Apply Jokes
119 apply jokes and hilarious apply puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about apply that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Apply Short Jokes
Short apply jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The apply humour may include short application jokes also.
- I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
- My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
- If x=y and y=z, then x=z. Applying the same logic.
If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.
Then all women are pigs. - I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory. The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.
- If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled... Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?
- A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"
- So I asked my friend, "I hear your husband applied for a position in the government" Me:"What is he doing now?"
Friend: "Nothing"
Me: "But I thought he got the job!?"
Friend: "Yes he did." - My wife tried to apply at the post office, but they would not letter. They said only mails work here.
- I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background". I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".
- I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.
Share These Apply Jokes With Friends
Apply One Liners
Which apply one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with apply? I can suggest the ones about pray and approve.
- I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.
- A black guy applied for a job at the LAPD He got shot down
- Why can't republicans use hand sanitizer? Because the directions say to apply liberally
- Psychic wanted: You know where to apply.
- How do mathematicians become engineers? You just gotta apply yourself.
- Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card? Because he applied for a MasterCard.
- A frog applies for a construction job. The engineer asks, "What can you do?"
"Rivet." - If you apply enough heat and pressure to Kid Rock... he turns into Neil Diamond.
- I was going to apply for a job in the army, But I just couldn't see myself in camouflage.
- I thought only girls play hard to get... But then I started applying to colleges.
- Does the five-second rule apply to soup? Please hurry.
- Russia have just applied to join NATO. They need protection from Ukraine.
- Why do Republicans hate lotion? Because the directions say to apply it liberally.
- If life gives you lemons... Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.
- What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking... Stop and apply lubrication
Laughable Apply Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about apply you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean handle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make apply pranks.
Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.
Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.
You know where to apply.
A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs s**... into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
The Polish eye exam.
A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters
~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
I was walking past a store with one of my lazy friends
There was a sign in the window that said "No Help Wanted"
I told him he should apply
Why did the Republican get a sunburn?
Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
Job opening in a fast paced company
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
A joke from my 84yo patient earlier today...
When a man and a woman get married, they apply for a marriage license. When two l**... tie the knot, what do they get?
A liquor license! (read it out loud)
What did the memory say to the processor?
If you apply a voltage to me, I'm going to flip a bit!
One I wrote a while ago: Anti-Boasting Cream
Now I don't tell many jokes and definitely don't write them so I found this on my phone from about two years ago and was amazed!
I went to see the Doctor this morning about my big ego. He told me to try this anti-boasting cream.
I said, how do I apply it? It's just i've got really soft, sensitive, supple skin. He said, You just have to rub it in.
I love you unconditionally*. -God
*Terms and conditions apply.
See Bible for more details.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Husband Wanted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
Why wasn't the man considered attractive?
The laws of gravity didn't apply to him.
So I was applying for Art school...
I made sure to remind them what happened when h**... wasn't accepted to art school.
Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight
Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.
When applying for a job in the hair industry...
Do you have to hand in your Tresemmé?
Where others used to bloat f**... features or apply some filters to make someone look ugly.
I could proudly boast #NoFilter
Two men take a test to see if they can apply to the same job.
Afterwards, the boss walks to the second person.
"We know you cheated off of [the first person]"
"How so?"
"On number 6, he said 'I don't know,' and you said 'I don't know either.'"
Thank god the "S" on my keyboard doesn't work...
It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.
I've heard that if you choose to do something you love, you'll never have to work a day in your life
Apparently loving to lay on the couch all day, watching TV and doing nothing doesn't apply and my stuff gets repossessed next Tuesday.
The bottle said to apply liberally
So I b**... and complained the whole time I used it.
I've recently learned a little bit about Dunning-Krueger effect.
But I'm quite certain it doesn't apply to me.
I think my work is boring and not challenging enough...
I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!
I wanted to apply for a job at the NSA
They asked me to email myself the resume
Polish immigrant
A newly-arrived Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy."
I was thrown out of school because my boyfriend filled out my application.
They said I didn't apply myself
Bird Impressions
A man goes to the circus and tells the talent recruiter that he would like to apply for a position. The recruiter asks what his talents are, and the man replies that he does amazing bird impressions. The recruiter tells the man he's seen a million bird impressions and is not interested. The man says, "that's too bad" and flies away.
A man walks into the police station.
Man: I saw your flier outside.
Officer: The "wanted for m**..." flier?
Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry
The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
A young kid was smart, but was failing math.
He simply refused to apply himself. The parents tried everything to no avail. Finally, in desperation, they put him into a private Catholic school. When they got his first report card they were delighted to see he got an A in math. They asked him what had finally motivated him. He said "When I first walked into the school and saw that guy on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew these guys were serious."
How can you prove that the " 'i' before an 'e', except after 'c' " rule doesn't always apply?
Through science.
I went to go apply for a job at h**... today
They just handed me a bra and said Here fill this out
The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife
I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
Two Irish fellas, p**... and Murphy are looking for a job
They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"
p**... says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".
I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.
I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.
A talking duck walks into a bar
He walks up and orders a shot of whiskey because he's depressed. The bartender looks at him gobsmacked because he's a talking duck and then asks why he's sad.
The duck says I just lost my job
The bartender replies well don't be sad I know just the perfect place you can apply. The circus has just pulled into town
The duck replies what would a circus want with a plasterer?
Why are so many conservatives r**...?
They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.
My dad got fired for taking me to work.
Apparently, Bring Your Kid to Work Day doesn't apply to gynecologists!
A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position.
"Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.
"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies.
Why couldn't the r**... use sunscreen?
Because the instructions said to apply liberally
A Libertarian, a Republican, and a Liberal walk into a bar...
the bouncer asks for their IDs. The liberal says he identifies as a 21 year old so they should let him in, the republican hands the bouncer a bribe because the rules don't apply to him. The libertarian asks Do you have a warrant? .
A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA
Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?
Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?
My stepdad told me it was pointless to apply to med-school because I was too s**... to be a doctor
8 years later and one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.
A man takes a wallet to the patent office..
...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says, I don't think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it ...it turns into a suitcase.
I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...
The woman at the counter said everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record
I replied Oh I didn't know you still needed one
An anti-vax mom is at a cashier
"you should give me a discount! It's my son's 3rd birthday", She says
The cashier then replied "in that case, I'll apply the senior discount"
A r**... suffered a n**... fall...
So he visited a physician and sought treatment.
Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained, the doctor said.
The r**... happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.
The 13th amendment makes it i**... to buy people as they aren't property
Apparently, government officials don't apply
The Job Interview
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
A recent Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
He first had to take an eye exam. The optician led him to an eye chart and pointed to a row with the letters-
'C Z W I M T O S T A C Z'
Can you read this? The optician asked.
Read it?! The Polish man replied. I even know the guy!
Why did Johnny Sins get fired from his job as a hiring manager
Because he was putting people in positions they didn't apply for.
A woman walks into a dry cleaners....
She says to the guy at the counter "Hopefully you have the expertise to apply a suitable chemical procedure to eliminate this unsightly blemish from my favourite frock."
He says, "Come again?"
She says, "No, it's mayonnaise this time."
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...
Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the h**... is wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: You could have hit the 2 men!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other one ran towards the wedding party. So I followed him. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What should you do if your sister starts smoking?
Slow down & apply some lubricant
How can you prove that 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' rule doesn't apply ?
Through Science.
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship.
A man goes to apply for Finnish citizenship. He says to the employee, I want to be a citizen of Finland. The employee responds in broken English.
Employee: You nice?
Man: Um... I suppose so.
Back of line.
What's the problem?
Nice guys Finnish last.
Three men apply for a spy position
Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test
Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."
First candidate: " You can't be serious?"
Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."
Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."
Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and b**... in the last room.
Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."
an old arabic joke my uncle told me
a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital
the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"
he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
A husband comes home one day and tells his wife he found Aladdin's lamp...
Wife: Oh my god, you're SO LUCKY! What did you wish for darling?
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.
Wife: Awww, you're so sweet baby! And did it work?
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning
During the job interview they told me that the pay wouldn't be great at the beginning but it would get better later.
I thanked them and told them that I will apply again later.
I've been trained to apply something to my head after shampoo...
It's classical conditioning.
I went to the doctors for some b**... cream
I called the doctor the next day...
Me: Doctor, I've had quite a reaction from applying this cream you've given me
Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?
Me: on the bus.
Obgyn Assistant
A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the h**... up north!)
What? The job's in Sudbury he asks?
No, it's here. That's just the end of the line.
Policeman: How could you kill...
...69 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.
What did one fish say to another ?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
(could apply to to humans)
