The Best 78 Argue Jokes

there'r female hormones in beer

So I found out there'r female hormones in beer, cause when you drink beer you argue over trivial things, you don't make any sense, you start to cry and you can't drive anymore.

I could argue that someone passing out in the punchline enhances the joke,

but that would be faint praise indeed.

I was Jesus last time!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

Next time somebody tries to argue using statistics....

Remind them that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian replies "True, true, I can't argue with that, but we thought of having it with women."

Why shouldn't you argue with a 90 degree angle?

It's always right.

Three old-timers sitting on a bench...

The first sighs heavily, and says, "Looks like rain."

After an hour, the second says, "Hmmm, not sure."

After another hour the third gets up painfully and says, "If you two are going to argue, then I'm off."

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

How to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself and how to not argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

So I was on tindr today and someone offered me a $125/hr "girlfriend experience"

So she expects me to pay her 125 an hour to argue with me in the middle of an Applebee's!?

If 2 vegetarians argue...

... do they have beef?

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'

Trying to argue with someone over text is like being Italian and trying to talk with handcuffs on

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

I had an arguement with a philosophy major

I told him NO, I don't want avocado on my footlong!

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

It's hard to argue with a spear

I mean, it's got a point.

I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."

But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

And that's why I never argue with my wife.

Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.

Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.

Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.

Never argue with an Archeologist

Theyll just keep digging up the past

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

A 108 year old man was interviewed for the first time today.

The reporter asked him what was his secret to such longevity, and he answered with a simple, "I never argue." "It cannot be as simple as that" replied the reporter. To which retorted the Elder, "You know, you must be right."

Why should you not argue with a decimal?

Because decimals always have a point.

I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack

And buried him in it.

When men and women argue who's the most stubborn...

Then men concede they are are, because they just don't want to argue this anymore.

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

Why doesn't one argue with π?

Because π is purely irrational.

Never argue with somebody legally blind about spear fighting...

they can hardly see your point.

As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day"

Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

A man sits at a bar crying

The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?"
He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year."
"That's terrible", the barkeeper replied.
The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"

"I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all."

"No you won't."

"Yeah I will"

Have a good day

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day.

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

Isn't it funny

how a woman can argue nonstop for 3 hours
but 2 minutes into a blowjob,and her jaw hurts

Why can't you argue with an indian ?

Because you can't have beef with them.

Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot?

Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

My friend was trying to argue why cults are actually good for society.

He said to consider the following.

Two med students are walking down the street...

When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet.

I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne.

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and especially liking the sphere, accepts it.

He presses the Sphere and suddenly he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades in hand.

The Greeks spot him and yell 'BarberIan'.

My wife got into a car crash

The Cops suspended her licence, and slapped her with a fine. She tried to argue that the guy was drinking and speaking on the phone. The Cops didn't care, they said he has a full right to do what he wants on his own front porch.

Two developers are working on a simulation when it suddenly goes haywire before returning to normal

Dev 1: Did you see that? I think the simulation just broke for a second.
Dev 2: I think it's more accurate to say it glitched.
Dev 1: Dude, I'm not about to argue over sim antics.

Speaking from experience, don't argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It's a terrible reason to fallout for.

Me and my blind wife always argue.

She never sees the end of it.

two blondes want to forge banknotes

Two blondes want to forge banknotes. They can't decide whether to forge $50 or $100 banknotes - they argue a little and then they settle to a compromise: to forge $60 banknotes. They want to first test it on their blonde neighbour: so one of them goes to the neighbour - after a while she returns, smiling: "Everything went well: I have two $30 banknotes."

Some people have platonic relationships. Me and my wife have a Socratic one

We argue all the time

Don't try using analogies to argue with others.

It's like trying to teach a pigeon chess.

Why don't Hindus argue with each other?

Because they can't have beef

My friend and I were arguing

And I was really getting tired of the argument.

So I wrote my name on a page in my notebook and wrote his beside mine.

I then showed it to him. With confusion clearly written on his face he asks:
"Why did you write my name beside yours. How does that relate to our argument"

And then I replied: "we don't have to argue anymore since we're already on the same page".

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

People argue that whether gender and sex are the same thing

I can I show you that they are not.

I have a gender but I have never had sex.

A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"

The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."

The man says: "I disagree."

The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."

It's hard to argue with a smart person

But it's impossible to argue with a dumb person.

Kids Argue who's dad is tallest!

Three kids showing off whos dad is tallest,

Kid 1 : my dad is as tall as empire state building.

Kid 2 : oh yeah? Well my dad is taller than the sky, even higher than the moon.

Kid 3: oh yeah? Does your dad reach and touch the planets up there?

Kid 2 : yeah of course

Kid 3: those are my dads balls.

Why should you never argue with a decimal?

It's because they always have a point.

Why don't you put a post office next to a liberal arts college?

They'll always argue over the male agenda.

2 squares and 2 circles

2 squares were in an argument and 2 circles were in an argument.

The squares were arguing over who was hotter, even though they were both 90 degrees.

The 2 circles argue all the time so the argument was pretty pointless.

I never argue with my brother for the front seat

Last time i called shotgun, he drew one

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

Why don't vegans argue with each other?

They don't want any beef.

Hitler absolutely hated when people would argue minor details or quibble with him.

He was very anti-semantic

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Why can't you argue with the LGBT community?

Because they're not thinking straight.

Three engineers argue about who designed the human body

"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."

"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.

"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed the third engineer. "It was a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a toxic pipeline through the middle of a recreational area."

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,

Well what does that leave you with?

Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!

how did the arguement between the electricians come to an end?

they found common ground

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

My Neighbor Is Trying To Argue That Spheres Have Corners

I don't listen to his ramblings because they're pointless.

I saw my friends having a screaming match with each other so I told them, Remember, argue with facts and not curses.

So now I'm APPARENTLY banned from the Witches Gatherings from now on.

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.