Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Area? Well here is a complete list of the top area jokes:
We'll take the aliens, you get the predators
👍🏼As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"
The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.
Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
👍🏼An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
*Looks around the immediate area*
👍🏼We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.
The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.
I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."
"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese without springing the traps?"
"They didn't go near them," I replied. "They're sitting in the living room playing Scrabble."
In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amputate your arms."
What do you call the area between a womans vagina and butt hole?
*The driving range, because that's where I hit my balls!*
A man travels to New Guinea. He wants to see the natives, but is afraid of cannibals eating him. So he asks the guide: "Are there any cannibals left in this area?"
The guide answers: "No, the last cannibal was eaten just a week ago."
...and asked his father what the words pussy and cunt meant. The father was shocked to hear his son say these words. Rather than reprimand him, he decided that it was best to try to explain these words to him by showing him a photo of a nude woman. Pointing to the vagina he said, "You see this pretty little area right here? This is called a pussy." Then pointing to the rest of her body he continued, "And this area is called the cunt!"
👍🏼So a rapist/murderer is walking into a deep dark wooded area with a 6 year old boy. They are pretty far into the woods when the young boy says: "Mister, I'm scared." The old man turns to the boy and says: "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of these woods alone."
👍🏼Bubba was talking to his friend Carl in Montana. He asked Carl how he liked living in such a rural area. Carl replied "Oh, it's kinda boring. All I do is hunt and fuck." Bubba says "Well, what do ya hunt?" Carl replied "Something to fuck!" (bah-dum-duh-tshh)
👍🏼During a Science class...
Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.
Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?
Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.
1 : Area 51 Aliens
2 : YT Recommendations
3 : A Wife's mind
Two men are walking up a mountain when one realizes he could see his friends house using the scope on his rifle
guy 1 " Hey look i can see your house from here!...and it looks like your wife is cheating on you"
guy 2 "just great! we leave just for a little trip and she has, has her 'friend' over. go and shoot em both! her in the head and him in the privet area"
guy 1 "watch me get that in one shot!"
This is a favorite of my dad he always likes to bring it up I'm sure some of you have heard it before.
A single man in his 30's moves from the big city out into the country. He likes the area, the scenery, and mainly the solitude. He only has one neighbor in close proximity, and soon after he arrives his neighbor comes to welcome him. The neighbor is another man, a country "bubba" around 40. After making small talk, the man asks the neighbor what they do for fun around the parts. The neighbor responds: "Well come on over to my place tonight! There'll be drinking, there'll be fighting, and there'll be f---ing." The man, surprised at this party, asks what time he should be there. The neighbor replies "Oh it don't matter, it's just gonna be you and me."
and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
A bistro owner is three days away from opening her new business and hires a carpenter, an interior decorator and an SEO expert to help with designing the dining area to better attract customers. On the first day the carpenter crafts a beautiful bar at the end of her restaurant and brings in mahogany tables and chairs he had built in his shop. On the second day the interior decorator paints the walls and adorns them with tasteful art pieces. On the last day before the grand opening the SEO expert tosses everything out except a single table, a single chair and a single painting. Furious, the owner demands to know why he left the three items.
Duplicate content.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.
The doctor opened the first patient's door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn't have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.
The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.
Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, What disease does this man have? Oh, said the doctor, He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.
Three friends are traveling cross country when their car breaks down in a rural area. Night comes and they cant restart their car and it is getting very cold. They see a house from a distance and decide to walk to the house to find shelter for the night.
Upon knocking on the door, a really old woman opens up. They explain their story to her. She thinks for a moment and says, "I will allow you three to stay inside my house on one condition. One of you have to make love to me". The three friends look at each other and feel the cold breeze behind them, and come to the conclusion that they have no choice.
They decided on who would be making love to the old woman through a game of rock, paper, and scissors. The youngest of the friends ends up taking the bullet. He goes upstairs and sees the old woman lying on her back, eyes shut, and her legs in the air saying "fuck me".
The young man, horrified at what he was seeing notices a bucket of corn on the edge of the bed. He uses the corn to fuck the old woman. After he was done, he tossed the corn outside through the window and went to sleep. The next day he wakes up and comes down stairs to his friends laughing at him. The young friend asks what's so funny? The other two respond, "while you were up there fucking granny, we were down here eating buttered corn".
The woman is in a coma. One of the nuns notices that when she washes the woman's privates her vital signs start to kick in. This nun has the idea that if the woman would receive oral sex that she might come around. The nuns go out to the waiting area and find the woman's husband. They tell him of their idea and even though he is skeptical he eventually agrees and goes into the room. Moments later all the alarms start going off and everyone rushes into the room to find that the woman is dead. They ask the husband, "What happened?" He replies, "I don't know. I think she choked."
👍🏼There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.
👍🏼He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.
Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.
Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:
"If I catch you, I have my way with you."
