Following is our collection of approximation humor and townspeople one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Approach puns for adults, dirty spots jokes or clean attitude gags for kids.
There is an abundance of technique jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on approach. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any encounter witze you can hear about approach.
*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
They approach the bartender and the first says "WAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHOOAAAAAUAUUUAUAAAAUAAUUUUAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
The second whale turns to him and says, "Frank, you're drunk."
Guess who just got their car washed?
The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.
A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
gingerly
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
I go in hard and pull out when I realise I have no clue what I'm doing
They always ask for it when I approach them.
"Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
I told her **we use names** around hereο»Ώ
One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"
... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.
They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a funeral procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."
Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all.
A small town had one pharmacy until another opened across from the old one. A guy walks in the new pharmacy and asks the pharmacists for some Aspirin the pharmacist hands him one giant tablet, the man asks, How is this supposed to help? It's not gonna kill me? The pharmacist says Oh no, you see, we follow a modern approach to healing, you just have to take this entire tablet one time and you will be ok. The man pays the Pharmacist goes home and force the giant tablet down his throat and notices that it's acting fast! The same man comes back another time with a terrible cough and asks for a cough medicine. The pharmacist hands him a gallon size cough syrup bottle and says Drink the whole thing at once and you will be fine! the man thanks the pharmacist and follows his exact instruction, the cough goes away. On another day the pharmacist is standing outside his pharmacy when he sees the same man sneaking in and out the other pharmacy. The guy comes back weeks later asking for band aids the pharmacist refuses to sell him any of his giant ones and says You know I saw you going into the other pharmacy. I thought you are becoming a loyal client of mine! The man responses and says, Don't get me wrong sir, I am a loyal customer. I just needed some adult suppositories.
...The female is about to go into mating season so they are desperately searching for a replacement for the male gorilla. So, after trying all of the neighboring zoos they see the Greek janitor raking leaves with his hairy back for all to see. They approach him and ask,
"Will you sleep with the female gorilla for $500?"
He replies,
"I'll need to think about it overnight"
The next day he comes in and walks up and says,
"OK, I'll do it under one condition."
"Anything," they reply.
"Ok, you are going to have to give me a week to come up with the $500."
A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.
He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"
Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"
are all running from the cops. They run into an alley behind a restaurant. Behind the restaurant there is only a dumpster and a half full of sack of potatoes. The ginger hides in the dumpster, the brunette hides behind the dumpster, and the blonde hides in the sack of potatoes. The cops round the corner and approach the inside dumpster.
The ginger meows and the cops say, "Oh its only a cat, they aren't in here." The cops then approach behind the dumpster. The brunette growls and the cops say, "It's just a dog, they aren't behind here."
As the cops leave they pass the potato sack without giving it a second thought. Then the blonde goes, "Potatoes, potatoes."
When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."
Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.
So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"
He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. It boosts my intelligence."
"Is that true?"
"If you want, you can have these two apple cores for $4."
So they buy them and eat them. An hour later one of them says:
"Dude, we're stupid. We bought two apple cores for 4 bucks when we'd be able to buy 3 pounds of apples!"
The other replies: "Oh my god, it works!"
They see a rabbi approach. The rabbi looks around carefully and then slips inside.
"Ah, would'ya look at that!" says one man to the other. "A man o' the cloth even! Damned shame..."
Shortly after this, a Protestant minister walks up to the brothel before surreptitiously going in.
"Outrageous!" the road worker says. "No wonder our kids today are so confused!"
Finally, a Catholic priest approaches, looks over his shoulder, then darts in.
"Ah, will ya look at that!" says the road worker. "One o' the poor lasses must be sick."
1) Approach intersection
2) Check if there is another tank coming
3) Proceed
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She yells out: Woof woof! . Oh, it's only puppies , says the police officer. They kick the second box. The redhead yells out Meow meow! . Oh, it's just kittens , says the officer. They kick the third box. The blonde yells out: Potatoes potatoes!
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agrees and in a few minutes he sees an old old man approach.
The old man walked very slowly, had a halting gait, long white hair and a beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man said that he was looking for his son.
Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could because there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him," said the old man, "because he has holes in his hands and feet!"
Jesus looks at him in shock and says, "Father? Is that you?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"
Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, Security!
There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.
All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.
Next up, Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate it when your father plays!"
Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!
A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.
The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore
A police officer stops a speeding car and approaches the driver
Police: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Driver:" Nope"
Police: "Can I see your Licence?"
Driver: "Sorry officer, it has expired"
*The officer raises an eyebrow*
Officer: "Can I see your Registration"
Driver: "You don't want to do that, this car is actually stolen"
* The officer begins to tense*
Officer: "Open up your trunk!"
