The Best 62 Apply Jokes

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.

Why did the Republican get a sunburn?

Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...

When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two lesbians tie the knot, what do they get?

A liquor license! (read it out loud)

One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream

Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!

I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.

I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

I love you unconditionally*. -God

*Terms and conditions apply.
See Bible for more details.

Why do Republicans hate lotion?

Because the directions say to apply it liberally.

So I was applying for Art school...

I made sure to remind them what happened when Hitler wasn't accepted to art school.

How do mathematicians become engineers?

You just gotta apply yourself.

Psychic wanted:

You know where to apply.

Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.

Two men take a test to see if they can apply to the same job.

Afterwards, the boss walks to the second person.
"We know you cheated off of [the first person]"
"How so?"
"On number 6, he said 'I don't know,' and you said 'I don't know either.'"

The bottle said to apply liberally

So I bitched and complained the whole time I used it.

If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled...

Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...

I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

Polish immigrant

A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.

He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.

Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking...

Stop and apply lubrication

I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application.

They said I didn't apply myself

Bird Impressions

A man goes to the circus and tells the talent recruiter that he would like to apply for a position. The recruiter asks what his talents are, and the man replies that he does amazing bird impressions. The recruiter tells the man he's seen a million bird impressions and is not interested. The man says, "that's too bad" and flies away.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry

The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

A young kid was smart, but was failing math.

He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."

I went to go apply for a job at Hooters today

They just handed me a bra and said Here fill this out

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife

I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"

Two Irish fellas, Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"

Paddy says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

Why couldn't the redneck use sunscreen?

Because the instructions said to apply liberally

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was too stupid to be a doctor

8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

The Job Interview

Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.

He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.

Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.

Well done!

Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?

Yes, well done!

Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?

How'd you know that?

Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.

Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager

Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

A woman walks into a dry cleaners....

She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."

He says, "Come again?"

She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."

a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there's banging on his door. It's the KGB.

You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?

He nods.

Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?

Because *There* I can complain!

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.

How can you prove that 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' rule doesn't apply ?

Through Science.

Three men apply for a spy position

Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test

Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."

First candidate: " You can't be serious?"

Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."

Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."

Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and banging in the last room.

Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning

During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning but it would get better later.

I thanked them and told them that I will apply again later.

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

I've been trained to apply something to my head after shampoo...

It's classical conditioning.

Policeman: How could you kill...

...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.

Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

I was going to apply for a job in the army,

But I just couldn't see myself in camouflage.

If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock...

he turns into Neil Diamond.

Pub Landlord Required....

Must Have Own Pub...

Apply with Inn.

Why don't engineers have sex ed?

They won't be able to apply what they've learned

Why can't republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

After filing out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked.
"Read it?" the Polish man replied. "He's my uncle."

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

Why are there so many rednecks in Florida?

Because sunscreen instructions include: apply liberally

If I apply for a job at a railroad...

Will they expect me to know the job or will they train me?

License

An immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters, "C-Z-W-I-X-N-O-S-T-A-C-Z." "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the guy replied, "I know the guy."