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Appointment Jokes

132 appointment jokes and hilarious appointment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about appointment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

From the dentist office to the ob-gyn, make some time for laughs with these hilarious appointment jokes! Whether you are waiting for your 9am dental appointment or just looking for a good chuckle, these jokes about eye appointments, hair appointments and more will surely brighten your day.

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Funniest Appointment Short Jokes

Short appointment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The appointment humour may include short appointed jokes also.

  1. The ceo of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
  2. My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up It was a diss appointment
  3. Amazing joke i came up with Sadness walked into the doctors office.
    the doctor asked: Whats your appointment?
    Sadness anwsered: Dis apoointment.
  4. I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies. He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...
  5. I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went But when I got home, I couldn't find any of my roommates to tell them
  6. Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house... it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...
  7. If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment... ... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?
  8. Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being. But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.
  9. A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
  10. I told my wife I have a dentist appointment. She asked me what time and I said… Tooth hurty

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Appointment One Liners

Which appointment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with appointment? I can suggest the ones about meeting and booking.

  1. My doctor checked my prostate last week It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.
  2. Death Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
  3. I made an appointment but it was cancelled. It was ... disappointing.
  4. What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment? Tooth hurty.
  5. I tried to schedule an appointment at the library. They were overbooked.
  6. What's the best time for a dentist appointment? Tooth hurty
  7. Why did the fetishist come so quickly? He had an appointment and was in a furry.
  8. I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently I was disappointed
  9. You miss 100% of the shots If you forget your doctor's appointment.
  10. I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for Tuesday.
  11. Told my husband I want to be cremated. He made me an appointment for Tuesday.
  12. What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem? Disappointment
  13. Why did the dolphin go to the dentist? He had an appointment.
  14. Had a colonoscopy the other day, Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
  15. Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment? Because of an inconvenient tooth.

Dentist Appointment Jokes

Here is a list of funny dentist appointment jokes and even better dentist appointment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • King Charles to get Crown next year... You know U.K. dentistry is bad when the King can't even get a dentist appointment.
  • I called the dentist office to set up an appointment for next Wednesday. The clerk asked, "2:30?"
    I replied, "Yes very much."
  • What time is your dentist appointment? 2:30, like tooth hurty!!!! 🤣😂🤣😂
  • I have a Dentist appointment tomorrow ... Its at 2.30 ...
  • I showed up to my dentist appointment at 2:21 but my dentist wouldn't see me yet... He said I needed to wait until tooth hurty.
  • The Royal Wedding is like my upcoming dentist appointment. I'll be happier when it's over.
  • My last dentist appointment was expensive. It cost me more than tooth-ow-sand dollars.
  • I had an appointment with my dentist this... ...morning and she's agreed to go on a date with me tonight. My turn to give her a filling followed by a messy extraction.
  • If a TSA agent became a dentist, what would you call an appointment? A cavity search.
  • My dentist appointment was so great... It was jaw-dropping

Hair Appointment Jokes

Here is a list of funny hair appointment jokes and even better hair appointment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Who do you go to to get your hair and makeup done during this pandemic? A mortician
    Do you want an appointment? Keep going outside !
  • There's a new hair salon opening in Mordor! Appointment only, no walk-ins.
Appointment joke, There's a new hair salon opening in Mordor!

Eye Appointment Jokes

Here is a list of funny eye appointment jokes and even better eye appointment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind. Something came up so I couldn't see him today.
Appointment joke, I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind.

Gather Around for Heartwarming Appointment Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about appointment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean reservation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make appointment pranks.

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.
"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."
A few seconds pause.
"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

Bruce Willis, arnold schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".

A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.

A man had an appointment at the s**... bank.

He never came.

A man and wife are lying in bed...

The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"
She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be g**...."
The man says "I understand" and rolls over.
After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop m**...."
The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"
The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment

-What did he say my love?
-He said we cannot have s**... for at least a month...
-How that?
-He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...

A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."

The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,

the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.
"Violent when disappointed," I replied.
I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."
The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"
The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."
The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"
The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

USA elected a billionaire that is appointing other billionaires to fix the system that made them billionaires

I laughed so hard thinking about this on the dinner table

Doctor's appointment.

Janet: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go… 
Adam: Just call in sick then.

The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States...

It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.

My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have s**... 6 weeks.

I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?"

My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.

He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.

Husband and wife get into bed for sleeping

And the husband turns to wife and starts making out.
Wife says "don't start now, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow morning so I need to keep it clean".
Husband disappointed, rolls around and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes, he rolls back and asks "do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"

A blonde calls the doctor to cancel her appointment.

"Im going to have to cancel my appointment", says the blonde.
"Why?", asks the doctor.
"I'm not feeling well...", responds the blonde.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

Appointing a class monitor..

*Teacher*: What do you do after school?
*1st Student*: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
*3rd Student*: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.
*Teacher:* You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
*4th Student*: Yakobo
*Teacher*: Satan!

I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...

Me: I need a doctor's appointment...
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...
Me: No, I don't need that many

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

"Alright, I need a doctors appointment tommorow."

The receptionist asks, "Ok, how about 10 tommorow?"
To which I reply, "I don't need that many."

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

How do you cancel an appointment with a s**... bank?

Tell them you can't come.

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.
"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."
He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed.
A moment later, he rolls back over and says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: I don't need that many .

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

A man walks into the doctors office...

Man: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment.
Receptionist: How about 10 tomorrow?
Man: No thanks, I don't need that many

A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.
"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were s**... active?"
"1946," says the veteran.
"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"
The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."

A man is at the doctor

A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says I'm sorry, but I've got bad news and worse news.
Start with the worse news, says the man.
You've got cancer, the doctor starts.
Caught off guard, the man replies okay, what's the bad news?
You also have Alzheimer's, says the doctor.
Well at least I don't have cancer, says the man.

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality
"And your greatest strength? She asked.
Oh, I'm the Batman

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you've got Cancer

My wife said we should spice up our love life

What do you mean? I asked.
She said let's do a bit of role playing. I'll be the doctor and you be the patient .
Alright... I went with it, How are you, doctor?
We have no appointments till November. Goodbye .

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.

After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I don't want to go.

I am thinking to just call there and say i am sick.

I called for a doctor's appointment today...

The receptionist said, "Alright, how about 10 tomorrow?
I replied, "No thanks, I don't need that many

A man went to the doctor

"I have some bad news and some very bad news," the doctor said.
"Let me know the bad news first," said the man.
"You have 24 hours to live," replied the doctor.
"Oh no! What is the very bad news then?"
"I forgot to tell you that on yesterday's appointment."

Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily s**....

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

I really s**... up asking my doctor to get tested for Alzheimer's.

I forgot my appointment. Doctor said I failed the test.

I've got an appointment with my psychic next week....

but she's just phoned me to say that I can't make it.

Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor

She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….
He: Just call in sick then.

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
"1484"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
"Wednesday"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"
Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"
Student #2 : "I go to buy w**... from Yakobo"
Student #3 : "I go to buy c**... from Yakobo"
Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"
Teacher : \*points at Student #4\* "You are a great student. I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to the other students. What is your name?"
Student #4 : "Yakobo"

Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my b**..., and told me to cough.

I should probably find another dentist.

Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own a**... and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can someone become God?", inquired the rabbi.
- "No! Never!"
- "Well, one of ours did."

A Joke

A guy goes to the doctors office for an appointment...
The doctors starts off with bad news,
Doctor: (to the patient) Ok, I have two bits of bad news.
Patient: Ok what is it?
Doctor: One, you have Cancer.
Patient: Oh god no that's pretty bad! What's number two?
Doctor: Two is, you have Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well good God, at least I don't have cancer.

A secretary tells the therapist "you have a new patient here"

Secretary: He wants you to help him because he believes he's invisible. He doesn't have an appointment, though.
Therapist: "No appointment?! Tell him I can't see him."

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.

**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.

A member of the family in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.

He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his class-room room : " Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line :
" God save the King."

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the b**... of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old a**...?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

Patient: I need a doctors appointment please. Receptionist: Ok, how about 10 tomorrow?

Patient: No, I don't need that many.

A man and his wife are having troubles in the bed room.

He can't get the engine started and when he does she doesn't want to drive it home. One day the call and schedule a meeting with a specialist. They spare no expense and get the best guy money can buy. On the day of their appointment the husband and wife each get pulled into meetings right before they are supposed to leave. They call each other and the husband says "we should call and tell them about how we won't make it" and the wife says.
"Why bother, he already knows we're not coming".

I was late to my urology appointment today

When I walked in, the receptionist said u**... trouble

The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

It was a Joaquin.

Appointment joke, The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

jokes about appointment