Howlingly Hilarious Apparent Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
Apparently you can't use beefstew as a password.
It's not stroganoff.
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range...
But it wasn't his strong suit
Apparently Muslims invented the c**....
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.
That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30?
Credit to Bo Burnham.
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.
It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.
Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...
because you know what they say about old habits...
Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII.
Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.
Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT
Now it's just going to be called the T.
Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night...
She stood him up.
You can explore apparent cough reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean apparent clear dad jokes. There are also apparent puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?
The answer should be apparent.
Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'...
...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.
Apparently, over 80% of people...
Apparently, over 80% of people don't know the opposites the the following words...
1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down
It's even harder, I'm told, to read the opposites of those words out loud.
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"
Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.
It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.
Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.
There were a lot of casual tees.
Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,
The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"
Apparently I snore so loudly that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player.
He was big in the minors.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship
I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.
Poor guy.
Apparently saying "Black paint" is racist...
Now I have to say "Please paint the wall DeMarcus".
There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…
If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track.
Police think it was race related.
Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...
I falafel.
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...
You stay in all day and no-one comes...
Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...
You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."
Apparently you can't use "fortnight" as a password.
Two week.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...
Old girlfriends seem to get offended.
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts
That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.
Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.
It wasn't protecting against harmful rays.
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, h**...-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Why was the PTA meeting h**... difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes *apparent.*
My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it...
Dad joke alert: So when does a bad joke become a Dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Apparently, men think about s**... every seven seconds...
I make sure I e**... hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.
Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.
When does a Joke become a Dad Joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing
unless you're at a f**...
[Demetri martin]
Apparently, people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones...
But people from Abu Dhabi do.
After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
What is the difference between a prince, a bald headed man, a monkey and an orphan?
The first is an heir apparent, the second has no apparent hair, the third has hairy parent and the last has nary a parent.
When do jokes become dad jokes?
When they become apparent.
Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful
I've just gotta figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend
When does a joke become a dad joke?
Can't say, it will just be apparent
Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.
According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
Apparently my family is racist
I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.
Look alive, people!
Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of b**....
There was no sign of a struggle.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band
Rage sponsored by the machine
Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.
But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.
When does a joke become a dad joke??
.....when it becomes apparent.
Ba-dum tsss :D
Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer
You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
Apparently people think that I am condescending
(that means I look down on people)
Apparently, it is i**... to laugh loudly in Hawaii
All you can do is a low HA
Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…
It's a little fit bunny
Apparently I have boundary issues
At least that's what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway
Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese
He wanted to Make America Grate again.
Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat
Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.
How do you know if a joke is a dad joke?
The punchline will make it
apparent
Apparently it's no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.
I'm told it's not pee sea.
A dad joke was explaining the facts of life
A dad joke was explaining the facts of life to his pun.
"You'll be a dad joke one day when you become apparent after you're full groan."
What makes a joke a 'dad joke'?
When it's apparent.
Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.
But I'm not buying it.
