The Best 79 Argue Jokes

there'r female hormones in beer

So I found out there'r female hormones in beer, cause when you drink beer you argue over trivial things, you don't make any sense, you start to cry and you can't drive anymore.

I could argue that someone passing out in the punchline enhances the joke,

but that would be faint praise indeed.

I was Jesus last time!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

Next time somebody tries to argue using statistics....

Remind them that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."

Why shouldn't you argue with a 90 degree angle?

It's always right.

Three old-timers sitting on a bench...

The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."

After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."

After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

So I was on tindr today and someone offered me a $125/hr "girlfriend experience"

So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?

If 2 vegetarians argue...

... do they have beef?

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

Trying to argue with someone over text is like being Italian and trying to talk with handcuffs on

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."

But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.

Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.

Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

A 108 year old man was interviewed for the first time today.

The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."

Why should you not argue with a decimal?

Because decimals always have a point.

I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack

And buried him in it.

When men and women argue who's the most stubborn...

Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore.

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

Why doesn't one argue with π?

Because π is purely irrational.

As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day"

Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

A man sits at a bar crying

The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?"
He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year."
"That's terrible", the barkeeper replied.
The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"

"I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all."

"No you won't."

"Yeah I will"

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

Isn't it funny

how a woman can argue nonstop for 3 hours
but 2 minutes into a blowjob,and her jaw hurts

Why can't you argue with an indian ?

Because you can't have beef with them.

Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot?

Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

Two med students are walking down the street...

When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

Some people have platonic relationships. Me and my wife have a Socratic one

We argue all the time

Why don't Hindus argue with each other?

Because they can't have beef

My friend and I were arguing

And I was really getting tired of the argument.

So I wrote my name on a page in my notebook and wrote his beside mine.

I then showed it to him. With confusion clearly written on his face he asks:
"Why did you write my name beside yours. How does that relate to our argument"

And then I replied: "we don't have to argue anymore since we're already on the same page".

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

People argue that whether gender and sex are the same thing

I can I show you that they are not.

I have a gender but I have never had sex.

A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"

The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."

The man says: "I disagree."

The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."

Why don't you put a post office next to a liberal arts college?

They'll always argue over the male agenda.

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

I never argue with my brother for the front seat

Last time i called shotgun, he drew one

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

Why don't vegans argue with each other?

They don't want any beef.

Hitler absolutely hated when people would argue minor details or quibble with him.

He was very anti-semantic

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?

Because they're not thinking straight.

Three engineers argue about who designed the human body

"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."

"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.

"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed the third engineer. "It was a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a toxic pipeline through the middle of a recreational area."

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,

Well what does that leave you with?

Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

how did the arguement between the electricians come to an end?

they found common ground

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.

I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, Remember, argue with facts and not curses.

So now I'm APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on.

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old? Ray replies, It's easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.

The reporter is not impressed. That's insane! he says. It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or 'something.' Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 110 years! Ray looks at the reporter and says, Y'know, maybe you're right.

An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

Whats the only group of people that cant argue

Vegans. They don't want the beef

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .

Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me

An arm and a leg

….what can I get for a rib?

I want it my way

I told my wife she can only get an iPhone, but if she isn't going to get one then I'm just getting her a cheap Android phone. She tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't have it.

I said, "Baby... it's my way or the Huawei."

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

- In a scale 1 to 10, how much do you like to argue?

\- Would it be possible to make the scale from 1 to 20?

\- No

\- Why not?!

What do vegetarian geneticists argue over?

Over genes

My daughter yelled at me: "Two wrongs don't make a right!"

I yelled back: "Two rights make a reverse!"

She was too confused to argue with me anymore.

If two vegans argue

Is it still considered beef?

I really don't like when people argue about which math is the best.

I just really hate the division.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Politicians can't change lightbulbs, they will just leave everyone waiting in the dark while they argue about which brand the lightbulb ought to be.

Be first

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

I must be very unlucky

every time I argue with someone on reddit it's with someone who's already a professional in that subject! never knew redditors were so smart

Never argue with left handed people.

They're not right.