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
👍🏼City Joe moves out to the country to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. After purchasing some ranch land he surveys the area from his front porch. Up his driveway rumbles an old pick up truck. Out steps a middle aged man in a cowboy hat and wranglers.
"howdy", he says, "ya see that speck on the horizon? That's my house. Wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood."
"Gee, thanks" said the City Joe
"Well, didn't want you to feel left out, so there's gonna be a party at my house tomorrow night if'n you're interested."
"Sure, I love parties", said City Joe
"I should warn ya though, at these parties.....there's usually some drinkin'"
"Well I'm no stranger to that", said Joe
"After we get to drinkin'.......there's bound to be some fightin'"
City Joe was more nervous. "well, i'm not really a fighter, but I could handle myself.
"And after the drinkin' and fightin', there's probably gonna be some fuckin"
"Well that I can handle", said Joe, "What should I wear?"
"Don't rightly matter", said the stranger, "Just gon' be the two of us"
When he noticed the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with gorillas for many years, he recognised she was in heat. The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated, so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking if they had a male gorilla.
After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting more frustrated, he decided to try his last option. So he tracks down the janitor of the zoo and says to him "Steve, I have to ask you a big favor... I need you to have sex with the female gorilla. It's worth 2000 dollars."
The janitor agrees so long as three conditions are met.
"Condition the first..." says the janitor "is that no one cam ever know."
"Second... I don't have to kiss her."
"Finally... I'll need some time to get the 2000 dollars."
So the staff call a meeting to see how they can bring their numbers down. They decide a test is in order.
Unfortunately, traditional Q&A testing didn't yield the kind of results they wanted so they get creative and paint a door on the wall of the lounge area.
The next day they wait and watch to see which patients fall for it. Soon there are lines of crazy people trying to open the fake door. Some resist but still look on in bewildered curiosity except for one man in the corner of the room laughing hysterically. They approach him and ask what he finds so amusing...
Patient: "All the lunatics trying to open that door over there. That's pretty funny"
The staff starts to get excited. This seems promising.
Doctor: "Their behavior seems foolish to you huh?"
Patient: "Downright stupid if you ask me."
Doctor: "Can you please explain why?"
The patient motions for the doctor to come closer and whispers into his ear: "Because I have the key!"
So a Chinese bloke and a Greek had take-away shops next door to each other in a fairly busy area, so it was imperative that they got there early and open their shops in order to be ready for the morning breakfast rush.
Every Friday morning, the Greek would ask the Chinaman what day it is.
"It's *flyday* you *Gleek Plick*" was the response every time.
Much to the Greek's amusement, the Chinaman continually ruined the pronunciation of the sentence. After a few weeks had passed, the Greek had gotten fed up that the Chinaman hadn't actually improved his English at all, where the Greek had tried very hard and paid for classes so that he may better his English.
"What day is it today, Chinaman?" asked the Greek, getting very frustrated,
"IT'S "*FLYDAY* YOU *GLEEK PLICK*" replied the Chinaman, who was also fed up with the weekly taunting.
The Greek, explodes and yells back at the Chinaman "R, ARRRR, IT'S PRONOUNCED *FRRRRRRRRRRRRRIDAY*. WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT? WHAT IS SO DAMN DIFFICULT?"
The Chinaman, upset, walks back into his shop and for the next week practises the seemingly difficult letter to pronounce.
The very next Friday, the Greek was waiting outside his shop for the Chinaman to arrive. Finally, he shows up and stares the Greek down. The Greek asks the question he'd waited all week to ask, "What day is it Mr. Chinaman?"
The Chinaman cracks a smile and replies, "Its *frrrrrrrrrriday* you *gleek plick*".
TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.
- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.
- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?
- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.
👍🏼2 deer hunters go out one fall afternoon in to the forest to get in early for the evening hunt. After hours of hunting they finally kill a large buck.
One of the men who was planning on using the bathroom at the campsite near their hunting area decides to take a dump in the woods. As he walks off the other hunter starts to field dress the deer when he thinks of the childish idea to place the intestines of the deer underneath his friend.
using his sweet hunting sneak skills he drops off the organs without his partner noticing and scurries off. When he returns to the deer he snickers about his endeavours at first, then after 45 min of prepping the deer he notices the return of his partner
the second deer hunter returns white as a ghost, walking bow legged.
"holy shit, joe. whats wrong?" the first hunter asks with a wide grin
"you dont understand john... when i was taking a dump... it... it all just fell out." the second hunter responds
realising his joke worked, the first hunter loses it and laughes uncontrollably.
Interrupting his laughing the hunter says "but don't worry. By the grace of god and these two fingers. I managed to get it all back in"
Area 52
👍🏼You wait all day for one then find out 48 other people in the local area have been riding on her.
👍🏼Well an old woman goes to the doctor. She says that her womanly area itches. The doctor takes a quick peek and says "oh its nothing, just a case of the clap a few pills will cure the problem". To which she replies "how is that possible? I have never even touched a penis". The doctor takes a second look and says "sorry miss but you're cherry is rotten".
👍🏼One summer day, a black mother got a call from her daughter's sleep-away camp. One of the counselors told her "You're daughter has started regurgitating wildly. You should come down immediately." So the black mother drives down to the campsite and walks into the medical area where she sees her daughter sitting, sad and in pain. As the young girl sees her mother, she's elated to know that she will take care of her. As the mother gets closer, she takes off her belt and beats her daughter on the butt for 10 minutes. After she is done, the mother takes a minute to calm down while her daughter weeps. The mother looks over to the councilor standing by the door, obviously in shock. The mother looks him dead in the eyes and says "The hell does regurgitatin' mean?"
👍🏼Because when da white boy whipping dem, they'd jump really high from the pain like from Tom and Jerry
👍🏼That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks." He gets embarrased because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.
The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"
She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."
a fisherman's daughter takes her dad's boat out for a cruise. a coastguard catches up to her and tells her it's a non-fishing area. she replies, "but im not fishing". so the coastguard points out all the fishing equipments on the boat, "you have all the equipments for it" and proceeds to give her a fine.
then she says, "fine, i'll sue u for sexual harassment!"
"but i didnt do anything!!" he argues.
"you have the tool for it" she winks.
he then drops all the charges and leaves her alone.
A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.
The owner interrupts her and tells her that she go it all wrong. He says, that if a woman's husband is away, she can buy a dildo instead of cheating on her husband. If a woman is a widow, it's better to have a dildo rather than sleeping around with different men.
The old woman not convinced with his argument and starts ranting and rambling again.
The shop owner interrupts her again. This time, he tells her that she can choose any dildo she wants and she can have it for free.
The old woman thinks for a minutes and then points and says: I want that red one.
The shop owner replies: Easy woman, that's the fire extinguisher.
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
A man goes to the zoo one day and makes his way to the guerrilla's area. He stops and watches a guerrilla for a some time, and as he is ready to leave, he fixes his shoe. Said guerrilla mimicked his act. So he starts doing all sorts of things and the guerrilla mimics every move he makes.
The wind picks up and blows dirt into the mans eye and he rubs his eye with his middle finger. The guerrilla goes ballistic and pulls the man into the cage through the bars and beats the living shit out of him and then throws the man out.
An employee walks by shortly after and asks him what happened. The man explained that the guerrilla went crazy and beat him up. The employee asked if he happened to rub his eye with his middle finger and the man replied yes. The employee instructed the man that that action means 'fuck you' in guerrilla.
The man was pretty unhappy about the incident. He comes back the next day with a dull and a sharp blade. He goes to the guerrilla cage and begins doing little actions that the guerrilla mimics. After a few minutes he tosses the sharp blade inside the cage and takes the dull blade across his own neck. The guerrilla looks at the blade, back to the man, and rubs his eye with his middle finger.
square
👍🏼3 guys get separated from their tour group while on a African safari. They are wondering around the jungle when they are captured by a tribe. They are held captive in this hut for a couple of hours until being transported to the tribe's main congregation area where they do their festivities.
The chief walks up to first guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" The man doesn't want to die so he decides Ooga Booga. The chief looks at the crowd and yells, "Ooga Booga!" The village goes crazy and the chief bends the guy over and bangs him in the ass.
The chief then goes to the second guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" Upon seeing this horrible sight he decides being raped is better than dying and says ooga booga. The crowd goes crazy, the chief bends him over, and has his way with him.
The chief approaches the final guy and asks him the same question. He decides he'd rather die after seeing what happened to his friends. The chief looks at the tribe and yells, "DEATH!.....BY OOGA BOOGA!"
(*I heard this from a friend, sorry if it is a repost.*)
A group of blonde people decided to get together and hold a blonde convention to prove that blondes aren't dumb. They invited all the blonde people in the area.
In the middle of the event, they chose one random person from the crowd to answer questions, to prove she could answer them as well as anybody else.
"What is twelve plus three?" asked the interviewer.
"Nineteen," she responded. The interviewer felt very uncomfortable, however, the crowd was still supportive. To help get the girl's confidence back up, they shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
"I'm going to ask you another question," said the interviewer. "What is ten times five?"
The blonde was sure she would get it right this time. "Sixty!" she said.
The interviewer shook her head, but again, the crowd cheered, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The interviewer said, "I'm going to give you one last chance. This will be a very easy question. What is two plus one?"
"Three!" said the blonde, happy to get a question she could finally answer correctly.
The interviewer was about to congratulate when she was interrupted by the cheering of the crowd: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"
The man said, "I have think she may have choked"
You've red some of the best area jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about area. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty area gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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