Following is our collection of isreali humor and consul one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Arab puns for adults, dirty arabic jokes or clean marketplace gags for kids.
There is an abundance of saudi jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes on arab. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any islamic witze you can hear about arab.
We would have IX/XI instead
Instead it would be IX / XI
It would be IX/XI instead.
In an explosion.
1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
Because they are already covered.
*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
An American teen girl gets stoned *before* she has sex.
A Protein Sheikh
The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first
Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate
She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"
So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"
"He slapped my left cheek."
So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"
*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.
Very satisfying.
The American says: "I have 4 kids. One more, and I can make a basketball team!"
The English says: "I have 10 kids. One more, and I can make a football ("soccer") team!"
The Arab guy says: "I have 17 wifes. One more, and I can make a golf course!"
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?
I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.
What do you call a drunk Arab?
Hammad.
What do you call a really drunk Arab?
Mohammad.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Because they need a map.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
... and the only thing that could save him a blood transfusion. But there is a problem - the sheikh has a very rare blood type. After very intensive searches sheik's servants finally find a donor. This happens to be an old Jewish guy who agrees to donate blood in exchange for a substantial reward. The sheikh's life is saved, and he generously rewards the donor with a luxury car and a huge mansion.
Couple of years later, the same story happens. The donor rushes to donate the blood and comes to pick up his reward. Surprisingly for him, he is handed a box of cookies.
"But last time you gave me a car and a mansion"
"Well, last time I had no Jewish blood flowing in me".
Their was a goat farmer named Kassim and his wife and one day the wife went to feed the goats. Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother Khalid came from another town. His brother Khalid was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral said "Kassim look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife you and her must be beloved in the area." In tears Kassim says " they are not here for the funeral they are here hoping to buy the goat".
A wealthy Arab had a son who was an exchange student in America. Because of his father's wealth, the son would arrive to school every day in a luxurious Rolls-Royce. Soon after school started, the son sent a letter to his father. It said "Dear father. I feel very ashamed; I arrive to school everyday in a Rolls-Royce. All my professors arrive by train!" he soon got a letter back from his father, along with $20 million. His father's letter read "Dear son, you are embarrassing me. Take this money and but yourself a train as well!"
So I yelled out to him, "what's the matter, Omar? Won't it start?"
One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?".
The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".
The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
—Henny Youngman
a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."
...at a convention.
''I am happily married,'' said the Englishman, ''and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."
''I am happily married,'' said the Welshman ''and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own Rugby team."
''I am also happily married,'' said the Arab ''and have 17 wives. One more and I shall have my own Golf course.''
A Protein Sheikh....
Anything that makes people who aren't white Americans embarrassed or angry, is racist.
ouch, says the other arab
We'd have CMXI
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?
A lady gets on a plane and realizes that she's been seated next to an Arab man in traditional attire. She watches him cautiously during the entire flight.
When the plane lands, he gets out before her, but leaves his briefcase under the seat in front of him. Noticing this, she grabs it and follows him, handing him the briefcase!
"You almost forgot this!", she said.
The man looks at her and says, "Thank you for this, miss. As a token of my appreciation, I have some advice for you, "Stay away from Toronto."
She replied, "Why? Is there going to be an attack there?"
"No", he said. "Their mayor's a crackhead."
None. They just sit in the dark and blame the Jews.
There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….
A Milk Sheikh.
The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."
It's called Islam. It can take any civilization back to the 7th century.
Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick." The baker's curiosity got the best of him and he agreed.
The Jew ate the pastry and then asked for another. The Jew ate the second one and asked for a third. After the Jew ate the third one the baker's patience began to run low. The baker asked "Okay, so where are the pastries?"
The Jew smiled and answered "Look in the Arabs back pocket."
And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.
Then they came for the blacks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.
Then they came for the Arabs, but I did not speak out because I am not Arab.
Then they came for the transgendered, but I did not speak out because I am not transgender.
Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.
Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.
But isis
They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them.
Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him.
The husband and wife are looking through the adoption papers for Amal a few days before seeing him, and the wife glances at a picture of him, and asks the husband if he would like to know what the boy looks like.
The husband shrugs and says: "Well, they are twin brothers, so I think I already know what he looks like. You know, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Pakistani News channel reports: "Water and fishes found on Moon."
BBC reports: "Pakistani satellite found in Arab sea."
... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"
A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.
"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."
E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language
"Aye where you from? You from tha beach mon?" The Arab replied "Yemen!'
A Yemeni man traveled to Nigeria for work. On the first day he saw a funeral. The men were carrying the body on their heads. On the second day he saw a second funeral. This time they were carrying the body by their fingers, so he asked them why they do this.
They told him we carry the dead according to his/her work. The first was a barber , so we carried him on our heads, and the second was a piano player, so we carried him on our fingers. On the third day, the Yemeni man returned to Yemen because his job was to perform circumcision.
The pilot says that the plane is losing altitude and that the men need to throw something out of the plane to reduce the weight. The Mexican throws his collection of sombreros and the Israeli asked him why he threw the sombreros, the Mexican said "ah, we have plenty of those in my country".
The Arab then threw his falafels and the Mexican asked him why he threw the falafels and the Arab said " ah, we have plenty of those in my country". And then the Israeli threw the Arab out of the plane.
Their names are Amil and Abed.
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.
'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.
'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.
'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'
'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Interviewing an arab for a visa
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast
An arab at airport:
\- Name?
\- Abdul Al Razhib.
\- Sex?
\- Three to five times a week.
\- No, no, I mean: male or female?
\- Yes... male, female, sometimes camel.
\- Holly cow!
\- Yes... cow, dog, even sheep.
\- But isn't that hostile?
\- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
\- Oh, dear!
\- No, no... deer run to fast!
I said, Sure. But I don't think that's how it's pronounced .
The arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra it's really starting to get polular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The arab guy nods and says "sure I'll buy 100."
The next sunday the arab guy comes back to bra shop and looks around and finds another bra he likes. The Jewish guy smiles and thinks he's gonna try to mark up the price. He goes up the the arab guy and says "Thats a great lace bra. Its imported from Italy its very popular and worn by a bunch of celebrities. They go for 60$ per bra" The arab guy nods and says "sure Ill buy 150 of them."
The sunday after that the arab guy comes back to the bra shop and finds another bra. The jewish guy gets excited and thinks 'im gonna get him this time' and says " This is our brand new silk bra imported from France. Only the finest materials used and its extremely comfortable. I can sell you these for 80$ each" The arab guy nods and says "ill take 200 of them"
They go to the counter and the Jewish guy get curious so he asks "If i may ask you a question, What are you doing with all these bras?" the Arab guy smiles and says "I cut them in half and sell them as Yamaka's for 200 a piece!"
We would have IX/XI
A milk sheikh
Inshalladas
milk sheikh
Hassan Bin Laid
What's wrong with it? Doesn't start?
the day they're Dubai.
Someone who drops allahu akbars.
- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait
1. Israel
A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the shop guy, do you have cucumbers?
Store guy replies: yes I do
The man replies: put it in your ass
The next day, the man does the same thing, walks in, asks about cucumbers and tells the store guy to put it in his ass.
The following day, the store owner thinks, this has to stop.
The man walks into the store, asks if the shop guy has cucumbers.
The guy replies: no I don't have any.
The man tells him: get them out of your ass.
Well that's what happens when you don't keep any Jews around to manage your money.
finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.
"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."
"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"
"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you vile Arab!"
So the Arab thinks and says,
"I know what I *really* want, more than anything. And it is to be wanted—nay!—*needed* by beautiful young women all the world over!"
And *poof!* the Jewish genie turns him into a tampon. The lesson here is that when you do business with a Jewish genie, there is going to be a string attached.
The manager of the store walks up to the boy and asks "what does your mother look like?" The boy replies " I don't know".
It'd be IX/XI
Iran
I would rate black jokes a 3/5 and arab jokes a 9/11
Protein Sheikh
there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football. " I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus.. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see someone else's god? "
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.