Appointment Jokes

Following is our collection of 9am humor and confirmation one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Appointment puns for adults, dirty checkup jokes or clean doctor gags for kids.

There is an abundance of nominate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes on appointment. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any resignation witze you can hear about appointment.

The Best jokes about Appointment

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are planning a costume party

and the theme is composers. Bruce tells the other stars, "I'll dress up as Mozart". Sylvester responds, "I'd be a great Beethoven". As the two are planning their costumes, Arnold checks the time and notices he's late for an appointment. As he hurries out the door, Bruce and Stallone ask "Hey, Arnold, who'll you dress up as? Arnold responds, as he walks out of the room, "I'll be Bach".


A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."

The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"

The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

My doctor checked my prostate last week

It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.

A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible."

The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

I told my therapist that I've been having suicidal tendencies.

He made me start paying in advanced after that appointment...

A man and wife are lying in bed...

The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"

She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be gross."

The man says "I understand" and rolls over.

After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"


A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.

Sounds good to me! I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?

Well, no...

Then please wait in the waiting room

She was building up tension.

I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment...

... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?

Thrifty therapy...

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

I made an appointment but it was cancelled.

It was ... disappointing.

A couple goes to a sex therapist..

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

Old Lady Laughing at The Dentist.

An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"

The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.

Dentist: "What is so funny?"

Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."

(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).

A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Needless to say, he was devastated. Finally the son consoled him enough to leave the office and they decided to go to the local tavern and bury their sorrows in alcohol.

When they entered the bar, all the man's friends were there. They saw how bad he looked and one pal commented, "It looks like you just saw the grim reaper!" The man replied, "Yeah, I just saw my doctor and I've got AIDS."

Astonished, the son pulled his dad over to the side and said, "Dad, I was with you at the doctor's office and he said that you have terminal cancer, not AIDS." To which the man replied, "I know that, but I don't want any of those bastards f*cking your mother after I'm dead!!!!!!"


A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.

Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

I went for a job interview

I went for a job interview last Tuesday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.

A blonde calls the doctor to cancel her appointment.

"Im going to have to cancel my appointment", says the blonde.
"Why?", asks the doctor.
"I'm not feeling well...", responds the blonde.

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

Husband and wife get into bed for sleeping

And the husband turns to wife and starts making out.

Wife says "don't start now, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow morning so I need to keep it clean".

Husband disappointed, rolls around and tries to go to sleep.

In a few minutes, he rolls back and asks "do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"

What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment?

Tooth hurty.

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple visit the doctors one day complaining that they are both forgetting things. The doctor advises them to write down the things they need to remember.

Several days after the doctors appointment, the elderly couple are sat down watching television when the man asks, 'Margaret, would you mind making me a cup of tea?'

'Of course not', she replies.

'Don't forget to write it down, Margaret' the old man says 'You wouldn't want to forget it!'

'Don't be ridiculous! I won't forget a simple cup of tea!' she mutters, hobbling into the kitchen.

25 minutes later the elderly woman emerges from the kitchen carrying a full English breakfast.

'Here you go, Dear' the woman says, putting the meal on the mans lap.

'I knew you should have written it down!' the man chuckled 'You forgot the beans!'

The old dentist

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"

I tried to schedule an appointment at the library.

They were overbooked.

I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

Old couple goes to sex therapist

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.

The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."

"What do we need to do?" says the wife.

"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."

The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.

"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.

"You have two weeks to live."

Doctor's appointment.

Janet: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go… 

Adam: Just call in sick then.

The hotel gardener.

The was once a gardener who worked in a hotel. One day, he decides to walk in the garden and he spots a 50 pounds watermelon. He continues his walk in the garden to find a tomato as big as a soccer ball. Finding this very strange, he contacts the hotel's director and he takes an appointment with him for the next day.

Tomorrow comes and he meets the hotel's director. As soon as the director finishes his greetings, the gardener says: "Listen boss, I don't care if the hotel shelters the Olympic Games, but please tell the athletes to stop peeing in the garden!

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.

 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.


WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALDING,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...

Me: I need a doctor's appointment...

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...

Me: No, I don't need that many

My trip to the doctor's office...

So I scheduled my appointment online with a doctor. I showed up, paid my copay and everything went well. The Nurse started to take my vitals, then said to me, we need to hurry up and get you seen by the doctor. I asked why were we in such a hurry.

She said, you are a fully grown man, and when you scheduled your appointment with the doctor, you selected a pediatrician. I said, why does that mean we need to hurry, do you think he will take me? She said, I don't know, but if he will, you need to hurry, because he has always had very little patients.

Why did the fetishist come so quickly?

He had an appointment and was in a furry.

So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."

The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"

The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."

