Apologize Jokes

Following is our collection of regretful humor and justify one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Apologize puns for adults, dirty apologise jokes or clean apology accepted gags for kids.

There is an abundance of repent jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 53 funniest jokes on apologize. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any rude witze you can hear about apologize.

The Best jokes about Apologize

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...

Unless you're at a funeral.

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadian



If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American


Saying "I'm sorry" is the same as saying "I apologize"

Except at a funeral

I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes.

All of the good ones argon.

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" are synonyms

Unless you're at a funeral

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

As soon as the bartender pours them out, the man slams them down, one right after the other. Before the bartender can say anything, the man orders ten more shots.

"I don't know, maybe you should slow down," says the bartender.

The man replies, already slurring, "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."

The bartender is taken aback and starts to apologize, "Oh I'm so sorry. What do you have?"

And the man says, "About $3."


The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a married man, "Uh, I apologize ma'am, but I don't think I can agree to that-"

"I'll pay you ten thousand dollars," she interrupts him.

Again he is taken aback and considers, "Well... Let me ask my wife first, and if she consents then we have a deal."

They agree and he goes home. The next day, the artist returns. He gives the lady the verdict, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on so I have somewhere to wipe my brushes."

What do you call a male cow that keeps falling asleep?

A bulldozer.


I just made this up. I apologize for my self and my entire ancestory that led to this.

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"

One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

What do you do when you come across an elephant?

Wipe it off and apologize.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

so this guy is speeding down a highway, and a cop appears behind him and pulls him over.

the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."

the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"

the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

Why did the man in the stretcher apologize?

Because he got carried away.


A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.

"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

Funeral procession

Disclaimer: Not my own... I apologize if it's been posted here before.

While going for his morning coffee one day, George notices two hearses driving down the road, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind the man walking a dog is the rest of the procession, a few hundred men following closely... all walking down the street.

A bit sheepishly, the man approaches the dog walker and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but can you explain what's going on here?"

The dog walker replies, "Well, my deceased wife is in the first hearse. My dog jumped up and bit her in the throat, killing her."

"I'm so sorry to hear that... But, who's in the second hearse?"

"Well, when Rusty here killed my wife, my mother in-law jumped up and started yelling... and well, Rusty killed her, too."

"Gosh, that's horrible," George said. "But... um, do you think I can borrow ol' Rusty for a day or so?"

"Sure," the man replies, cocking his thumb over his shoulder, "Get in line!"

An Old Man and His Lake

An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."

What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve?

You wipe it off and apologize.

I'd like to apologize to all my fellow Californians for the recent forest fires.

Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them.

I don't know what you do when you come across a bear,

But I just wipe it off and apologize.

What are the last four words a redneck says before he commits suicide?

Hey guys, watch this!

An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.

Doc: I apologize for your wait.

Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.

How does a woman apologize to a man?

I'm sorry, but it's your fault.

You don't want to get busy in an elevator.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).

I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.

A church joke in honor of Sunday

In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.

The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.

The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was worried he had said something offensive or if there was a family emergency he should offer prayer for.

The wife replied, "Oh, no, Pastor. Not at all! You see, my husband has always had a problem with sleep walking."

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

I apologize to all the people I told they were only average persons.

I didn't mean it.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day.

She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A few hours later at work, I felt terrible about what i had said, so I called her to apologize and I asked her, "What are you doing?"

And she said, "I'm in bed."

So i said, "What are you doing this late in bed?"

And she said, "Getting a second opinion."

I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit

I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call it. It's not gonna come.

(Probably been posted before, but oh well I'm new and I apologize)

My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents.

My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight.

What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur?

Tyrannosaurus Sex!


*I apologize deeply, I'm so...so sorry*

Why wouldn't the ref apologize to Serena Williams?

It wasn't his fault

What's the difference between a Canadian oil mogul and an American one?

The Canadian will apologize for destroying the environment.

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning. Along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

Why does a Somalian baby cry?

It's having a mid life crisis.

I apologize for nothing.

In Roman Catholicism who invented Cheese?

Cheesus
(I'm really high so I apologize if this joke makes no sense)

What do you call the place where bad noodles live?

The Spaghetto

What do you call noodles who can't remember anything?

Forgetti


I'd like to apologize for wasting your time with these terrible jokes, just trying to get pasta really boring morning.

I hope my internet points don't take a hit too, that would cost me a pretty penne.

How do telegraph operators apologize?

Remorse code

Two pilots were accused of sexual harassment.

HR said a female pilot complained about the way they were joking and saying cockpit during the flight. Looking relieved they both got up to leave. HR quickly asks where there going when one pilots says "we don't have a problem, we'll apologize, and we'll never use the term cockpit again. That was totally insensitive of us. From here on out we'll just call it a sky box."

The other night I got really drunk at a bar. I started telling some very racist jokes and when I looked up a good friend of mine who is black happened to be there. I felt awful about it and called him up to apologize first thing the next morning.

He said he wasn't even at the bar.

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

How do you get a canadian to apologize?

Step on his foot.

As usual, a husband and wife are quarreling at the breakfast table..

The husband finally gets so frustrated that he stands up, yells "Oh yea, and you're no good in bed either!", and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was probably a bit too harsh and decides to call his wife to apologize. She doesn't pick up for a while, and when she finally answers her phone, the irritated husband blurts out, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She repiles, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a Plymouth. How do we know? Because it says so right in the Bible. It clearly says that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

Why did so many German officers flee to Argentina after WW2?

Because they heard there was an entire town for Buenos Arians


(I hope this hasn't been posted before, if so I apologize)

How do you make a Canadian apologize?

Step on his toe.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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