Anytime Jokes
90 anytime jokes and hilarious anytime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anytime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Anytime Short Jokes
Short anytime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anytime humour may include short my pleasure jokes also.
- Dear God, If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America. - I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives I will start a religious movement anytime now
- So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid... but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.
- One thing I realized is that most women are looking for security in their lives. Anytime I approach one of them, I hear her yell out, Security!
- I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon The stock market is terrible
- Anytime a man holds the car door open for a woman, one thing is for sure, either the car is new, or the woman.
- I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.
- I told my mate he should cut down on drinking brake fluid He said: 'I can stop anytime I like'
- Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked. For free.
- I think my friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid He says he can stop anytime he wants
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Anytime One Liners
Which anytime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anytime? I can suggest the ones about instantly and daytime.
- I have an addiction to brake fluid. The good news is I can stop anytime I want.
- I'm addicted to brake fluid But it's not so bad, i can stop anytime!
- "Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem." "No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"
- I'm addicted to procrastination But I can start anytime I want
- I just poked myself in the eyes... I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.
- I'm addicted to brake fluid It's ok I can stop anytime I want
- My friend thinks I am addicted to hydraulic fluid But I know I can stop anytime.
- My wife doesnt like that i drink brake fluid, i tell her I can stop anytime
- My kid throws the linen off his bed anytime he has a nightmare. He's scared sheetless.
- What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime? Editable.
- I can quit gambling anytime I made a bet with my friends about it
- I got addicted to brake fluid... ... but I can stop anytime I want.
- My friend has become addicted to brake fluid ... He claims he can stop anytime.
- Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.
- I once knew someone addicted to drinking breaking fluid He insisted he could stop anytime
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Anytime Jokes
What funny jokes about anytime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean immediately jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anytime pranks.
I bet my friend $50 I could have s**... with any girl anytime I wanted. Easy $50!
I named my dog 'any girl'.
Oh man, I've got this mate thats addicted to drinking brake fluid.
He thinks he can stop at anytime.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?
He said he could stop at anytime.
I work at a dealership, this guy there is addicted to brake fluid
but he says he can stop at anytime!
Did you hear about all the students who are using brake fluid to get high?
The teachers aren't too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.
You know it's good when moan and your legs won't stop shaking.
Stretching, that is. You can do it anytime of the day and it still feels good.
Have you heard the joke about the guy addicted to brake fluid?
He says he can stop anytime.
Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.
You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.
Screw anyone
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
I just met a guy addicted to brake fluid.
However, he was adamant that he could stop anytime.
I know this guy that's hooked on brake fluid
He said he could stop anytime.
Girl, I'm like a pomegranate.
Cause you can e**... seeds anytime.
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
I was in bed with my wife when
I was in bed with my wife when she asked "I've been with you for 3 years. Can we discuss starting a family anytime soon?" I laughed and responded "Having a baby? At your age? That's impossible!" Obviously offended, she retorted "I'm not that old!" I chuckled. "Of course not sweetie, you haven't even hit puberty yet."
Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to brake fluid!
Nonsense, you can stop anytime you want
I called the cops on two guys who were gonna start fighting anytime
Turns out they were just having a conversation in Italian
I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid...
I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.
So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"
He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
an employee asked me if they could clock out
i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"
As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties
, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.
I've decided to join Anytime Fitness
Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.
I really don't like Saudi Arabia's human rights record.
I won't beheading there anytime soon.
How not to forget your girlfriend's birthday gift. Ever.
BF: Babe, look what I have got you! Spotify premium, now you can listen to our favourite love songs, anywhere, anytime, without ads!
GF: Yay! Is it for my birthday this year ?
BF: No, it's for your birthday every year!
When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco
You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave
I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.
Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, Security!
Im addicted to brake fluid
I thought I could stop anytime
My dad's religious
Anytime he sees my mom's cooking, he looks up at the sky and moans "Oh my god, not again!"
The cute Verizon wireless girl asked if I was married
I said I was on the upgrade anytime plan.
A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.
Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .
"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"
"Sure son"
"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"
"3 whales and two dolphins"
"Thanks dad"
"Anytime"
Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?
Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.
There are 3 phases of s**... in a marriage.
1. First 5 years - House s**... (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom s**... (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway s**... (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say 'Fuck you')
It may strike anytime now
I threw a boomerang several years ago.
Now I live in constant fear
I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.
I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.
A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :
Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...
because I'm Nicholas.
A mate of mine just told me that he has been drinking brake fluid!
I told him how dangerous that is and how it could kill him if he keeps it up, but he said he can stop anytime he likes.
The doctors said I could touch myself anytime I wanted to.
The dr, you could have a s**... any time.
The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want.
That's what "You can have a s**... at anytime" means, right?
I got some black and white tattoos done in shapes a few years ago, and anytime my wife gets upset she just lies on me and colours them in...
I guess sometimes, she just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Credit u/HugoZHackenbush2
a professional pickup line
A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
When my kids were toddler age anytime we went outside they would always tell me to put their shoes on for them.
Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."
I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to running red lights?
He knew he had a problem, but he told me he could *stop anytime*.
My wife and I have decided we don't want kids, after all.
If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.
my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted
So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.
My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.
I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."
America vs Russia
An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running his country.''
King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.
It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"
(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)