The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"

The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

A man is at the doctor

A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says I'm sorry, but I've got bad news and worse news.

Start with the worse news, says the man.

You've got cancer, the doctor starts.

Caught off guard, the man replies okay, what's the bad news?

You also have Alzheimer's, says the doctor.

Well at least I don't have cancer, says the man.

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?" The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week." The man thinks for a minute than asks, "I'd there a fee to reschedule my appointment?" The person at the desk responds, "No, when do you want to reschedule it to?" The man says, "In one week, please." The person sets the appointment and the man says, "Alright can I please cancel that appointment?"

"Alright, I need a doctors appointment tommorow."

The receptionist asks, "Ok, how about 10 tommorow?"

To which I reply, "I don't need that many."

High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, old man asked me:

"What did you teach?"

A man walks into the doctors office...

Man: Hi, I'd like to make an appointment.

Receptionist: How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, I don't need that many

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. How about 10 tomorrow?

Man: I don't need that many .

A woman goes to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem."

She continues, "I have terrible gas all day every day. In fact, I must have broken wind 4 times since I have been in this room.Luckily for me, the farts are completely silent and have no smell, but I'd still like something to help me with this."

The doctor writes her prescription and sets an appointment for her to come back the following week.

When she returns, the woman says "Doctor, I don't know what was in that medicine you gave me, but now my farts smell terrible all the time!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it seems we fixed your sense of smell. Now let's work on your hearing."

Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?

He had an appointment.

A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs and checks his watch. "Not really. It's only 2135."

A man had an appointment at the sperm bank.

He never came.

One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,

the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"

What did he say???

Old Frank has a doctor's appointment for a checkup, but his hearing is bad so his wife Loretta goes with him.

"I'm going to check your blood pressure, Frank," the doctor says.
"What did he say?"; Frank asked Loretta.
"Your blood pressure, Frank!" she yelled in his ear, "He wants to check your blood pressure!"

"Now I'm going to listen to your heart, Frank," the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your heart, Frank, he wants to listen to your heart!" she yells in his ear.

"Okay, Frank, now I need a urine sample and a fecal sample, " the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your shorts, Frank! He wants your shorts!"

Man v/s Wife

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm, getting friskier by the second.

The wife, half-asleep, turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, dejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, however, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.

He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,

Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you've got Cancer

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.

"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."

He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed.

A moment later, he rolls back over and says, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

So a man had an appointment with a psychologist...

The man couldn't find any clean clothes to wear, so he decided to cover himself with saran wrap. As the man approaches the office, the psychologist says to him,

"I decided to cancel our appointment together."

"What? Why?" asked the man

"Because I can clearly see your nuts."

I tried to schedule an appointment at the Library

... but I couldn't because they were fully booked.

My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment

-What did he say my love?
-He said we cannot have sex for at least a month...
-How that?
-He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...

Why did Al Gore have to schedule a dentist appointment?

Because of an inconvenient tooth.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I don't want to go.

I am thinking to just call there and say i am sick.

What do a doctor's appointment and Reddit video have in common?

You wait 2 hours to see them for 2 minutes.

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her and says, "umm... you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

I have a noon appointment with the horse doctor

How that horse became a doctor I do not know

Doctor Appointment

**Doctor**: I have bad news and worse news; the bad news, you only have 24 hours left to live.

**Guy**: Oh no, how can the other news possibly be worse?

**Doctor**: Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.

I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

Rorschach Test

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office for his first appointment. After the initial interview, the shrink decides to ease the man into the process with a simple inkblot test. After a few minutes, however, the shrink calls a halt.

"I think its fairly clear at this point that we're dealing with an Oedipus Complex." says the shrink.

"*I'VE* got an Oedipus Complex?!?" the man bursts out, "*You're* the one with all these pictures of my parents having sex!"

A very overweight man walks into a hospital and asks to book an appointment for lipo suction

The doctor replied: 'I'll see if I can squeeze you in.'

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."

the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

Hot Air Baloon

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He lowers the balloon and shouts to a man he sees "Hey! I'm late for an appointment can you tell me where I am?!"

As he comes in closer the man below shouts back, "You're in hot air balloon about thirty feet off the ground!".

"You must be some kind of analyst!" says the balloonist.

"Why?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "what you said is technically correct but it's not any help at all!"

The man below says, "Oh, YOU must be some kind of manager!"

"How'd you know?!"

"Well you're lost and don't know what to do, you made a commitment you can't keep and while you're right where you were before we met now somehow it's my fault!"

I booked a session with a professional insulter.

It was a dis appointment.

I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

...after all the trouble of going in the machine he randomly decided to cancel the appointment before even turning the machine on.

Zero flux given.

My wife suggested we play doctor

She made me sit in front of the bedroom for 2 hours and then told me I got an appointment in 6 months.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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