Applause Jokes

Following is our collection of hugs humor and admiration one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Applause puns for adults, dirty speech jokes or clean kudos gags for kids.

There is an abundance of salute jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 42 funniest jokes on applause. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any raucous witze you can hear about applause.

The Best jokes about Applause

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

How are you going to send people to the sun? It's too hot!

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

What an idiot! We can send them at night!

His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:

What an idiot!…

There is no sun at night!

A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .

were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond?
They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say.
"Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

So a blonde goes to a lying competition...

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.

The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.


( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)


At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She recieved a generous round of applause.

Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."

She, too, recieved a round of applause.

Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."

The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.

Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."

At a gender reveal party, a box is lifted to reveal a glass of water.

The crowd goes wild and break
into a thunderous applause.

The gender is fluid.

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

What do you call Santa without both his arms?...

***Can't Applause...***

Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.

*thunderous applause*


I've had the clap at least 12 times

At this point it should really be called the applause

3 Feminists at a convention

Says the first one: my husband has only one shirt and wants me to iron it. I said if you want your shirt you will have to iron it yourself! (loud applause) First day I saw nothing, the second day either, but on the third day he was ironing his shirt himself!!

Second one: my husband has white sneakers for the summer and wants me to clean them. I told him that if he wants clean shoes he has to clean them himself! (loud applause) First day I saw nothing, the second day either, but on the third day he was cleaning his shoes!!

The third one: My husband wants to eat steak every day. I told him that if he wants to eat steak he has to cook for himself! (loud applause). The first day I saw nothing, the second day either, and on the third day I saw a little through my left eye.

(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

3 Redditors walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. Five minutes later the second one orders a beer and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a beer and the whole city erupts in applause.

What do you call congratulatory sex?

A pound of applause

A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert...

The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled,
"Play it again!"

Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again.
When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more,
"Play it again!"

Knowing he was pressed for time, the Violinist replied,
"I am honored by your request sir, but I have another concert to perform in Turkey and I have to catch my flight.

Finally, the man said,
"You are going to sit down and play it again until you get it right!"

I heard Trump's staff holds up a big applause sign during his speeches...

He wants everyone to give him a big hand.


What do you call an orgy with people that have Gonorrhea?

A round of applause.

What do you call an orgy where everyone has gonorrhea?

A round of applause.

A classic Soviet joke

(Setting: 1980 Olympics)

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.

"O!" - the crowd applauses.

"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.

"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.

A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"

I've had the clap so much that it's turning into applause.

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

Old man at the hospital.

An old man comes to the doctor and says:


"I have this whistling sound in my ear after sex!".


The doctor asks: "How old are you?"


"Seventy five"


"Well what do you want?! Applause?!"

What did the clouds do after seeing the light show?

They gave a thunderous applause.

What's the deal with dead people?

It's like, come on... Get a life!


(Applause)


Thank you.

What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical?

A rebel without applause.

What do you call it when someone gets gonorrhea multiple times

*Applause*

I just made this up, i know it's terrible but at least its not a repost (I think).

I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq

Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.

They're not sure if Kim Jong Un is actually missing or is feeling under the weather...

.... so is Kim Jong *ill*?

*Applause applause*

Thank you. I'll be here all night, folks.

I wanted to give a round of applause to the most exciting person I'd ever slept with

But I thought a standing ovation was more appropriate

If someone receives social justice, but doesn't post about it on social media...

...does the applause make a sound?

Think that at my mother-in-law's funeral they had to raise and lower the casket 3 times...

...before the applause died down.

Let's give a circle of applause for Pi day

No? Ok, sorry.

What do you call a crappy live performance of a James Dean movie?

Rebel without applause.

What do you call a group of Chlamydia bacteria?

An applause....

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe gives an opening speech at the Tokyo Olympics.

He walks up to the microphone. "O!" he says, which is followed by applause.

"O!" he says again, as an ovation.

"O!" he says again, and the audience stands up and cheers. Suddenly, an aide runs up to the podium.

"Prime Minister Abe," the aide whispers, "those are the Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read all of them!"

I wish I was invisible & could fly...

I'd then beat up a mime and see how much applause he gets.

What do you call it when a bunch of elephants clap?

A huge round of Applause!

My knock knock joke

You: Hey, wanna hear a joke?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

You: Say "Knock knock."

Friend: Knock knock

You: Who's there?

Friend: ...

[Awkward silence]

You: HA! Jokes on you!



[applause]

A group of people, all of whom have the "clap", are sitting in a circle.

It was a round of applause.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes