We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."
Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all fucking liars.
A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.
A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"
The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".
The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"
The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.
"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"I do not, sir!".
All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
When he noticed the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla.
After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting more frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down the janitor of the zoo and says to him "Steve, I have to ask you a big favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla. It's worth 2000 dollars."
The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.
"Condition the first..." says the janitor "is that no one cam ever know."
"Second... I don't have to kiss her."
"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."
(*I heard this from a friend, sorry if it is a repost.*)
A group of blonde people decided to get together and hold a blonde convention to prove that blondes aren't dumb. They invited all the blonde people in the area.
In the middle of the event, they chose one random person from the crowd to answer questions, to prove she could answer them as well as anybody else.
"What is twelve plus three?" asked the interviewer.
"Nineteen," she responded. The interviewer felt very uncomfortable, however, the crowd was still supportive. To help get the girl's confidence back up, they shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
"I'm going to ask you another question," said the interviewer. "What is ten times five?"
The blonde was sure she would get it right this time. "Sixty!" she said.
The interviewer shook her head, but again, the crowd cheered, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The interviewer said, "I'm going to give you one last chance. This will be a very easy question. What is two plus one?"
"Three!" said the blonde, happy to get a question she could finally answer correctly.
The interviewer was about to congratulate when she was interrupted by the cheering of the crowd: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.
"What happened?" asks the husband
"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."
"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.
"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."
"You confronted him?"
"No, I gave her $50."
A young Corporal is sitting in the smoking area having a cigarette, when a brand new Lieutenant walks up him. The Lieutenant asks "Corporal, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal replies "Yea, sure buddy, one second." Hearing this, the Officer grows cross. "Corporal, I am a Commissioned Officer and you will address me appropriately. Stand up straight, get that smoke out of your mouth, and try again. Now, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal stands straight up, looks directly to his front and yells "SIR, I DO NOT, SIR!"
I'm making little things count.
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!
called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.
A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.
While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the man walks inside to check it out.
He walks up to the storekeeper behind the counter and he begins to ask him about his product.
"I've never heard of double flavored apples, how can there be such a thing?" he asks.
The storekeeper replies, "They are exactly as advertised, good sir. My specialty! Think of any combination of flavors, and we have an apple for it!"
Still skeptical, the man asks for a sample. "I must try one before I can believe you" he says.
The storekeeper is happy to oblige, and hands him a carefully selected apple from behind the counter. The man takes a bite.
"Peaches!" he exclaims. "I definitely didn't expect that."
The storekeeper then smiles and says "That's only the half of it. Now flip it over and take another bite."
So the man flips it over and takes another bite, and his eyes widen. "Tastes like cream! Peaches and cream! This is brilliant! Are you telling me that every apple in this store is flavored like this?"
The storekeeper is now very pleased. He hands the man another apple and tells him to take another bite.
"Strawberries!" The man is now speechless.
The storekeeper says "Now flip it over."
"Chocolate! Chocolate covered strawberries! This is the most amazing thing ever!"
The storekeeper says "We have all kinds of flavors here. Anything you want, we've got it!"
Still baffled and a little unsure, the man asks "Any flavor I want? Are you certain about this?"
The storekeeper confidently replies "Yessir! Anything you can think of, we've got it!"
"Anything??"
"Yes! Just try me."
The man then thinks really hard for a moment, and comes up with something. He says "Well, there's one thing I haven't tasted in a very, very long time. I would really like to taste some good pussy again. If you can get me one that tastes like some really good pussy, I'll finally believe you."
The storekeeper is now delighted, and says "Ah, sir, you're in luck! I have just the thing for you! Wait here." Then, he goes into the back room. Minutes later, he comes out with a perfectly shaped, shiny red apple. "Here," he says excitedly, "try this!"
Equally delighted, the man takes the apple, and takes a large bite. He chews it slowly for a moment, but his face quickly turns sour and spits the apple out in disgust.
"Shit!! This apple tastes like total shit! What the hell is this you gave me??"
The storekeeper then says, "Ah, now flip it over..."
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.
The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"
The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.
The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"
The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.
The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said "Well, one time I was lost..."
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
There was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goes to take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. Half & hour minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't worry they were all dead so I buried them." The policeman gets confused and asks if he is 100% sure and farmer replies "Yeah some of them said things like "I'm alive, please stop!" but you know the politicians right? They are all fucking liars...!
So the staff call a meeting to see how they can bring their numbers down. They decide a test is in order.
Unfortunately, traditional Q&A testing didn't yield the kind of results they wanted so they get creative and paint a door on the wall of the lounge area.
The next day they wait and watch to see which patients fall for it. Soon there are lines of crazy people trying to open the fake door. Some resist but still look on in bewildered curiosity except for one man in the corner of the room laughing hysterically. They approach him and ask what he finds so amusing...
Patient: "All the lunatics trying to open that door over there. That's pretty funny"
The staff starts to get excited. This seems promising.
Doctor: "Their behavior seems foolish to you huh?"
Patient: "Downright stupid if you ask me."
Doctor: "Can you please explain why?"
The patient motions for the doctor to come closer and whispers into his ear: "Because I have the key!"
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.
The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
God damn inflation.
On one particular farm he walks up to the farmer who was doing some work in one of his fields and says, "Sir, I'm from the DEA and I'm inspecting some farms in the area to make sure there are no illegal drugs being grown"
The farmer replies, "Alright, but just don't go in that field"
The DEA agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this fucking badge! This means I can go wherever the fuck I want to"
The farmer says, "Alright, suit yourself"
The DEA agent walks off and a few minutes later he's being chased through the field by a bull. The farmer drops his tools and runs to the fence yelling, "Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"
Two guys are walking down the side of the road in a rural area somewhere. All of a sudden, in the middle of the road, a huge hole appears. Curious, the two men peer down inside to see how deep it goes, but can't see the bottom. One saunters to the side of the road to find a pebble, throws it in, and listens; they don't hear it hit bottom. The other goes to the side to find a larger rock, throws it in, and listens; they still don't hear it hit bottom. They look at each other, and go find a log off to the side of the road, roll it in, and wait for it to hit bottom. All of a sudden, a goat runs out of the woods at high speed, and jumps down the hole. They look at each other quizzically, shrug, and keep walking. A few minutes later, an exasperated farmer steps onto the road out of the brush. He looks at the men and asks "Have either of you seen a goat around here?" The men look at the farmer and say "Yes, actually. A goat came out of the woods back there and jumped into this giant hole." The farmer replies "That couldn't have been my goat; my goat was tied to a log."
"Mom, what's a pussy?," the boy asks.
The mom gets a little flustered and abruptly answers. "A cat! It's a cat, sweetie."
"Mom, what's a bitch?"
Again, caught off guard but with only slight hesitation, the mother answers, "A dog. It's a dog, sweetie."
Having a feeling that he's not getting the whole story, he goes to ask dad.
"Dad, what's a pussy?"
Dad pulls out a nude photo of a woman. He circled the area. "You see what's inside the circle? That's a pussy, son."
"Dad, what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle, son."
all single girls in my area seems to have lost interest
And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.
All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.
I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.
"G'Day mate, what seems to be the bother?"
"Well, we were sunbathing nude and a hornet flew down and stung my girlfriend's crotch, and it's swollen up and turned a nasty colour, and I don't know what to do!"
"Bummer, mate."
"Thanks."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well...Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Because you could easily fit two more boobs down there.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.
- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.
- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?
- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
I just installed it and all the horny singles in my area has lost interest in me.
09:51 Find murder victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.
Help what do I do?
The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.
The doctor opened the first patient's door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn't have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.
The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.
Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, What disease does this man have? Oh, said the doctor, He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.
No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
And I didn't even know he was a barber.
"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....
-That's understandable grandpa... You were scared. What happened next?
-No... I mean I shat my pants right fucking now.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."
..at least they drive slowly in a school area.
The DaneGer zone!
I'll show myself out.
Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
A woman was in a coma in the hospital. One day a nurse was giving her a sponge bath, and as she was cleaning the woman's pelvic area, she noticed the EKG monitor reacting as she wiped around the woman's vagina.
Excitedly, the nurse called a Doctor, and told him what had happened.
The Doctor immediately called the woman's husband and told him to come in as soon as possible.
The man rushed right in, and asked the Doctor what was wrong.
"Well, Mr. Smith, I think we have some incredible news! While the nurse was giving your wife a sponge bath, she noticed a reaction when she was cleaning her private area."
"OK, so what do we do now?"
"Well, Mr. Smith, I am thinking that a great deal of stimulation would maybe serve to bring her all the way out of her coma."
"OK, so what do you need me to do?"
"I am thinking some oral sex would do the job. We'll leave you two alone, and wait outside, OK?" With that, the Doctor and his nurse left the room.
A couple of minutes later, they hear the EKG screaming an alarm, she was flat lining! They ran in, and tried to resuscitate her with CPR, but it was useless. Exhausted, the Doctor turned to Mr. Smith and asked "What happened?"
Mr. Smith shrugged his shoulders and said "I dunno, I guess she choked on it."
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.
The owner interrupts her and tells her that she go it all wrong. He says, that if a woman's husband is away, she can buy a dildo instead of cheating on her husband. If a woman is a widow, it's better to have a dildo rather than sleeping around with different men.
The old woman not convinced with his argument and starts ranting and rambling again.
The shop owner interrupts her again. This time, he tells her that she can choose any dildo she wants and she can have it for free.
The old woman thinks for a minutes and then points and says: I want that red one.
The shop owner replies: Easy woman, that's the fire extinguisher.
One of Microsoft's finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!
One day a group of businessmen were traveling to a meeting by train. The trip was going as usual, the passengers conversed and the meals were delivered. When the train entered an open area, it started rapidly slowing down causing everyone in it come flying across their seats. The train however didn't stop and to everyone's shock started derailing into the field. For a couple of horrifying minutes everyone were holding on to their lives as the train hurtled through the field, into the woods until it came back on tracks.
Shocked and infuriated, one of the businessman rushed to the operator:
"What the *fuck* just happened!?" He screamed.
"Hey listen" The operator tries to explain "I was driving as usual and then there was this dude came out of nowhere in the middle of the tracks.."
"SO YOU DERAILED THE TRAIN?!" Screams the man "YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN US ALL KILLED! I'm sorry but you had to run him over!"
"WELL I TRIED DAMMIT" Answers the operator "But the fucker ran into the woods."
She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After he was in the ground, she apologized, wiping her eyes, "I'm so sorry, it's just, I'm a gynecologist and I was imagining my own funeral."
Everyone had a good laugh, but then the proctologist fainted.
...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."
I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest
A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.
He asks the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, but according to this you have fourteen sons. Is this true?"
"Mmm-hmm. They's my boys."
"Well yes ma'am, I understand that, but why are all fourteen of them named 'Leroy.'"
"Well that just makes it easier for me. Whenever I wants my boys to come for breakfast, I jus' yell 'LEEROY!' and all my boys come running. Whenever I wants my boys to come for a bath, I jus' yell out 'LEEEROY!' and all my boys come a'running."
"Well then, ma'am," says the worker, "I guess that makes sense to me, but what do you do if you want to talk to just one of your sons?"
"Oh, I jus' call him by 'is *last* name."
Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.
Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."
Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."
Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."
*^\(the* *^joke* *^is* *^by* *^Robin* *^Williams,* *^I* *^think)*
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.
Frank finds the local medicine man who says that this snake IS deadly but if you grab the area and suck out the venom the victim will live.
Armed with this knowledge, Frank runs back to Bob.
"Bob! Bob!" Frank struggles to catch his breath. "I've got good news and bad news."
"Frank I could use some good news right now."
"I know how to get the venom out!"
"Oh man that's great! What's the bad news?"
"You're gonna die."
and just as the bear was about to catch him, they trip over a fabled genie's lamp. Having brushed the lamp, a genie appears and promises to grant the rabbit and bear three wishes each.
Before the rabbit has a chance to speak, the bear shoves him aside and tells the genie how hard it is to find a sow to fuck with there being more boars than sows in area, and wishes for all the bears in the forest to be female.
After the bear makes his wish, the rabbit thinks and asks for the genie to make him smarter; to be more strategic and clever than any other animal.
The instant the rabbit finishes his wish; the genie grants their first wish
The bear scoffs at the rabbit's wish and turns back to the genie. The bear admits that he was rather hasty on his first wish, and realizes that boars from another area could come and ruin his plan. He then wishes for every other bear in the world was a horny female.
The rabbit then wishes to be faster than any other animal in existence.