Driver: "you definitely don't want to do that, there is a dead hooker in there"
The police officer calls back up. 5 policemen approach and search the car. They find no dead hooker, the car isn't stolen and the licence isn't expired.
One of the officers approaches the driver and says: "Sorry sir, there seemed to be a mistake. One of the officers said that you stole a car with an expired licence and killed a hooker."
Driver: "Yeah, I bet he told you I was speeding too"
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."
The mechanical engineer proposes taking everything apart, inspecting all of the moving parts to ensure that they're running smoothly together, and then put everything back together. He is adamant that this is the best approach.
The electrical engineer strongly disagrees, and wants to check all of the wiring to make sure that it's not causing the problem.
They turn to the Microsoft engineer, who appears to be deep in thought. Finally, he says, "let's just close all the windows and open them again."
I approach her and ask if she will have sex with me for a million dollars. She smiles and says "sure thing handsome" I return the smile and ask if she would have sex with me for a hundred dollars. She looks offended and says "what kind of woman do you think I am?" I say "we have already established that, I'm just negotiating the price".
...security.
....
....
....
I know because that is what they shout whenever I try and approach.
Bahdumtish
(Joke courtesy of my bf's father)
A group of Austrians, embarrassed of the Swiss engineers, approach them with a request to build a bridge in the Sahara. "We want to build the most beautiful bridge, with perfect precision, workmanship, and quality to last a thousand years".
The Swiss Engineers, intrigued by the challenge, go to work. Six months later, they present the Austrians with their timeless bridge in all its glory!
"Hahaha, you dumb Swiss, there's no water in the Sahara, we made you build a useless bridge", teased the Austrians with great fervour. "Now tear it down"
Reply the Swiss engineers: "We would, but there's a group of Austrians fishing off it".
A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. His curiosity leads him to approach the pirate and ask, "Why do you have a peg leg?"
"I was washed overboard and a shark bit me leg off." the pirate responds.
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your hook hand?"
"Me first mate tried to kill me with his sword but only got me hand instead."
"Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your eye patch?"
"I was walking along the beach and a seagull pooped on me eye." the pirate explains.
"A seagull pooped your eye out?" the sailor asks incredulously.
"No," the pirate explains, "it was the first day with me hook."
and are extremely thirsty and hungry, and are out of food and water. As they continue on their journey to reach their homeland, Carlos says to Juan in broken english, "I don't think we es going to make it, Juan." Juan replies, "We must keep trying Carlos, we es got no choice."
As Carlos and Juan approach a big hill of sand in the desert, Carlos immediately smells bacon. "Juan!!! You smell that? Smells like.... Bacon!!!!" Carlos replies reluctantly, "How could you just, smell bacon out here? Make no sense Juan." Juan replies, "Es a bacon tree! I can tell!" Carlos replies, "No Juan, es a mirage!! Es messing with your mind!"
Juan would not listen. "Ok Carlos, your choice." Juan proceeded to climb the hill, while Carlos waited down at the bottom for him, knowing that this was way to good to be true.
As Juan disappeared from Carlos's view, Carlos heard many gunshots. Terrified and confused, he didn't know what to do. Slowly, he saw Juan climb, with gunshot wounds, over the edge of the hill. "Carlos, don't go up there!!"
"Es no bacon tree." "Es a.... Es a hambush."
He goes to approach, when suddenly it gets physical. The first man throws a packet of sodium chloride at the second, and the second responds by throwing a bunch of 9 volts at the first.
The officer arrests them for a salt and battery.
...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"
A ventriloquist goes to stay on a farm and is receiving a tour from the farmer,as they approach the first field full of horses the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the farmer.
He walks upto a horse and says "so hows things on the farm?"
Throwing his voice and pretending to be the horse he replies "Yeah,not bad the farmer feeds us well and looks after us"
The farmer is absolutely speechless by this,
The ventriloquist walks off towards the next field which is full of sheep,
The farmer immediately runs after him in a state of panic shouting "DONT LISTEN TO THEM THEY ARE ALL LYING BASTARDS!!"....
You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
From across the room, a beautiful prostitute saw this man and began to approach him. "Hey honey, are you looking to get lucky?", she asked. To which the depressed man replied "Yes". She then announced that for $300 she would do anything he wanted, provided he could say it in three words. The depressed man agreed to this and slapped three $100 notes on the counter and with each slap he said "Paint. My. House".
....and they see a boy approach. The priest nudges the rabbi and says, "Hey lets screw this kid." The rabbi scratches his beard and replies "out of what?"
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.
Then, what is a horizon?
We're answering: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
**And another one for good measure.**
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?
Both guarantee freedom of speech.
We're answering: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
What would you like? The bartender asked.
And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.
My, what's happened here? The bartender asked.
I'm hammered, the nail replied.
Look out, bae! A wolf!
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.