anymore Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious anymore puns

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

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Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

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Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

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I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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Jobs that don't exist anymore

1. Steve

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Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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If you ever feel lonely...

just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

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My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."

Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"?

Dad: "About a pound and a half."

Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!"

Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

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My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

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I walked into my roommate's bedroom and saw him hanging from a rope

On the floor he had left a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

Laying in my arms, his eyes slowly opening, I said:

"You spelled criticism wrong."

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Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!

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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

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Today i was woken up with a blowjob..

i will never fall asleep with my mouth open anymore.

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Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

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Shaving with a straight razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

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As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old virgin anymore.

I'm a 26 year old one.

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Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore...

...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.

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Did you hear about Greek porn?

They can't do money shots anymore

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Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

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My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can't go on tumblr anymore.

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Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

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Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

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The wife left a note on the fridge tonight,

It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to mum's. it said.

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the fuck is she talking about?

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge:

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?

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Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

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I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...

...I'm not really sure how I feel about it

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What are the most funny Anymore jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Anymore? Well, here are the best Anymore dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Anymore pick up lines to share with friends.

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