Argument Jokes
129 argument jokes and hilarious argument puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about argument that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laughter is always the best medicine, but sometimes humor can be used to diffuse a sticky situation. Read on to learn about the clever use of argument jokes to get your spouse to concede and a friend to intervene. Whether you are locked in a heated debate with your spouse or getting cold stares from your parents, you'll find out how to use Woomba jokes to your advantage.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Argument Short Jokes
Short argument jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The argument humour may include short arguing jokes also.
- "You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
- I got into an argument with my daughter and she shouted, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9!" I asked her, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She said, "I'm so mad, I can't even!" - For those of you wondering what it's like to be married I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
- During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line. Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.
- My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
- Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator. I was wrong on so many levels.
- In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- If I had the power of invisibility, I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"
- It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution You're just comparing apples and origins
- My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
Share These Argument Jokes With Friends
Argument One Liners
Which argument one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with argument? I can suggest the ones about aspect and props.
- What's Obama say to Biden when he leaves the room after a argument? Good bi-den
- What's the most persuasive argument against democracy? "Have you ever worked in retail?"
- What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
- "You da bomb." "No, you da bomb" America: compliments
Syria: arguments - What is a misogynist? A misogynist is anyone winning an argument with a feminist.
- How to win an argument with a deaf girl? Turn off the lights.
- Wives are amazing magicians... They can turn anything into an argument.
- I win every argument I have with my chinese friend... He's wong, and I'm white.
- Why did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
- Why can't programmers maintain good relationships? They have a lot of arguments.
- What is the flat earthers greatest fear? A well rounded argument.
- When I get into an argument with my wife, I always get the last word "Yes, dear"
- A laser and a microwave got into an argument I heard it got pretty heated.
- You can't win an argument with a chicken. It's logic is impeccable.
- In every argument there's always the denier.. It's definitely not me.
Husband Wife Argument Jokes
Here is a list of funny husband wife argument jokes and even better husband wife argument puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down...
- In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband... - I should have married the devil instead of you!
- Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden! - A man and his wife have an argument which ends in a fight Husband: So disappointing, it finished less than a minuet after it started
Wife: Now you know how I feel.
Entertaining Argument Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about argument you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean essay jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make argument pranks.
A couple just had their first son , the husband is half irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..
After much argument they decided on the name.
Ravi O'Lee
I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign
And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.
I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The other night my wife and I had an argument, and by the end of it I had that woman on her knees!
She was saying, 'Come out from under the bed, you coward.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.
The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."
The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"
The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"
The second says, exasperated, "What the h**... is a DhD??"
The first cackles, "You're some doc if you don't know what ADHD is!"
Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.
They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.
"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Plot Twist
A hotel receptionist gets a call*
Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.
Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.
My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...
for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.
Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"
The debates flipped gender roles.
Last night we saw an argument between a woman who wanted to talk facts, and a man who only wanted to talk about his feelings.
My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen
but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Pope and an atheist are having an argument
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?
The credible hulk
Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.
It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling his old self.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
A couple got into an argument...
A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.
As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:
"Relatives of yours?"
The man replied:
"In-laws."
A dad and his daughter are having an argument...
The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".
Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".
Husband and wife having an argument
Husband and wife are having an argument and the wife says "It would have been better if I married to the devil instead of you!". The husband looks at his wife and goes "That's inbreeding."
My wife and I are going with Granite countertops for our new kitchen.
I don't even like the look of Granite all that much but honestly I just couldn't think of a counter-argument.
A maintenance matter
A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."
The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
A dad and his son get into a big argument one day
DAD: Go to your room right now
SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN'T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST
DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"
What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?
Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, You aren't that good in bed either!
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?
I was in bed.
What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?
Getting a second opinion
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?
The Adhomineminal snowman
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling
And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"
After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.
Smart waitress
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
What's a Racist, Homophobe, Sexist, Bigot, or Hater?
Anyone winning an argument with a liberal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...
I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a c**... now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"
"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."
My wife said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic..
I said, 'I think you mean fewer arguments'
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An order of monks are selling flowers...
...illegally on the lawn of the p**... Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...
"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....
The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?
About 70 years
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for s**...!"
I replied, "Well what you expect?"
"Love and support!" She shouted in response.
"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
God and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said God . "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.
Neither of them work.
How do you like your steak
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the end of our last argument, my wife was on her hands and knees before me!
And then she said: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"
He's a good boy.
A teenage girl is having a heated argument with her mother about her boyfriend, whom the mother does not like at all. "You can ground me, you can take my cell phone, but I am still seeing Roger". "I don't think he's any good" said mom. "He is too a good boy, why else would he be doing 200 hours of community service?".
Two martial artists...
...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen feinted.
Only programmers will get this one:
Why did the functions stop calling each other?
Ans: Because they had too many arguments.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Xbox Live has made me a better parent
My son can never win an argument after I tell him I banged his mom.
Chrome and Microsoft edge were having an argument when suddenly...
Microsoft edge stopped responding
A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...
The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.
They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.
Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch some of the falling moisture. "It is drizzle," he declared.
The husband, a little put out by losing the argument, complained. "And why are we accepting our neighbors judgement?"
"Because," the wife replied, "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."
Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say you're right .
Person 2: What do you mean, that's never going to work.
Person 1: You're right...
Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head
Thank God it was a soft drink
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple in an old people's home we're having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a h**....
Margaret said to Egbert 'What does Dorothy have that I don't?
Egbert replied 'Parkinsons'.