Again, the instant the rabbit finishes his wish; the genie grants their wish
Finally, the bear now know that there is no way he could satisfy all the women he will encounter, so he wishes that he was constantly horny and had the stamina to sexually pleasure as many sows as wants.
The rabbit begins stretching and warming himself up. When he finished, the rabbit says, I wish that bear was gay.
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
It's a no-fly zone.
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.
Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.
Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....
He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:
"Ha, found you, Newton!"
I. Newton responds while nodding:
"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"
He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."
He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.
Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.
Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:
"If I catch you, I have my way with you."
The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
...saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. Being unfamiliar with the area, they debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee or kissimmEE. The debate turned into an argument and they decided that when they got to the town they would ask one of the locals.
So they pulled into a fast food place on the main drag and went inside. Stepping up to the counter, the guy says, I know this may sound like an unusual request, but could you please very slowly and distinctly tell us where we are?
The clerk looks at him and slowly says Buuurrrrgerrrerrrr Kiiiiiiinggggh.
a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
City Joe moves out to the country to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. After purchasing some ranch land he surveys the area from his front porch. Up his driveway rumbles an old pick up truck. Out steps a middle aged man in a cowboy hat and wranglers.
"howdy", he says, "ya see that speck on the horizon? That's my house. Wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood."
"Gee, thanks" said the City Joe
"Well, didn't want you to feel left out, so there's gonna be a party at my house tomorrow night if'n you're interested."
"Sure, I love parties", said City Joe
"I should warn ya though, at these parties.....there's usually some drinkin'"
"Well I'm no stranger to that", said Joe
"After we get to drinkin'.......there's bound to be some fightin'"
City Joe was more nervous. "well, i'm not really a fighter, but I could handle myself.
"And after the drinkin' and fightin', there's probably gonna be some fuckin"
"Well that I can handle", said Joe, "What should I wear?"
"Don't rightly matter", said the stranger, "Just gon' be the two of us"
So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.
When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.
Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"
Just as he finishes saying that a---
No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.
This one is really all about the delivery.
he wants them deported immediately
Are all sitting in the waiting area of the ob/gyn. The brunette says, "I heard if he's on top you're going to have a boy." The red head says, "well I heard if she's on top you're going to have a girl."
The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush to her asking what's wrong.
Through tears and sobs she says, "I'm going to have puppies".
Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.
The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."
The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".
The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"
This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume
... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.
He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and inside his backpack there wasn't anything really valuable. So he starts hammering that lump to the ground. After a few minutes the backpack inside the carpet was flat and unnoticeable.
Later that afternoon the housewife gets home and is happy with the placing of the carpet. She goes to the kitchen to write him a check for the job well done and returns to him:
"Here, the check and your backpack that you left in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my cat"?
Because I'd like to find the area under your curves
In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS
...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."
The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"
(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)
Local police are looking into it.
The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.
The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.
The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"
Three friends are traveling cross country when their car breaks down in a rural area. Night comes and they cant restart their car and it is getting very cold. They see a house from a distance and decide to walk to the house to find shelter for the night.
Upon knocking on the door, a really old woman opens up. They explain their story to her. She thinks for a moment and says, "I will allow you three to stay inside my house on one condition. One of you have to make love to me". The three friends look at each other and feel the cold breeze behind them, and come to the conclusion that they have no choice.
They decided on who would be making love to the old woman through a game of rock, paper, and scissors. The youngest of the friends ends up taking the bullet. He goes upstairs and sees the old woman lying on her back, eyes shut, and her legs in the air saying "fuck me".
The young man, horrified at what he was seeing notices a bucket of corn on the edge of the bed. He uses the corn to fuck the old woman. After he was done, he tossed the corn outside through the window and went to sleep. The next day he wakes up and comes down stairs to his friends laughing at him. The young friend asks what's so funny? The other two respond, "while you were up there fucking granny, we were down here eating buttered corn".
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt.
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
Police are looking for Leeds.
(friend told me that one)
A truckload of wigs has lost control and tipped over on the highway........Police are still combing the area.
A police convention was going in Brazil. They also held a competition on who could locate, secure, and extract the dog first. The dog had been released two days before from an unknown location in the forest, and just to be sure that nobody took another dog in it's place, all other dogs were completely removed from the area.
