Great Anymore Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....
I would not have to sell c**... anymore.
So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...
...I'm not really sure how I feel about it
I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...
I'm moving the fridge to my room.
Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore?
Because days of fuchsia passed
I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.
An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.
The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.
Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
Everything's racist these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore.
You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Time Machine
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
You can explore anymore ads reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean anymore critism dad jokes. There are also anymore puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore
A dead epileptic
Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is s**..., uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...
I had to put my foot down
Compliment somebody on their moustache
and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
No end in sight...
I can't see an end.
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.
Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".
Wife: What did he say?
Bob: You're fired
If you ever feel lonely...
just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...
Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...
They wouldn't turn me down anymore.
A p**... goes to the doctor
p**...: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"
Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"
She undresses and shows him.
Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"
p**...: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"
Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was s**..., took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.
Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.
Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first?
So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...
...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Why do white people own so many pets?
Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...
...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.
I think my wife has a blind f**......
Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.
Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...
She was busted for conch-traband.
Iran bans Americans from traveling there.
Won't beheading there anymore
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Jobs that don't exist anymore
1. Steve
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old v**... anymore.
I'm a 26 year old one.
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,
Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore
Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore
I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often
Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
Wife tells her husband
Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."
Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."
Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."
Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore
I keep seeing the same jokes on here
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.
Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.
Today I decided I won't smoke anymore
I won't smoke any less either though.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
I am going to become a bomb defuser.
It is one job where....
Either i'm right.
Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore....
Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!!
I can't take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.
I guess that's the last time I buy a pure bread dog.
A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer
He wont be needing it anymore
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore.
There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?
A reptile dysfunction
I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.
I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Nothing is built in the USA anymore...
Just bought a new TV...says "Built in Antennae"
h**..., I dont even know where that is....
Jobs that don't exist anymore..
1. Steve..
Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.
I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.
Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!
I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.
She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.
I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.
Time for a new keyboard.
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says Built-in Antenna. I don't even know where that is.
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him That's it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin. They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him Well, did you do it? The worker says, No, the line there was much longer than the line here.
I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore...
these are some dark times.
Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?
Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers
A guy wants a divorce
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.
Judge asks, what's she doing?
The guy answers, Looking for me.
I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.
I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i
My girlfriend and I were going through a really dark time.
We finally decided we couldn't see each other anymore.
Why did the Ottoman Empire change into Turkey
Because Austria wasn't Hungary anymore.
My wife's like an iPhone
I can't put jack in her anymore
If you ever feel lonely
Just watch a horror movie in the dark, you won't feel lonely anymore
nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore
Feeling desserted
Why do pornstars retire?
They can't take it anymore
I'm never hungry anymore after all my friends left
Probably because they desserted me
