Anytime Jokes

Following is our collection of intimacy humor and discretion one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Anytime puns for adults, dirty whomever jokes or clean ever gags for kids.

There is an abundance of easily jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes on anytime. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any anticipate witze you can hear about anytime.

The Best jokes about Anytime

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week.

Thanks,

America.

So I have this friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid...

but he tells me not to worry, he can stop anytime he wants.

I'm addicted to brake fluid

But it's not so bad, i can stop anytime!

Anytime a man holds the car door open for a woman, one thing is for sure,

either the car is new, or the woman.

I have a friend that's a recovering kleptomaniac

anytime his symptoms start acting up, he takes something.


The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.


Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?


Number 7: 49

A man walks into a bar..

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

I think my friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid

He says he can stop anytime he wants

Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.

"Jimmy, I think you have a brake fluid problem."

"No I don't! I can stop anytime I want!"


So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won't let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous. The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:

Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?

He said he could stop at anytime.

I'm addicted to procrastination

But I can start anytime I want

I just poked myself in the eyes...

I can't see myself doing that again anytime soon.

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, Security!

A guy walks into a bar...

...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

Oh man, I've got this mate thats addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He thinks he can stop at anytime.


I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid...

I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.

an employee asked me if they could clock out

i replied "you can clock out anytime you like, but you can never leave!"

Screw anyone

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."

He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

I bet my friend $50 I could have sex with any girl anytime I wanted. Easy $50!

I named my dog 'any girl'.

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

I got addicted to brake fluid...

... but I can stop anytime I want.

My friend has become addicted to brake fluid ...

He claims he can stop anytime.

I really don't like Saudi Arabia's human rights record.

I won't beheading there anytime soon.

I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.

I yes.

When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.

Why aren't there any female butchers?

Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

I just met a guy addicted to brake fluid.

However, he was adamant that he could stop anytime.

There are 3 phases of sex in a marriage.

1. First 5 years - House sex (Anytime / Anywhere)
2. 5 to 15 years - Bedroom sex (only in the bedroom)
3. 15 years plus - Hallway sex (You walk past your partner in the hallway and say 'Fuck you')

Did you hear about all the students who are using brake fluid to get high?

The teachers aren't too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.

Have you heard the joke about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

He says he can stop anytime.

I once knew someone addicted to drinking breaking fluid

He insisted he could stop anytime

I know this guy that's hooked on brake fluid

He said he could stop anytime.

As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties

, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.

I work at a dealership, this guy there is addicted to brake fluid

but he says he can stop at anytime!

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"

He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"

The cute Verizon wireless girl asked if I was married

I said I was on the upgrade anytime plan.

Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to brake fluid!

Nonsense, you can stop anytime you want

I called the cops on two guys who were gonna start fighting anytime

Turns out they were just having a conversation in Italian

Making an analogy that references itself is like good word play.

You don't do it anytime you want. You have to have a good reason to go metaphor.

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, never the same afterwards.

Well, you know what they say. People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, Nah, Imma stay .

How not to forget your girlfriend's birthday gift. Ever.

BF: Babe, look what I have got you! Spotify premium, now you can listen to our favourite love songs, anywhere, anytime, without ads!

GF: Yay! Is it for my birthday this year ?

BF: No, it's for your birthday every year!

It may strike anytime now

I threw a boomerang several years ago.
Now I live in constant fear

I was in bed with my wife when

I was in bed with my wife when she asked "I've been with you for 3 years. Can we discuss starting a family anytime soon?" I laughed and responded "Having a baby? At your age? That's impossible!" Obviously offended, she retorted "I'm not that old!" I chuckled. "Of course not sweetie, you haven't even hit puberty yet."

When you throw away your receipt before leaving Costco

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

Im addicted to brake fluid

I thought I could stop anytime

My dad's religious

Anytime he sees my mom's cooking, he looks up at the sky and moans "Oh my god, not again!"

You know it's good when moan and your legs won't stop shaking.

Stretching, that is. You can do it anytime of the day and it still feels good.

A man is on his way home from work...

He gets stuck in traffic. So he calls his wife and says "Honey, im stuck in traffic right now, and it doesn't look like it wil be clearing up anytime soon. Im probably gonna be late." So the wife says, "Ok, baby, but be careful. I heard on the news that there is a crazy driver driving on the wrong side of the freeway." The man replies: "One driver? There are hundreds of them!"

I don't understand why Taylor Swift has removed all of her music from streaming services

You can stream Taylor Swift anytime you want just by turning on the radio

Anytime I bring something new in the house my dog always has to sniff and inspect what it is..

And I realized that dogs can be pretty nosy.

I'm afraid that my best friend is developing an addiction to brake fluid.

I've called him out on it, but he says he can stop anytime.

I was thinking of doing yoga

So I rang the local leisure centre and they asked me "are you flexible?"
I said "yes I can do anytime except for Tuesday's"

So, my feminist cousin is diabetic and recently, her legs were amputated...

...safe to say, she won't be jumping to conclusions anytime soon.

Girl, I'm like a pomegranate.

Cause you can eat my seeds anytime.

TV station Interview with a local farmer

TV St: Good afternoon sir, how are you doing

FAM: cool things man

TV st.: sir, what do you feed your goats with?

FAM: the black or the white one?

TV st.: white one

FAM: ordinary grass

TV st.: And the black?

FAM: ordinary grass

TV st.: where do they sleep?

FAM: which one, black or white?

TV st.: white

FAM: in the barn

TV st.: and the black?

FAM: in the same barn

TV st.: (angrily.. ) If you know you do same to both of them why do you ask black or white anytime?

FAM: because the white one is mine

TV st.: and the black?

FAM: it is also mine😏

Would you guys mind if I made anime jokes?

Good, cause I'm not stopping my danganron-puns anytime soon!

Have you heard about all the decapitations happening in the Middle East right now?

I certainty won't beheading their anytime soon!

-wink-

What do you name a dog with no legs?

It doesn't really matter, he isn't going to Heel anytime soon.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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