Ape Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What do you call a weak ape?

A chimpansy

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

What's the difference between a gorilla and your mother ?

A gorilla is ground-dwelling, predominantly herbivorous ape that inhabits the forests of central Africa, & your mother is a nice lady.



... Also I did not have sex with a gorilla.

Goriilla in heat

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500."

A woman comes home early from a business trip..

And finds that her husband is in bed with a goat.

The woman ofcourse goes ape shit.

"why the fuck is there a goat in our bed"

The husband replys, "Honey, this is the pig i've been fucking while you're away"

Wife - "That's not a pig you idiot, it's a goat"


Husband - "who said i was talking to you"

A man brings his gorilla to a bar

And the bartender says to him, "Hey man, you need to get that gorilla out of here. We don't serve animals."

The man replies, saying "No, this isn't your average gorilla. Watch."

The bartender goes "Ehh.. well.. okay. But make it quick."

So the man orders two beers, and gives one to the gorilla.

Then, out of nowhere, slaps the gorilla and the gorilla goes ape shit, pulls the man's pants down, and starts sucking his dick.

The bartender says "Holy shit dude, that's a pretty cool gorilla."

The man then says "Yeah, right? Wanna try?"

And the bartender says "Yeah just don't slap me as hard as you slapped that gorilla."

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla

who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

 

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? he asks.

 

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

 

Well, says the janitor, I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.

I once met an ape who could use both hands...

He was Harambedextrous.

A man, a zoo and a horny gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating. The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500? He asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this. The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

Well, says the janitor, I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.

Credit to /u/Bic_Parker for the joke.

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."

Just saw an ape and a monkey debating what the correct way to refer to them is.

I think they're just arguing simiantics.

The Muslim Who Dated An Ape

Did you hear about the Muslim who was caught screwing an ape? He was stoned to death along with his haram bae.

a muslim couple goes hunting and accidentally shot an ape. "ouch, that's a shame. can we eat him so he wouldn't die in vain?" said the girl. "no, we cant" the guy replied. "why?"

"it's Haram, Bae"

Two statisticians are out shooting at a target...

the first one fires and misses to the left about 15 feet. The other one fires and misses to the right about 15 feet. They both go ape shit, high fiving, just all giddy as one of them yell out, "Dude, we fuckin' nailed it!"

A man and wife are having a stroll in the zoo

A husband and wife having a stroll in the zoo. Gorilla starts to get a hard on as he sees the wife. Husband says,"Lift your skirt and tease him." Ape goes mental. " Now get your tits out !" Ape goes berserk ! Husband opens the cage and throws his wife in. "Now try telling him you've got a fucken headache!"

What is the difference between Donald Trump and an orangutan?

One is an orange beast that makes noise and flings crap at people. The other is an ape.

What do you call a big ape that likes to barbecue?

A grilla'

A man walks into a bar...

As he steps in the tender noticed a big gorilla on his shoulder. Clearly taken aback he asks, Whoa man! Where'd you get that thing? To which the ape says, oh I just brought him in from outside for a drink.

What do you call an ape that's both extremely frugal and fearful?

A cheap pansy

What do you call an ape that keeps coming back?

A boomerangutan.

What do you call a Harambe tribute sculpture designed by Roy Moore?

Statuetory Ape

Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

From ape to human: 10 million years

From human to ape: 10 beers

What do you call an Ape cooking a BBQ?

A Gorilla

A man and his baby ape

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."

"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that

a chimp was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Why couldn't the Great Ape tell a story?

Because he doesn't have a tail.

What type of ape smells like French dessert?

Meringueutan

What do you call an ape who likes Pavlova?

A meringue-utan

Why are beekeepers opposed to keeping gorillas in captivity?

They're ape purists

What do you call an ape that can cook?

Grilla

What do you call a big ape climbing up the Great Wall of China??

Ching Chong.

Arrested at the Zoo.

I got arrested at the zoo the other day for having sex with a baby gorilla. When I asked the officer what I was being charged with he responded "Statutory Ape".

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.

She takes a bite and cries with joy.

"This is amazing! What kind of sandwich is this?" She asks.

"It cheese ma."

What does IS call the evolutionary theory that humans are descended from the ape family?

Boko Harambe

Cry, the beloved country,

for the unborn ape that is the inheritor of our fear.

Lady teasing Gorilla at the Zoo...

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making extremely loud noises. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and the Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him, says the husband. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

Now tell HIM you have a headache.

What kind of sausage is made from ape meat?

A chimpolata.

what do you call a golfing ape

hairy putter

My dog crapped in the living room and when my parent got home they went ape shit.

It wasn't, it was definitely dog shit.

There once was a man from the Cape.

Who had balls like a hairy great ape.
Then he met a nice girl.
She gave him a whirl.
And now he's got two little grapes.

What are the funniest ape jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ape? Well, here are the best Ape puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ape pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes