Arguments Jokes

Following is our collection of equally humor and arg one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arguments puns for adults, dirty evidence jokes or clean convince gags for kids.

There is an abundance of dispute jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes on arguments. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any arguement witze you can hear about arguments.

The Best jokes about Arguments

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

"You da bomb." "No, you da bomb"

America: compliments


Syria: arguments

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Because they had constant arguments.

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.


Why can't programmers maintain good relationships?

They have a lot of arguments.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

PUNS & BAR JOKES

Why did I invest all of my money into the coin factory?
Because it made cents.

Did you hear about the swiss cheese debate?
The arguments are full of holes.

Did you hear about the flutist who got hit in the face with a banana cream pie?
He is now called the pie'd piper.

So, a pun sprints into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve puns here", so the pun dashes out. The bartender then remarks "Huh, must've been a running joke."

So a pun, a play on words, and an anecdote walk into a bar. No joke.

God enjoys a good laugh!!

(found on my FB newsfeed)

**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**

* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**

* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**

* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**

* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**

* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.

**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**

* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.

**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**

* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN!!

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES : THESE REALLY WORK!!

 

 

 

 

 

                        1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

 

 

                        2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT-    USE THE SINK.

 

 

 

                        3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

 

 

 

                        4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

 

 

                        5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

 

 

                        6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – OIL AND DUCT TAPE.    IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE OIL.     IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

 

 

                        7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

 

 

                        DAILY THOUGHT:

 

 

 

                        SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.


I counted the times I was right in arguments with my girlfriend. I was right 1450 times and she was right 675 times.

She said it was very childish of me to count that. She was right about that, but that still leaves her at 676.

Why can programmers become good lawyers too?

Because they know how to pass arguments.

My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.

I really hate arguments about fractions.

They're divisive.

Why did the computer split up with the programming language.

Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

- You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

- Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!

- You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem.

- You can normally focus better with one eye closed.

- The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar.

- You fall off the floor sometimes.

- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

- Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you.

- At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name.

- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

- The whole bar greets you when you come in.

- You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass.

- That damned pink elephant followed you home again!

I tried arguing with the table salesman at the furniture store.

He kept making strong counter arguments, though.

I always get the last word in arguments with my girlfriend.

I just say "Yes ma'am"


I've heard all the environmental activists' arguments for banning plastic products...

and they're really just grasping at straws.

What do you call a guy with a lisp who likes to jack off during math arguments?

A math debater.

I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesus's will.

I thought wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It's a mellow drama.

A so-called friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion regarding what to do with all of the plastic waste we are generating. I decided we couldn't be friends when he brought up straws.

I can't be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

I used to clap at people when I would get into arguments but then my black co worker told me that that's cultural appropriation

So I changed my name to Darnell and started curling my hair

I like my arguments the way I like my penises

Long and drawn out

Why do mimes always lose arguments?

They don't have a say in anything!

My wife and I haven't stopped fighting since the furnace broke

Well, at least the arguments are getting heated

I'm undefeated in Facebook arguments

My record is 0-0-1498

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert Einstein, John F Kennedy and God are on holiday

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Albert Einstein, John F Kennedy and God are on holiday
at the Kennedy compound on Cape Cod.

One a rainy afternoon Einstein suggests they play a game.

So they get out the card table and setup. God suggests Poker, Einstein 500 and Kennedy Blackjack.

After a ten minutes of arguments, Schwarzenegger says "Why don't we just play Yahtzee?"

At that God gets up and storms out.
Kennedy turns to Einstein and ask "What was that about?"
Einstein says "God does not play dice with Mr Universe"

Which Jewish family member finishes all arguments?

...Aunty Semitic

Had a debate with a flat-earther today. Although I wasn't totally convinced

...he put up well-rounded arguments

Double amputees must be real bad at arguments.

After all, they don't have one leg to stand on

An American, a Frenchman and an Italian go hiking in the Alps...

An American, a Frenchman and an Italian go hiking together in the Alps.

On the hike the three keep trying to find similarities between them, but always end getting into arguments.

After a ways, the Frenchman and the Italian decide to take a quick break to take a leak. As they both leave the trail, the American calls after them Hey, I know something you both have in common!

Cos'è quello, what's that..?! Replies the Italian over his shoulder.

C'est Quoi? Replies the Frenchman from the other side of the trail.

The American shouts out European!

What do hurricanes do when they lose arguments?

They storm off.

(I remembered this one when I saw the "from when I was seven" post)

Every marriage counselor should be replaced by robots...

because they take arguments and return values.

Wanting to understand them better, I just spent an afternoon reviewing the arguments of anti-vaxxers, and you know what...

... they still make me sick.

What do you call an animal that eats all the arguments of the question and replies "Yes"?

An InclusiveOr.

A blonde went to a ventriloquist show....

And the ventriloquist kept making blonde jokes. As the evening progressed the blonde got madder and madder until she couldn't take it any more.

She stood up and yelled at the ventriloquist.

Listen, I am sick and tired of the blonde jokes. I am an attorney in a successful law firm. I have had arguments in the top courts and am a well regarded member of the society.

The ventriloquist felt bad and began to apologize but before he could the blonde interrupted him.

Saying, Hey! You stay out of this. This is between me and the guy on your knee!

Circular arguments are such a waste of time...

They are just pointless

Why did Steve Jobs hate arguments with Bill Gates?

He could never WinThose

Sometimes I have imaginary arguments in the shower.

They are all heated arguments.

Christmas time is a time of giving, not receiving.

Which causes arguments between gay couples every year.

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes