Anytime Jokes
87 anytime jokes and hilarious anytime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anytime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Anytime Short Jokes
Short anytime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anytime humour may include short my pleasure jokes also.
- Dear God, If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.
Thanks,
America. - I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives I will start a religious movement anytime now
- So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid... but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.
- One thing I realized is that most women are looking for security in their lives. Anytime I approach one of them, I hear her yell out, Security!
- I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon The stock market is terrible
- I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.
- I told my mate he should cut down on drinking brake fluid He said: 'I can stop anytime I like'
- "Dad, can you help me with my homework?" "Sure son"
"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"
"3 whales and two dolphins"
"Thanks dad"
"Anytime" - Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to running red lights? He knew he had a problem, but he told me he could *stop anytime*.
- I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid... I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.
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Anytime One Liners
Which anytime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anytime? I can suggest the ones about instantly and daytime.
- "Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem." "No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"
- I'm addicted to procrastination But I can start anytime I want
- My friend thinks I am addicted to hydraulic fluid But I know I can stop anytime.
- What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime? Editable.
- I can quit gambling anytime I made a bet with my friends about it
- Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to brake fluid! Nonsense, you can stop anytime you want
- Is yur name Atilla cuz you can be my hun anytime!
- Anytime I have to make a tough decision, I ask WWJD? What would Judas do?
- What starts with A, ends with S, and will happen to you anytime now? APRIL FOOLS!
- Are you a geologist? You can analyse my rocks anytime ;)
- Why aren't there any female butchers? Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.
- Girl, I'm like a pomegranate. Cause you can e**... seeds anytime.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Anytime Jokes
What funny jokes about anytime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean immediately jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anytime pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bet my friend $50 I could have s**... with any girl anytime I wanted. Easy $50!
I named my dog 'any girl'.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard about all the decapitations happening in the Middle East right now?
I certainty won't beheading their anytime soon!
-wink-
Anytime tim tebow contemplates...
...it's a Christian Ponder.
joke courtesy Michael Starrbury
Did you hear about all the students who are using brake fluid to get high?
The teachers aren't too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know it's good when moan and your legs won't stop shaking.
Stretching, that is. You can do it anytime of the day and it still feels good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar...
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
Why will Church's chicken be losing money?
Because I don't see black people going to church's anytime soon
Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.
You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.
What do you call it when I can order breakfast anytime of day, but I'm not allowed to get a Big Mac at 8 am?
A McDouble Standard.
So, my feminist cousin is diabetic and recently, her legs were amputated...
...safe to say, she won't be jumping to conclusions anytime soon.
I don't understand why Taylor Swift has removed all of her music from streaming services
You can stream Taylor Swift anytime you want just by turning on the radio
What do you name a dog with no legs?
It doesn't really matter, he isn't going to Heel anytime soon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, n**... or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-a**... love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
I was in bed with my wife when
I was in bed with my wife when she asked "I've been with you for 3 years. Can we discuss starting a family anytime soon?" I laughed and responded "Having a baby? At your age? That's impossible!" Obviously offended, she retorted "I'm not that old!" I chuckled. "Of course not sweetie, you haven't even hit puberty yet."
When you are engaged don't say you are taken...
You are just booked. Bookings can be cancelled anytime
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Male Typographers are usually nervous around the fairer s**.... Anytime she asks for the D...
...they wonder, upper or lowercase.
I called the cops on two guys who were gonna start fighting anytime
Turns out they were just having a conversation in Italian
I was thinking of doing yoga
So I rang the local leisure centre and they asked me "are you flexible?"
I said "yes I can do anytime except for Tuesday's"
So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"
He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
an employee asked me if they could clock out
i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"
As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties
, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All I want for Christmas...
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her, all I want is s**... anytime. She told me she was sorry but we couldn't afford a s**... robot.
I've decided to join Anytime Fitness
Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.
Zombies from wwz would make very good doctors. Patient would be like: am I dying anytime soon? Nurse: wait I'll bring doctor zombicus. Zombie:*walks right past through the patient*
I really don't like Saudi Arabia's human rights record.
I won't beheading there anytime soon.
Someone told me that a Loch Ness sighting can happen at anytime.
I like the random Ness of it.
How not to forget your girlfriend's birthday gift. Ever.
BF: Babe, look what I have got you! Spotify premium, now you can listen to our favourite love songs, anywhere, anytime, without ads!
GF: Yay! Is it for my birthday this year ?
BF: No, it's for your birthday every year!
Anytime I bring something new in the house my dog always has to sniff and inspect what it is..
And I realized that dogs can be pretty nosy.
When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco
You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave
Would you guys mind if I made anime jokes?
Good, cause I'm not stopping my danganron-puns anytime soon!
My dad's religious
Anytime he sees my mom's cooking, he looks up at the sky and moans "Oh my god, not again!"
So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.
As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.
However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won't let him by.
Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:
Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?
The cute Verizon wireless girl asked if I was married
I said I was on the upgrade anytime plan.
I hope Elon Musk isn't involved in a major scandal anytime soon
... because #ElonGate will go on forever.
Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she's playing the same character.
She is a victim of Rachel profiling.
I don't get it.
I'm a teacher.
Anytime I say 69 my students laugh.
It's too bad I never get it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like my Roomba
Ready to s**... anywhere anytime, without any strings attached.
French tanks have 5 gears. 4 for reverse and 1 for forward. But the most important is the forward one.
Enemy can attack behind anytime.
TV station Interview with a local farmer
TV St: Good afternoon sir, how are you doing
FAM: cool things man
TV st.: sir, what do you feed your goats with?
FAM: the black or the white one?
TV st.: white one
FAM: ordinary grass
TV st.: And the black?
FAM: ordinary grass
TV st.: where do they sleep?
FAM: which one, black or white?
TV st.: white
FAM: in the barn
TV st.: and the black?
FAM: in the same barn
TV st.: (angrily.. ) If you know you do same to both of them why do you ask black or white anytime?
FAM: because the white one is mine
TV st.: and the black?
FAM: it is also mine😏
A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.
Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .
Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?
Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.
So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...
Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.
Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never the same afterwards.
Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 3 phases of s**... in a marriage.
1. First 5 years - House s**... (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom s**... (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway s**... (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say 'Fuck you')
I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.
I yes.
When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.
A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :
Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...
because I'm Nicholas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a professional pickup line
A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sean Connery had his dog trained
He got the dog to do all kinds of tricks. Roll over, do a flip, fetch certain items, but anytime he tried to get the dog to sit, it would d**... on the floor.
When my kids were toddler age anytime we went outside they would always tell me to put their shoes on for them.
Every single time my response was, "I can't put your shoes on. They don't fit me."
I would laugh, they would glare. It was good times. Hopefully some of you with toddlers get as much mileage out of this one as I did.
my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted
So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.
My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.
I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."
America vs Russia
An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running his country.''
King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.
It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"
(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)
