apparently Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious apparently puns

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

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I wasn't allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


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My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

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Apparently you can't use beefstew as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

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Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

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Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

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My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

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There was this man who walked into a bar..

And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "

The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "

The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

And again the bartender asks : " What's wrong this time ? "

The man replies : " i found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .

Bartender : " Doesn't anyone in your family like women ?? "

The man looks up and says : " Well apparently my wife does ! "

Edit : Thank you kind human being for my first goldie !

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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My wife is upset because I had I Love You tattoo'd on my penis

Apparently I'm always trying to put words in her mouth.

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I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

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Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

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Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.

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Today I was asked how I view lesbian relationships

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer

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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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Hipsters

I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

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A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts

I told her I like shaved vagina and anal. Apparently this is not an appropriate answer at KFC

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Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

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I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

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Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

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So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

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I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

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Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

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An in-depth test to see if you know how to avoid Clickbait

Apparently not!

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I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

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My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor guy.

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So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

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Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

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Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

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After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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Being circumcised, I couldn't join a fraternity...

Apparently you have to be complete dick.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again

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What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you're on a bike

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Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...

because you know what they say about old habits...

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Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,

The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"

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Just been banned from a Christian dating website.

Apparently "Hung_Like_Jesus" isn't an appropriate user name!

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I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

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A guy dressed as a Chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg.

Apparently the answer is Chicken.



(

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Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds

Poor bastard

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After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on TV...

Apparently, that's unacceptable in bowling...

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I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

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How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark

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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 50 seconds.

Poor guy.

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During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

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Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password

It just isn't stroganoff.

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So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

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I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

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I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

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How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

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Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

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I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

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I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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I told my wife we had a pest problem.

But, apparently we have to wait until it's 18 years old to move out.

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TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived.

Apparently it protects against harmful rays.

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My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried...

Apparently "Balls deep in your sister" was not the answer she was expecting.

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How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22

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We had a safety meeting at work today.

They asked me "what steps would you take in event of a fire?

"Fucking big ones" was apparently not the right answer.

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I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

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I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999.

Weird right?

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I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.

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I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

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A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

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A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

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During my job interview I was asked: After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries

Apparently through high voltage nipple clamps wasn't the answer they were expecting.

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My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I "ruined" her birthday...

..I'm not sure how that's possible, I didn't even know it was her fucking birthday.

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I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

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When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

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Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

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Apparently Donald Trump's favourite film is E.T...

Because it's about an illegal alien that goes home.

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I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

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So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship

I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

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After my vasectomy I thought I couldn't get my wife pregenant

Apparently it just changes the color of the baby

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I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

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My wife asked me that if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not

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Apparently Trump's family tree looks like a cactus

Everybody on it is a prick

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday

Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

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Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

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A man parks his car on the street and goes into a shop....

...When he comes out, the car is not where he left it and apparently was stolen. So he calls the police and hopelessly goes back home. Two days later, he finds his car at his front door, with a note left in:

I am very sorry but I had to borrow your car, because my wife was in labor and about to give birth and I had to act quickly. I deeply apologize and send these front-row concert tickets for you and your wife to enjoy this tuesday evening.

So the man and his wife go to the concert tuesday evening. When they return home, they realize someone broke in and the house was burgled. And a note was left on the floor: Soo, did you like the concert?

Sorry for the terrible grammar :D

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Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president.

I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

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So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise...

Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men.

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I failed my biology test today.

Apparently, "black guys" isn't the answer to the question "What is found in cells."

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I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage.

Apparently it was bread in captivity.

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"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

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My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......

Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

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I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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A feminist asked me how I view lesbians

Apparently 'HD' wasn't the right answer

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Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

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My pastor asked me how I view lesbian relations.

Apparently "In HD" wasn't the right answer.

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TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

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My wife walked in on me

Blow drying my dick and balls after a shower.

What are you doing? She asked.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not an appropriate response.

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I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently "in HD" was the wrong answer

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Apparently one in three people cheat.

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

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Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

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I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

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Hippies.

Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.

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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

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I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark.

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I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims

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Today feminists asked me how I view lesbians

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

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A Dad picks his son up from school

Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?

Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.

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My girlfriend said, "We should make love like they do in the movies."

So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face.

She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.

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Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians

Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer.

Time to update my display to 4K.

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I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep.

Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

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Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard

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I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells

Apparently black people was not the answer.

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Did you hear about the bombing at the garment factory?

Apparently there were over 100 casual tees.

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 8 because my basement is still dark.

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I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant...

But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby

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"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying...

But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted.

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Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

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In biology class my teacher asked "What is most commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" was not the right answer

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Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

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Today in sex ed our teacher asked what's the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there's a vas deferens

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A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships...

I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer

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Today a feminist asked...

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships and apparently *"in HD"* was not the right answer.

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I was asked who my favourite X-men was the other day...

Apparently Caitlyn Jenner was inappropriate.

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I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

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What are the best Apparently puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Apparently? Well, here are the best jokes about Apparently to have fun with.

Joko Jokes