edit - loving how the "alt-left" has come out of the woodworks on this one. Was just testing the waters. And the verdict...a lot(85%) of you have a quality sense of humor. You're alright.

Nice pigs sir

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.

The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."

Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."

The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."

You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

Wo Ai Ni

Swedish

Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian

As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia.

Nice Tits.

Get in the Truck.

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a man and woman are divorced, they can still be brother and sister.

An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?

The man replies, No, she's like her mother. She just lays there.

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubba says "What the hell does a taxidermist do?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bubba smiles at him and says to his friends "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

what is 50 feet long and only has 3 teeth?

The funnel cake line at the Arkansas state fair.

How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce alike?

Whichever one happens, somebody's going to lose a trailer.

[NSFW] What do people in Arkansas say after having sex?

Get off me pa you're crushing my smokes

If you get a divorce in Arkansas...

... is she still your sister?

What do pimentos, raisins, and people from Arkansas have in common?

When you find one, it's usually in bread

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One with a pig under each arm.

The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"

Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think about that?"

The sergeant salutes again and shouts: "Nice trade, sir."

A man was diagnosed with cancer.

Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"

Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."

Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"

Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."

Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"

Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."

Arkansas ranks highly among other states in terms of depression and adultery

It's a sad state of affairs.

Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .

What's the inverse of Kansas?

Arkansas

What's the first thing a 16 yr old, from Arkansas, says after sex?

Get off me Pa you're crushing my Copenhagen!

Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls?

Family reunions.

Why don't any pirates live in Kansas?

Because they all live in *Ar*kansas.

Why are people from Arkansas so good at Science?

Because they use the Theory of Relativity to find a partner.

Her Family

A guy from Arkansas goes to New York for the first time and meets the woman of his dreams. She happily agrees when he asks her to marry him, and they go down to Arkansas to plan the wedding.

At the wedding, her brother tells the groom "You'd better be gentle with her, she's a virgin..."

The groom suddenly runs all over the place shouting "The wedding's off! Everyone out!!" waving his arms all over in total dismay.

His mother comes running up and asks what in the world the problem is.

He says "well, ma, she's a virgin!!"

His mother says "so what?"

... "Well, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!!"

Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

They all live in Arkansas

Have you heard of the Arkansas shuffle?

That's where you have to sneak out of your sisters bed in the middle of the night and crawl back into mom's bed before she knows you where gone.

TIL: The toothbrush was invented in Arkansas.

Had it been invented anywhere else, they would have called it the teethbrush.

A feller from Arkansas went to Tennessee.

While he was there he met a girl and they fell in love. Eventually they got married and went on their honeymoon. They are about to do the deed when she tells him she is a virgin, that she has saved herself for him. He gets flustered and doesn't know what to do, so he gets up and goes back home to ask his parents what to do. After explaining about his new bride being a virgin, his father says, "You done right. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for you!"

How do people from Arkansas celebrate Halloween?

They pumpkin!

So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

What did Tennesee??

What Arkansas..

How can you tell you're at a traditional Arkansas wedding?

No one has to tell the bride welcome to the family .

Arkansas

3 million people, 15 last names

Old Clinton joke

President Clinton is visiting his home state of Arkansas and picks up two razorback pigs from a local breeder.

As he's walking onto Air Force one with a pig under each arm he asks to the marine saluting him, "you ever see such beautiful creatures in your whole life?" ... "No sir, I have not. If I may ask, sir, why did you get the pigs?" Clinton responds, "well I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." ... "Excellent trade sir!!"

An F5 tornado went through Arkansas last week...

It did $150 million worth of improvements.

What do you call Kansas overrun by pirates?

Arkansas

What do you call Kansas with a gun?

Arkansas

I hear a lot of raunchy jokes working in the trades.

This is probably the dirtiest one so far. Fair warning.

Ol' boy in Arkansas was visiting his cousin, and she said "Your dick tastes like shit today"
He said "well its your fault ya know!"
"How so?" She asks
"Well I came by yesterday and the only person home was your brother!"

The power went out at a mall in Arkansas once.

People were stuck on the escalator for hours.

I saw a great job advertisement the other day.

It was written by a carpenter from Little Rock.

He only wrote one line, under 'special skills':

"Arkansas."

What are the funniest arkansas jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Arkansas? Well, here are the best Arkansas puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Arkansas pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes