Following is our collection of accountant humor and qualifications one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Applicant puns for adults, dirty strengths jokes or clean recruiter gags for kids.
There is an abundance of resume jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 33 funniest jokes on applicant. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any petition witze you can hear about applicant.
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
During a job interview, the interviewer asks, I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?
The applicant responds, I went to Yale.
Excited, the interviewer says, Yale?!? You're hired!
The applicant replies, Yay! I got a yob!
Employer: This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.
Applicant: I'm the one you want!
At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible.
Manager: '' So you will start at $15 a hour and later you could earn at least $20 a hour. ''
Applicant: ''Alright then I'll be back later! ''
The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says:
"Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"
The applicant replied, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."
The all get to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Before anyone could stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.
The head monk spoke up, "Did anyone catch his name?"
Another monk said, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. Two millions dollars, the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, " I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
**
...for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two? "
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two. "
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question. "
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be? "
He got the job."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible."
A man was hiring for a factory, he called in the first applicant from the waiting room and asked him a few questions. Then, for his final question he asked him, "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great'?"
The applicant replied after some thought "Oh, I have a leather jacket and I think it's really great!"
The boss let him go and called up the next applicant. They talked for a while and then he asked him "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great' in it?"
Without any hesitation the applicant says "I have a leather jacket and I think it's really great!!"
The man realizes that they're catching on, so he calls the next applicant in. They talk for a while and then he says "I would like you to make a sentence", the applicant cuts him off
"with GREAT!"
"no, actually I would like you to make a sentence with the word 'fascinate'"
"Not Great?"
"No, fascinate."
The applicant pauses for some time.. then he replies
"I have a leather jacket, and I think it's really great. It has 11 buttons, but I only fasten eight."
The interviewer was at the end of a long fruitless day of these local no-talents, when the last applicant, Jack, stepped up to the table.
Ok , said the interviewer, what's your special talent?
I do bird imitations! , replied Jack.
The interviewer sighed and shook his head. I guess that about wraps it up! , he said. Listen, son, bird imitations are a dime a dozen!! No thanks.
And with that, Jack gave a defiant Fine !! , and turned and flew out the window.
Applicant: Sorry I'm late!
Interviewer: You're hired!
Employer : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible..
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
A CEO, his American employee, and an immigrant applicant are sitting at a table with a box of 20 cookies.
The CEO takes 19 cookies, then whispers to the American employee, "Watch out, I think that Mexican is going to try and take your cookie!"
The HR manager: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Applicant: I never know when to quit.
Manager: That seems ok, you're hired.
Applicant: I quit!
Three equally qualified applicants apply for a job. The interviewer decides to test their powers of observation.
He asks all three of them the same question. Look at me closely and tell me what you notice.
Applicant 1: If you don't mind me saying, one of your ears is higher than the other.
Well done!
Applicant 2: Are your ears uneven?
Yes, well done!
Applicant 3: Are you wearing contact lenses?
How'd you know that?
Well, you'd never wear glasses with ears like that.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!
He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"
Interviewer: What are some of your weaknesses?
Applicant: I'm lazy
I: that's it?
A: I'm lazy to list them all...
A big company bought a robot. Many people applied for work there so its job was to sort through the job applicants. After setting it up, the managers invited the first person for his interview.
HELLO.
>Hello.
DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH?
>No.
GOODBYE.
After this, a second applicant entered the room.
HELLO.
>Hi.
DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH?
>Yes, I do.
DO YOU SMOKE?
>Yes.
GOODBYE.
So far - so good. A third man went next.
HELLO.
>Howdy, partner!
GOODBYE.
One day a manager at a grocery store was interviewing applicants to take up a position in his store.
He asks one applicant, "Do you have any experience with stocking?"
The applicant replies, "Yes, actually, I have four convictions for that."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant answered, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years ... say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
Replied the interviewer: "Yes, but you started it."
Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Applicant: I fall in love easily
Interviewer: Um.. ok what are your weaknesses?
Applicant: Those blue eyes of yours.
Interviewer: What is this 3 year gap in your resume?
Applicant: Oh, that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Wow, Yale! That's impressive, your hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really needed this yob.
Judge: "What is the reason for divorce?"
Applicant: "I found out that he was the owner of the apartment we used to rent for 2 years?"
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
What does the the urologist say to the accepted internship applicant?
Ur-ine dadum tss
He let the Captain know he was an aspiring POC on his cover letter.
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Applicant: I'm the one you want! In my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, my boss always said I was responsible.
Job applicant: "The best !"
Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."
Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."
Phone went 'GREEN, GREEN'. I PINKed up the phone and said, " YELLOW, YELLOW! BLUE's Speaking? WHITE did you say? Wrong number! Don't PURPLEly disturb people! And don't call BLACK!!!
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.