Apostles Jokes

Following is our collection of disciple funnies and matthew chistes working better than reddit jokes. They include Apostles puns for adults, dirty christ jokes or clean peter gags for kids.

There is an abundance of supper jokes out there, and you're fortunate because we've a collection of favorite ones. Check out the funniest 20 jokes on the internet, even funnier than any judas witze you can hear about apostles.

The Best jokes about Apostles

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter:

-- Table for 26 please.

-- But there's only 13 of you?

-- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side.

Jesus walks into a restaurant with his Apostles...

and says to the host, "Table for 26 please". The host, confused said, "but Jesus, it's just you and your 12 Apostles, that only makes 13". To this Jesus replied, "Yeah, but we're only going to sit on one side of the table."

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark" Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia"

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?"

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Last Supper

Jesus started off the dinner by announcing that he is trying some new natural recipes with some very organic ingredients. Peter approaches him and says, "This bread is fantastic! What's in it?"

"I made that from my flesh," Jesus replied.

A bit surprised and disgusted, Peter and all other apostles who were eating the bread regretfully put their pieces back down onto the table.

"This wine is the best I've ever tasted!" said James.

"That's actually just my blood."

James discretely spat the wine back into his cup.

Absolutely chowing down, Judas exclaimed, "I don't care what you tell me is in these, nothing can keep me from these desserts! The filling in these eclairs is absolutely orgasmic!"


Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard.

"Who is it?"

"It's Matthew."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Matthew?"

"Cocaine from Bolivia."

"Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"

"It's John."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John?"

"Crack from New York."

"Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Judas!"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Judas?"

"FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"

At the Last Supper...

[At Last Supper]

*Jesus raises bread*
"This is my body!"
*Jesus raises wine*
"And this is my blood!"
*Pulls out 9 of Clubs*
"And this is your card"
*Apostles go nuts*

Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."

Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."

At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Jesus was able to hold the 12 apostles together...

He acted as a crossmemeber.

Jesus was talking with the 12 apostles..

He said Hey Guys, I can walk on water!
They responded No way
And he said back Yahweh!


The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

Did you hear the one about the Atheist who played hide and seek with the Apostles?

He found Jesus.

Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant...

"Table for 26, please," Jesus tells the hostess.

"But there are only 13 of you."

"Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."

Jesus' apostles were Mexican...

...Because there were twelve of them who traveled in an accord.

According to the Bible, what company was the first car manufacturer?

Honda. Because Jesus and his apostles were in one accord.

What type of car did the apostles drive?

A Honda, because they were all in one Accord.

Jesus and the Apostles walk into a bar.

"How many?" the hostess asks.

Jesus replies: "Table for 26 please. It's our Last Supper and we all want to sit on the same side."


Jesus is hanging on the cross, but before he dies, he yells to one of his Apostles...

"Matthew! Matthew! Come to me, I have something I need to tell you." Matthew is standing in the crowd, so he starts pushing everyone out of the way. "Come quick, I do not have much time!" Jesus yells. Matthew continues, and gets pretty beaten up on the way, but finally, he makes it up there to the cross. "What is it?" he asks.

Jesus replies "Look, look far out there in the distance..." "What? What is it?" Matthew says.


"Matthew, I can see your house from up here!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

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