The first country was the U.K., which quickly got their best satellites focused on the area, once they located the dog, they drop in an extraction team by helicopter, and brought the dog back in only 5 hours.
Next up was the U.S., which quickly used video footage and NSA technology, along with heat sensors to locate, extract, and return the dog in only 3 hours.
Finally the host country, Brazil, was up. Now, they don't have any fancy equipment or anything, so a group of special forces police called BOPE (pronounced Bop-pee) headed out. Within a half hour, they returned with a chicken. It's feathers were all over the place, and it's eyes looked like they would bulge out of it's face any second. Everyone starts wondering what the hell they brought a chicken for, when the BOPE captain looks at the chicken, and yells: "TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE, TELL THEM WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW" so the chicken goes "WOOF, WOOF".
*Looks around the immediate area*
We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.
The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.
I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."
"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese without springing the traps?"
"They didn't go near them," I replied. "They're sitting in the living room playing Scrabble."
A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"
The man said, "I have think she may have choked"
A Rabbi is stranded on a desert island. After years of solitude, he is finally rescued. His years of loneliness and the island's abundant resources have let him build many creature comforts. He shows his rescuers around the island.
"Here's my dining room," he says, pointing to an area with a palm-leaf roof.
"And here's my kitchen," he says, pointing to an area by the lagoon surrounded by stones.
"And here," he says, pointing to a beautiful hut, "is my synagogue where I go pray."
The rescuers see another building of equal beauty across the island. "What building is that over there?" they ask.
"Ugh, that's the other synagogue. You wouldn't catch me dead in there!"
He pointed at the area between her legs and said, "Mommy, what's that?"
Embarrassed, she replied, "That's where the Indian hit me with his tomahawk."
The young boy replied, "Wow, right in the cunt?!?"
Space
A Canadian woman lives with her family in a forest near the border with the US. One autumn morning, her son comes home from town holding a letter. He approaches the woman and says:
"According to this letter, the United States wants to consider this area as part of Montana. The Canadian government agrees, but says that since we're the only family living here, they want our permission to sign this land over to the US."
The woman jumps out of her chair and exclaims, "Where do I sign? I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!"
The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body."
The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
The spaghetto
Adblock has been so useful getting rid of advertisements, but for some reason all the single ladies in my area stopped wanting me
Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?
Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.
Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?
Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.
Clerk: Come again?
Woman: No, it's mustard this time.
A man is touring Spain and wanted to get a real taste of the culture, so he went into a small cafe near a bull-fighting area. He tells the waiter, "Give me your most authentic dish! I want the full Spanish experience." The waiter says, "Right away" and brings back two deep-fried dumplings about the size of soft balls. The man loves them and asks the waiter, "These were delicious! What kind of dumplings are they?" The waiter says, "Those weren't dumplings, they were the testicles of the bull that lost the fight today." The man is shocked, but the dish was so delicious that he decides he'll come back tomorrow for another course.
The next day the man goes back to the cafe and orders the dumplings again, only this time the waiter brings back two smaller ones the size of golf balls. The man once again loves them and asks the waiter, "These were great! But why are they smaller than the ones I had yesterday?" The waiter replies, "Sir, the bull doesn't always lose."
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
The woman is in a coma. One of the nuns notices that when she washes the woman's privates her vital signs start to kick in. This nun has the idea that if the woman would receive oral sex that she might come around. The nuns go out to the waiting area and find the woman's husband. They tell him of their idea and even though he is skeptical he eventually agrees and goes into the room. Moments later all the alarms start going off and everyone rushes into the room to find that the woman is dead. They ask the husband, "What happened?" He replies, "I don't know. I think she choked."
Due to the recent increase of encounters with grizzly and black bears in the area, all hikers should wear bells so you don't sneak up and startle nearby bears. Hikers should also carry pepper spray encase of an encounter. The two bears have different characteristics to their droppings and you can tell which is in the area. Black bear scat will be smaller and will have berries and squirrel fur in it. Grizzly scat will be larger, smell like pepper, and have bells in it.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.
I've been his customer for years, and i didn't even know he was a barber!
There are actually a ton of hot singles in my area but none of them want to fuck me.
HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS
My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.
Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.
Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.
The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.
Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.
Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.
........complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk..
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
"How's that?" he asks
"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.
Snip, snip, snip,snip..
Out he comes. "How's that?"
He asks again more confidently.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.
"Oh nothing, I just trimmed the top of your Ugg boots"
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.
A lot.
Silicon Valley
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"
The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".
The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's where babies come from"
The boy says "Dad, what's a cunt?"
The father says, "That's the rest of the woman"
An Irishman was killed by an assassin in his own home Thursday. Sources say the assailant was armed only with 2 porcelain figures. After beating the man to death, the assassin threw the body to several mongrel dogs that lived in a nearby wooded area.
Police claim it's the first known case of a Knick-Knack Paddy whack, give a dog a bone.
One summer day, a black mother got a call from her daughter's sleep-away camp. One of the counselors told her "You're daughter has started regurgitating wildly. You should come down immediately." So the black mother drives down to the campsite and walks into the medical area where she sees her daughter sitting, sad and in pain. As the young girl sees her mother, she's elated to know that she will take care of her. As the mother gets closer, she takes off her belt and beats her daughter on the butt for 10 minutes. After she is done, the mother takes a minute to calm down while her daughter weeps. The mother looks over to the councilor standing by the door, obviously in shock. The mother looks him dead in the eyes and says "The hell does regurgitatin' mean?"
and sat down in the chair.
The hairdresser, a very attractive woman, places the cloak over him and gets to work. After a few minutes she notices that the cloak is moving up and down around the area of his crotch. Disgusted she whips the cloak off him
"How dare you do that in my salon!"
But the man looks at her incredulously and hold up a pair of glasses
"I'm just cleaning my glasses," he says
The woman blushes and starts to apologise when the man continued
"They're absolutely covered in semen."
(Credit goes to Tim Minchin)
Steve goes to his doctor for a checkup after a hernia repair. The doctor says to him, "Well Steve, it looks like your operation was a success, everything is looking normal and you should be fully healed in about 6 weeks. However, due to the nature of your condition, you must not lift anything heavier than 5 lbs, due to the risk of damaging the affected area."
Steve looks blankly at him and replies, "Well how on earth am I supposed to take a piss, then?!"
Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.
Stevie Ray Vaughan dies in his helicopter crash and goes to heaven. He is escorted by Saint Peter to a special area reserved for famous dead rock musicians. He is very honoured as he sees that he is in the company of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, Buddy Holly and dozens of other famous faces from the history of rock.
Then he spies Bono preening in front of a mirror.
"Hey wait a second," he says, "Bono's not dead!"
Saint Peter replies, "Actually, that's God. He just thinks he's Bono"
The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Finally the civil engineer spoke up. "For all I know, God is a civil engineer. Only a civil engineer would put a sewage system through a recreational area."
E: spell shit
They don't pay any mind to each other until the doctor comes into the waiting area with all three of the babies.
"There's been a mix-up, we're not sure whose baby is whose."
The three fathers exchange some tense glances.
The Irishman takes initiative and steps forward, picking up the Indian child. "This is my little boy."
"What the hell?" The Indian man says. "That's clearly my son!"
The Irishman replies, "You think I'm about to risk adopting an Englishman?"
I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.
3 guys get separated from their tour group while on a African safari. They are wondering around the jungle when they are captured by a tribe. They are held captive in this hut for a couple of hours until being transported to the tribe's main congregation area where they do their festivities.
The chief walks up to first guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" The man doesn't want to die so he decides Ooga Booga. The chief looks at the crowd and yells, "Ooga Booga!" The village goes crazy and the chief bends the guy over and bangs him in the ass.
The chief then goes to the second guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" Upon seeing this horrible sight he decides being raped is better than dying and says ooga booga. The crowd goes crazy, the chief bends him over, and has his way with him.
The chief approaches the final guy and asks him the same question. He decides he'd rather die after seeing what happened to his friends. The chief looks at the tribe and yells, "DEATH!.....BY OOGA BOOGA!"
That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.
The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"
She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."
I thought, 'You should probably see a surgeon about that.'
they always leave notes on my car like 'Parking fine'.
Going through a wooded area, they are stopped by the police. Seeing he just has stopped two men of the cloth, the officer mutters: "Excuse me, but we are looking for a child molester..." The priests stick their heads together, and after a short whispered discussion, exclaim: "OK, we'll do it!"
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Area? Well, here are the best jokes about Area to have fun with.