Anymore Jokes

149 anymore jokes and hilarious anymore puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anymore that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Anymore Short Jokes

Short anymore jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anymore humour may include short beholder no more jokes also.

  1. It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.... Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
    I don't even know where that is!!
  2. Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
  3. One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
  4. I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore" She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
  5. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
  6. If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
  7. My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have mcdonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
  8. My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
  9. As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
  10. My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

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Anymore One Liners

Which anymore one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anymore? I can suggest the ones about anon and fewer.

  1. What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
  2. nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore Feeling desserted
  3. Jobs that don't exist anymore 1. Steve
  4. Nobody upvotes a cake joke on cake days anymore Feeling desserted
  5. My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats. Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.
  6. Does no one say YOLO anymore? Or are they all dead?
  7. Used Vacuum cleaner for sale. I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.
  8. I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore... these are some dark times.
  9. Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore
  10. What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore? A reptile dysfunction
  11. Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed
  12. Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
  13. Today I decided I won't smoke anymore I won't smoke any less either though.
  14. Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore A dead epileptic
  15. I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore I keep seeing the same jokes on here

Anymore joke, I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

Great Anymore Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about anymore you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nowadays jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anymore pranks.

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....

I would not have to sell c**... anymore.

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...

...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"

A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...

I told him to grow a pear.

So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...

...I'm not really sure how I feel about it

if your little ladies not so little anymore...

you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...

I'm moving the fridge to my room.

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

2 Transformers got married

Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore.
They had become Transparents.

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.
The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...

Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

Everything's racist these days.

You can't even say "black paint" anymore.
You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is s**..., uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

Frustrated p**....

There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

No end in sight...

I can't see an end. 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.

Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".

Wife: What did he say?
Bob: You're fired

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

I don't know how I feel about m**... anymore...

On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward.

The world is becoming too politically correct

You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".

If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...

They wouldn't turn me down anymore.

A teenage boy goes up to his father

"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"

A p**... goes to the doctor

p**...: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"
Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"
She undresses and shows him.
Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"
p**...: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"
Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was s**..., took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...

Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.

Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.

I don't think it's correct to call them grammar n**... anymore...

They seem to prefer the label "alt-write" nowadays.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife won't let him use socks anymore.

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?

So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore... I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...'ll just get called a racist for supporting him.

I think my wife has a blind f**......

Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.

Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

I don't watch the news anymore

I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.

Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."

I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore

Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".

I just couldn't see him anymore.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old v**... anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn't raise them anymore.

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.
Friend: What did he say?
Me: " You're fired "

If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,

Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome

It means that they make a ton of noise and don't s**... anymore.

I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.

Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."

Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

They don't let me volunteer for the s**... prevention hotline anymore.

Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...

It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.

My dad

I nicknamed my dad net neutrality because he's gone and we don't talk about him anymore.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

t**... holding dad at gunpoint-

t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza...

There's not mushroom

A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?

He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

Anymore joke, After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed:  Aww i

jokes about anymore