approach Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious approach puns

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

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A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

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A guy gets thrown out of a bar.

Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.

The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.

"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"

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There's a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He's baffled and yells down 'WHAT are you doing?!'

The elephant nonchalantly replies 'I'm just coming up to eat oranges'. The squirrel snorts and shouts back 'you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!'

The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back 'WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!'

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Nephew asks about sex

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

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Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

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Two whales walk into a bar.

They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."

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Got approached by a prostitute today who said she would do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

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Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce?

The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

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A Russian Couple

A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!

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How should one approach an easily startled red head?

gingerly

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A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

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My approach to sex is like the government's approach to Brexit

I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing

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So a man is a little drunk at the bar

And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and inquires about a BJ, to which he's informed that it would be 50$. Exasperated at this point, he inquires if he can get a handjob for 20$. The prostitute thinks for a few minutes, then agrees, and they go outside into the parking lot.

45 minutes later, the prostitute returns to the bar with disheveled hair, her makeup is messed up, she's missing a shoe, and is still panting like she just had mind-blowingly good sex. Upon seeing her, the bartender inquires if she's OK, and then further into what happened since she just went out with the intention of giving a handjob.

She looks up at the bartender and says, "Well, we went out there and into the back of his car. I put one hand around his dick...and then the other hand around his dick... and then I lent him 80$."

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Tree fellers.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are starting their new jobs as lumberjacks. Each are given a chainsaw and are told to record how many trees they cut down each day.

At the end of the first day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was way behind on 10. Their boss thought he would give the Irishman another chance so the three men went to work the next day. Yet again, at the end of the day, the Englishman and Scotsman cut down 60 but the Irishman was still on 10.

This prompted the boss to approach the Irishman and demand why he was lagging behind. The Irishman replied, 'Sorry sir, but I can't cut down more than 10 trees a day with this saw.' So the boss took the chainsaw to see if there was anything wrong with it. As soon as he pulled the cord the Irishman jumped with fright and exclaimed, 'What the feck is that noise?!'

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An English Man, An Irish Man, and a Scots Man all go to the beach...

As they walk along the sand they see a Mermaid laid up on the rocks, the waves crashing around her. They are all struck by her beauty but are initially scared to approach. The English Man finally does and strikes up a conversation. As they talk he realises she is totally inexperienced with human interaction.

"So have you ever been kissed?"

"No never, but I'd love to try it" She answered shyly.

So he gives her a long passionate kiss. He walks away, content, but the Scots man overhearing this realises the opportunity.

"So have you ever given a blow job?"

"No never, could you teach me?"

With tentative instruction the Scots man guides her through the best blowjob of his life. He leaves satisfied and happy. By this time many hours have passed and the Irish man finally approaches the Mermaid.

"So, have you ever been fucked?"

"No, never" She whispered with anticipation.

"Well you are now: the tides gone out."

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All women want is security

They always ask for it when I approach them.

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I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question

"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

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Had a Jewish girl approach me and ask for my number...

I told her **we use names** around hereο»Ώ

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

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One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter...

One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

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3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.

The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.

The second week is almost unbearable.

The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.

In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.

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Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....

They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a funeral procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."

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I bought a My Little Pony T-shirt the other day.

Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all.

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Originally an Arabic joke!

A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, How is this supposed to help? It's not gonna kill me? The pharmacist says Oh no, you see, we follow a modern approach to healing, you just have to take this entire tablet one time and you will be ok. The man pays the Pharmacist goes home and force the giant tablet down his throat and notices that it's acting fast! The same man comes back another time with a terrible cough and asks for a cough medicine. The pharmacist hands him a gallon size cough syrup bottle and says Drink the whole thing at once and you will be fine! the man thanks the pharmacist and follows his exact instruction, the cough goes away. On another day the pharmacist is standing outside his pharmacy when he sees the same man sneaking in and out the other pharmacy. The guy comes back weeks later asking for band aids the pharmacist refuses to sell him any of his giant ones and says You know I saw you going into the other pharmacy. I thought you are becoming a loyal client of mine! The man responses and says, Don't get me wrong sir, I am a loyal customer. I just needed some adult suppositories.

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One day the male gorilla at a zoo's enclosure dies...

...The female is about to go into mating season so they are desperately searching for a replacement for the male gorilla. So, after trying all of the neighboring zoos they see the Greek janitor raking leaves with his hairy back for all to see. They approach him and ask,

"Will you sleep with the female gorilla for $500?"

He replies,

"I'll need to think about it overnight"

The next day he comes in and walks up and says,

"OK, I'll do it under one condition."

"Anything," they reply.

"Ok, you are going to have to give me a week to come up with the $500."

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I want to become famous...

so that one day, when people approach me asking "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" I can reply with "I don't know, do you watch a lot of porn?"

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Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.

He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"

Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

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Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

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A Brunette, a blonde, and a ginger

are all running from the cops. They run into an alley behind a restaurant. Behind the restaurant there is only a dumpster and a half full of sack of potatoes. The ginger hides in the dumpster, the brunette hides behind the dumpster, and the blonde hides in the sack of potatoes. The cops round the corner and approach the inside dumpster.
The ginger meows and the cops say, "Oh its only a cat, they aren't in here." The cops then approach behind the dumpster. The brunette growls and the cops say, "It's just a dog, they aren't behind here."
As the cops leave they pass the potato sack without giving it a second thought. Then the blonde goes, "Potatoes, potatoes."

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."

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What are the most funny Approach jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Approach? Well, here are the best Approach dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Approach pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes