Apple Jokes
181 apple jokes and hilarious apple puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about apple that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this hilarious collection of apple jokes for teachers, kindergarteners, and everyone else! From classic jokes about Ringo to puns about patents and Macs, you'll be rolling with laughter!
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Funniest Apple Short Jokes
Short apple jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The apple humour may include short fruit jokes also.
- Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to orange is unfair.
- Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
- Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.
- What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
- The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
- Why do chinese people love IPhones and Apple products? Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post) - Commas can change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas. - Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter. He plan to buy it.
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Apple One Liners
Which apple one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with apple? I can suggest the ones about banana and android.
- How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
- We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the… Minneapolis
- If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? Plastic Explosives.
- What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed? An iWitness.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
- How does an Apple watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- A man using Apple map walks into a bar Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.
- A friend told me that all apples were yellow... I was like, "that's banana"
- What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.
- You know Apple is run by men... when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.
- Why do Adam and Eve use Android? Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.
- The worst part about an apple addiction… Is that you can't go and see a doctor about it
- What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called. A guyneckologist.
- Somebody help me find my apples! The man cried fruitlessly.
Apple Store Jokes
Here is a list of funny apple store jokes and even better apple store puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
- My 11 son asked me If you see an Apple store getting robbed.... Does that make you an Iwitness?
- I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them. I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial
- An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft. 'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
- I was at the apple store the other day, and saw someone shoplifting. Now I'm an iWitness
- Apple is reportedly buying Shazam for some $400m. Couldn't they just download it from the App Store for free?
- Saw a notice on the side of an Apple store that read, "Apply inside" And I was thinking to myself, "That makes a lot of sense... I mean, it's not going to be Orangey inside is it?"
- For fathers day, I bought my dad a $100 gift card to the Apple Store... He said "Thanks for the phone charger, son."
- There was a break-in at the local Apple Store... Police are looking for any iWitnesses.
- There was a shooting at the Apple store last night. There were no iWitnesses.
Apple Iphone Jokes
Here is a list of funny apple iphone jokes and even better apple iphone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all - Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung: They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.
- There's iPod, iMac, iPhone... and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.
- Apple is advertising the new iPhone as "The most powerful four inches ever." I can't believe they stole my slogan.
- When is an Iphone not an Apple? When there's two of them. Then it's a pear.
- Apple's new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend I guess you can say it was a 6S
- What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the iPhone 6 started? Looking for Jobs.
- Did you hear that Apple is coming out with YET ANOTHER new iPhone model? Critics are calling it the iPhone Xs.
( - I asked my kids, "Why isn't an iPhone charger...?" "...called Apple Juice?!"
- Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone? Because Apple products are really expensive.
Apple Product Jokes
Here is a list of funny apple product jokes and even better apple product puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
- <
> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod. Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name. - Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy? Alexa- apple juice
- Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children. They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.
- When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*
Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer* - Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife. It's cutting edge technology.
- Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product The iShovel
- What is the best Apple product ? Apple juice
- How can you tell if someone uses Apple products? Just wait and they'll tell you.
- Very bad product name Did you guys hear that Apple scrapped its idea for an iPod touch for children when they realized that iTouch Kids would be a bad product name?
Windows And Apple Jokes
Here is a list of funny windows and apple jokes and even better windows and apple puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
- Apple and Google are both working on self driving cars. Personally I don't think I want to ride in a car without Windows.
- Apple's cars will not be that popular... Because they don't support windows
- Apple is designing a car.. Everything was going great until they tried to install windows.
- Why wont Apple ever make a car? Because it can't have windows in it!!!!
- If apple made a car would it have windows?
- Apple has successfully created a self driving car However, they are having problems installing windows.
- Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024... It will be the first apple product with windows.
- Why is it so dark in the apple headquarters? Because they haven't installed any Windows.
- Why do people never see an Apple store getting robbed? It doesn't have windows.
Fun-Filled Apple Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about apple you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean berry jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make apple pranks.
4 out of 5 urologists...
...smell their apple juice before they drink it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man in Saskatchewan.
An elderly man in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**..., or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
How do you make apple jelly?
google maps.
An apple
A sudden desert storm had made a traveler lost his direction. The only thing he had was an apple. It was so precious, whenever he was thirsty or hungry, he would only look at the apple, then he would walk again full of hope.
Unfortunately, he still died in the desert. It was written on the police report: He would have walked out of the desert if he had had a Samsung or Nokia.
Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity?
The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The old Man's Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**....'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
Why is an apple a Dalek's favourite fruit?
Because it keeps the Doctor away!
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?
They have such a high turnover rate.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
How do you know if someone owns an Apple Watch?
Don't worry, they will tell you.
A Doctor and engineer
A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
People who put the punchline in the title
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A bear climbs a tree....
a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"
the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."
the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."
the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... with a girl in an apple orchard,
I came in cider.
Guy selling apple seeds at street...
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?
The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.
Apple Stock
Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
A: Whats's worse than a worm in the apple?
B: The Holocaust.
A: What's worse than the Holocaust?
B: 5 Million Jews.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office...
Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yesterday I f**... in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me
It's not my fault they don't have Windows
One of everything.
A man walks into a grocery store and grabs a shopping cart. He grabs one egg, one tomato, one head of lettuce, one steak, one banana, one apple, and one of everything else in the store.
He walks up to the counter and starts putting his items on the belt. After the cashier gives him a weird look, she says, "You must be single."
He says, "I am. How did you know?"
She says, "Because you're extremely ugly."
A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The male cashier says: "You must be single."
He got fired.
Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...
But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify
should just grow a pear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home?
j**...
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?
because he didn't know Mandarin
What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?
An iPatch... I'm sorry...
Did you hear that Apple Guy died?
R.I.P. Isaac Newton
An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?
The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.
I used to weep over my poor apple harvest.
Then I grew a pear.
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
My wife is a lot like Apple
Always finding new and innovative ways to be annoying.
Adam & Eve
The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
Pie rates of the Caribbean joke
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
Why do doctors recommend apple juice?
Cause OJ will kill you.
How many Apples does it take to change a light bulb?
Two
One to change the bulb
The other to sell the iBulb for $600 and claim it's "revolutionary"
A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman
Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.
Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.
Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.
The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
If adam and eve were Chinese
Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
Eve gets an apple
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: ...
Eve: ...
Adam: ...
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
How do you confuse an Apple user?
Give them options.
Jokes are like Apple
The best stuff has already been been done better by someone else.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Apple and the NFL have in common?
The Chargers s**....
Today I pitched a new web software to Apple to replace Safari...
it raised a few iBrowse :(
Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing?
They're gonna call it the ayePhone
It's good that Apple released only 3 phones this year...
Another one would have been an XS
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the p**... get angry after having s**... in an apple orchard?
Because her client came in cider.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
An orange a day keeps the plumber away...
Basically if you throw fruit at people they go away.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
What's blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A really fast apple.
