The Best 83 Apples Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Apples jokes. There are some apples carrots jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these apples magical apples puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Apples Jokes and Puns

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.

But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

Apples joke, What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

When I'm having sex with a woman I prefer to do it atop a pile of fermented apples…

I just love the feeling of being in cider.


A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

Apples joke, The elementary class was learning about addition...

How are lawyers and apples similar?

They both look good hanging from a tree

Did you know they buried Steve Jobs in an orchard?

Yep. He's still pushing apples.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile.

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

You can explore apples macs reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean apples berry dad jokes. There are also apples puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Apples are my second favourite fruit.

They're sublime!

I'm not sure if Steve Jobs got into heaven...

God's a bit touchy about apples...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

Apples joke, A bear climbs a tree....

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!

Sry for bad english

Farmers.

If Farmer A sells watermelon, and Farmer B sell apples, what does Farmer C sell? Drugs.

On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.


A recent college grad visits a farm one day

A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

"You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree" says the college grad.

"I'd be too" the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

Classic.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

I know you can't compare apples to oranges...

...but two apples do make a pear.

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

I tried to put two apples together

But then I got a pear

What do blacks and apples have in common?

If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.

Da ho, no I didnt.

SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"

"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....

But I don't compare apples to oranges.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

Somebody help me find my apples!

The man cried fruitlessly.

Things that keep doctors away:

1: apples

2: assault by airplane staff

Teacher asks: You have 12 apples and you give your friend 7, how many apples you have left?

I answer: 12. I don't have any friends. (Crying internally)

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.

Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?

Friend: Five.

Blonde: Aww shucks. It would have been so much fun if you had said four.

God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples

How many cats?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

If you have 12 apples and your friend takes 6 what do you have?

A Friend

I like my women like I like my apples...

Rotten to the core and easy to smash

What do you get when you mix a Mexican, and a octopus?

I don't know either but could you imagine that thing picking apples?!

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?

Two

One to change the bulb

The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"

A priest, a monk, and a Rabbi walk into a barbershop.

A priest walks into a barbershop. After he gets his hair cut, he goes to pay. The barber says "I do not charge men of faith." The next day the priest leaves twelve eggs in front of the barbershop as thanks.

Soon after, a monk walks into the same barbershop and gets his hair cut for free. The monk leaves twelve apples by the door as thanks.

A few days later, a Rabbi walks into the barbershop. He gets his free haircut. The next day the barber comes to work to see twelve Rabbis by the door.

If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have?

No shot of blocking an uppercut.

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Apple missing.

The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything.

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he's not a snitch.

Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump

Well...

Maybe not?

It's hard to compare apples and oranges.

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations

F=ma

I tried being a fruitarian

I tried being a fruitarian, it is where you only eat things that have fallen from trees. I only lasted one day. All I ate was 3 apples and an owl. (Joe Lycett)

Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?

Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.

I recently tried the fruitarian diet, where you can only eat things that fall from trees

I only lasted a day. All I had was 3 apples and an owl.

A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.

But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

3rd grade math

If you have 7 apples in one hand, and 5 in the other, what do you have?

-Really large hands.

Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".

My buddy told me he was too afraid to grow apples.

I was like, bro, grow a pear.

Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.

Apples vs. oranges.

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

Comparing Steve Jobs and Donald Trump is like..

Comparing apples and oranges.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump

Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, and at the end of the day, I sold them for twenty cents. This went on for a week. Then my uncle died and left me twenty million dollars."

A Russian joke from HBO's Chernobyl

What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?



A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman: What are you selling?

Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!

Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?

Vendor: They make you smarter!

Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!

Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!

Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

What do you call 2 apples?

A pair!

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

What do you call 500 Native Americans with no apples?

The Indian Apple-less 500.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples is a...

guyneckologist

A doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl

Everyday the doctor brought her roses, while the lawyer got her an apple, without fail. One day, the girl decides to ask the lawyer why the apples, to which the lawyer replies, an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the apples airpods jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working apples mangoes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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