apples Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious apples puns

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

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What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

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Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Trump

But I guess it's not fair to compare apples and oranges

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Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

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A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

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Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

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What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

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I told my wife I like my apples like I like my penis

In cider

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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

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Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

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It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

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A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

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God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

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Two part joke

Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree?
A. He paints his balls red.

Q. What's the loudest sound in Africa?
A. Giraffes eating apples.

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My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

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Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump

Well...

Maybe not?

It's hard to compare apples and oranges.

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A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

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A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

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A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


Friend: Five.



Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

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An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

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I think Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...

...but I guess that's just comparing apples and oranges.

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People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

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A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".

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Classic.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

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What do blacks and apples have in common?

If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.

Da ho, no I didnt.

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Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?

Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.

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A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

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A teacher was trying to get her students to try new foods.

A teacher was trying to get her students to try new foods.

She blindfolded them and gave them things like apples, bananas, noodles, and the students would guess correctly.

Then, she gave them a little bit of honey. None of the children could determine what it was, so she gave them a hint.

"Your mommy may call your daddy this sometimes."

One of the girls spit it out and yelled, "Oh no, its an asshole!"

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SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.

But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartender places another apple onto the bar

Man2: "What's this?"

Man1: "Try it, just trust me."

Man2: As he takes a bite "This tastes like gin!"

Man1: "Now turn it around."

Man2: "This side tastes like tonic!"

A third man walks into the bar and the bartender asks him what he would like.

Man3: "I don't know, what do you got?"

Bartender: "Well we have apples that taste like all sorts of things."

Man3: "You got one that tastes like pussy?"

The bartender places an apple on the bar

Man3: As he bites into the apple "Ew! This tastes like shit!"

Bartender, Man1, Man2: "Turn it around!"

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What are the most funny Apples jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Apples? Well, here are the best Apples dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Apples pick up lines to share with friends.

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