Apparently Jokes

What are some Apparently jokes?

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Apparently you can't use beefstew as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.

Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor guy.

I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...

because you know what they say about old habits...

Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,

The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"

Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.



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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 50 seconds.

Poor guy.

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

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