We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
I'm making little things count.
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.
A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
To help him, he hired a Native American scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding awhile, the scout gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the scout, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The scout replies, "Ear sticky".
09:51 Find murder victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.
09:51 Realise watch has stopped.
Help what do I do?
The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
And I didn't even know he was a barber.
..at least they drive slowly in a school area.
The DaneGer zone!
I'll show myself out.
Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
She has nothing but a monkey covering her pubic area.
The host takes one puzzled look.
"Alright, I give up. Judging by what I asked the turtle, I may regret asking this, but what are you supposed to be?"
"I'm an Italian boy!"
"What's with the monkey?"
"That'sa not a monkey! That's a macaque!"
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
It's a no-fly zone.
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.
Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.
Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....
He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:
"Ha, found you, Newton!"
I. Newton responds while nodding:
"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"
He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."
He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.
Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.
Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:
"If I catch you, I have my way with you."
The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.
"What happened?" asks the husband
"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."
"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.
"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."
"You confronted him?"
"No, I gave her $50."
The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
...saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. Being unfamiliar with the area, they debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee or kissimmEE. The debate turned into an argument and they decided that when they got to the town they would ask one of the locals.
So they pulled into a fast food place on the main drag and went inside. Stepping up to the counter, the guy says, I know this may sound like an unusual request, but could you please very slowly and distinctly tell us where we are?
The clerk looks at him and slowly says Buuurrrrgerrrerrrr Kiiiiiiinggggh.
a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.
- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.
- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?
- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...
Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I responded that I really didn't know, but that it was certainly less than one in a million. So he asked: "Well, what is the probability that there are two bombs on an airplane?" I responded that (as long as these were independent events) it would be the square of the probability of having one bomb, which is 1 in a trillion - a truly astronomical number. So, from that day forward he always carried a bomb with him when he flew since it reduced the risk of having a bomb on the plane from 1 in a million to 1 in a trillion.
So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.
When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.
Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"
Just as he finishes saying that a---
No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.
This one is really all about the delivery.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said..... "I declare myself to be on the outside."
Are all sitting in the waiting area of the ob/gyn. The brunette says, "I heard if he's on top you're going to have a boy." The red head says, "well I heard if she's on top you're going to have a girl."
The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush to her asking what's wrong.
Through tears and sobs she says, "I'm going to have puppies".
Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.
The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."
The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".
The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"
This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume
... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.
He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and inside his backpack there wasn't anything really valuable. So he starts hammering that lump to the ground. After a few minutes the backpack inside the carpet was flat and unnoticeable.
Later that afternoon the housewife gets home and is happy with the placing of the carpet. She goes to the kitchen to write him a check for the job well done and returns to him:
"Here, the check and your backpack that you left in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my cat"?
Because I'd like to find the area under your curves
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