Following is our collection of comparison humor and discuss one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Argue puns for adults, dirty beliefs jokes or clean opportunist gags for kids.
There is an abundance of disagreement jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes on argue. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any jango witze you can hear about argue.
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."
The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."
The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."
Because they can't have beef
The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."
Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...
'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.
At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.
After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'
How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.
A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
Three blondes are walking through the woods. Suddenly, they stumble upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "I think they're moose tracks!" The others disagree. The second blonde says, "You're wrong! They're bear tracks!" The third one, tired of hearing the other two argue, says "You're both wrong! They're obviously wolf tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
They stumble upon some tracks
Blonde one says these are deer tracks
Blonde two says no these are raccoon tracks
They argue and argue until they get hit by a train...
The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, and says, "Well, surely that can't be the only reason you've lived this long! Don't you think it has more to do with your diet or exercise regime?" The old man thinks about about it for a moment, and answers back, "You know, maybe you're right."
Remind them that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
... do they have beef?
And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sidesβ¦
I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.
A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother, who was also a Sunday School teacher, saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, If Jesus were sitting here, he would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus.
Because decimals always have a point.
Two blondes are going on a nature walk, but only a few wrong turns and they completely lose their way. They try to find their way again, but they become even more lost. After a few hours, they begin to panic, but before long, they come across some tracks. They figure they can follow them to safety. After a few minutes of following them, the first blonde says, "It's good we found these bear tracks."
The second one says, "You mean moose tracks."
They stop and argue about it for five minutes. Then, a train hits them.
Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.
Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.
Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
A couple was married 60 years. They kept no secrets from each other. The wife, however, had a shoebox that she told her husband to never open, which he didn't. But when the wife was dying, the man asked if he could now look inside. She said yes. In it, he found two crocheted dolls and $20,000. He asked her about it. My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage is to never argue. She said if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll. The husband was moved to tears, for only two dolls were in the box. But, Honey, what about the money? Oh, she said, that's what I made from selling all the other dolls.
and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."
Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."
So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims
So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
It's always right.
The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."
So I found out there'r female hormones in beer, cause when you drink beer you argue over trivial things, you don't make any sense, you start to cry and you can't drive anymore.
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"you're really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an F in sex"
So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?
The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?"
He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year."
"That's terrible", the barkeeper replied.
The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"
The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."
The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"
The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."
And I'm all out of children...
They come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says these are moose tracks! The second blonde replies those are definitely bear tracks. I've never even seen a moose around here. The first blonde says nope, those are certainly moose tracks. I just saw a moose yesterday. So they continue to argue for another half hour until they get hit by the train.
They don't want any beef.
but that would be faint praise indeed.
We argue all the time
Last time i called shotgun, he drew one
...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:
"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"
..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely raccoon tracks. The third blonde then decides to argue her case and claims the tracks belong to a beaver. The three are still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hits them.
The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."
After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."
After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in sex"
Because Ο is purely irrational.
He was very anti-semantic
Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.
... in Poland. He announced that he had withdrawn his entire fortune, 100,000 zlotys, from the bank, invested it in gold bars, and put them into a safe in his house.
This was back when a zloty was worth something, so the other patrons immediately started to argue with him:
"You're an idiot! What if you get robbed? It's much safer in the bank."
"The banks are about to fail," he responded.
"But they can't fail, they're backed by the Polish government!"
"... which doesn't have so much as a grosz and you know it. The government will fall apart along with the banks."
"Fair enough," the other patrons answered, "but our friends the Russians will bail us out."
"The Russian government isn't so stable either. What if it should collapse too?"
"Well, wouldn't that be worth 100,000 zlotys?"
The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."
how a woman can argue nonstop for 3 hours
but 2 minutes into a blowjob,and her jaw hurts
So the priest says to the philosopher condescendingly: "Look friend, what you're doing is, you're looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that simply isn't there."
The philosopher thinks for a minute, nodding his head, and answers, "You're right, but I do it almost exactly like you. You too are looking in a pitch-black room with blinded eyes for a black cat that isn't there - but you then go on and try to make everyone believe that you found it."
But the jury preferred the term "rapist."
They'll always argue over the male agenda.
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, "What for?"
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.
The lawyer, thinking he knows everything about the law says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.
The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.
When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"
They make it back to the small airport nearby, and argue with the pilot about flying home.
"There's no way my plane is gonna make it anywhere with that huge moose in it!" says the pilot.
"We had this same argument last year with a pilot, and he flew us out of here." says one of the hunters.
The pilot mulled it over a little, and doubled his price, but agreed to take them on.
Everything gets loaded up, and the pilot does a shaky take-off, but manages to get into the air. Unfortunately, he doesn't make it far before the load becomes too much for the plane, and they crash land back into the woods.
Luckily, everyone survives, and as the second hunter stumbles out of the wreckage, he asks the first, "How far did we make it?"
The first looks around and says, "About 100 feet further than last year."
"No you won't."
"Yeah I will"
Because you can't have beef with them.
And I was really getting tired of the argument.
So I wrote my name on a page in my notebook and wrote his beside mine.
I then showed it to him. With confusion clearly written on his face he asks:
"Why did you write my name beside yours. How does that relate to our argument"
And then I replied: "we don't have to argue anymore since we're already on the same page".
I replied "no it can't."
Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
And buried him in it.
I can I show you that they are not.
I have a gender but I have never had sex.
And argue who has the best submarines.
The french says: Our submarines can las a whole week under water.
The english man says: Our submarines can last two weeks under water.
The american says: Well our submarines can last a whole month under water.
Near them a submarin emerges from the water and a man comes out of it and asks: Heil, is the war over?
Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!
All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below.
The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares,
* That's still two against three! *
2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.
Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have
Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a scientist
Drunk construction worker guy spins around and says "both you broads are wrong, a plumber designed the human body"
The 2 women look confused and asked the construction worker how so. His reply? "Only a plumber is stupid enough to put the waste disposal through the main organ"
But it's impossible to argue with a dumb person.
2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.
The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.
The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.
(Thought of this in the shower. It's a little cheesy)
She never sees the end of it.
A guy is walking in the forest when all of the sudden two spears are thrown at him and kill him. Two cannibals emerge from the forest and argue over the body. They go back and forth for a while over who is going to get to eat the man when they finally decide to split it. One looks at the other and says, "We'll start at opposite ends and meet in the middle, that way neither of us eats more than the other." So they proceed to eat. A while later one guy is gnawing away at the head when he asks the other guy how its going. he replies, "Oh im having a ball!" to which the other says, "Slow down you're eating too fast!"
Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, smiling: "Everything went well: I have two $30 banknotes."
I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!
It's like trying to teach a pigeon chess.
When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.
Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
He said to consider the following.
It's a terrible reason to fallout for.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.