Appa Jokes

Apparently you can't use beefstew as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Apparently you can survive just by eating plants.

That's something I haven't herbivore.

Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range...

But it wasn't his strong suit

Apparently the most common surname In China is Chang.

...correct me if you think that's Wong.

Apparently Muslims invented the c**....

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

Apparently for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.

That's not fair. Why is the man only left with 30?

Credit to Bo Burnham.

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on...

because you know what they say about old habits...

Apparently France wanted to change their name after WWII.

Unfortunately the name Iran was already taken.

Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night...

She stood him up.

Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'...

...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.

Apparently the US government has to choose between supporting ISIS and the al-Assad regime...

I think that's called getting caught between Iraq and a hard place.

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

Apparently, Bill Cosby likes his women the way he likes his Jello Pudding...

...passed out cold.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary Clinton this election

She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

So apparently a gorilla got shot at the zoo for grabbing a kid that had wandered into its enclosure..

And social media went a**....

Apparently one in three people cheat.

I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

Apparently saying "Black Paint" is not politically correct,

The right way to say it is "Tyrone, please paint the wall"

Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player.

He was big in the minors.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship

I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds.

Poor guy.

Apparently saying "Black paint" is racist...

Now I have to say "Please paint the wall DeMarcus".

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Apparently, someone has been shot with a starter p**... at the athletics track.

Police think it was race related.

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

Apparently, the year 6**... was cursed

Everyone that was born that year is dead !

Apparently OJ Simpson is interested in dating again.

He's ready to have another stab at a relationship.

So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...

So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.

Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...

Apparantly all flags on the moon have faded to white by now.

Now the French can claim to have been there.

Apparently, there's a new s**... position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

Apparently you can't use "fortnight" as a password.

Two week.

Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends seem to get offended.

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.

Apparently Steve Irwin had his own line of sunscreen but it was taken off the market when he died.

It wasn't protecting against harmful rays.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.

And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, h**...-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don't really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

Apparently, men think about s**... every seven seconds...

I make sure I e**... hotdogs within 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

Apparently there's a beef shortage on the rise.

Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn't be affected.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a f**...

[Demetri martin]

Apparently, people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

But people from Abu Dhabi do.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I've just gotta figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

Apparently the man was smothered to death between a pair of b**....

There was no sign of a struggle.

Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band

Rage sponsored by the machine

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

Apparently adding herbs to your garbage can makes it smell better.

But I don't have thyme for that rubbish.

So apparently the Senate just passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent

Most people are excited about the change, but I think if it passes the House it'll be hour loss.

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Apparently people think that I am condescending

(that means I look down on people)

Apparently, it is i**... to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It's a little fit bunny

Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat

Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.

Apparently it's no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I'm told it's not pee sea.

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Apparently, all the tents from the Game of Thrones sets are being redecorated for use in a new mini-series on Genghis Khan.

I am not sure why anyone is surprised about the recycled Khan tent.

Apparently, Stradivarius's are so rare people will literally kill for a chance to get one

Violins begets violence

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.

It's a little, fit bunny.