Apples Jokes

Following is our collection of macs humor and carrots one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Apples puns for adults, dirty berry jokes or clean magical apples gags for kids.

There is an abundance of airpods jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes on apples. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any mangoes witze you can hear about apples.

The Best jokes about Apples

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.


Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.


It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump

Well...

Maybe not?

It's hard to compare apples and oranges.

A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense


A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


Friend: Five.



Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.

Apples vs. oranges.

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".

What do blacks and apples have in common?

If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.

Da ho, no I didnt.

Classic.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?

Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.

A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.

But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.

I tried to put two apples together

But then I got a pear

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!

Sry for bad english

How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two

One to change the bulb

The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Is this the Rinehart method?

One billionaire was asked how he made his fortune, the fact being known that he was flat broke when he was young. He told this story: he was once wandering the streets hungry and with only 10 cents in his pockets. Saw someone selling some rather unattractive looking apples for 10 cents a piece. He bought one apple and as he was about to eat it, he got an idea. Polished the apple and as it was now much better presenting, he was able to sell it for 20 cents. Which he then used to buy two apples, which he polished and sold for 40 cents. Which he used to buy four apples, earning 80 cents, buying eight apples... and then his childless uncle died and left him a billion dollars.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession.

Tony, a man of criminal reputation, goes to a confession and tells the priest a couple of mild sins.

"Is that all?" asks the priest, surprised.

"Yes, that's it. There are no more sins."

"And who steals apples from my garden?" asks the priest.

"Father, the acoustics in here are terrible, I can't hear a word you say!" claims Tony.

"What do you mean? Tell me who steals my apples!" demands the priest.

"Everything you say, I can't comprehend it in here! Let's switch places if you don't believe me!" suggests Tony.

The priest comes into the chamber where Tony sat and Tony into where the priest sat.

"Father, who lies with my wife when I'm not at home?" asks Tony.

"You're right, Tony, the acoustics in here are indeed terrible," agrees the priest.

A guy gets a job at a fruit stand

His first ever customer walks up to him and asks "how much is a pound of apples?" "I don't know." says the guy "let me call my manager." He calls the manager and the manager says "Your supposed to say '25 cents,sir'."

When the guy gets off the phone he sees that the first customer has already left, but another customer is there. The second customer asks
"how much for a pound of apples?" and the cashier replies "25 cents, sir." "Are they fresh?" he asks. "I don't know. Let me call my manager" the cashier says again. The manager tells him the correct response is "Yes! very fresh".

The second customer is also gone by the time the phone call is finished, but a third one shows up. The third customer asks "How much would it cost for a pound of apples?" "25 cents, sir" says the worker. " "Are they fresh?" asks the customer."Yes! very fresh." says the worker
"Should I buy them?" asks the customer. "I don't know. Let me ask my manager." says the worker. The manager is angry now and explains very slowly "Just say '25 cents sir' 'Yes very fresh' and 'if you don't somebody else will'."

The vendor finds this easy enough and if confident now. A burglar comes up to the stand with a gun and says "GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!". The vendor calmly replies "25 cents, sir." "ARE YOU BEING FRESH WITH ME?" screams the burglar. "Yes very fresh" says the vendor. "DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT YOU RIGHT NOW?" yells the burglar. "If you don't then somebody else will"

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 jokes and another 2 jokes, and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two jokes, and another two jokes and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Twelve!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get twelve from?!"

Johnny: "Because I would repost them!"

Apples are my second favourite fruit.

They're sublime!

If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have?

No shot of blocking an uppercut.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

When I'm having sex with a woman I prefer to do it atop a pile of fermented apples…

I just love the feeling of being in cider.

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"

Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

I like my women like I like my apples...

Rotten to the core and easy to smash

I know you can't compare apples to oranges...

...but two apples do make a pear.

I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees

I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.

Teacher asks: You have 12 apples and you give your friend 7, how many apples you have left?

I answer: 12. I don't have any friends. (Crying internally)

I'm not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven...

God's a bit touchy about apples...

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"

"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

A teacher asks a student a question.

Teacher: If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?

Student: Seven.

Teacher: Listen carefully. If I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have?

Student: Seven.

Teacher: Okay, how about I put it this way. If I give you two apples, then two more apples, and then another two apples, how many apples do you have?

Student: Six.

Teacher: Good, you get it! So if I give you two cats, then two more cats, and then another two cats, how many cats do you have??

Student: Seven.

Teacher: Why the heck seven??

Student: Because I already have a cat!

My buddy told me he was too afraid to grow apples.

I was like, bro, grow a pear.

Johnny's Seven Cats

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!

Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!

If you have 12 apples and your friend takes 6 what do you have?

A Friend

Apple missing.

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything.

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he's not a snitch.

Things that keep doctors away:

1: apples

2: assault by airplane staff

3rd grade math

If you have 7 apples in one hand, and 5 in the other, what do you have?

-Really large hands.

Farmers.

If Farmer A sells watermelon, and Farmer B sell apples, what does Farmer C sell? Drugs.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

 

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

 

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard?

Yep. He's still pushing apples.

I tried being a fruitarian

I tried being a fruitarian, it is where you only eat things that have fallen from trees. I only lasted one day. All I ate was 3 apples and an owl. (Joe Lycett)

Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY

Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."

An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a woman, frozen, and preserved in time. He instantly fell in love with her. However, after a while of trying the relationship, he realized it wouldn't work out. He just couldn't break the ice.

Did you hear about the boy who ate his exam? Three hours later and he still hadn't passed his test.

Comparing Steve Jobs and Donald Trump is like..

Comparing apples and oranges.

On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations

F=ma

How are lawyers and apples similar?

They both look good hanging from a tree

What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

Church line

A man was waiting in line of a church. He saw an apple tree next to him, which also displayed a sign saying, "Take one only, God is watching..." He took one and waited once again.

By the end of the line, another sign was displayed near a basket of cookies that said, "Take as many as you like, God is busy watching the apples."

If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

13 blackberries and 5 apples

The math teacher asks little john

"If you have 5 apples and James takes 3 from you, what will you have ? "

little john : a fight sir !

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes