Apply Jokes
119 apply jokes and hilarious apply puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about apply that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Apply Short Jokes
Short apply jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The apply humour may include short application jokes also.
- I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
- My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
- I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory. The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.
- So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government" Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did." - My wife tried to apply at the post office, but they would not letter. They said only mails work here.
- I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.
- Saw a notice on the side of an Apple store that read, "Apply inside" And I was thinking to myself, "That makes a lot of sense... I mean, it's not going to be Orangey inside is it?"
- I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine. Apparently being a republican isn't an acceptable medical condition.
- I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application. They said I didn't apply myself
- Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven. Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!
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Apply One Liners
Which apply one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with apply? I can suggest the ones about pray and approve.
- I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
- Why can't republicans use hand sanitizer? Because the directions say to apply liberally
- Psychic wanted: You know where to apply.
- How do mathematicians become engineers? You just gotta apply yourself.
- Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.
- A frog applies for a construction job. The engineer asks, "What can you do?"
"Rivet." - If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock... he turns into Neil Diamond.
- I was going to apply for a job in the army, But I just couldn't see myself in camouflage.
- I thought only girls play hard to get... But then I started applying to colleges.
- Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.
- Why do Republicans hate lotion? Because the directions say to apply it liberally.
- If life gives you lemons... Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.
- I use alcohol as a cosmetic. Applying it to other peoples faces, makes mine look better.
- How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction? Apply the pumpkin patch.
- Why did Buffy apply for the job at the bank? Because she's a stakeholder
Laughable Apply Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about apply you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean handle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make apply pranks.
Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.
Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
I was walking past a store with one of my lazy friends
There was a sign in the window that said "No Help Wanted"
I told him he should apply
Why did the Republican get a sunburn?
Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
Job opening in a fast paced company
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two l**... tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
What did the memory say to the processor?
If you apply a voltage to me, I'm going to flip a bit!
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
I love you unconditionally*. -God
*Terms and conditions apply.
See Bible for more details.
I have used contact lenses my whole life...
I can apply them with my eyes closed.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
Why wasn't the man considered attractive?
The laws of gravity didn't apply to him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was applying for Art school...
I made sure to remind them what happened when h**... wasn't accepted to art school.
So they're making a Hulk body wash...
You apply it with a Loofah Rigno.
Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight
Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you imagine how hard it must be to intern a s**... bomber?
You need three years experience to even apply!
When applying for a job in the hair industry...
Do you have to hand in your Tresemmé?
What did Apply say to the iPhone 7?
Hit the road, Jack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where others used to bloat f**... features or apply some filters to make someone look ugly.
I could proudly boast #NoFilter
Two men take a test to see if they can apply to the same job.
Afterwards, the boss walks to the second person.
"We know you cheated off of [the first person]"
"How so?"
"On number 6, he said 'I don't know,' and you said 'I don't know either.'"
Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work...
It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.
I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life
Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bottle said to apply liberally
So I b**... and complained the whole time I used it.
Pinocchio is having issues in bed.
He goes to his doctor, and says his girlfriend is complaining about splinters. The doctor tells him to apply some sandpaper to his junk and see if that helps.
A week later the doc sees Pinocchio skipping down the street and asks how his girlfriend is doing.
"Who needs a girlfriend?"
I've recently learned a little bit about Dunning-Krueger effect.
But I'm quite certain it doesn't apply to me.
I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...
I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!
I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA
They asked me to email myself the resume
Why did Larry and Curly apply for security clearance?
Because they were going to Gitmo
My ex-girlfriend liked to apply period blood to her dress and wave it around
That was a huge red flag.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into the police station.
Man: I saw your flier outside.
Officer: The "wanted for m**..." flier?
Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.
Now that Miley Cyrus is no longer doing raunchy pop music..
She decided to apply for twerkers comp
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry
The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.
Landing a job in the moisturizer industry is tough. My advice?
Apply daily.
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.
He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."
How can you prove that the " 'i' before an 'e', except after 'c' " rule doesn't always apply?
Through science.
Yesterday was brutal. I forgot to apply the parking brake on my car...
And then it just went downhill from there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife
I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
So I was applying for a job and one requirement was to be flexible
I have spinal fusion, guess not.
For everyone college I apply to, I also send them an ant farm.
That way, if I don't get an acceptance letter, I can still hope for an accept ants letter.
I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.
I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.
A talking duck walks into a bar
He walks up and orders a shot of whiskey because he's depressed. The bartender looks at him gobsmacked because he's a talking duck and then asks why he's sad.
The duck says I just lost my job
The bartender replies well don't be sad I know just the perfect place you can apply. The circus has just pulled into town
The duck replies what would a circus want with a plasterer?
What did the scientist say when he stole a physics book and flew away?
"These laws don't apply to me!"
Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.
In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".
The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure if the cats were using those words in the right context.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We call rings in ears earrings, in eyebrows eyebrow rings and in noses nose rings. Why don't we apply the same to fingers?
And with this f**... I give you my hand in marriage....
My dad got fired for taking me to work.
Apparently, Bring Your Kid to Work Day doesn't apply to gynecologists!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position.
"Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.
"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why couldn't the r**... use sunscreen?
Because the instructions said to apply liberally
The theoretical physicist had trouble getting a job...
... They could apply their knowledge.
How do Democrats apply their sunscreen?
Liberally.
A Libertarian, a Republican, and a Liberal walk into a bar...
the bouncer asks for their IDs. The liberal says he identifies as a 21 year old so they should let him in, the republican hands the bouncer a bribe because the rules don't apply to him. The libertarian asks Do you have a warrant? .
I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.
A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA
Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?
Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was too s**... to be a doctor
8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.
A man takes a wallet to the patent office..
...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says, I don't think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it ...it turns into a suitcase.
An anti-vax mom is at a cashier
"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says
The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"
Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:
Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)
After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonald's because it's his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?
He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... suffered a n**... fall...
So he visited a physician and sought treatment.
Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.
The r**... happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.
The Job Interview
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.
I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.
Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager
Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.
Mom- "you should apply to work at the white house"
Me- "why? I'm not qualified."
Mom- "that's the point nobody in the current administration is."
A woman walks into a dry cleaners....
She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."
He says, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What should you do if your sister starts smoking?
Slow down & apply some lubricant
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship.
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship. He says to the employee, I want to be a citizen of Finland. The employee responds in broken English.
Employee: You nice?
Man: Um... I suppose so.
Back of line.
What's the problem?
Nice guys Finnish last.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men apply for a spy position
Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test
Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."
First candidate: " You can't be serious?"
Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."
Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."
Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and b**... in the last room.
Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."
an old arabic joke my uncle told me
a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital
the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"
he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
