Apologies Jokes

Following is our collection of apologise humor and condolences one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Apologies puns for adults, dirty apology accepted jokes or clean forgive gags for kids.

There is an abundance of share jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 46 funniest jokes on apologies. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sympathy witze you can hear about apologies.

The Best jokes about Apologies

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

An American visiting the U.K .......

has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn't help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland?
They sneer at him and the one says it's Wales!
So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?

A blonde was walking down the street carrying a bag..

When another blonde rounds a corner and runs into her.
"My apologies! But what is in the bag, may I ask?"
"Oh, just carrying home some chickens for dinner for me and my husband!"
"If I guess how many chickens are in there, may I have one?"
"Hah ! If you can guess how many chickens I have in my bag, you can have *both* of them!" chuckles the blonde


"Umm.. seven?"

OC, What do you call an anorexic lesbian?

A skeleton in the closet.

Sincere apologies to everyone I've just horribly offended!

Did you know that beer contains female hormones?

It's true. You drink too much you get fat, get emotional, talk too much, cry, and you can't drive a car.

All apologies to the fairer sex.


Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad?

Because he's a transparent.

Apologies if I could've worded it different.

I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.

Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another massage.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

Wait, Cyber Monday is about shopping?

Apologies to my friends on my chat list...

Three large girls walk into a bar...

They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?"

They say, "No! Wales, Wales!"

"Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"

A problem at the restaurant

Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

Police Station Intelligence Test

Apologies if this has been posted before \(I searched, albeit not a lot\). My physics teacher in college told me this one:

They gave a basic intelligence test at the local police station. The kind where you have to stick the geometric shapes in the corresponding holes.

It turns out we have two kinds of cops: Very stupid ones and very strong ones.


Why did the police drop the charges against the man accused of being an olive branch?

Because the charges wooden stick.



My humblest apologies.
* The case! Drop the case! Ah fuckit.

What do you call an orthodox jew that is prone to heartburn?

Acidic.

[My apologies]

What kind of poultry is good at dancing?

A twerkey!

Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.

A 10-year-old boy and his mother. (With apologies to Abe Hirschfeld)

A ten-year-old boy goes up to his mother one day and asks her "Mother, how old are you?" and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her age." The next day he goes up to her again and asks "Mother, how much do you weigh", and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her weight." Then the next day he asks her again, "Mother, why are you divorced?" and she says "Son, you're too young. When we're older, we'll discuss it.

The next day, the boy approaches his mother again, and this time tells her, "Mother, I've found your driver's license, and it gives me all the answers. It says that you're 35 years old, you weigh 190 pounds, and in sex, you got an F!"

What is a Canadian's favorite nirvana song?

All Apologies

Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."

"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"

(English, not my native language, apologies.)

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:



One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.

"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...

"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...

"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.

"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.


I called my repairman to complain about a faulty icemaker that had been leaking ...

When he came back out to the house, he discovered it was just some ice that had fallen and melted on the floor. I offered my apologies for the mistake. The repairman told me not to worry, as far as he was concerned, it was water under the fridge.

Prostate and apologies if its a repost

A man went though his Prostate exam with stoicism and thought good, thats done with, as the doctor walked out. Then the nurse walked in and muttered those three words no man wants to hear.



"Who was that?"

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[Again, sorry. I tried. :) I was going to work 'sticks' and 7 ate 9 into it but have a go yourself. ]

After 18 years of raising our teenage daughter as a proud Republican she has decided that she wants to become a Communist.

Well if that's the way she wants to be, then Soviet.

(Apologies if this has been posted before, I either thought of it or remembered it this morning on the toilet.)

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator?

The encyclopedia has a spine.

(Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)

What's grey and comes in litres?

An elephant.

Apologies if this is a repost - heard it yesterday and had to share.

How do you start a rave in Africa?

Glue toast to the ceiling.

(Apologies if repost, I found it funny and wanted to share it with you guys. Have a great day! :D )

Why should you never argue with a decimal?

It's because they always have a point.












apologies if repost

What do you call a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

A man who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.



My dad told me this joke, my apologies if it came from somewhere else.

Desperately Seeking Humor

The jokes here have gotten so bad and reposted that it makes me think back to my childhood for something we found funny, as kids. What better place to share our fave brand of cruelty humor than here. Apologies if this has ever been brought up here before. I'm desperate, please add your favorite cruelty jokes. Short list, I'll try to remember more.

What do you call a girl hanging on a fence? Barb

What do you call a quadraplegic in a swimming pool? Bob

What do you call a girl with one leg? Peg

What do you call a girl midget? Minnie

What do you call a quadriplegic at the ballpark? Home Plate

What do you call a girl who puts out on the first date? Lucy

Help me out here...

Man walks into a library

... says to the librarian in a loud voice, 'please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice'. The librarian says 'this is a library'. The man apologies and whispers 'sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice'.

Mr.Bates gets a butler

(My dad told me this joke)
Butler:Good Morning Mr. Bates.
Bates: Please address me as master from now on
Butler: My sincere apologies Master Bates...

What's the difference between cocaine and a baby? (Apologies in advance)

Eric Clapton won't let cocaine fall out of a window....

Near-immediate

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky!

I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

What did the vampire say to his girlfriend?

See you next month.

(Sincere apologies if it's a repost)

I was watching a movie where the acting was so bad

that it turned into a football (soccer to us yanks) game.

My apologies to Rodney Dangerfield.

I bought a new crucifix-stand for my church but accidentally got the wrong cloth pattern

Apologies, cross-post from a different thread.

What did the Frenchman with bad allergies say when he had to leave the dinner party?

My sincerest apologies but I bid you all ACHOO.

Hi, I'd like to reserve a table for 5 O'Clock?

Employee: Sir... this is... McDonald's

Me: Oh apologies, my bad... I'd like to McReserve a table for 5 O'Clock

Groaner I came up with, my apologies. Why did the dog go to the funeral?

Because he was a paw bearer.

In my family they didn't say "dont forget to wash behind your ears!"

They said "Dont forget to wash inside your flaps"


My apologies to the Jewish men who dont understand.

A sign language interpreter said to his customer...

My apologies, my finger got stuck between the door so I may have a bit of a lisp.

What did the remorseful, penitent bulimic say while purging?

"Oh, retching man that I am! Who will save me..."

(With insincere apologies to the Apostle Paul.)

I heard Playboy was a proper top shelf magazine, so I gave it a go.....

... I have to say, it isn't dishwasher safe *at all*.


(With apologies if this joke doesn't translate well - a top shelf magazine is one sold on the top shelf of the newsagent, out of sight of the kiddies.)

Hey Guys!

First time posting here.
I'm not a native speaker so apologies if I made a mistake.
Also on phone, so pardon the format.

Second time reposting here.

When The Left always demands apologies from The Right...

Still waiting for the The Left's first apology.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes