Anymore Jokes
151 anymore jokes and hilarious anymore puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about anymore that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Anymore Short Jokes
Short anymore jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The anymore humour may include short beholder no more jokes also.
- It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.... Just bought a T.V. and it said, "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!! - Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore. There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
- I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore" She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
- I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
- If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.
- My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have mcdonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
- My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.
- My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants... Guess I won't be needing those anymore.
- I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.
- Well, you won't get called a racist for criticizing the President anymore... ...you'll just get called a racist for supporting him.
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Anymore One Liners
Which anymore one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with anymore? I can suggest the ones about anon and fewer.
- What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
- Jobs that don't exist anymore 1. Steve
- Does no one say YOLO anymore? Or are they all dead?
- Used Vacuum cleaner for sale. I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.
- I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore... these are some dark times.
- Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore
- Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed
- Today I decided I won't smoke anymore I won't smoke any less either though.
- I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore I keep seeing the same jokes on here
- I put my grades up for adoption Because I couldn't raise them anymore.
- I told my tailor I wouldn't be needing his services anymore He said "Fine, suit yourself"
- I can't put anymore toppings on my pizza... There's not mushroom
- Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan I can't be anymore pacific
- I don't hear people talk about beyblade anymore.. Guess they've just let it r.i.p.
- I'm not going to eat thanksgiving leftovers anymore. This year, I'm quitting cold turkey.
Great Anymore Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about anymore you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nowadays jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make anymore pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....
I would not have to sell c**... anymore.
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore...
I told him to grow a pear.
So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...
...I'm not really sure how I feel about it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
if your little ladies not so little anymore...
you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away
I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...
I'm moving the fridge to my room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite blonde joke.
A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
Hear are sum morre punny science jokes
How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.
Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.
The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.
Chemistry puns Im in my element.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium
Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!
Edit 1 just thought of this.
What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hair Fragrance
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
2 Transformers got married
Soon thereafter, they had a baby Transformer. But at that moment when they had a baby, they suddenly could not be seen anymore.
They had become Transparents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everyone's so politically correct these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker walks into a bar
and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have s**..., I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.
Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everything's racist these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore.
You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".
A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...
next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
Time Machine
I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
Relativity theory
In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore
A dead epileptic
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
I can't listen to orchestral music anymore
Too much sax and violins.
My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?
Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.
Me: Divorce is strong with this one.
Compliment somebody on their moustache
and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frustrated p**....
There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me".
Wife: What did he say?
Bob: You're fired
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.
The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?" The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."
The world is becoming too politically correct
You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
If I had a dollar for every girl that turned me down...
They wouldn't turn me down anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenage boy goes up to his father
"Father I am not a v**... anymore"
Father: "Wow that's great! Lets sit down and drink something celebrate about this moment"
Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I can't sit"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A p**... goes to the doctor
p**...: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter"
Doctor: "no problem, but I have to see it first"
She undresses and shows him.
Doctor: "What's this?" "What's this?" "What's this?"
p**...: "Why'd you say it 3 times?"
Doctor: "I said it once but the rest echoed"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.
Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and my wife decided to form a s**... pact...
Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
I'm not gonna make fun of my grandfather's driving skills anymore.
Apparently parking zones disease is a real thing.
The US should rejoin Great Britain
Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think my wife has a blind f**......
Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.
Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...
She was busted for conch-traband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't watch the news anymore
I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the f**...."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".
I just couldn't see him anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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As of today, I'm finally not a 25 year old v**... anymore.
I'm a 26 year old one.
The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...
Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano
I just realized I haven't taken a Facebook quiz in years.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,
Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore
Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore
I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't s**... anymore.
I quit my job working for Nike.
Just couldn't do it anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
I hate all the political correctness these days, I can't even say "black paint" anymore.
Now I have to say "Tyrone please paint the fence."
Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
Husband : Yes…so ?
Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?
Slow typing...
After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.
Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..
After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved!
Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.
Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...
Wife: why?
Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.
Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.
Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...
...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My motto is "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
They don't let me volunteer for the s**... prevention hotline anymore.
Stop with the Logan Paul jokes...
It's like beating a dead horse and i don't want to give him anymore video ideas.
My dad
I nicknamed my dad net neutrality because he's gone and we don't talk about him anymore.
Cr
Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
April showers bring Mayflowers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**... holding dad at gunpoint-
t**...: "Say your last words!"
Dad: "Your last words!"
t**...: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"
Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"
t**...: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"
Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway."
t**...: "What's a 'henway'"?
Dad: "About a pound and a half."
t**...: "Stop! I'm serious!"
Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"
After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.
I deleted the app.
